Met’ Chief ‘s £400,000 Pay-Off for Reign of Incompetence

A reported £400,000 golden handshake pay-off to outgoing Metropolitan Police Commissioner Ian Blair has been branded a ‘disgrace’, with the media speculating it may well be ‘silence money’ to dissuade Blair from writing his ‘memoirs’ and revealing the true reasons, purposes and participants behind the July 2005 London Tube bombings; plus covering up a host of further official government indiscretions that might well be classified as murders and crimes against humanity.

Des Snotgobbler, publisher of the Smegmadale Terrorist Weekly Review, told Sky News “They’s givin’ ‘im a big bung to keep ‘is effin’ trap shut, isn’t they. If ‘e starts gobbin’ off about the effin’ Mossad an’ MI6 doin’ the tube bombin’s an’ blowin’ the top off that fuckin’ double decker bus wot was on the wrong route, then the shit’s gonna ‘it the effin’ fan, init eh.”
“Yeah, we reckon old Blair knew they woz no suicide bombers on the tube an’ the bombs woz underneath the carriages, so that’s why they shot the Brazilian like. A deliberate balls-up to take the heat off the spooks an’ shit cos the public’s too fuckin’ stupid to think about two things at once, isn’t they, eh.”
“See ‘ow they forgot about MI6 knockin’ off David Kelly as soon as the X-factor an’ Big Brother came back on the box. Old Blair covered that one up too, ‘im an’ ‘is cousin, that dick’ead Tony wot woz Prime Minister.”

However, Home Office spokesprick Sir Rigby Ffinch-Twatton, interviewed by Sky News later, claimed Mr. Snotgobbler’s speculations were sheer paranoid conspiracy theory rubbish.
“The proposed sum of £400,000 is what Sir Ian would have been paid had he stayed in the post to the end of his contract in February 2010. Clean and simple.”
When questioned why Blair qualified for payment up to the end of his contract after he had resigned, Sir Rigby replied “Ah, that’s how we do business at this level of government. Old boy network, same clubs, Masonic obligations and all that old guff.”

Sir Ian Blair resigned last month in a fit of pique after London Mayor Boris Knox-Johnson, applying his usual yeast logic approach to a problem, crossed Blair’s name off the official Christmas card list and told the media “Sir Ian’s passed his sell-by date. Shelf life’s expired. We need a new top cop.”

However Tree Hugger Party Assembly Member and Olympic duck-chucker Glynnis McSlag was highly critical of the entire fiasco : "By paying off Sir Ian Blair our twerp of a mayor has left Londoners paying for two police commissioners but only getting the services of one.”
"If that stupid twat Boris had consulted other parts of London government about crossing Sir Ian off the Christmas card list, we probably wouldn't be in this situation. For fuck’s sake, you can buy a lot of Xmas cards for £400,000."

Liberal Democrat London Assembly member and Harley Street STD consultant Dr. Virginia Thrush, also a member of the Metropolitan Police Authority (MPA), said: "I can see no reason whatsoever to pay off somebody who has resigned. In this economic climate, where one can barely afford to run one’s Chelsea Taxi and take three holidays a year, it is frankly a disgrace that this is even being considered."

Home Secretary Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith will make the final decision on who will become the new commissioner after recommendations by the MPA and Mayoral twit Boris Johnson have been duly ignored. The appointment is expected to be announced before Hell freezes over again.

Timeline of Sir Ian Blair’s woes :

Widely believed he only got the job as he was Labour PM Tony Blair’s second cousin eight times removed and belonged to the same Masonic Lodge as Lord Mandelson.

Never attempted to solve the false flag 7/7 tube ‘suicide’ bombings, but conveniently hung the blame on a group of Moslem smoke and mirrors imaginary Pakistani patsies.

On Blair’s watch, Brazilian electrician Jean Charles de Menezes was shot dead on 22 July, 2005, by police gumbies who mistook him for one of four would-be suicide bombers who reportedly attacked London's transport system the previous day.

A subsequent inquiry found the entire Metropolitan Police force to be short of its required ration of common sense and guilty of breaching health and safety laws by shooting an electrician, which were already in very short supply to start with. Anyone else guilty of firing a clip of bullets into an innocent man’s head would have been charged with Murder.

The board of inquiry further recommended that Met’ officers should not play with loaded guns until they had undertaken a simple NVQ1 course in Anthropology so they might clearly differentiate between Middle Eastern Arab / Subcontinent types and South American Brazilians. The established credo of “If they’re not white, then they’re the enemy and all look the same anyway” would no longer suffice as official police policy.

Sir Ian was further accused of using police funds to pay for a PR / personal image consultant, Freddy Blair of Impact Plus, to help him to look less of a cunt than he already was. On reflection, that project was obviously a total failure.

Blair’s Met’ office sanctioned the wrongful arrest and extradition to Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp of Guido Mozarella, Italian inventor of alphabet pasta and a lay Bishop of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, on his arrival at Heathrow in 2004, after he was mistaken for Saddam Hussein’s personal trouser presser, Ramadan Dan al Bidet.

The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) told Blair and his bungling Met’ officers to apologise to the two Moslem families involved in the "terrifying experience" of the Forest Gate (read Forrest Gump) anti-terrorism raid in east London in June 2006.
One man was shot for being in bed, and another poked in the eye for loitering without due care and attention, but neither was charged. Police officers involved stated they had no choice but to act as they did based on the available intelligence between their collective ears at the time (read zero).

Ladbrokes bookies are touting fair odds on the next head of the Metropolitan Bunglers being Sir Huge Johnson, a distant cousin of tatty-thatched incumbent London Mayor Boris Johnson and a grand-nephew of pioneer flying ace Amy Johnson. 12 to 1 odds were given on him not being related to Robin Knox-Johnson, the first man to complete a non-stop circumcision of the globe single-handedly with a twenty-five foot cutter.
Other prominent odds-on candidates for the top job are Hopeless Hulk Hogan-Howe, currently Chief Constable of Merseyside’s Scouse-Plods-R-Us Inc. (SA), and Mad Mike N’dinga Fuller, head of Kent’s Bumblebee Bobbies, and England's first chief constable to sport a year-round sun tan.