The biggest army base in the UK has officially opened after a £330 million makeover, with thousands of troops moving to the camp in North Smegmashire.
The previous civilian residents of the site, formerly the Smegmadale Asbo Sink Estate, were relocated to the DR Congo as part of an Oxfam food aid package.
Twatterick Garrison, now home to 13,002 civilian and military residents, has been nicknamed a "super barracks" after the previous MoD-appointed PFI military housing contractors, Rentaslum, were labelled by Conservative Shadow Defence Minister Miles Scrotum as being “as much use as tits on a bull” and duly fired.
The relocation of the 4th Smegmashire Mechanized Regiment (also known as the "Black Twats") and the christening of the new accommodation, were celebrated at a formal opening ceremony attended by the Royal Ranga, Prince Harry, who might possibly be serving in the regiment between pub crawls.
The Black Twats had previously been located in Tobolsk, Siberia, for 64 years since getting terribly lost in a blizzard during the 1944 Ardennes campaign.
Brigadier Julian Cheesebiscuit, commander of the Black Twats, described the regiment’s relocation to Smegmashire as a "blessed return to our spiritual home.”“It was only a month ago we discovered we were actually in Siberia and not Belgium, when one of our lads swapped a tin of corned yak for a DGPS satnav handset from a Mongolian rag and bone man. Really, it’s no wonder we never received any mail. Damn lucky the Russians never noticed us being there either, eh what.”
Labour’s Defence Minister responsible for military accommodation, (bivouacs, tents and lean-to's) Rt. Hon. Gilbert Pecker, informed the media “Our single soldiers have been thrilled to arrive back to these newly-completed en-suite apartments after decades of sleeping in snow-bound foxholes and slit trenches in Siberia. We've installed the Television X porn channel and a courtesy inflatable playmate in every bedroom for them too.”
Apart from 2,800 new en suite bedrooms equipped with hot and cold running Filippina chambermaids, the MoD is also building a physiotherapy centre, with full Rub and Tug facilities, to be staffed by exotic Thai ladyboys.
Defence Minister Pecker, an ex-woggle weaver who spent most of his formative years stuck in a traffic jam, told reporters "Nothing's too good for our fighting lads. They're all off for a spot of sun and fun in Iraq next week."
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