Micro-chipping pet moggies - and equipping the furry fuckers with digital identity collars - is set to become a mandatory practice under the wide-ranging new cross-species animal welfare plan – the latest utterly ridiculous piece of totalitarian control freak legislation to be foisted on Food Bank Britain's apathetic voting public by Bonkers Boris Nonsense' Tory Nasty Party political machine.
This is a legislative measure petitioned and lobbied by the 'Cat Lives Matter' grotty Granny activist group led by the pro-Moggyite, 94-year old Gladys Tonker - the draft copy of which initially included the long-sought ban by feminist groups on referring to female, and non-binary, canines as 'bitches'.
Wholeheartedly promoted by incumbent Environment Secretary – (the ex-UKIP Shadow Secretary for Apple Picking Affairs), Georgie 'Hunchback' Useless – he explained to Andrew 'Bat Ears' Marr on the BBC's Daft Ideas programme that the policy would be monitored by a newly-formed team of para-military Cat Squad enforcers composed of butch dyke Grandmas.
Conversely, following the interview, Minister Useless refused to answer a stream of questions from gutter press hacks. Was this tracking chip project simply going to morph into another government revenue-generating scam – and as he was rumoured to have dodgy links to the founder of the Cats Lives Matter group - was he willing to be micro-chipped himself?
Under the existing law, dog owners can be fined what banksters refer to as 'lots and lots of money' for not having their canine companion licensed, chipped and in possession of a current 'chip' certificate, signed by two vets and a magistrate.
Doris Croaker, exec' director of the pro-Zionist Inhumane Society – (just prior to her venom-induced death – inflicted while attempting to microchip a pet Mamba) - informed reporters that the Tory administration recognising animal sentience – and the fact that 'cats lives do matter' – as much so as dogs – was the biggest win for sentient being welfare since the 2012 United Nations recognition of the captive, marginalised State of Palestine - by 138 members (excluding the rogue state of Israel and the US of A) – with 'observer status'.
Jacqui Snott, head of the Furry Felchers Animal Sanctuary, opined that compulsory micro-chipping of all pets – cats and otherwise - could help the money-grubbing RSPCA bureaucrats trace and prosecute the people who flush goldfish down the crapper - and toss litters of unwanted kittens into canals.
Minister Useless further explained that he intended to form an expert animal sentience committee, composed of reformed felchers, which would advise on policy regarding the chipping of anal orifice-sized mammals: hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, dwarf rabbits and ferrets.
When questioned if the legislation would affect hunting, fishing or road-building projects which might disturb protected badger - or stoat – or homeless person - habitats, Useless replied that the current recognition of animal sentience was focused on pets and livestock more so than creatures falling into the Linnean taxonomy index of 'wildlife and vermin'.
There again, on the 'bright side' (sic) - additional legislation, to restrict the unmonitored and delinquent use of 'the Insta-Stick' and 'Gotcha!' brands of glue traps - designed to capture rats, mice and mooching unemployed types - would also be supported by the Tory government.
It will further enshrine in law that animals, in fact all vertebrates - (just like homeless persons and foxes) - have the capacity to feel hunger and pain, and become acutely aware they are pariahs of society and thus exposed to having extinction level event sanctions placed on their very mortal existence.
However, the stench of gross hypocrisy may be in the air, for back in 2020 the House of Conmans voted down an Upper House of Frauds amendment to block imports from the EUSSR – and other countries –- that didn't meet Food Bank Britain's welfare and food safety standards - specifically the Great Satan US of A - where beef stocks are routinely shot full of hormones - and chickens pressure washed with chlorine to remove the smell of shit.
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