Stoke Wage Festive Season War on Homeless

In today’s ‘Staffordshire: Season of Goodwill Cancelled ' counter-culture exposé edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from our homeless cross-dressing media correspondent, Mollie McSkanger, manning the live news cellphone hotline from under her rhododendron bush squat in Stoke-on-Trent's manicured Burslem Park for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding anti-authoritarian non-conformists, proto-nihilists and those career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg recusant bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Town Hall whistleblowers – hell bent on stirring up a festive season shitstorm for their bosses - the collective membership of the county borough council of Stoke-on-Trent is most definitely opposed to being renamed 'Stoke-in-Tent' due the thousands of homeless people living under canvas around Staffordshire's housing deficient capital hub - and are set to issue a pre-Xmas '11th Hour Commandment' declaring homelessness a social crime that will carry the penalty of a £1,000 quid fine.

Hmmm, fine the hapless unfortunates £1,000 nicker a-piece for sleeping rough? Yeah, that makes perfect fucking sense – considering they ain't got two red cents to rub together to start with – hence why they're homeless.

Stoke-on Trent's empathy-deficient council jobsworths have been branded as 'cruel and callous' following their 'zero exceptions' Festive Season unilateral declaration of war on the city's homeless if they're caught sleeping in tents around the city centre. (er – 'the city's homeless' - that's members of the Staffordshire population these useless council wankers - purportedly tasked with managing the borough's affairs - can't provide housing for).

Staffordshire Plod Squad's intellectually-challenged Inspector Sean Klunt informed one gutter press hack from the Neo-Nazi Review that his 'Boys in Blue' fully support the council's idiotic proposals to slap these homeless - (and penniless) - rough sleeper scallies with on-the-spot fines – and if they don't cough up immediately, if not sooner, then drag them into court where they'll cop a £1,000 quid fine – an even more ridiculous amount they can't possibly pay.

Alas, don't we all mourn the death of common sense and logic – for if they can't pay the imposed fiscal penalty then drag them back into court again and get thrown in prison. Que? WTF? Well, at least there they'll have a roof over their heads, plus a warm bed, three meals a day – plus toilet and bathing facilities available.

Inspector Klunt clarified that the public space protection order (PSPO) will make it an offence for a person to assemble, erect, occupy or use a tent unless part of a council-sanctioned activity – per se, a cub scout or girl guide jamboree.

"My lads 'ave bin on one of those Common Purpose self-empowerment trainin' programmes – specifically the Simon Harwood TSG Sadist course – wot teaches them how ter convince homeless rough sleepers that it's time ter 'move along' – a couple of kicks in the ribs an' a belt round the back of the legs wiv a telescopic steel Asp gets 'em motivated. Same wiv these aggressive beggar types – they're the next target on our list of social undesirables."

Conversely, Ruth Smegma, the incumbent Labour MP for Stoke-in-Tents, opined to media hacks that "Due the Tory Nasty Party government's austerity measures and local authority funding being slashed, we do have a growing problem with homelessness around Stoke, but criminalising the most vulnerable sectors of our society for their misfortune in the lead-up to Christmas is no way to fix it. A pity they don't remember that Mary and Joseph were homeless and baby Jesus was born while they were squatting in a stable."

"This pubic space protection order is a disgrace – and failure to meet these fantasy £100 on the spot penalty notices - resulting in prosecution and incurring £1,000 default fines – thus saddling folk with debt they can’t pay - equates as ludicrous and bizarre."
"The slack-twat council need to get off their collective arses and do the job they've been entrusted with – finding the homeless 'homes' and not letting these Common Purpose brainwashed local Plod Squad thugs loose to terrorise the unfortunates who have nowhere to live."

(For the edification of the uninformed: Common Purpose is a sleazy fascist outfit run by control freak Julia Middleton – that conducts Tavistock Institute designed self-empowerment leadership development (programming) courses – to identify zero-empathy psycho zombies and manoeuvre them into positions of socio-political power – a system based on the tried n tested doctrines of Hitler's Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels - to indoctrinate IQ-deficient establishment dogsbodies with the required 'comply or else' ruthless chutzpah to manage the Bolshie common herd sheeple's collective mindset via media mesmerising 'truth n lies' propaganda - and deter them from going into critical thinking mode.)

Further, Middleton's Common Purpose NLP brainwashing cult is not to be confused with the genuine article 'Common Porpoise' – a real deal charity devoted to the welfare of distressed pelagic mammals.

The controversial and most seriously flawed 'pubic space protection order' is the toxic brainchild of the 'couldn't give a flying fuck about the poor n homeless' City Centre Partnership and backed by a majority of the town's 'for profit' business owners - who have twisted the arms of the local council – a not fit for purpose body comprised of Freemasonic fogeys and post-menopausal misogynistic trolls – the latter looking – in toto - to be in need of a dose of industrial strength Botox – and cosmetic dentistry.

Bev Titwank, a 16 year old mother of three and local spokesperson for the 'Live in a Bin' housing charity, interviewed on Radio Potteries 'Vagrant Hour' programme, explained "Yer got the council sayin' that no fucker or their dog's gonna get fined fer sleepin' rough cos what they're proposin' is only 'a consultation' right now - under the national pubic space protection order legislation - powers wot local authority fascist bastards up an' down the country are already usin' ter criminalise beggars an' homeless people."

"But just watch yer arse, cos come the 15th December it's gonna be law – an' the petition - wot's bin signed by over 3,000 people callin' fer the council ter abandon the plan – is gonna get shit-canned, double-effin'-quick."
"I suppose that me an' the kids are dead lucky cos the priest at St Sodom's Church fer Latter Day Catamites has let us squat in the shed at the back of the priory garden."

Do you live in a tent or a cardboard box around the Stoke-on-Trent area? Do you fall into Inspector Klunt's 'aggressive beggar' category? Do you demand a hand-out with menaces – or simply forget to say 'please' and 'thank you'?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a 'Cave Rave' weekend away for two in one of the Peak District National Park's numerous limestone caverns.

A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and squat location so Inspector Klunt's uniformed thugs know where to find you.

Thought for the day: Perhaps the Stoke-in-Tents council might do more for their homeless population if they concentrated on social issues and housing problems rather than sat at their desks 'jobsworthing' – and downloading streams of vile paedo-porn onto their laptops for perverted onanist gratification – as per the case of Stoke City Council employee, Anthony Rawlingson, who was sentenced to 12 months in prison this past week following his arrest and prosecution – after being found to have 562 indecent images of children being sexually abused on his computer - of which 162 images and two videos were classed as the very nasty 'Category A' variety.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Carbon Credits Cap & Trade Offset Exchange (aka Global Warming / Climate Change Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration:
While a hefty score of conscience-stifled rabid royals, noncing nobles, political ponces, perjurious Oxford college principals, bent money-laundering Glassie lawyers and corruption-ridden porky plods might have become collateral 'fear and alarm' casualties and thrown into paranoid psychosis states of scandalous exposure anxiety attacks, no innocent non-combatant women and kids - and especially so Muslim migrant refugee 'Junior Jihadi' sprogs – or trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees, small furry 'felcher friendly' sized mammals – ferrets and stoats, voles, moles, white mice, bum rats, chinchillas, hamsters, guinea pigs, gerbils, miniature coypus, dwarf beavers, etcetera, et al – were harmed in posting this insurrectionist Truthsayer epistle.

Conversely, a large number of the NSA - GCHQ / Five Eyes Alliance’s Prism / Tempora / Carnivore / Pegasus / Echelon / X-Keyscore / Evident / SIG-INT I-Spy super snooper ‘Nosy Bastard’ wire-tap / IMSI catchers / eavesdropping / Eco-Giraffe data mining / TOR sniffing / JTRIG / Umbra Ultra-encrypted system’s nasty network electrons on Hubble Bubble Road in EMF smog-bound Cheltenham were shocked into high anxiety states and temporarily inconvenienced by our act of disrespect for political correctness.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness.
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