Closet Dining for West End Grotesques

In today’s ‘Social Hysteria’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in non-linear scandal-mongering hot gossip from our paranoid pre-op' TS crypto-kike news hack, Bonkers Becky, 'manning' (sic – no pun intended) the London West End gourmet gastromonical delights desk for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with hot off the anvil dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following the recent broadcast of Channel 69's four-part 'Dirty Tricks of the Restaurant Trade' series, a class action suit has been filed against a hit list of five star Cordon Bleu West End restaurants by Ms Sue Fleecem QC, the formidable alpha-prime (and feared) litigator for London solicitors, Upshot, Shitpot & Bagrot, on behalf of a group of what the gutter press Daily Shitraker tabloid openly referred to in its reporting of the discrimination scandal as 'ugly bastards'.

Revelations by Channel 69's undercover series exposed details of the outrageous apartheid seating policies covertly adopted by elitist London restaurants, whereby the jet set beautiful people – coke-snorting entertainment industry celebs, second rate money-grubbing royals, shifty shylock banksters and very important paedo politicos – cop the best tables and seats in the house, while patrons in dire need of that extra Botox top-up, an embarrassing outbreak of galloping acne or a scant resemblance to Quasimodo – regardless of their fiscal capacity to order and pay for the best of the house – get shoved in some corner, well away from the windows and stares of potential clients and common herd passers-by.

As part of the investigation the programme producers dispatched a crew of four high priced Mayfair glamour whores on a week-long wining and dining mission to several of the West End's most expensive restaurants, where they were immediately led to the so-called 'golden tables' near the street-side windows - as an advert to attract ogling customers.

In stark contrast the production team further recruited several members of Lennie the Leper's Freak Show from their Battersea Park HQ and commissioned them with a parallel purpose – to eat and drink their hearts out at the same haut cuisine dumps – where the 'ugly truth' came out at three restaurants - when the group were unceremoniously seated, hidden away, at the back of the luxurious eateries – and four other snooty establishments where they were simply turned away by obnoxious head waiters.

Interviewed on the programme Lennie the Leper himself related the bad vibes experiences he and his group had suffered doing the rounds of the snobbish eateries. "Fuck me drunk – an' I wasn't, honest – but we all got shoved right at the back of one place in an effin' corner an' the lights turned right down so no twat could see us, an' guess who comes waltzin' through the door but fat old Sarah Fergie's daughters – that horse-faced Princess Beatrice an' her trout of a sister Eugenie – an' both lookin' like a pair of piranhas wiv their fucked-up dentistry."

"Then right after in rolls that zillionaire Russian oligarch tosser, Oleg Mobsaroubles, wot owns Gulag Gaz an' Wankprom Oil an' Smegmadale Football Club, wiv his mate Michail Sackashit from Russtheft Energy – an' they've got a harem of super-tottie in tow – includin' that Ukrainian celebrity stripper, Takem Orloff. An' all this crowd of twats cop right good tables while we're shoved at the effin' back – outa sight and mind."

Celebrity chef Ron McScrote, who co-hosted the documentary, informed one press hack from the Dog Wankers Gazette that: "Every restaurant has golden and platinum tables where their best-looking customers are seated – as they project a certain ambience and quality onto the place. Good-looking customers attract more people, hence they make a mob more money; so you sit them where they can be seen."
"Whereas there's always some shadowy alcove at the back of the premises where they shove the 'ugly bastards' – so the next time you and the three bagger girl friend or frog-faced broomstick merchant of a missus cop a table at the back corner of the restaurant, now you know why."

Glaswegian master chef Foo-Foo McFudger, renown for his prize-winning Pink Ribbon restaurant chain, and uber bad cholesterol 'Deep Fried Mars Bar' treats, caters chiefly to the gastronomical excesses of London's gay and TS community, and in response to being named and shamed by Channel 69's damning expose documentary, stated for the public record "So take me to court, I don't give a flying toss – but I'm not having a bunch of ugly fuckers sat in my front window seats, frightening off customers with their warts and cancerous tumours."

The class action lawsuit, with the complainants' register expanding at a geometric rate of knots, has so far listed several prestigious eateries, including Chelsea's fashionable five star Pigs Trough bistro and both Marco Pierre Shite's Kings Road and Square Mile-based 'Out of Sight' steak n ale chophouses – whereas the less surreptitious, perhaps blatant, mode of segregation at Gordon Ramsey's illustrious 'Foul Mouth' gourmet culinary branches, where the rich and shameless flock in droves to be sworn at and insulted by the celebrity chef in person – have adopted a more formal approach - with their 'Ugly Cunts Fuck Right Off' sign on the front door.

Have you been discriminated against in your local chippy due an eruption of few herpes blisters round your mouth? Do you get shoved in a back corner at McDonalds Chew n Spew outlets due being a bit of a hunch-backed ugly twat?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a window seat table placing at Biffo's Barf Burger joint in Croydon and have lunch with society paedo-sodomite-in-denial, Harvey Proctologist - or the ginger mingin 'Loathsome Lucy' Allan – celebrity-status lying bitch, staff bullying Tory MP (and Minister for False Death Threats) – she of the perpetual smarmy shit-eating grin – who has a window seat reserved at Sid's Greasy Spoon Cafe in her Telford constituency.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the uber-racist Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence - (unless one has the audacity to dare expose and name the membership ranks of Scotland's Masonic Speculative Society 'Nonce Ponce' Magic Circle / Violate BD/SM Club kiddie fiddling cabal – along with their Holyrood Parliament / Crown Office sodomite / paedo-enablers and cover-up protectors).