UK Islamic Militant Snuffed in Pakistan

A fugitive British militant linked to an alleged UK plot to use liquid explosives for blowing up transatlantic airliners has been killed in Pakistan, according to an International Herald Shitraker report.

Pakistani authorities believe Rashid Rauf, originally from Smegmadale and a former journalist with the Rhubarb Grower’s Weekly, was snuffed in a US air strike at a midweek car boot sale in Birmingham-controlled Kashmir, a haven for Moslem pikeys and Al Qaeda. Unnamed Pakistani intelligence sources (Wahid bin Scrunt) said that a wanted Egyptian militant, Taliban Dan, the bomb-making man, was among the others killed.

US military intelligence (sic) operatives received a tip-off from Chinese agent provocateur Su Duko a few days ago that Rauf was seen making a deposit at a Kabul sperm bank and had been under constant surveillance since, up until his meeting with Taliban Dan at the Kashmir car boot.

Islamabad CIA station chief, Vito Incognito, explained to the media “In a country where every fucker’s called Mohammed or Fatima it’s very hard to find anyone, especially as they all have flat foreheads from banging them on the deck several times a day. So when we got the hum-int’ id tip on Rauf we tracked him day and night with one of our new ass-sniffer remote drones. When he met up with Taliban Dan we nailed both their asses in one hit.”

The US regularly uses remote predator drones to attack militant targets in the region, a tactic that has caused growing resentment among Pakistan's leaders.
On Thursday the government summoned the US ambassador in Islamabad to protest against a missile attack deep inside Pakistani territory that levelled a tinned dog factory in mistake for a nearby orphanage.

Rauf, a convicted goat molester, who was arrested in Pakistan in August 2006, had been on the run since escaping from a Karachi jail later that month by chewing through the high tensile cardboard cell door.

Three men allegedly involved with Rauf in the fictitious liquid bomb scare that paralysed global air travel, prompting authorities to implement stringent security measures at airports around the world, were convicted in the UK in September of loitering without due care and attention. They maintained throughout their trial that the literature linking them to the supposed plot, Bomb Making for Dummies, had been planted by MI6 agents.

Hundreds of flights were delayed at airports globally with massive disruption at major UK terminals and in the US, amid security service fears that militants were planning to mix hair conditioner and Colgate into a lethal volatile blend in the aircraft’s in-flight laboratory and detonate a thermonuclear toothpaste device.

Rauf, remembered by Smegmadale’s Rentaslum Refugee Estate residents as the type of bloke who thought wood grew on trees, left school with a GCSE O-level in Chemistry and a flair for radical political debate.
Harry Madeupname, editor of the Rhubarb Grower’s Weekly, recalled Rauf as being the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ and as much fun to work with as having chemotherapy. “Rashid were a reet nasty lookin’ cunt wiv a big long beard, very Jewish-like. Yer know the type. Always gobbin’ off about Zionists and the price of effin’ fish.”

However, Professor Ghengis McTwat of the Tavistock Institute confided to reporters that Rashid Rauf was actually a double agent and his targeting for elimination by the US military a grave mistake.

“In 2007 Rauf was awarded, in absentia, the Institute’s prestigious George Orwell Big Brother Award for his contribution to scare-mongering the British public into believing there actually is a pan-Islamic plot to undermine Western civilization.
Rauf’s actions proved it wasn’t all a series of sinister false flag operations staged by the CIA, MI6 and Mossad to implicate peace-loving Moslem types in terrorist attacks and justify our invading their countries.
Just look at how he’s helped support the drive for a New World Order and martial law state of governance in Europe and the US to keep we good Christian folk safe.”

“Rashid was ideal for our purposes. An O-level in chemistry too, bolstering the myth that Mohammed the Mad Atta, a big white rabbit and a doormouse, all members of the Afghan Cave Dwellers Club, had flown jetliners into the twin towers on 9/11. It was getting exceedingly difficult to sustain that myth until obliging old Rashid and his gang of bungling accomplices came along.”

Wahid al Ragshit, spokesman for the Muslim Anarchist Review, told the Al Jazeera news channel that Rashid Rauf was now in Paradise for his martyrdom, with his own harem of pretty sheep.
“Rashid wasn’t simply some unwashed brainless goat-bonker who enjoyed banging his forehead on the ground five times a day. He exercised his democratic right to blow up airliners, which is a fair expression considering the abysmal in-flight services most provide.”
“Who hasn’t at some time during a long flight looked at the pigswill on the folding table in front of them and the manners of the sluts serving it and had the urge to go lock themselves in the toilet, mix up a basin-full of chemicals and blow the plane out of the fucking sky.”