'Pussy Possession’ Outbreak Stymies NHS

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

National Health Service hospital A & E sections and local GP surgeries across Broken Britain continue to be inundated with cases of ‘Pussy Possession’ affecting the more neurotic celebrity-fixated female sector of society since the hyper-eccentric American ‘Tik-Tok’ pop star Ki$ha (real name Glenda Slagg) revealed on Sky TV’s ‘Bimbo Hour’ chat show that her vagina had become haunted after she engaged in a kinky Jimmy Savile type Satanic worship necrophilia sex orgy with a corpse at a downtown Hollywood mortuary last Halloween.

“Hey, how der fuck woz I supposed ter know I’d cop fer a case of ‘Ghost Cunt’ as the guy woz real dead an’ cold an’ we had ter starch his cock ter get it stiff. Fer fuck’s sake it was bad enough with me snatch smellin’ like a tin of sardines – then it started stinkin’ like the Mummy’s tomb, so we got this Catholic priest ter give me a pussy exorcism – wot consisted of me getting’ a holy water douche an’ him givin’ me one doggy style over the communion table while I swigged a bottle of cheap red plonk an' munched on a vending pack of Eucharist wafers.”

Since revelations of Ki$ha’s ‘haunted vagina’ went viral over the internet and Twitter, and the ‘Pussy Exorcism’ clip was posted on YouTube - to the erotic delight of thousands of onanists world-wide - outbreaks of what Dr Freddie Patel, senior gynaecologist at Rochdale’s prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence, has labelled PGCS (Phantom Ghost Cunt Syndrome) have plagued emergency hospital facilities and doctor’s surgeries around the UK.

“This current epidemic of female genital complaints, unlike the 1989 nation-wide outbreak of Dutch Twat Disease and last summer’s spate of Galloping Snatch Rot, is most definitely not clinical in nature but rooted in a manifestation of mass psychosomatic delusion brought about by celebrity mesmerism. In layman’s terms – too much television and believing anything this neurotic Ki$ha says about her fanciful supernatural sexual exploits with ghosts.”

Described by family, friends and industry associates alike as ‘brain dead’, 26-year old Ki$ha actually has the IQ of a small potted plant and was once described by Rolling Stone reporter Frank ‘Snort’ Scattstein as “An effin’ loony - eccentrics doesn’t even come into it – she’s fucking bonkers. Here we have yet another archetype shit-for-brains Californian cuckoo whose head is so far up her own arse it’s a miracle she can breathe.”

For the ‘Weirdo Trivia’ record, Ke$ha promotes a personal line of penis and testicle-shaped jewellery under the Bellend & Bollocks Fashions label, is openly bisexual - and an ordained minister, having been appointed to the rank of Bishop online by the actual head of the Burbank-based Cheesy Crust Church for Latter Day Rug Munchers, Pope Mingeeter IV.

Hmmm, on the subject of 'enchanted vaginas', I was once so enamoured by that comely Welsh lass Catherine Zeta-Jones, she inspired an insta-hard-on every time that tight arse waggled for the camera, and would have gladly crawled naked through a woodland nettle bed to lick her genital crease - only to have my tug fantasy illusions shattered upon learning that hubby Mike Douglas’s tongue and throat had become stricken with cancerous tumours from performing oral sex on her.

By the saints and all that’s holy – while medical science is of a collective agreed opinion that you can’t catch cancer off a toilet seat, it comes as a lifestyle modification shocker that you can cop a tumour or two from eating pussy.

Thought for the day. Demonic pussy possession. Who ya gonna call? Ghost-Busters? Maybe – but definitely not the Vatican.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.