Burglary ‘Poker Law’ Field Tested

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Taking the recent ‘public announcement’ advice of the Con-Dem Coalition government’s racist Justice Secretary, Chris ‘Baldy’ Graything, (incumbent Tory MP for the Epsom Salts constituency) quite literally, a group of old age pensioners who were confronted by a gang of teenage burglars breaking into their assisted living care facility with malice aforethought on Tuesday night, armed themselves with a selection of the living room fireplace hardware and beat one of the scrotes to death with pokers – with his surviving mates ending up at the local A & E smitten by a variety of nasty fractures, a knitting needle stuck in one’s left eye and a Zimmer frame leg rammed up another’s rear passage.

Emergency services, including ambulances, police and a SWAT team were called out to attend what neighbours described as a ‘fracas’ at the Fossils Elderly Care Home in Smegmadale and discovered to their shock and horror that the geriatric residents had taken matters into their own hands and applied the government’s controversial ‘Poker Law’ remedy to defend themselves and their property against the scally crew of would-be thieves – believed to be members of the feared ‘Zero IQ Gang’

One of the responding Plod Squad officers, PC Ron Fuctifino, told a reporter from the Vigilantes Gazette that “Obviously this booze and drug-fuelled bunch of young thugs, out for a quick buck, never did the HSE-recommended pre-burglary risk assessment first, and were definitely no match for a group of mayhem-bent grannies and grand-dads determined to protect their property. It wasn’t so much a matter of Law of the Gun but Law of the Fire Irons.”

Today’s banner headline on the front page of the crusading red top gutter press Daily Shitraker tabloid reads “Coffin Dodgers From Hell Snuff Teen Burglar” – with the BBC news website likewise reporting “Hoodie Scrotes: 0 / Pensioners: 5”.

PM Posh Dave Scameron recently announced for the public record that the issue of clarifying and ensuring the legal rights of home-owners to defend themselves and their property against acts of violent trespass and theft should be put "beyond doubt" – as under the conflicting statutes and terms of the 2008 Criminal Justice and Immigration Act homeowners who use "reasonable force" to protect themselves against gyppo pikey intruders and their like should not be prosecuted but often are – a fact that will be corrected and firmly established in Parliament’s forthcoming ‘Snuff the Scally’ bill.

Police have now revealed that the offending gang of five teens, all from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, and led by 17-year old Biffo ‘Pitbull’ McScumm and Gnasher O’Twatt, had made forced entry through a window at the back of the care home, bordering on Asbo Lane, with criminal intent to steal cash, pension books and jewellery, and other items of value that might be carried away.

Apparently the elderly residents, gathered around the TV in the communal lounge, were alerted by the sound of breaking glass while watching a re-run of Death Wish 1, and armed themselves with pokers from the fireplace and a selection of hardwood walking sticks.

Mrs Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle , a 96-year old grandmother of seven, and an avid ‘Dexter’ fan, told a reporter from the Payback Review that “This scrawny git wiv the green Mohawk cut an’ the tattoo of a snake round his neck comes over an’ stands in front of the telly, all hard man show-off bullshit, like – then the thick twat leans over an’ tried ter grab me effin’ hearin’ aid – sayin’ “Gimme yer MP3 player Granny” – so I stuck one on him, then me mate Maggie grabbed hold of the little cunt down while I kicked him in the bollocks a few times wiv me steel toe cap slippers on ‘til he went down – then I chivved him in the chest wiv me apple peeler while Mildred belted him round the effin’ head wiv a poker.”

Speaking to the press from his bed at Smegmadale Hospital’s intensive care unit, Gnasher O’Twatt, who has a past conviction for shoplifting from Pound Stretcher, told police officers “We’d bin doin’ a pub crawl around the Troublespot Taverns bars in town an’ ran out of cash – so we woz only out ter break inter the wrinklie’s place an’ nick a few quid an’ their telly - then flog it ter Cash Converters so we could buy some more booze from Threshers.”

“Fer fuck’s sake, the old bastards spit the dummy an’ got real ugly on us - an’ one ancient slag sticks the Liverpool kiss on Biffo an’ decks him – then her an’ another old cow knifes the poor fucker an’ cracks his skull open wiv a poker while the rest of the geriatric gang pasted the shit outa us wiv walkin’ sticks an’ crutches. I ain’t jokin’, these oldie tossers need ter go on one of them anger management courses. I’m gonna be talkin’ ter me personal injury claims lawyer once I get outa here.”

PC Fuctifino further related to media hacks that the only care home fatality suffered resulted when the responding Plod Squad officers had to taser 89-year old Mrs Gladys McSkanger, former bitch boss of the ‘Grannies from Hell’ biker chapter, when she refused to lay down her nail-studded pickaxe shaft and went into berserker mode, turning on them with a shout of “Bring it on yer scumbag plod tossers – I’ll do fer the lot of yer as well!”

Stop press: The Coroner's Post-mortem inquest report revealed the 50,000 volt electrical discharge from the taser caused Mrs McSkanger’s implanted pacemaker to explode.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.