In today’s 'Insult to Injury' exposé edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from our homeless media correspondent, Marty McScrote, manning the live news smartphone hotline from his all-weather winter quarters bivvy under a rhododendron bush on Kensington's Lancaster Green – right next to the burned-out shell of his previous Grenfell Tower squat - for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding anti-authoritarian non-conformists, proto-nihilists and those career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg recusant bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The Tory Nasty Party controlled Kensington Council bureaucraps have gone one step beyond the pale with their May 2018 local election campaigning – expediting a 'What Do Voters Think?' survey to get a finger on the proverbial pulse of the people - not so much that they give a flying fuck about anything the public think or say (which will make zero difference to political policy) but to give the taxpaying common herd sheeple a counterfeit sense the council 'care' about their opinions.
The questionnaire circulated by the moneybags Kensington branch of the Conservative Party was sent out to households in the Spendthrift ward - a wealthy neighbourhood of Kensington, asking for people's 1 to 10 point-scoring views on the fatal Grenfell Tower inferno - alongside such mundane issues as parking, dog poop scooping and dead cat recycling.
However, those affected by the Grenfell fire have criticised the gormless council survey as crass and offensive - asking residents for an assessment of how important the tragedy was to them – and rate the disaster alongside other local issues on a scale of '0 - not important at all' to '10 – a bit important'.
Labour MP David Lambchop, who is rumoured to have lost his main drug dealing contact in the fire, whinged to one gutter press hack from the Inferno Gazette that the Kensington Council election campaign crew must have their collective heads up their arses.
Dropped through letterboxes of the Nouveau Riche Ward in Kensington last Sunday, the survey leaflet was an attempt to build political support ahead of next year’s local elections for the controversial council.
Residents were asked to circle the number which represents how important to you and your family each of the following local issues were - starting with the Grenfell Tower fire and the knock on effects of the Rattletrack Crossrail 2 project construction cutting a house price devastating swathe through their back gardens.
Local Labour MP and shadow minister for racist comments, Ms Emma Bent Toad, took time off from kicking the shit out of a homeless Syrian refugee camped in a vacant shop doorway to pass her opinion to media hacks that "Obviously the first thing that comes to mind is the fact this stinks of Nasty Party gentrification and a deliberate arson attack."
"Really, it's all bollocks – a Hotpoint fridge-freezer gets on fire in Mr Mohammed al Patsy's kitchen, and the next thing it's set alight to the outside of the entire tower block? Something isn't right cos if that was the cause of the blaze, then why aren't Hotpoint issuing fire hazard warnings and recalling the 60,000-plus model FF175BP fridge-freezers smouldering away in people's homes across Broken Britain?
Why, cos MI5 and the Met knew there was an ISIS Jolly Jihad terrorist cell camped in a 5th floor flat and had set up a TATP high explosive and nano-thermite incendiary bomb-making plant - and their 'product' was being stored in the freezer but the TATP went 'critical'- and ka-boom!"
The Kensington and Chelsea Tory Party campaign activists responsible for composing and distributing the controversial and offensive election opinion survey leaflet have come under a sustained social networking attack for the crass and insensitive questions that asked residents to rate the importance of the Grenfell Tower tragedy upon their social, moral conscience – on a scale of nought to ten.
Seen today wearing a face like a window cleaner's wash leather and looking to be well behind in her Botox treatments, Kensington and Chelsea Council's intellectually-challenged leader, Lizzy Campbell, declined to comment on the election campaigning survey leaflet's inappropriate content - apart from a murmured 'nowt to do with me'.
Campbell, a councillor marked with a shitty track record, who held a senior role in the build-up and aftermath to the Grenfell tragedy, is as popular with Kensington residents as chemotherapy and if the tea leaf reader predictions prove correct, might just be set to follow in the 'footsteps of leadership failure' tracks of her disgraced egg-head predecessor, Nick 'Bat Ears' Padlock-Brown
Really, can these moronic dog wankers ever do anything right? (not that New / Old Labour – under the Bliarite crew or Corbyn's Trotskyite gang – or Vince Cable's Librarian- Dummercrats are any better).
However, a sample of the completed and returned 'survey questionnaires' provide fair insight as to what the more upscale residents of the elitist Royal Borough of Kensington & Chelsea are thinking.
Mrs Beatrix Snobb, of Kensington's exclusive Twatford Gardens, rated the fire a #10 – relating that "My children thought it better than Guy Fawkes Night – and on a par with a trip to the funfair's House of Horrors – what with all those darkie and gyppo immigrant types jumping out of windows and running around covered in flames and screaming their heads off. Jolly good show, Kensington Council – you have our vote next year."
Conversely her Parvenue Terraces hedge fund manager neighbour, Fellatia Slagg, commented "My kids were disappointed overall. Okay, the blaze was spectacular, but typical of anything Kensington Council put their hand to, the accompanying fireworks display was a dud - and no hot dog stand or marshmallows."
'Fuckwit Close resident Mrs Candida Ratpunzle, editor of Vulgarian magazine, treated the Kensington Council questionnaire with an equally negative response: 'Really, lighting the fire after midnight when my kiddies were in bed and fast asleep. This latest work of gentrification arson would have been better organised if the silly council jobsworths had scheduled the blaze for a weekend - preferably on a Saturday night - when the children didn't need to get up for school the next morning.'
Thought for the day. Okay folks, a quickie survey – on a scale of 1 to 10 how do you rate the Tory Nasty Party? Hmmm, so it's anonymous then – a top score of sweet fuck all.
Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness.
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