Catholic School Bans Winter Woolies

In this morning’s ‘Utter Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering 'deep freeze' gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches 'cold forged' and wrought into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Bonkers school bosses at the Cardinal Spewman School for Latter Day Catamites have banned their pupils from wearing thermal underwear and down-filled gilets or woolly beanies, scarves and gloves – (despite the global warming myth getting a further kick in the proverbial goolies as the brass monkey temperature readings across Broken Britain plummeted to well below freezing) - due the preposterous Orwellian fiction such bulky garments pose a Dunblane style shoot-to-kill 'security threat'.

Education chiefs issued the absurd diktat ordering youngsters not to wear baggy trenchcoats within the school grounds as paranoid psychotic members of staff claim such might pose a 'security issue' if some pupil got fed up of being buggered by the Viagra-fuelled Games Master in the showers and decided to secrete a couple of locked n loaded handguns – or even worse – a miniaturised video camera and microphone in their pockets - to spy on and record the actions of dirty deviant staff engaging in their routine child sexual abuse practices.

The school's Compliance Officer, Mr Jack Thugg, threatened to dish out detention to any children who break the severe regulation, even though temperatures have plummeted to minus 5 Centigrade in the school hall and classrooms - with the canteen reduced to serving choc ices and Tuti-Fruiti lollies on the lunchtime menu.

Conversely, a hard core group of students at the school in Hove, East Sussex, finally rebelled and publicly expressed outrage at the bizarre decision, with one English Lit major who spoke to press hacks on conditions of anonymity (Ronny Scrote) branding it 'effin' bullshit'.

Cardinal Spewman's was visited by Ofsted inspectors earlier this month, who were shocked to find several Year 6 students frozen to their desks and had resorted to sucking Victory V lozenges to keep warm.
However, Jesuit head teacher Dr Angus 'Pitbull' McFudger – (formerly Boy Scout troop leader at the Glencoe-based St Sodom's Roman Catholic Academy for Wayward Scallies) - insisted the pupil's teeth-chattering bouts of shivering were merely juvenile theatrical displays to gain attention and that the geriatrics composing the Most Reverend Masonic Board of Governors were simply upholding their long established, and Vatican-approved, Spartan iron discipline policy to nurture strength of character in the pupils.

Speaking to one gutter press reporter from the Sado-Masochists Gazette, Dr McFudger related that "Here at the Cardinal Spewman Catholic School for Latter Day Catamites we have a strict uniform policy which is in line with our high standards and expectations of pupils to follow the faith and become priests and nuns. These kids today have it so easy. When I was a pupil at Gordonstoun with Prince Stavros of Edinburgh we'd cop for Matron's iced water enemas every morning, then get buggered up the jacksy by the prefects – while the nonce ponce school gardener had you in a side headlock and made you gobble him off."

"Hence, in the austere spirit of St Peregrine the Flagellant, we do not allow any non-essential uniform items - including cuddly winter woolies, to be worn on school premises – and as I announced during assembly this morning, following prayers, the sanction for non-compliance of school uniform regulations will be twenty strokes of the lash."
"Furthermore, any pupil faking hypothermia with applications of blue woad to the lips and digital extremities will be placed in solitary confinement in the school dungeon's igloo until end of term."

http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/635877/School-bans-pupils-from-wearing-COATS-as-Britain-freezes

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