No-one Murdered at Jersey Childrens’ Home

Detectives investigating alleged cases of historical child abuse at a former children's home in Jersey have now publicly stated no children were murdered there, regardless of masses of burned, crushed bones and milk teeth being discovered buried and concealed in the cellars, which they claim are of animal origin and hundreds of years old.

Following the initial find, which prompted the investigation, scores of people came forward claiming to have been abused at the home between the early 1960s and 1986, and having knowledge of their predecessor’s similar sufferings prior to their own traumatic experiences.

Detective Superintendent Arthur de Le Couverr’up, briefing the media on the case, which he took over this year, explained that the four underground chambers excavated by police, where shackles and chains, a large bloodstained bath, children's teeth and hundreds of shattered bone fragments were discovered, were actually juvenile fantasy theme playrooms.
It was here they revelled in adolescent fun games such as Dungeons and Dragons, Spanish Inquisition Quiztime, Truth, Dare, Kiss or Kill and Impalers Delight.
Questioned by reporters on the initial discovery of fragments of a child’s skull in February, DS de Le Couverr’up explained a detailed forensic examination by the British Museum revealed it to be part of a Victorian coconut shell, complete with eye sockets and a jawbone.

However over a hundred surviving victims of the Haut de la Garenne home claim the four cellars were actually ‘punishment rooms’ and ‘torture chambers’ where they were ritually abused during sadistic sex orgies by a Masonic paedophile cult, comprised of Jersey’s ruling elite, while they were reluctant residents at the home between the early 1960’s and 1986.

In an interview with the Orphan Molester’s Weekly the victims unanimously opined that the investigation and evidence were being suppressed and the entire case doomed for dismissal due the prevailing desire on the part of the Jersey elites to sweep scandal and abuse under the carpet to preserve their reputations and evade the righteous, smiting hand of Justice.

“It’s got the evil Masonic seal of secrecy stamped all over it,” Ms. Sally McScally told the press. “It’s a bleedin’ conspiracy by them wot’s in charge to suppress and conceal embarrassin’ an’ scandalous information wot’s gonna get ‘em all in deep shit.”

Ms. McScally further cited the progressive newsworthy story of the North of England Smegmadale ‘cold case’ police unit currently studying DNA samples from the microscopic fingernail scrapings of a teenage girl attacked and murdered there in the 1960’s, to identify the victim’s killer.

“Yeah, those coppers in Smegmadale reckon they can find the bloke wot done that girl in, from just a tinsy bit of effin’ skin under ‘er fingernails when she scratched the twat, an’ our Jersey Keystone Cops sez they can’t get a DNA sample from a blood-splattered bathtub to find out if the blood’s animal, vegetable or mineral. Wot a load of old bollocks.”

Timeline: Haut de la Garenne aka The Rabbit Warren.

22 June 1867: Sir Godfrey de Torquemada, great-great-grandfather of current police investigation boss DS Arthur de Le Couverr’up, founds the Jersey Industrial School which opens it doors for ‘young people of the lower classes of society and neglected children’. However, admittance was further limited to children who only farted in the upper soprano range.

1900: Bishop Desmond de Le Couverr’up, Prelate of St. Sodom’s Church of Latter Day Pederasts, changes the institution’s name to the Jersey Home for Naughty Kiddies. The children faced daily buggerings and a former resident, the late Wilfred Fistula, remembered a boy's fingers being crushed with a four pound coal hammer after he grabbed his molester by the nuts.

1960: Sir Dinsdale de Le Couverr’up, the Margrave of Jersey, changes the home’s name to Haut de la Garenne. (Garenne means rabbit warren in French)
When it first opened its doors no child who had appeared before a magistrate was allowed a place at Haut de la Garenne. That changed with the popular belief that prison was the wrong place for troublesome youngsters and they ought to be tortured into becoming useful members of society or euthenised.

1981: A UK report says the home was "uneconomical" and should either be closed or modified, not because of any criticism of the way the home was run, but because the number of resident children was declining rapidly due the rate they were being murdered.
The building, which housed up to 60 children, only had about 30-40 living there with about 15 residential staff and two part-time grave diggers.

1986: Haut de la Garenne closes. The island’s Education Secretary, Winifred Whitewash, stated it would find fresh employment for staff at Iraq’s popular Abu Ghraib Holiday Resort, with the remaining children being sold for medical experiments and vivisection.

2004: A £2.25m refurbishment transforms the two-storey Victorian building into Jersey's first youth hostel, with 100 beds and several state-of-the-art torture chambers, including hot and cold water boarding facilities.

2006: Jersey Police begin a covert investigation into abuse of children at Haute de la Garenne following allegations by former residents and medical evidence of ruptured sphincters.

January 2007: Vincent Snitch, a 1960’s Haut de la Garenne inmate, files a class action suit against the home’s former staff, stating at the time “I still ‘as nightmares about bein’ buggered to death by some slobberin’ old wrinklie wiv a French-soundin’ name and lotsa effin' brass.”

5 August 2008: Klaus Claude Mengele, 106, a former Nazi SS Gruppenfuhrer, is charged with 16 counts of indecent assault relating to alleged offences against four girls and one boy in the 1970's at Haut de la Garenne, where he was the home’s Welfare Officer.

14 September 2008: The Very Rev. Charles de Le Couverr’up, Haut de la Garenne’s former scoutmaster / Opus Dei chaplain and a registered sex offender, is charged with carrying out unauthorised sphincter inspections of the home’s juvenile residents during the 1960’s.