Jeremy “me and my big gob” Clarkson puts his size 12 foot in it yet again.
Speaking to journalists in Sydney, the Top Gear petrol-head motoring presenter reportedly called the British prime minister a "one-eyed Scottish clunt".
Scottish politicians have reacted angrily to the comments made by Clarkson about their icon Gordon Brown.
Hector McPillock, Labour MP for the Highland’s Cuntsborough East constituency, said the remark was ‘typical and what we now expect from a BBC presenter’.
"Most people here are proud that the prime minister is a Scot, even if he wasn’t elected and we don’t believe the economic crisis and recession are actually his fault."
But Clarkson, who is in Australia to host Top Gear Live, a stage version of the hit BBC show, simply lacks the cerebral facility of engaging brain before opening mouth, and this is just the latest pathetic faux pas in a long line of pathetic faux pas.
The controversial presenter compared Mr Brown to Australian Prime Minister Kevin Crudd, shortly after Mr Crudd had addressed the country on the severity of the global financial crisis.
According to the ‘Gidday Mate’ Australian newspaper, Clarkson is quoted as saying : "Crudd genuinely looked terrified. The poor man, he's actually seen the books. In the UK we've got this one-eyed Scottish twat Gordon Brown as our unelected prime minister.”
"He keeps telling us everything's fine and he's saved the world and we all know he's lying through his rotting Caledonian teeth."
The comments provoked anger north of the border, with punchy Scots sending threatening texts and e-mail messages to Clarkson saying “See you Jimmy”, a Scottish euphemism for a wish to kick his Brillo pad head in for him.
But this is not the first occasion Gordon Brown’s eyesight limitations have attracted unsavoury remarks.
When New Labour came to power in 1997 it was commented by Tory snides that with Brown and Blunkett being included in Tony Bliar’s cabinet it would be an instance of the blind leading the sighted.
(Mr. Brown lost the sight of one eye in adolescence due suffering a chronic case of Wanker’s Glaucoma)
But Clarkson’s verbal diahorrea / terminal lip-flap ego-driven personality has established a Guinness record for gaffes and clangers.
In May of 2008 he told an audience that he had topped 186 mph while driving a Bugatti Veyron in London and pompously stated “The speed limit’s annoying for people who have a job to do.”
In November 2008 more than 18 million people complained to the BBC after Clarkson made a joke on Top Gear about lorry drivers killing sex workers.
The joke followed the conviction of French forklift truck driver Jacques de Ripper for the murders of five prostitutes in Cuntwich.
Further faux pas have included drinking while driving as he and his team tried to reach the Magnetic North Pole last year, and being photographed speaking on a cellphone while driving,
So a busy week for the BBC’s censorship department.
Finally recovering from the onslaught of viewer outrage concerning Ross and Brand’s taunting of Fawlty Towers’ Spanish waiter icon Manuel with tasteless comments about bonking his grand-daughter, they currently have Carol Thatcher’s brainless ‘Golliwog’ lip-slip comments to deal with.
To add to their woes BBC One’s Breakfast show has just aired an unedited tape of Batman star Christian Bale berating a colleague for ruining a shot on the set of the new Terminator ‘Salvation’ movie. The actor's outburst includes the use of the F-word (fuck) 35 times in just over four minutes.
Now they must consider if it is just and equitable to retain Clarkson for his stand-up idiot presenter value or have his vocal cords removed and lips stitched up to prevent future offences.
Friday, 6 February 2009
Millipede Kisses US Spy Agency Arses
Foreign Secretary David Millipede has told MPs that releasing classified US information could do "further significant damage" to the New Labour government’s credibility and ‘telling the truth’ was not in their best interests.
Publishing details of the inhumane treatment of veteran Guantanamo detainee Arthur Blenkinsop against US wishes could reveal what a bunch of lying bastards both the US and UK governments really are.
Mr. Blenkinsop, 30, a Yorkshire-born electrician, says he was kidnapped, illegally imprisoned and tortured, and the British MI6 intelligence agency was complicit.
But Millipede, in a fresh outburst of lying through his teeth, denied the CIA / NSA threatened to "break off" security cooperation if their secret illegal rendition flights and torture record documents were released to public scrutiny by the UK courts.
He told MPs: "Our intelligence relationship with the US is vital to the national security of the UK, and maintaining New Labour’s already fractured credibility. “
He added it was his juvenile opinion that "the disclosure of the intelligence documents at issue by order of UK courts, against the wishes of the US authorities, would indeed cause real and significant damage to the credibility of Labour’s Bliar and Brown leaderships".
Blenkinsop, from Huddersfield-on-Sea, has been held at secret rendition centres after being targeted by the US / UK military coalition intelligence agency spotters for looking like a “Middle-Eastern / Brazilian type” when he was kidnapped from a Butlin’s Holiday Camp in North Wales in 2003.
Mr. Blenkinsop alleges he was tortured while being held at various discount rendition centres in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Morocco, Brussels and Luton, but was unable to reply to his interrogators’ questions as they were always spoken in Arabic.
“They got all pissed-off like cos I couldn’t understand them. I kept sayin’ ‘Me Electrician – me from Huddersfield’, but it never got through their thick heads.They only spoke some daft towel-head lingo an’ I’ve only got a wee bit of schoolboy French apart from me Yorkshire English, so they took to torturing me.”
“Being a confirmed bachelor type, and a bit gay, I didn’t so much mind getting buggered, but the strappado and thumb screws really brought a tear to me eyes.”
The US has denied that his confession of being the head of Al Qaeda in Huddersfield was extracted by torture, stating that they just pulled out the odd fingernail, shoved a cattle prod up his mangy Arab ass, and gave him an occasional water-boarding session after he admitted being an 'Electrician'.
Conservative shadow foreign secretary Willhelm Vague demanded Millipede raise the issue with the new O’Barmy administration in the US as to why Mr. Blenkinsop spent years incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay before anyone realised he was a Yorkshireman.
He further postured the question of how “intelligent” are the US/UK coalition intelligence agencies when they can’t tell the difference between Arabs and Brazilians, think 'Muslim' is a racial type and believe “Electrician” is a Middle-Eastern nationality.
Millipede replied that the government had undertaken "a strenuous effort" to secure Mr. Blenkinsop's release from Guantanamo and return to the UK once it was discovered, belatedly, that he was in fact a practicing Christian at Huddersfield’s Pancake Tuesday Adventist Church and as harmless as a Teletubbie.
However Amnesty International director Kate Twatscratcher said: "It's not enough to pass this matter to a semi-secret committee, instead we need a proper independent public inquiry into Arthur Blenkinsop's case and the wider practice of rendition and secret detention."
“I mean, how stupid are the War on Terror coalition intelligence services when they kidnap a man on holiday at Butlin’s in North Wales because he admitted to being an electrician and looks slightly Brazilian, then it takes them six years to discover he comes from Huddersfield. I mean, his Yorkshire accent might sound foreign but it isn’t exactly Arabic.”
Publishing details of the inhumane treatment of veteran Guantanamo detainee Arthur Blenkinsop against US wishes could reveal what a bunch of lying bastards both the US and UK governments really are.
Mr. Blenkinsop, 30, a Yorkshire-born electrician, says he was kidnapped, illegally imprisoned and tortured, and the British MI6 intelligence agency was complicit.
But Millipede, in a fresh outburst of lying through his teeth, denied the CIA / NSA threatened to "break off" security cooperation if their secret illegal rendition flights and torture record documents were released to public scrutiny by the UK courts.
He told MPs: "Our intelligence relationship with the US is vital to the national security of the UK, and maintaining New Labour’s already fractured credibility. “
He added it was his juvenile opinion that "the disclosure of the intelligence documents at issue by order of UK courts, against the wishes of the US authorities, would indeed cause real and significant damage to the credibility of Labour’s Bliar and Brown leaderships".
Blenkinsop, from Huddersfield-on-Sea, has been held at secret rendition centres after being targeted by the US / UK military coalition intelligence agency spotters for looking like a “Middle-Eastern / Brazilian type” when he was kidnapped from a Butlin’s Holiday Camp in North Wales in 2003.
Mr. Blenkinsop alleges he was tortured while being held at various discount rendition centres in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Morocco, Brussels and Luton, but was unable to reply to his interrogators’ questions as they were always spoken in Arabic.
“They got all pissed-off like cos I couldn’t understand them. I kept sayin’ ‘Me Electrician – me from Huddersfield’, but it never got through their thick heads.They only spoke some daft towel-head lingo an’ I’ve only got a wee bit of schoolboy French apart from me Yorkshire English, so they took to torturing me.”
“Being a confirmed bachelor type, and a bit gay, I didn’t so much mind getting buggered, but the strappado and thumb screws really brought a tear to me eyes.”
The US has denied that his confession of being the head of Al Qaeda in Huddersfield was extracted by torture, stating that they just pulled out the odd fingernail, shoved a cattle prod up his mangy Arab ass, and gave him an occasional water-boarding session after he admitted being an 'Electrician'.
Conservative shadow foreign secretary Willhelm Vague demanded Millipede raise the issue with the new O’Barmy administration in the US as to why Mr. Blenkinsop spent years incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay before anyone realised he was a Yorkshireman.
He further postured the question of how “intelligent” are the US/UK coalition intelligence agencies when they can’t tell the difference between Arabs and Brazilians, think 'Muslim' is a racial type and believe “Electrician” is a Middle-Eastern nationality.
Millipede replied that the government had undertaken "a strenuous effort" to secure Mr. Blenkinsop's release from Guantanamo and return to the UK once it was discovered, belatedly, that he was in fact a practicing Christian at Huddersfield’s Pancake Tuesday Adventist Church and as harmless as a Teletubbie.
However Amnesty International director Kate Twatscratcher said: "It's not enough to pass this matter to a semi-secret committee, instead we need a proper independent public inquiry into Arthur Blenkinsop's case and the wider practice of rendition and secret detention."
“I mean, how stupid are the War on Terror coalition intelligence services when they kidnap a man on holiday at Butlin’s in North Wales because he admitted to being an electrician and looks slightly Brazilian, then it takes them six years to discover he comes from Huddersfield. I mean, his Yorkshire accent might sound foreign but it isn’t exactly Arabic.”
Thursday, 5 February 2009
UK Government Holds Burglary Summit
Minister for Stabvests Jacqui Smith is holding a "burglary summit" for England and Wales amid fears more homes will be broken into because of the deepening recession. (Oh yes, the Ministry for Stating the Bloody Obvious strikes yet again)
She will meet plods, insurance firms, DIY stores, charity shop representatives, and vigilante / lynching groups as well as launching a crime prevention campaign in each of the nation’s fish and chip shops.
It was noted that break-in’s of homes in England and Wales started to rise during December 2008 when burglars themselves began to feel the Christmas credit crunch.
Ms. Smith said while historically burglaries rose during recessions, there was nothing "inevitable" about it, especially so when the poverty-stricken general public didn’t have anything left worth stealing as it’s all been pawned at Cash Converters or repossessed by the bailiffs..
However, Vinnie McTwat, spokesman for the burglars’ union, Break-ins, told the media that domestic property thieves themselves are being exceptionally wary of forced entry robbery of even middle class homes since the recession took hold as several of their number are rumoured to have been summarily snuffed and ended up in the freezers of hungry / starving householders.
McTwat informed reporters “It ain’t bleedin’ on yer know. Some of our members ‘ave fallen into garden pit traps and got skewered wiv punji spears made outa bamboo canes from Homebase. Very nasty when they’ve bin smeared wiv dogshit.”
BBC home affairs correspondent Doug Snotford said that over the last 600 years robbery rates appeared to have peaked at times of extreme economic hardship, such as during the Crusades, the Peasant’s Revolt, the Black Death, both World Wars and Margaret Thatcher’s Conservative government.
The summit, which will also involve Neighbourhood Lynch representatives, aims to work out ways of limiting opportunities for burglars and coincides with the launch of a Parliamentary-approved crime prevention campaign by allowing home owner victims to shoot-on-sight house-breakers and the addition of wheelie coffins to a household’s recycle bin quota to dispose of the dead bodies.
Ms. Smith told BBC Breakfast that crowbars, tyre irons and glass cutters (The typical burglar tools of the trade) would henceforth require a police permit to purchase.
Last year, a leaked memo from Ms Smith to Gordon Brown warned of a likely increase in "acquisitive" crimes, including burglary, as a result of New Labour and the country's greedy inept bankers totally screwing up the UK economy and causing a recession.
Ms. Stabvest further added “We have to try and convince these burglar types that crime does not pay : even though it obviously does.”
However, on a more optimistic note, senior Metropolitan Police Guessologist, Professor Tom Foolery, stated that recorded burglary crime was now down by 9% in England and Wales since police stopped recording it.
Have you been a victim of a burglary? Do you think your home is safe? Do you have a couple of burglars buried in your back garden? Send us your stories using the form below:
In most cases a selection of your comments will be published, displaying your name and location so the police can arrest you.
She will meet plods, insurance firms, DIY stores, charity shop representatives, and vigilante / lynching groups as well as launching a crime prevention campaign in each of the nation’s fish and chip shops.
It was noted that break-in’s of homes in England and Wales started to rise during December 2008 when burglars themselves began to feel the Christmas credit crunch.
Ms. Smith said while historically burglaries rose during recessions, there was nothing "inevitable" about it, especially so when the poverty-stricken general public didn’t have anything left worth stealing as it’s all been pawned at Cash Converters or repossessed by the bailiffs..
However, Vinnie McTwat, spokesman for the burglars’ union, Break-ins, told the media that domestic property thieves themselves are being exceptionally wary of forced entry robbery of even middle class homes since the recession took hold as several of their number are rumoured to have been summarily snuffed and ended up in the freezers of hungry / starving householders.
McTwat informed reporters “It ain’t bleedin’ on yer know. Some of our members ‘ave fallen into garden pit traps and got skewered wiv punji spears made outa bamboo canes from Homebase. Very nasty when they’ve bin smeared wiv dogshit.”
BBC home affairs correspondent Doug Snotford said that over the last 600 years robbery rates appeared to have peaked at times of extreme economic hardship, such as during the Crusades, the Peasant’s Revolt, the Black Death, both World Wars and Margaret Thatcher’s Conservative government.
The summit, which will also involve Neighbourhood Lynch representatives, aims to work out ways of limiting opportunities for burglars and coincides with the launch of a Parliamentary-approved crime prevention campaign by allowing home owner victims to shoot-on-sight house-breakers and the addition of wheelie coffins to a household’s recycle bin quota to dispose of the dead bodies.
Ms. Smith told BBC Breakfast that crowbars, tyre irons and glass cutters (The typical burglar tools of the trade) would henceforth require a police permit to purchase.
Last year, a leaked memo from Ms Smith to Gordon Brown warned of a likely increase in "acquisitive" crimes, including burglary, as a result of New Labour and the country's greedy inept bankers totally screwing up the UK economy and causing a recession.
Ms. Stabvest further added “We have to try and convince these burglar types that crime does not pay : even though it obviously does.”
However, on a more optimistic note, senior Metropolitan Police Guessologist, Professor Tom Foolery, stated that recorded burglary crime was now down by 9% in England and Wales since police stopped recording it.
Have you been a victim of a burglary? Do you think your home is safe? Do you have a couple of burglars buried in your back garden? Send us your stories using the form below:
In most cases a selection of your comments will be published, displaying your name and location so the police can arrest you.
New Labour MP to be Sued for Laziness
Gordon Brown's Under-Secretary for Sickies, Ann Not-so-Keen, has been taken to court over allegations that she failed to exercise her duty to help a Crimea war veteran clear his name after a miscarriage of justice 155 years ago.
Wallace Fuctifino, 178, a retired tortoise polisher, claims he wrote more than a hundred letters to his MP asking her to help him get compensation for his wrongful conviction of stealing tuppence-worth of Gruyere in 1854 - a conviction which saw him serve seventy years in a Turkish prison.
The conviction came after three blind mice smuggled a huge quantity of contraband Swiss cheese into the Balaclava slit trench where he was sleeping, the theft of which was consequently blamed on him, but the charges and conviction were eventually quashed in 1998.
Mr. Fuctifino told court reporters “The Turkish police case were more full of bleedin’ holes than the fromage Suisse were, an’ it smelt of sweaty old socks too. The police case – not the cheese.”
Wallace Fuctifino, who developed a chronic ingrowing foreskin while fighting in the Crimea during the Charge of the Light Brigade, alleges his MP failed to act beyond writing the odd picture postcard to the Justice Secretary Baroness Scouseslag about his case twelve years ago, due her “being far too busy with more important government matters.”
Mrs. Not-so-Keen however denies the allegation, insisting she "repeatedly made representations" on Mr Fuctifino's behalf and sent numerous acknowledgements to his letters via the Royal Mail’s ‘pigeon post’ and ‘message in a bottle’ shithouse class delivery systems.
Legal experts say the case, which is being heard at the Bentplod County Court, is the first of an MP facing action for breaching their "duty of care" to a constituent by failing to get off their lazy fat arses.
While MPs have no statutory obligation to voters, the Commons code of conduct says they have a "general duty to act in the interests of the nation as a whole and a special duty to their constituents to justify their enormous expense allowances, salaries and pensions".
Mrs. Not-so-Keen made the national news headlines last year after she and her bent husband Alan Not-so-Keen, MP for Feltup and Heston-on-Vomit, used £175,000 of public money to buy a second home flat near Parliament when they already had a home just nine miles away, and never submitted a single receipt for the questionable expenditure. The revelation earned them the sobriquet "Mr And Mrs Crooked Cunt.”
Mrs. Not-so-Keen currently holds the New Labour marginal slack-arse seat for Smegmadale and Twatsworth East with 666 votes.
Mr Fuctifino, a resident of the Smegmadale Slums Retirement Complex told the Daily Shitraker "I haven't asked for the fuckin’ Earth. I just want some assistance from my elected representative to clear my name before I bleedin’ croak."
The Parliamentary Secretary for Slackarses, Candida Muffitch, was quoted as saying: "Annie Not-so-Keen has done all she could for Wallace Fuctifino without getting off her slack arse. She tried to help at the start and has been sending him a House of Commons Christmas card every Easter.”
"As recently as June 1997 she told Mr. Fuctifino that his Turkish prison governor should contact her if there was any useful action she could take.”
So kudos to Mr. Fuctifino and hopefully he wins his case, thus setting a precedent for the British public at large to sue the entire gamut of Commons MPs for being a bunch of idle overpaid tossers, squandering taxpayers funds and committing our reluctant, protesting souls to membership of the economic abortion titled the European Union, while the news headline font for RECESSION gets bigger and bolder, and further underlined, with each passing day.
Wallace Fuctifino, 178, a retired tortoise polisher, claims he wrote more than a hundred letters to his MP asking her to help him get compensation for his wrongful conviction of stealing tuppence-worth of Gruyere in 1854 - a conviction which saw him serve seventy years in a Turkish prison.
The conviction came after three blind mice smuggled a huge quantity of contraband Swiss cheese into the Balaclava slit trench where he was sleeping, the theft of which was consequently blamed on him, but the charges and conviction were eventually quashed in 1998.
Mr. Fuctifino told court reporters “The Turkish police case were more full of bleedin’ holes than the fromage Suisse were, an’ it smelt of sweaty old socks too. The police case – not the cheese.”
Wallace Fuctifino, who developed a chronic ingrowing foreskin while fighting in the Crimea during the Charge of the Light Brigade, alleges his MP failed to act beyond writing the odd picture postcard to the Justice Secretary Baroness Scouseslag about his case twelve years ago, due her “being far too busy with more important government matters.”
Mrs. Not-so-Keen however denies the allegation, insisting she "repeatedly made representations" on Mr Fuctifino's behalf and sent numerous acknowledgements to his letters via the Royal Mail’s ‘pigeon post’ and ‘message in a bottle’ shithouse class delivery systems.
Legal experts say the case, which is being heard at the Bentplod County Court, is the first of an MP facing action for breaching their "duty of care" to a constituent by failing to get off their lazy fat arses.
While MPs have no statutory obligation to voters, the Commons code of conduct says they have a "general duty to act in the interests of the nation as a whole and a special duty to their constituents to justify their enormous expense allowances, salaries and pensions".
Mrs. Not-so-Keen made the national news headlines last year after she and her bent husband Alan Not-so-Keen, MP for Feltup and Heston-on-Vomit, used £175,000 of public money to buy a second home flat near Parliament when they already had a home just nine miles away, and never submitted a single receipt for the questionable expenditure. The revelation earned them the sobriquet "Mr And Mrs Crooked Cunt.”
Mrs. Not-so-Keen currently holds the New Labour marginal slack-arse seat for Smegmadale and Twatsworth East with 666 votes.
Mr Fuctifino, a resident of the Smegmadale Slums Retirement Complex told the Daily Shitraker "I haven't asked for the fuckin’ Earth. I just want some assistance from my elected representative to clear my name before I bleedin’ croak."
The Parliamentary Secretary for Slackarses, Candida Muffitch, was quoted as saying: "Annie Not-so-Keen has done all she could for Wallace Fuctifino without getting off her slack arse. She tried to help at the start and has been sending him a House of Commons Christmas card every Easter.”
"As recently as June 1997 she told Mr. Fuctifino that his Turkish prison governor should contact her if there was any useful action she could take.”
So kudos to Mr. Fuctifino and hopefully he wins his case, thus setting a precedent for the British public at large to sue the entire gamut of Commons MPs for being a bunch of idle overpaid tossers, squandering taxpayers funds and committing our reluctant, protesting souls to membership of the economic abortion titled the European Union, while the news headline font for RECESSION gets bigger and bolder, and further underlined, with each passing day.
Thatcher Axed by BBC for Racist Slur
Carol Twatcher will no longer work on The One Show after being reported for making an off-air racist remark, the BBC has announced.
Alike her mother, ex-Tory PM Slaggie Twatcher, Carol obviously possesses the diplomatic skills of a Tasmanian tantrum devil suffering PMS, and too lacks the facility to engage brain before opening mouth.
But anyone who suffered sharing the same womb and embryonic fluids for nine months with twin brother ‘Mork the Dork’ Twatcher is bound to be intellectually and emotionally challenged and inadequate.
Vilified by the world press for her thoughtless callous remark, she has been classed as a bombastic cloth-eared clot replica of her dominating mother, Atilla the Hen.
One Third World news report compared her as another chinless dipshit wonder like her slimy villainous twin brother, while several online racial equality websites and blogs carried the harsh banner : ‘Carol Piranha Teeth - implying she’s equipped with a mouthful of fangs that could frighten a man off the joys of fellatio forever.
While backstage, during filming of the BBC One programme, with the Australian Open Tennis Championships on one of the monitors, Ms. Ratcher referred to a well sun-tanned player who had just been knocked out of the men's singles draw, as a "golliwog".
Her spokesman, Jackie Slime, told the media she made the casual remark in a conversation with the show's presenter Adrian Numpty backstage and it was "meant as a joke".
"Old Carol made a bit of a joke, like, about dis darkie tennis player, lookin' like the golliwog on a pot of Robertson’s jam, yer know, wiv ‘is black ‘air stuck out like a chimney sweep’s brush.
Carol's no bleedin' racist cos she loves a bit of black between the bedsheets wiv 'er now an' again : either sex.”
While the BBC initially refused to reveal the identity of who Twatcher had slurred, it soon became established fact that it was the French tennis player, Le Mans-born Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, whose father is of Congolese origin and mother a part-time ferret juggler.
However, Conservative peer Lord Tebbit questioned the BBC's decision.
"It does seem very odd that slimeball Jonathan Ross can be back broadcasting after having made obscene, insulting remarks on the air concerning bonking Manuel’s grand-daughter, and Carol Ratcher calls a spade a spade, even if the bloke was more of a shovel and had spent a bit too long in the tanning lounge, and she gets the tar and feather treatment.”
“I’m cancelling my subscription to the TV Licence Club and Strictly Come Gardening henceforth in protest of the BBC’s double-standards.”
But Ms. Twatcher’s tactless offhand comment has had Regal repercussions, which are still reverberating throughout the Galaxy.
Managers of a gift shop on the Queen's Sandringham Estate in Norfolk have apologised after they were grassed up to the national news media for selling golliwog soft toys.
The “darkie dolls” have now been withdrawn from sale until their heads can be bleached to a more acceptable and politically-correct Aryan complexion.
A royal spokesdork said that Buckingham Palace Toys Ltd. "did not intend to offend anyone, but if it had, well : tough shit".
The £9.99 dark-skinned cuddly dolls had been on sale in the Sandringham shop since the reign of Queen Victoria, when 99% of the British Empire was populated by golliwogs.
Prince Phillip was fortunately unavailable for comment.
Alike her mother, ex-Tory PM Slaggie Twatcher, Carol obviously possesses the diplomatic skills of a Tasmanian tantrum devil suffering PMS, and too lacks the facility to engage brain before opening mouth.
But anyone who suffered sharing the same womb and embryonic fluids for nine months with twin brother ‘Mork the Dork’ Twatcher is bound to be intellectually and emotionally challenged and inadequate.
Vilified by the world press for her thoughtless callous remark, she has been classed as a bombastic cloth-eared clot replica of her dominating mother, Atilla the Hen.
One Third World news report compared her as another chinless dipshit wonder like her slimy villainous twin brother, while several online racial equality websites and blogs carried the harsh banner : ‘Carol Piranha Teeth - implying she’s equipped with a mouthful of fangs that could frighten a man off the joys of fellatio forever.
While backstage, during filming of the BBC One programme, with the Australian Open Tennis Championships on one of the monitors, Ms. Ratcher referred to a well sun-tanned player who had just been knocked out of the men's singles draw, as a "golliwog".
Her spokesman, Jackie Slime, told the media she made the casual remark in a conversation with the show's presenter Adrian Numpty backstage and it was "meant as a joke".
"Old Carol made a bit of a joke, like, about dis darkie tennis player, lookin' like the golliwog on a pot of Robertson’s jam, yer know, wiv ‘is black ‘air stuck out like a chimney sweep’s brush.
Carol's no bleedin' racist cos she loves a bit of black between the bedsheets wiv 'er now an' again : either sex.”
While the BBC initially refused to reveal the identity of who Twatcher had slurred, it soon became established fact that it was the French tennis player, Le Mans-born Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, whose father is of Congolese origin and mother a part-time ferret juggler.
However, Conservative peer Lord Tebbit questioned the BBC's decision.
"It does seem very odd that slimeball Jonathan Ross can be back broadcasting after having made obscene, insulting remarks on the air concerning bonking Manuel’s grand-daughter, and Carol Ratcher calls a spade a spade, even if the bloke was more of a shovel and had spent a bit too long in the tanning lounge, and she gets the tar and feather treatment.”
“I’m cancelling my subscription to the TV Licence Club and Strictly Come Gardening henceforth in protest of the BBC’s double-standards.”
But Ms. Twatcher’s tactless offhand comment has had Regal repercussions, which are still reverberating throughout the Galaxy.
Managers of a gift shop on the Queen's Sandringham Estate in Norfolk have apologised after they were grassed up to the national news media for selling golliwog soft toys.
The “darkie dolls” have now been withdrawn from sale until their heads can be bleached to a more acceptable and politically-correct Aryan complexion.
A royal spokesdork said that Buckingham Palace Toys Ltd. "did not intend to offend anyone, but if it had, well : tough shit".
The £9.99 dark-skinned cuddly dolls had been on sale in the Sandringham shop since the reign of Queen Victoria, when 99% of the British Empire was populated by golliwogs.
Prince Phillip was fortunately unavailable for comment.
Monday, 2 February 2009
Iceland Now Ruled by Muff-Muncher
Sapphie Dildodo, named as Iceland's new prime minister on Sunday, is the first openly lesbian head of government in Europe, if not the world - at least in modern times.
The 66-year-old dashing dyke’s appointment as an interim leader, until elections in May, is seen by many as a milestone for sexual deviants everywhere.
To date, if shirt lifters or rug-munchers have become prime minister, they’ve done their best to keep the fact well and truly closeted.
The UK’s been governed by clandestine public school faggots and bumboys for centuries and today’s Parliament and civil service are still ridden with troops of gay Gordons.
As Tory PM Harold Macmillan once defiantly told Downing Street reporters who made sordid references to members of his infamous brown-hatter cabinet in the midst of the Profumo scandal, “If I, or any or my ministers, take it up the arse, that’s our business.”
But what is really historic about Iceland’s new government, says Slutsy Twattdottir, the ‘sensible shoes’ secretary of Ms. Dildodo's Social Frottage Alliance, is not the fact that its leader is a butch bitch, but that for the first time in Icelandic history it boasts a cabinet composed entirely of clam-licking lesbians.
"I don't think her sexual orientation matters. Our voters are pretty liberal and don't care about any of that. They all had a really good laugh last week when she walked into the Althing Assembly wearing a strapon harness and declared she was going to butt-fuck the brains out of our incompetent ex-Prime Minister, Cunter Nogsonn, for screwing up the entire economy,” Ms. Twatdottir told BBC News.
However, in most of western Europe the coming-out of a politician will still make headlines in the gutter press.
Only last week Roger Hemhorroid became the first French government minister to disclose his homosexuality, even though the entire National Assembly has been considered by some to be very iffy and chock full of sphincter-stretching poofs since the reign of Napoleon.
Whereas when New Labour assumed office in 1997 the cabinet was staffed by a mix of shameless and posturing self-proclaimed sodomites and outed bisexual fudgers who blatantly broadcast their scatological peccadillos.
Tory leader Margaret Thatcher (aka Atilla the Hen) was often touted as a closet butch bisexual who lived out her dominatrix fantasies by screwing the unions and coal miners.
Husband Denis once revealed to Daily Smellygraph editor and friend Bill Deeds that Maggie wore the pants and they hadn’t had sex since twins Carol and Mark were born. One look at her chinless wonder of a dipshit son and her thighs went into chastity lock mode as far as Denis’s amorous advances were concerned.
“She was a rotten shag anyways and I always preferred having a wank in the bath,” Denis confided. “I heard it rumoured she used to give John Major one up the back passage with her six inch clitoris if he wasn’t shaping up.”
While Destiny’s smile has descended on Iceland’s Ms. Dildodo, it’s only a quirk of political fate and timing that denied the dubious honour of First Place from going to closet lesbian US Presidential wannabe Hillary Rodent Clinton who was beaten to the Democratic nomination post by closet faggot black Muslim Kenyan-American candidate Bar-rat O’Barmy.
Even Hillary’s worthless klutz of a husband, Bill the Artful Dodger, admits she’s a raving bean-flicker.
So Iceland’s new PM is a self-outed lesbo, publicly parades her female civil partner and marks a historical first. Hooray !
Hopefully she doesn’t follow in the footsteps of Queen Nefertiti, the Egyptian 18th Dynasty monarch who dominated her impotent faggot husband Akhenaten and became a misandrist emasculator of males who earned her ire.
Famous for a harem of exotic beauties and lesbian orgies, her collection of dried scrotums and pickled cocks still holds a pride of place in the Cairo Museum’s display of Pharaonic erotica.
The 66-year-old dashing dyke’s appointment as an interim leader, until elections in May, is seen by many as a milestone for sexual deviants everywhere.
To date, if shirt lifters or rug-munchers have become prime minister, they’ve done their best to keep the fact well and truly closeted.
The UK’s been governed by clandestine public school faggots and bumboys for centuries and today’s Parliament and civil service are still ridden with troops of gay Gordons.
As Tory PM Harold Macmillan once defiantly told Downing Street reporters who made sordid references to members of his infamous brown-hatter cabinet in the midst of the Profumo scandal, “If I, or any or my ministers, take it up the arse, that’s our business.”
But what is really historic about Iceland’s new government, says Slutsy Twattdottir, the ‘sensible shoes’ secretary of Ms. Dildodo's Social Frottage Alliance, is not the fact that its leader is a butch bitch, but that for the first time in Icelandic history it boasts a cabinet composed entirely of clam-licking lesbians.
"I don't think her sexual orientation matters. Our voters are pretty liberal and don't care about any of that. They all had a really good laugh last week when she walked into the Althing Assembly wearing a strapon harness and declared she was going to butt-fuck the brains out of our incompetent ex-Prime Minister, Cunter Nogsonn, for screwing up the entire economy,” Ms. Twatdottir told BBC News.
However, in most of western Europe the coming-out of a politician will still make headlines in the gutter press.
Only last week Roger Hemhorroid became the first French government minister to disclose his homosexuality, even though the entire National Assembly has been considered by some to be very iffy and chock full of sphincter-stretching poofs since the reign of Napoleon.
Whereas when New Labour assumed office in 1997 the cabinet was staffed by a mix of shameless and posturing self-proclaimed sodomites and outed bisexual fudgers who blatantly broadcast their scatological peccadillos.
Tory leader Margaret Thatcher (aka Atilla the Hen) was often touted as a closet butch bisexual who lived out her dominatrix fantasies by screwing the unions and coal miners.
Husband Denis once revealed to Daily Smellygraph editor and friend Bill Deeds that Maggie wore the pants and they hadn’t had sex since twins Carol and Mark were born. One look at her chinless wonder of a dipshit son and her thighs went into chastity lock mode as far as Denis’s amorous advances were concerned.
“She was a rotten shag anyways and I always preferred having a wank in the bath,” Denis confided. “I heard it rumoured she used to give John Major one up the back passage with her six inch clitoris if he wasn’t shaping up.”
While Destiny’s smile has descended on Iceland’s Ms. Dildodo, it’s only a quirk of political fate and timing that denied the dubious honour of First Place from going to closet lesbian US Presidential wannabe Hillary Rodent Clinton who was beaten to the Democratic nomination post by closet faggot black Muslim Kenyan-American candidate Bar-rat O’Barmy.
Even Hillary’s worthless klutz of a husband, Bill the Artful Dodger, admits she’s a raving bean-flicker.
So Iceland’s new PM is a self-outed lesbo, publicly parades her female civil partner and marks a historical first. Hooray !
Hopefully she doesn’t follow in the footsteps of Queen Nefertiti, the Egyptian 18th Dynasty monarch who dominated her impotent faggot husband Akhenaten and became a misandrist emasculator of males who earned her ire.
Famous for a harem of exotic beauties and lesbian orgies, her collection of dried scrotums and pickled cocks still holds a pride of place in the Cairo Museum’s display of Pharaonic erotica.
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Wildcat Strikes : Hellboy Warns on Protectionism
Gordon Brown’s recently-appointed chief hatchet man, Business Secretary Lord Mandelson of Sleaze, (aka the Prince of Darkness / Hellboy) last night issued an eleventh-hour hysterical warning that protectionism would be a "huge mistake" ahead of talks to try and end wildcat strikes over employing foreign workers.
Obviously Mandelson employed his practiced ‘selective memory’ technique when Gordon Brown's pledge to create 'British jobs for British workers' was exposed as more at scent than substance, with wildcat strikes spreading across Britain in protest at the use of foreign labour.
Since the Prime Minister made his promise in September 2007, the number of migrants employed has risen sharply while the number of Britons has dropped. The Government's own statistics show that, in the 12 months after Mr Brown's speech, the number of foreign workers rose by 275,000 as the number of British in work fell by 146,000.
Poor Gordon, his promised EU / Globalism golden goose didn’t even make it to lame duck status. If this is the best New Labour’s government can produce, then we’ve seen better organised riots.
But Baron Handy Mandy, with his Muppet show haircut and Pinocchio shnozzer growing an inch every time he opens his septic mouth, has a political agenda of his own on the line and under threat.
Mandelson, regarded by many as the type of man who makes you want to count your fingers after shaking hands with him, has earned a reputation of being more bent than a corkscrew and wouldn’t tell the truth even if he didn’t have a lie ready.
In the current exposure of corruption in the House of Lords anything Mandelson, or his Vermin in Ermine noble collegues say, must be regarded with the deepest of suspicions as all are parties of self-interest, acting towards the detriment of the many and benefit of the few : themselves.
The British worker, hit by a recession of New Labour’s alchemic conjuring, faces reduced working hours and redundancy. His quality of Life is about to take a sharp downhill turn. He thus rightly protests against work on England’s green and pleasant lands being awarded to foreign companies and such work undertaken by the import of foreign labour.
If this is to be the outcome of our membership of the EU, then we don’t want need it. Britain needs the EU, Globalism and the New World Order like a fish needs a bike.
Now we have the banksters and financial anoraks, with more degrees than a rack of thermometers, who engineered this mess (and are still earning annual bonuses that exceed the GDP earnings of some Third World countries) telling us that our woes weren’t really caused by de-industrialisation, and the road to economic recovery lies in allowing local industries to be run by our foreign competition, and the work done by foreign labour. Que?
Protectionism, they spout, would turn the recession into a depression. At this moment in time we ponder if there is much of an actual difference.
This current crisis erupted when sympathy strikes broke out across the country after workers walked out at the Lincolnshire-based Lindsey Baby Oil Refinery when ‘French’ owner Total gave a £200m contract to Italian firm Spag-Bollo-Nasty. The Italians intend to staff the project with their own nationals.
Lord Sleaze of Foy & Hartlepool considers Total’s actions to be tip-top and simply can’t comprehend the striker’s ire at the Italians bringing in cheap foreign labour. Obviously the term 'Red rag to a Bull' isn't a part of Hellboy's vocabulary.
How much faith can the strikers put in the opinions or words of a man who’s been fired more times than the Greenwich noonday cannon and expects, as though through Divine Right, that British workers should obey his every command.
While Hellboy maintains it would be a huge mistake to retreat from a policy where, under EU rules, UK labour can work in Europe and European labour can work here, he seems to miss the point that Brit’s don’t want to work in Europe for less that their regular UK salary rates.
But Mandelson, who doesn’t know shit from shinola and has never done an honest day’s work in his life, still believes ‘Manual Labour’ is a Spaniard.
Obviously Mandelson employed his practiced ‘selective memory’ technique when Gordon Brown's pledge to create 'British jobs for British workers' was exposed as more at scent than substance, with wildcat strikes spreading across Britain in protest at the use of foreign labour.
Since the Prime Minister made his promise in September 2007, the number of migrants employed has risen sharply while the number of Britons has dropped. The Government's own statistics show that, in the 12 months after Mr Brown's speech, the number of foreign workers rose by 275,000 as the number of British in work fell by 146,000.
Poor Gordon, his promised EU / Globalism golden goose didn’t even make it to lame duck status. If this is the best New Labour’s government can produce, then we’ve seen better organised riots.
But Baron Handy Mandy, with his Muppet show haircut and Pinocchio shnozzer growing an inch every time he opens his septic mouth, has a political agenda of his own on the line and under threat.
Mandelson, regarded by many as the type of man who makes you want to count your fingers after shaking hands with him, has earned a reputation of being more bent than a corkscrew and wouldn’t tell the truth even if he didn’t have a lie ready.
In the current exposure of corruption in the House of Lords anything Mandelson, or his Vermin in Ermine noble collegues say, must be regarded with the deepest of suspicions as all are parties of self-interest, acting towards the detriment of the many and benefit of the few : themselves.
The British worker, hit by a recession of New Labour’s alchemic conjuring, faces reduced working hours and redundancy. His quality of Life is about to take a sharp downhill turn. He thus rightly protests against work on England’s green and pleasant lands being awarded to foreign companies and such work undertaken by the import of foreign labour.
If this is to be the outcome of our membership of the EU, then we don’t want need it. Britain needs the EU, Globalism and the New World Order like a fish needs a bike.
Now we have the banksters and financial anoraks, with more degrees than a rack of thermometers, who engineered this mess (and are still earning annual bonuses that exceed the GDP earnings of some Third World countries) telling us that our woes weren’t really caused by de-industrialisation, and the road to economic recovery lies in allowing local industries to be run by our foreign competition, and the work done by foreign labour. Que?
Protectionism, they spout, would turn the recession into a depression. At this moment in time we ponder if there is much of an actual difference.
This current crisis erupted when sympathy strikes broke out across the country after workers walked out at the Lincolnshire-based Lindsey Baby Oil Refinery when ‘French’ owner Total gave a £200m contract to Italian firm Spag-Bollo-Nasty. The Italians intend to staff the project with their own nationals.
Lord Sleaze of Foy & Hartlepool considers Total’s actions to be tip-top and simply can’t comprehend the striker’s ire at the Italians bringing in cheap foreign labour. Obviously the term 'Red rag to a Bull' isn't a part of Hellboy's vocabulary.
How much faith can the strikers put in the opinions or words of a man who’s been fired more times than the Greenwich noonday cannon and expects, as though through Divine Right, that British workers should obey his every command.
While Hellboy maintains it would be a huge mistake to retreat from a policy where, under EU rules, UK labour can work in Europe and European labour can work here, he seems to miss the point that Brit’s don’t want to work in Europe for less that their regular UK salary rates.
But Mandelson, who doesn’t know shit from shinola and has never done an honest day’s work in his life, still believes ‘Manual Labour’ is a Spaniard.
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