The Tory Nasty Party’s Defence Minister, Ben ‘Lobsided’ Wallace, supported by his ever-present advisor, Gromit, has responded to trade union suggestions that our once-sceptred isle’s coastal borders are less secure in the hands of the British Army rather than the designated ‘Border Force’ as being ‘a load of bollocks’ – and ‘utter propaganda’.
Wallace and Gromit today made a tour of England’s South Coast beaches to witness the job soldiers were doing - in the place of Border Force workers who have pulled a ‘Don’t give a flying fuck’ strike, leaving Britain’s national borders open to be breached by Biblical hordes of unwashed illegal economic migrants sneaking into Food Bank Britain on a mooching mission.
Rejecting claims that Broken Britain’s coastal borders are less secure when they're manned by squaddies, Wallace further stated, for the public record, that the claim was pure propaganda being circulated by disgruntled trade unions.
Wallace boasted “I am a former Security Minister so know exactly how the borders work – and if these illegal wallahs continue landing on our beaches without a visa, then my Army lads will be there to greet them - with fixed bayonets.”
“Ergo, the reality is our borders are more safe and secure with the Army manning the beaches that the useless Border Force, who picks the illegal scum up in mid-Channel from their half-inflated rubber duck boats, then brings them into Dover for a change of clothes, and put them up in a hotel.”
Allergy warning: for readers suffering from HSS (Hypersensitive Snowflake Syndrome) – there is no known EpiPen medication remedy for adverse reactions to the 'politically incorrect' – aka the Truth.
This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane unorthodox irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour and caffeine-boosted public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references, 5G electrosmog radiation, and a chemtrail residue of genetically-modified nano-particle bush telegraph innuendo.
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