Patel: Swimming Lessons for Illegal Migrants

In the wake of an outcry from ultra-leftie Liberal campaigners and tax-exempt aid charities - plus last week's ultimate protest act of self-sacrifice seppuku by the chief executive of the Refugee Council, Enver Solomon - splattering blood n guts across the pavement frontage of the UK Border Force Agency offices on London's Marsham St - just prior to his fait accompli 'in mortem' defenestration from the agency's rooftop - the Tory Nasty Party's Home Secretary, Shiti 'Fat Arse' Patel, in a political face-saving bid, has insisted efforts to tackle fatal accidents suffered by economic migrants are now centred on 'the human factor' and how to prevent illegal immigrants from drowning – when their makeshift and overloaded boats sink halfway across the English Channel.

Speaking before the House of Conmans assembly, Patel defended her department's policies as it is feared dozens of asylum seekers could have become fish dinners after the flotilla of inflatable Lilo rubber mattresses they were on sank en mass earlier this week during a bid to cross the Channel from the French coastal town of Boulogne-sur-Mere – seeking the welfare state 'handout' security of Food Bank Britain.

Obviously relating to her past personal 'immigrant' experience, Patel informed the Lords Justice and Home Affairs Committee "We don't want these illegal migrant types getting drowned in the Channel, then their decaying bodies washed up on the South coast's tourist resort beaches for the seagulls to peck at – even if most were after a better life – which soft touch Britain has somehow earned a notoriety for providing these people with."

"Perhaps we can persuade the French border control authorities to provide potential illegal immigrant types with at least rudimentary open water swimming lessons – and even supply Poundshop life jackets."

When asked if the skewed strategy – which mandates Border Force officers to turn migrant boats around at sea and back towards France – (or else get torpedoed?) - was conducive to international human rights policy, Patel repeatedly insisted such tactics had a legal basis, adding: “It's their own bloody fault for trying to enter Britain illegally - via our back door and without a visa."

Much as we do not wish to agree with this obnoxious bully bitch on any subject, alas the 'illegal' part of the equation is that these migrants / asylum seekers – call 'em what the fuck you will – are attempting to sneak into our once-sceptred isle -  'illegally' - on an easy life scrounging mission, without the legally-required means of support, documentation, and a valid visa.

A Home Office spokesperson later confirmed that two men aboard a makeshift rowing boat – converted from an Ikea flatpack wardrobe – both Somali nationals – had been rescued some 30 miles off the Essex coast - and a search for their third person companion had been called off after a shark was sighted with his leg in its jaws.

It is understood from the two Somalis brought ashore by rescue crews, and interviewed yesterday by media hacks in their Dover Marina Hotel & Spa penthouse suite, that there were initially five people on board the wardrobe when it set off from France last Saturday.

https://www.gbnews.uk/news/channel-crossings-we-want-to-stop-people-drowning-priti-patel-says/149208

Allergy warning: for readers suffering from HSS (Hypersensitive Snowflake Syndrome) – there is no known EpiPen medication remedy for adverse reactions to the 'politically incorrect' – aka 'the Truth'.

This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane unorthodox irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour and caffeine-boosted public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references, 5G electrosmog radiation, and a chemtrail residue of genetically-modified nano-particle bush telegraph innuendo.