Tory Ex-Chancellor Takes Second Job

In today’s ‘You'll Never Believe This Shit’ expose edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Nasty Party's ex-Chancellor Gideon 'Spankies' Osborne – fired by the Tory's cross-dressing PM 'Testosterone Terry' Mayhem for incompetence and being publicly exposed in the gutter press media as a spoiled brat and utter Hooray Henry public school drug-snorting wanker - has been scouring the 'situations vacant' section of the give-away Metro news rag in search of a second job to make ends meet since he's lost his £134,565 per annum cabinet slot salary and has to survive on a meagre basic MP's wage of £74,962 quid now his lucrative House of Conmans 'second home flipping' kleptocrat expense fiddling scams have been exposed and blocked.

So the gutless, train fare dodging Gideon has been slapped with a massive £59,603 pay cut for being a total knobhead and making a fuck of his position as the Treasury's chief bean counter due implementing ill-thought 'let's rob the poor' austerity measures policies.
Oh dear, how sad – but Sympathy for dizzy Gideon is in short supply, with a singular mention to be found in the dictionary – right between Shit and Syphilis.

Though being part and parcel of the parasitic nobility regime and parasitical global reach corporations that have been shafting the common herd demographic of our once-sceptred isle since time immemorial – and knowing a few Masonic secret handshake manoeuvres – still opens doors for the silver spoon likes of a smarmy clunt like Osborne.

Thus once the word got around among his old Oxford Uni' elitist 'men-only' Piers Gaveston Sodomite's Society and Bullingdon Vandals Club membership pals – (the likes of ex-Tory PM Posh Dave Scameron and ex-London Mayor – now the incumbent Foreign Secretary and class-act buffoon - Bonkers Boris al Pasha Attaturk Nonsense) - then the doors started opening – with Gideon picking up £40,000 quid per hour – ironically for standing at a rostrum and spouting any old shite to a bunch of commercial bankster types on how to run their business - after he managed to make an even bigger fuck up of Broken Britain's economy than New Labour's equally good for nothing Nonceland wankers Alastair 'Albino' Darling and Gordon 'Cyclops' Broon combined.

To wit, while Osborne - who holds only contempt for working class taxpayers - is generally viewed as a tosspot with the personality of a septic tank - and thanks to the very same old boy network that saved the nanny-bashing Lord Unlucky Lucan from the hangman's noose – now commands a hefty fee for public speaking engagements and is set to rake in £650,000 nicker a year as a hedgehog funds tax-dodging adviser to Nigeria-based BlackCock Investments.

And that's where Gideon and his cronies do their best work - wallowing in a cesspool of graft and corruption – with their snouts firmly embedded in the trough of corporate profit - to the detriment of all else.

Mind you, when your accumulated bad habits run to forking out mega-bucks for good quality Colombian nose powder and the services of some fat arsed West End Dominatrix like Mistress Natalie Rowe to cane your bare botty - then piss all over you, maybe £40,000 nicker per hour is the stipend required to cover the costs of Grade A snorting snow and golden showers.

Next up, some other inbred blue blood dog wanker gets on the phone and voila – lo and behold – goblin-featured Gideon's offered the job of editor at London's gutter press red top Daily Shitraker tabloid - whose circulation runs to 850,000 to 900,000 copies a day since becoming a free title in 2010 – a position the useless coke-sniffing tosser has zero experience to command – lest one considers he once wrote a poem for Eton's school news rag.

But when your public school cronies are in bed with the Russian Bratva (Mafia) then anything's possible – especially so since the Daily Shitraker was bought up back in 2009 by Yeltsin-era oligarch and former KGB agent, Oleg Mobsaroubles - the $$$ zillionaire owner of Gulag Gaz and RussTheft Oil – whose Chechen ex-lap dancer girlfriend, Tekum Orloff, runs Soho's notorious Orloff’s rub n tug massage parlour.

Speaking to an interviewer from the BBC's Propaganda Hour programme, Osborne admitted the editorial post would take multitasking to a new level and present a big challenge to persuade his long-suffering constituents in Cheshire that he could juggle two money-spinning jobs and still represent them efficiently in Parliament.

Conversely, these very same Cheshire constituents were of a conflicting opinion to that of Gideon's when consulted by media hacks from the Bullshit Review, with one elite post code Hale Barns resident and City stockbroker, Dinsdale Figg-Newton, relating "Osborne's more full of crap than a Christmas goose claiming he can do both jobs. Bollocks and my arse – this latest stunt is an insult to the electors he is supposed to serve – as the cloth-eared prat can't even look after the one he's got and does sweet Fanny Adams for us anyway."

"He vowed to get the fox hunting ban overturned and never did. Same with having kiddie fiddling legalised - as the Tories did with homosexuality back in 1967 – another promise unfulfilled. Then he screws up and we're faced with this environmental disaster of the HS2 high speed railway line for RattleTrack and Notwork Rail chopping a compulsory purchase route through our exclusive Millionaire's Row village and cutting a swathe across Ringway Golf Course and Doggers Wood."

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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