Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Food Poisoning Outbreak Downs School Staff and Students

Smegmadale Asbo Central College for the Intellectually-Challenged was tonight placed under a quarantine order as Department of Health inspectors, garbed in bio-hazard suits, took samples from the school’s kitchen and canteen to determine the cause of this afternoon’s outbreak of virulent food poisoning, which resulted in the deaths of a number of staff and pupils, with the remainder of diners being hospitalised.

After testing several samples from the kitchen and food storage areas, hygiene officials summoned a team of scientists from the government’s Porton Down Biological Warfare facility to assist with their investigation.

Prof. Digby Ratstamper, senior microbiologist from Porton Down, informed media reporters “I’ve never seen a kitchen so filthy that even the cockroaches came out spewing.”
He added that his team harboured serious reservations concerning hygiene and sanitation issues, not only with the quality and storage of the food stocks, but also with the reported lax cleanliness practices of the kitchen staff.
“I spoke to the deputy cook, a Ms. E. Coli, who told me she washes her hands religiously, once a week, whether they need it or not.”

The college’s chief cook, Ms. Sally Monella, told reporters jokingly “I ‘ope it weren’t me special recipe Turkish Delight Pasties, wot’s really last week’s left-over turkey twizzlers minced up an’ chillied then rolled in pastry. As me Mum used ter say ‘Waste not – want not.’ They’re a wee bit fiery an’ can give yer a spot of a tummy upset if yer not used ter spicy food, yer know.”
“I decided ter cook th’ Turkish Delights as I were a bit late gettin’ to th’ college after me night shift at th’ sewerage works an’ ‘ad ter do a runner ter get ‘ere in time ter cook the kids’ dinners.”
“Anyway, I ’ad called me second cook, Ethel Coli, on me cell phone an’ she’d got th’ chillied twizzler mix well on th’ way by th’ time I got there.”

When questioned by astounded reporters about her night job at the sewerage works, Ms. Monella replied she was the senior turd sorter, NVQ level 4.

Department of Health spokesquack, Dr. Hector McCrud told the media “I believe things are a lot more serious than what Ms. Monella terms ‘a spot of a tummy upset.’
With teaching staff and students vomiting blood and crapping out several yards of lower intestine, plus twenty-three now chilling in the hospital mortuary so far, then I personally would classify the incident as a major disaster.”

“After my initial walk-through inspection, with the sound of deceased vermin crunching under my boots, I judged the kitchen to be as hygienic as a Punjabi public lavatory.
I mean, I’m all for equal employment opportunities, but there’s a few far-reaching implications in the college hiring a leper as the kitchen’s commi chef and dishwasher, even if he is the Headmistress’ brother-in-law.”

However, Headmistress Mildred Mingerot took umbrage at Dr. McCrud’s insinuations concerning her relative’s employment.
“Our William’s just fine, it’s not as though he has bits of rotting flesh falling off into the meals, is it. Dr. McCrud ought to display a mite more Christian charity to those so afflicted. How would he like to attend a job centre every other week with a cow bell round his neck, clanging away, and having to shout Unclean!”

Lindsey Chavette, currently studying for an A-level GCSE in Slapperology, spoke to the Undertakers’ Review on her cellphone from the hospital toilets.
“Yeah, I’m sat ‘ere on the crapper like, spewin’ me fuckin’ ring up into a bucket and pebble-dashin’ the porcelain with me arse. Yer want me to take a piccie of me rosebud for yer with me cell-cam?”

Chirpy third year students Campy Lobacter and Georgina Grunge, hanging around the campus gates smoking a bifta, told reporters “We’re all right cos we never eat the shit old Pigswill Sally an’ the other tosspots cooks up in the college canteen, an’ definitely not when yer got old Botulism Billy ringin’ ‘is bell an’ festerin’ all over the effin’ place.
We goes down the local fast food joint fer cow ‘eel pie an’ chips. Yer never gets sick there.”

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