Rowe Bio: Can of Worms for Tory Scum

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The home of notorious African vice madam Shirley ‘Brillo Pad’ Rowe has been raided by the Met’s Plod Squad just days after scandalous claims of her Dominatrix relationship with the dirty deviant Tory Chancellor George ‘Mollie’ Osborne were revealed in the pages of the Sunday Shitraker.

A Biblical multitude of Drugs Squad officers, armed with battering rams and a JCB digger, burst through the wall of Mistress Whiplash’s London flat in a dawn swoop, later claiming they’d acted on a tip-off from a concerned neighbour, Mrs Ethel Nosy-Twatt about ‘the sordid goings-on at the bawdy house run by that golly slut wot lives across the road’.

Conversely while no drugs were found in the twelve-hour search of the property - during which the plaster was ripped off the walls and floorboards crow-barred up - Ms Rowe claims she was threatened with being handcuffed and three-hole bonked by a Viagra-fuelled police dog if she didn’t make some drastic editorial alterations to her forthcoming autobiography - which betrays and divulges confidences and improprieties, carnal in nature, concerning ‘Jeff’ Osborne’s conduct that far excel his recent Tory Chancellor cop-outs of delinquent freeloader ticket-dodging on the Rattle-Track Express from Tatton to London.

Apparently ‘Mollie’ developed a taste for kinky sex during his fagging days at Eton, where he was gang buggered on a nightly basis by the school monitor’s Sodomite Club – and got into felching during his first year at Oxford after a stoned ferret was rammed up his jacksy during the initiation ceremony to join the Bullingdon Vandalism Club.

Fearing she had been coerced and intimidated on direct orders from Downing Street and MI5’s new head honcho Andrew Porker, Ms ‘Call me Natalie’ Rowe has since made an official complaint to the Independent Police Coverups Commission, fearing she was targeted in a smear bid prior to her salacious autobiography hitting the onanist section shelves at Waterstones later this month.

This pre-emptive tactic has been hailed by political and legal watch insiders alike as a wise move on Ms Rowe’s part - pulling a Genny Flowers (of Dodger Bill Clinton notoriety) defence and gobbing off to the gutter press viz the embarrassing lewd claims in her book regarding the perverted sexual peccadilloes of members of governments past and present - before she cops for a midnight visit from MI5’s Increment crew assassins and ends up another ‘assisted suicide’ case - stuffed in a big black North Face holdall and dumped on the side of some grassy knoll in the David Kelly Memorial Woods with a gut full of Co-proxamol tablets and her left wrist slashed – or a Kwik-Fit special Boston Brakes job on her car and end up like the People’s Princess – wrapped around the pillar of some freeway underpass.

Rowe, who started her whoring career working as a ‘happy ending’ therapist in Soho’s notorious Rub n Tug Massage Salon went on to become Mistress of the Revels at her very own Chelsea-based Miss Natty’s Spank-a-Rama in Max Mosley Gardens, where she’d delight in giving Tory bigwig cabinet ministers one up the arse with a seven inch strapon dildo – filming the scenarios on Super 8 for later ‘get out of jail free’ blackmail opportunities.

Along with her stable of buxom dominatrices, Rowe catered to the perverted BD/SM sexual fetishes of all manner of Shitehall civil service, House of Conmans and Lords fudging deviants – bumboys, cross dressing fags, raving transvestites, and a slew of kiddie fiddling Satanists prepared to pay top dollar to split some specially-kidnapped three-year old blonde, blue-eyed virgin up the middle and feast on her blood.

Further, her Felchers Delight evenings – an occasion rumoured to be a favourite with ex-New Labour super-poofter – old Vermin in Ermine himself - Lord Peter Scandalson – were a great hit with Mr Patel, owner of the ‘Furry Critters’ pet shop around the corner from her Chelsea studio / dungeons.

Ms. Rowe was raided just 48 hours following an interview with the red top Scandalmongers Gazette tabloid in which she confided that her ‘can of worms’ memoirs are due to be published by the Skanger Press later this month.

Following the plod squad raid, expedited on the strength of a warrant to search her home under Section 23 of the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 she informed gutter press hacks that “I don’t do effin’ drugs, I don’t deal drugs, so wot the fuck woz the Drug Squad storming through me flat home like I woz running a branch of the Medellin Cartel?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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