Skewed News Roundup

Bermondsey stabbing: Man killed at illegal rave.

Que? WTF? Once upon a time – and not that fucking long ago – the proviso for an open invite to a party was simply 'bring a bottle'. When did it morph into 'bring a knife'?

A man has been stabbed to death at an illegal rave - close to Millwall FC's south Bermondsey ground - after voicing complaint the performing rapper artist was 'shite'.

The Met Plod Squad found the victim at an unlicensed music event in an industrial unit just before midnight on Saturday.

A 16-year-old male was also found at the scene with head injuries and arrested in connection with the rave.

The teen was taken to a hospital with 'a condition' (pissed drunk n stoned) not believed to be life-threatening.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-57628294

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Classified MoD documents containing details of the Royal Navy's HMS Defenceless type 45 destroyer - along with top secret British military operations and plans - have been found at a bus stop in Kent.

The papers discuss likely Russian reactions to the ship's passage through Ukrainian waters of the Black Sea, off the Crimea coast, last Wednesday – and detailed plans for a possible UK military presence in Afghanistan to guard and oversee the safe harvest of opium crops once the US-led CIA / NATO drug-running operation is terminated and the Taliban assume control again.

The document bundle, in excess of 50 pages, and acquired as a cosy nest by hedgehogs, were discovered behind a bus stop in Kent (I-Spy dead letter box?) on Tuesday morning by a Russian holidaymaker (who wishes to remain anonymous) waiting for his coach ride with Novichok Tours for a scheduled  trip to Salisbury.

Investigating MI5 officers believe the documents – composed of maps, emails and Microslop PowerPoint presentations, are from the office of a senior official at the MoD – specifically Minister of Defence, 'Bumbling Ben' Wallace.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-57624942

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Shitehall Offices Bugged with CCTV Cams

In the wake of the Tory Nasty Party's Ill-Health Secretary, Matt Wancock, being caught on camera, engaging in carnal foreplay with his 'bit on the side' assistant Gina Coladangelo – in the supposed private confines of his ministerial office - the Freemasonic ranks of Whitehall's sodomite-ridden Civil Service are currently shitting kittens that they too might have been snapped in similar lascivious circumstances – while playing the beast with two backs / buggering the resident office catamite / tea boy.

Post-event, with arch-twat Wancock being hoist on his own hypocrisy-tipped petard, the DoH is planning to investigate how CCTV footage from the Minister's private office - of him breaking Covid social distancing rules - by bonking his taxpayer-funded assistant during working hours - was leaked by some low life disgruntled Shitehall whistle-blower to the gutter press Daily Shitraker tabloid – who apparently was of an opinion the CCTV video footage 'deserved a wider, 'public' viewing audience.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-57628523

Stop Press Latest: Wancock Resigns

The word on the street (Downing) claims BoJo whispered to his personal ninja problem-solver CIT (Critical Incident Team) "Who will rid me of this troublesome Ill-Health Secretary?" And voila - Wancock sort of 'falls' on own sword and resigns – not quite the Saturday evening spectacular self-immolation act of ritual seppuku we'd all been hoping for – but at least the useless, procrastinating twat has gone.

Though pathetic displays of crocodile tears for the media cameras besides, doubtless the Ill-Health Ministry will be manned by some equally untrustworthy Tory cunt – and the fake Covid-1984 scamdemic propaganda continue to be pumped out by Food Bank Britain's egregious, subservient media - faster than shit through a goose.

But while this class act 'fucking hopeless' onanist Wancock might be gone, all is not done with yet - and personal apologies to the Crime Minister for wrong-doing simply ain't gonna cut it – for the minor office groping scandal gathers a 'conflict of interest' variety of moss as it rolls downhill at a geometric rate – with revelations of institutional graft and corruption surfacing - and the stench of nepotistic 'chumocracy' embroiling Wancock and Gina Coladangelo – and her acne-ridden younger brother, Roberto – (a former Paddy Power bookie's runner) who set up an 'arse of yer pants' outsourcing firm - Partnering Health Ltd -  based out of his back garden shed – and fortuitously, like a bolt from the blue, awarded a £28 million quid government-funded Covid-1984 virus-related contract - to run the non-emergency NHS 111phone lines for the South Central Ambulance Service NHS Trust.

Yep, Matt the Twat Wancock might have copped for a Chinese burn and had his arm twisted by the Whips and back-benchers until he did the right thing and resigned – yet here manifests our collective 'crisis of faith' in elected government - we are of one mind that it's a pity the rest of the Tory Nasty Party cabinet don't do the same – and take the bog standard Crime Minister, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, with them - and the opposition (sic) New / Old Labour war mongers party - and the utterly delusional, useless Lib-Dums - and the global warming (Brrrr!) climate change fixated Greenies - and any other fucker n their dog squatting in the House of Conmans - and the Upper House of Frauds dosspit chamber - and the computer modelling 'cry havoc' Covid alarmist SAGE shits. 

Okay, the common herd public are daft - believing we had elected a representative government of iron will - to oust that EUSSR Remainiac stooge, Treason Mayhem, and get Brexit finally done n dusted with - yet ended up with a bunch of clowns - and a circus without a tent.

Sarcastic humour besides, when it comes down to the establishment Them and little 'us' – the common herd sheeple (as we are collectively regarded by the elite) then the two rule factor applies – as so perfectly illustrated this past week by the bloviating Tory Nasty Party MP for manky Maldon, none other than the vacuous John Shittingdale, who inadvertently provided a stellar insight into the hypocrisy of this loopy lockdown when he publicly opined that, in his unqualified arrogance, quote: "people like me, who are important, shouldn’t have to follow the same Covid-19 quarantine rules as the rest of the population."

Hmmm, for the public record the inbred Shittingdale - (former Minister for Lap Dancing in Treason May's cabinet) – is the half-brother of arch shit weasel Charles Napier, former treasurer of the now-thankfully defunct (read 'gone underground') - kiddie fiddler-friendly Paedophile Information Exchange – an unwholesome perverted who was convicted of child sexual abuse offences in November 2014.

PM Johnson Okays Whitehall Office Sex

The gospel according to the Worstminster grapevine, Tory Nasty Party PM, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, has made an imprudent decision to stand by Ill-Health Secretary Matt Wancock after a series of scandalous I-Spy pix of him bonking his 'up close and personal' DHSC aide - married mother of three Gina Coladangelo-Tress – are plastered across the Page Three 'Sluts Section' of the Daily Shitraker.

Yep, obviously the hapless British public now unanimously agree with Bonkers BoJo's previously stated opinion (as snitched up to the press by ex-aide, and back-stabbing grasser, Dominoes Cummings) – that Matt the Twat is 'fucking hopeless' – and it's about time the incompetent 'Mutant Strain Matt' was exiled to the back benches – or more fitting still – put on the Liverpool Euthanasia Pathway short list - for termination with extreme prejudice.

There again, what kind of an example does the Crime Minister set – as Bonkers BoJo sports a notorious inability to keep his own cuckolding cock out of other women's pants – and is no stranger to being slapped with the 'adulterer' brand.

Conversely, BoJo's official non-binary spokesperson informed gutter press hacks the Crime Minister has accepted Wancock's apology after he was secretly snapped groping up his bit on the side 'office shag' - and considered the matter 'closed' – (like Wancock's office curtains should have been) – as long as Mrs Coladangelo-Tress' legs remain the same way - 'closed' - during office hours, at least.

The Downing Street official spokes-thing refused to answer further questions on whether Wancock had broken any Covid-1984 laws and pointed to the Ill-Health Secretary's original pubic (sic) announcement (read 'pathetic denial excuse') in which he stated he was trying to provide Ms Coladangelo with a 'deeper understanding' of the mechanics of government - later back-tracking on his earlier lies and admitted breaking social distancing regulations by engaging in a passion-induced spur of the moment 'knee trembler' with Mrs Coladangelo-Tress in his DHSC Shitehall office - albeit they both wore face muzzles during the frenzied carnal 'ass-twerking' encounter.

Now, here's the clincher that Bonkers Boris and his cabinet of corrupt batshit cohorts are missing - and too all other Marxist 'Great Reset' orientated uncivil servant science boffin n anorak types: Paddy Unbalanced, Chris Shitty, John-Boy 'Funny Guy' Van Tam and the cringeworthy Jenny Harries foremost - dictating all manner of lockdown, social distancing, face muzzle wearing, hand washing and stay home rules n regulations - the 'hands, face, space' mantra - while the likes of Imperial College's Professor Lockdown, Neil 'Fuckups' Ferguson and this clot of an Ill-Health Minister, Wancock - believe there's one rule for the common herd sheeple and another 'aexemption' rule for them - as both have been caught, in fragrant delicto, bonking some other bloke's wife - in breach of social distancing mandates - and the societal moral ethics reviling acts of adultery. 

And have either of their cuckolding twats been rightly disciplined for their Covid regulations breach hypocrisy or immoral and adulterous transgressions? Castigated in true Biblical fashion perhaps - and stoned, along with their loose moral slapper playmates. Some fucking chance - flexi-rules for the elitist scumsters and writ in stone rules for the proles.  

Little wonder the common herd are restive and pissed off with this entire Covid-1984 scamdemic pantomime - with the loopy lockdown June 21st Freedom Day postponed for a month - and probably be extended until fuck knows when. 

Just wait: "Autumn n Winter closing in - and this new 'Outa Thin Air' variant is more transmissible than both the Indian Delta variant and the Scotch Mist variant - so best keep the lockdowns in place til Spring 2022."

Sabbatean Deep State Chess Set: The Pawns

 

Public: Strict Covid-1984 social distancing for news media piccy

Private: All mouth breathing morons sans face muzzles n couldn't give 

a flying fuck viz social distancing for up close n personal boozy session 

n watch RAF Shitehawk Squadron fighter jets spray Cornwall's pristine 

blue sky with climate-unfriendly toxic smoke trails.

Go get 'em, Greta

Moggy I/D Cards to be Law

Micro-chipping pet moggies - and equipping the furry fuckers with digital identity collars - is set to become a mandatory practice under the wide-ranging new cross-species animal welfare plan – the latest utterly ridiculous piece of totalitarian control freak legislation to be foisted on Food Bank Britain's apathetic voting public by Bonkers Boris Nonsense' Tory Nasty Party political machine.

This is a legislative measure petitioned and lobbied by the 'Cat Lives Matter' grotty Granny activist group led by the pro-Moggyite, 94-year old Gladys Tonker - the draft copy of which initially included the long-sought ban by feminist groups on referring to female, and non-binary, canines as 'bitches'.

Wholeheartedly promoted by incumbent Environment Secretary – (the ex-UKIP Shadow Secretary for Apple Picking Affairs), Georgie 'Hunchback' Useless – he explained to Andrew 'Bat Ears' Marr on the BBC's Daft Ideas programme that the policy would be monitored by a newly-formed team of para-military Cat Squad enforcers composed of butch dyke Grandmas.

Conversely, following the interview, Minister Useless refused to answer a stream of questions from gutter press hacks. Was this tracking chip project simply going to morph into another government revenue-generating scam – and as he was rumoured to have dodgy links to the founder of the Cats Lives Matter group - was he willing to be micro-chipped himself?

Under the existing law, dog owners can be fined what banksters refer to as 'lots and lots of money' for not having their canine companion licensed, chipped and in possession of a current 'chip' certificate, signed by two vets and a magistrate.

Doris Croaker, exec' director of the pro-Zionist Inhumane Society – (just prior to her venom-induced death – inflicted while attempting to microchip a pet Mamba) - informed reporters that the Tory administration recognising animal sentience – and the fact that 'cats lives do matter' – as much so as dogs – was the biggest win for sentient being welfare since the 2012 United Nations recognition of the captive, marginalised State of Palestine - by 138 members (excluding the rogue state of Israel and the US of A) – with 'observer status'.

Jacqui Snott, head of the Furry Felchers Animal Sanctuary, opined that compulsory micro-chipping of all pets – cats and otherwise - could help the money-grubbing RSPCA bureaucrats trace and prosecute the people who flush goldfish down the crapper - and toss litters of unwanted kittens into canals.

Minister Useless further explained that he intended to form an expert animal sentience committee, composed of reformed felchers, which would advise on policy regarding the chipping of anal orifice-sized mammals: hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, dwarf rabbits and ferrets.

When questioned if the legislation would affect hunting, fishing or road-building projects which might disturb protected badger - or stoat – or homeless person - habitats, Useless replied that the current recognition of animal sentience was focused on pets and livestock more so than creatures falling into the Linnean taxonomy index of 'wildlife and vermin'.

There again, on the 'bright side' (sic) - additional legislation, to restrict the unmonitored and delinquent use of 'the Insta-Stick' and 'Gotcha!' brands of glue traps - designed to capture rats, mice and mooching unemployed types - would also be supported by the Tory government.

It will further enshrine in law that animals, in fact all vertebrates - (just like homeless persons and foxes) - have the capacity to feel hunger and pain, and become acutely aware they are pariahs of society and thus exposed to having extinction level event sanctions placed on their very mortal existence.

However, the stench of gross hypocrisy may be in the air, for back in 2020 the House of Conmans voted down an Upper House of Frauds amendment to block imports from the EUSSR – and other countries –- that didn't meet Food Bank Britain's welfare and food safety standards - specifically the Great Satan US of A - where beef stocks are routinely shot full of hormones - and chickens pressure washed with chlorine to remove the smell of shit.

Skewed News Roundup

Well, the May 17th Covid-1984 crisis regulations easing date fast approaches, and even the official lying scumsters, Chris Shitty, Neil 'Wrong Again' Ferguson, and Sir Paddy Unbalanced, are failing miserably to conjure up some even more fatal 'variant' of this coronavirus and convince Bonkers Boris to extend the loopy lockdown until Christmas – cos the Boris Beast has let slip he couldn't give a flying fuck if there's a zillion dead Covid casualties littering the streets of our once sceptred isle – as he ain't ordering another lockdown.

Cabinet Office Minister Michael 'Pob' Gove, asked by one press hack whether a ban on hugging people would be lifted, replied that "friendly contact" was something the government wanted to see – with Sir Buffy Brown-Hatter, Tory MP for the Old Fudgers constituency adding "and that includes secret Masonic handshakes, an intimate 'happy ending' at one's local Rub n Tug massage parlour - or a big cuddle for Granny in her HMP standard care home – or muff diving on the MILF next door without a condom on your tongue – or the resident Worstminster civil service sodomite clique playing the beast with two backs."

And when it comes down to up close n personal hugs and cuddles, Prince Michael of Kunt – the 98-year old cousin of QE2 and 127th in line to the throne - (and yet another big-eared Guelph inbred mutant throwback) – is once again in the shit as Food Bank Britain's nasty gutter press tabloids focus on exposing his corruption-ridden scams and current 'harlot for hire' status as the official 'patron' of the Russo-British Chamber of Commerce – along with his board member directorship of the Shylock Bank of International Usury – and always ready to abuse his royal position for personal profit – offering insider access to the Kremlin and a guaranteed kiss on either cheek – plus a big hug – from none other than Russian President Vladimir Putrid.

So, any venturous business carpet bagger wanting to cash in on a slice of the ex-Soviet state's remaining mega-earning potential assets that the exiled oligarchs didn't gobble up for kopecks on the rouble while Yeltsin was in one of his 'happy' (pissed as a rat) moods – (Wankprom Oil, Gulag Gaz, Russtheft Energy) - then give Prince Michael a bell and for a mere £50,000 'starter fee' (cash in hand – and up front) he'll arrange a 'working lunch' with Vlad and his trusted team of Edomite Mafia 'financial advisors' from Tel Aviv's prestigious Wilkins Micawber Institute of Economics.

The official word from Fuckingham Palace is one of disassociation, as Prince Michael is a non-working royal – and, as far as HRH is concerned, the money-grubbing twat might consider concealing his influence peddling scams with a little more discretion.

Meanwhile, in the wake of last week's local council elections, Labour's Woke insiders claim the party copped a catastrophic 'no confidence' result due the fact it has a credibility gap.

No shit Sherlock, and why are they surprised, after years of having that lying closet case cunt of a war criminal, Anthony 'Charles Lynton' Bliar, as Leader – followed on by the equally repulsive paedo dog wanker Gordon 'Cyclops' Broon  - and with the treacherous scumbag likes of Alistair Campbell and Lord Scandalson of the Felchers as top cabinet office advisors.

Plus voters don't know WTF the party is named today –New Labour / Old Labour – or Labour with a Cherry on the Top – or simply the 'Infighting Party'.

The new 'pick n mix' reshuffled shadow cabinet gathered in an 'ideas kick-around' coven today in the dark cellars of the House of Conmans after a tumultuous weekend for the party in the wake of crap election results – with the IQ-deficient land whale toady, Dianne Abbopottamus – MP for Hackney's Skidrow Hamlets – demoted to the post of shadow Minister for Stupid Suggestions after proposing they merge Labour with the equally ill-led and accursed Lib-Dums Losers Party.

OMG! Self-Driving Cars for UK Roads?

Self-driving cars enabling drivers to take their eyes off the road - and their hands off the wheel - will be permitted on UK motorways later this year.

The DfT's 'Total Idiocy Unit' announced it will allow hands-free driving in vehicles with lane-keeping technology on motorways with slow traffic - at speeds of up to 37mph. 

Que? Motorway travel at 37mph? Might as well be parked up in one of the DfT's few n far between 'refuge areas' – and wait on the AA to come n tow you to your destination.

Really , why the fuck would anyone, driving down a motorway - at a legal 70mph - even want to take 'both hands' off the wheel?

Send a text, more than likely – or post some ridiculous 'hands-free' selfie shite on social-media.

Yep, just when you foolishly concluded that the ultimate in un-safety on UK roads was the 'women drivers' factor - then came along the EUSSR's Turkish truckies taking a nap while hurtling down the M4 in the middle lane at close on the speed of sound - then the advent of disaster just looking for somewhere to happen - 'Smart Motorways' – rears its ugly – (and deadly) –head.

Now, just when you though stupidity had reached a point of singularity, to cap it all, self-driving cars have been given the go-ahead by the Tory Nasty Party government's Ministry for Gross Incompetence.

Mind you - self-drive cars might just prove a safer option viz women drivers n Turkish truckies.

https://metro.co.uk/2021/04/28/self-driving-cars-will-be-allowed-on-uk-motorways-later-this-year-14484547/?ico=related-posts

There again, we have super-tosspot Elon Muskrat and his Tesla self-drives. What a dog wanker – on a par with Microslop's Eugenics Bill n his Gates of Hell Foundation GMO mass genocide Covid-1984 vaccine scam.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-44300952

Elon Muskrat's Tesla - on 'ALKS auto-pilot' (automated lane keeping system) hits police car. Did it hit a lamp post or a tree? No. The next worse thing – hit a pig truck – with the pigs in it.

 

This entire self drive fiasco – conjoined with Food Bank Britain's 'not-so-smart' motorways - beats Harold Lloyd's 1920's hilarious B n W movie – Safety Last.

WTF will the psycho anoraks n beardie weirdos think up next – an updated version of the 9/11 self-flying passenger planes?