Saturday, 3 August 2013

Archbishop on Kosher Nostra Hit List

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Since declaring a no-holds-barred ‘anti-usury’ war on scumbag payday loan sharks during the closing week of July, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Reverend Justin Welby, has unwittingly incurred the wrath of the Rothshite family’s Vampire Squid bankster crime syndicate and ended up with his name topping the Kosher Nostra’s ‘extreme prejudice’ hit list.

One whistle-blowing snitch working as an I-Spy software programme operator for the GCHQ’s Prism / Carnivore / Echelon / X-Keyscore / Sig-Int super snooper ‘Nosy Bastard’ wire-tap / eavesdropping systems on Hubble Bubble Road in Cheltenham has leaked hard copy data to the Ox-Rat government abuse watchdog charity revealing that Lambeth Palace has been added to the MQ-1 Predator C ‘Avenger’ drone AGM-114 Shitstreak missile’s TTP (terrorist targeting parameters) - with a mega-bucks assassination bounty put on the hallowed head of the Prelate himself.

The Met’ Plod Squad’s Deputy Commissioner, Cressida Dickhead – (now demoted to command the Serious Organised Coverups Agency since okaying a moronic crew of CO19 psychos to declare an Operation Kratos open season on Brazilian electricians back in 2005) - commented to one gutter press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that “Following the publication of these threats to his life, we’ll be providing the Archbishop with 24/7 close-in protection lest he end up another case of assisted suicide and discovered leaning against a tree in the David Kelly Memorial Woods and his wrists slashed with a melon scoop – or stuffed inside one of those big black North Face holdalls that MI5 favour and dumped on some remote landfill site - or in the middle of Woolwich’s Grassy Knoll Common.”

The gospel according to one of the City’s Square Mile insiders who spoke to reporters on conditions of anonymity (Rupert Ffitch-Snotterton of Kikester Bank Investments) Welby transgressed the unwritten rule when he made the politically-incorrect move of symbolically following the example of Jesus Christ and kicking over the money-lenders tables on July 25th, by appearing on the BBC’s Pound of Flesh programme where he announced that under his aegis the Church of England was going back to grass root basics and taking on the money-grubbing shylocks by fielding competitive consumer loans - without a typical usurious APR of 5,986% attached - via the C of E’s in-house credit union facilities.

During his BBC interview with Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr, Archbishop Welby stated for the public record that “The entire crapitalist system’s to blame for all of society’s ills – a factor perpetuated by these scumbag kikester money-lenders that kneel before the altar of the Golden Calf and worship Mammon, the God of Greed and the driving force behind compulsive consumer materialism.”
“Little wonder the common herd are up to their proverbial necks in a spiral of usurious debt and are being systemically turned into ‘shekel slaves’ - living from hand to mouth.”

It was at this point the Archbishop issued his classical Imperial Chinese ‘Read This, Tremble and Obey’ warning to the online money lender Wonga, that the Church of England planned to force them and their entire ilk out of business - by giving them a dose of healthy competition and consequently diverting their bloated and immoral profit margin income stream back into Church coffers.

Welby directed his threat at the head honcho of the Wonga payday loan shark outfit boss, Seymour Scumstein, that the C of E would henceforth undercut their unscrupulous counting house businesses by expanding the Church-controlled credit unions as an alternative to the current rip-off lending system and thus set in motion a social good to counter this pervasively-corrupt social evil.

Speaking on behalf of the Wonga board, CEO Scumstein claimed they were all for better consumer choice – if Baron Rothshite and his boys in Tel Aviv gave it the okay.

So, while Wonga are attempting to defuse a critical situation by kick starting a tongue in cheek black propaganda drive against Welby and the C of E with their Ten Promises campaign – which equates to reconfiguring the front bench seating arrangements in the House of Conmans in an effort to inspire better governance – pointless, and more at scent than substance – Ms Fellattia McSkanger, a 16-year old mother-of-three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim social housing estate – who is currently studying for her NVQ1 in Advanced Welfare Benefit Fraud - had this to say to one press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette concerning her payday loan nightmare with Wonga.

“Yeah right, so Welby might have God on his team an’ all that good shit but yer got one of Posh Dave Scameron’s top advisers, that Johnny Puff bloke, quittin’ Downin’ Street an’ goin’ ter work fer Wonga this week as well – so there’s a revolvin’ door conflict of effin’ interest if ever I saw one – fuckin’ insider lobbyin’ access an’ what-have-yer.”

“Talk about payday lenders, that’s all a load of old bollocks cos Wonga’s nowt but a bunch of legalised blood-suckin’ leeches, prayin’ on the vulnerable core elements of our society wiv their sliding scale APR wot slaps yer wiv an extortionate typical interest rate of nigh on 6,000%.”
“Then on top of all that crap yer got their heavy-handed debt collection tactics when they sent a couple of Albanian death squad heavies around ter kick our front door in an’ threatened ter kidnap me sprogs an’ sell ‘em ter some Paki paedo brothel down in poxy Rochdale. Nice people they are not.”

Thought for the day. The Church's Ethical Investment Advisory Group explicitly bans investment in multi-national military-industrial corporations and financial institutions - that derive in excess of 3% of their income from pornography, 10% from armaments and all weapons of war and affiliated services - or 25% from other dodgy commercial ventures including pornography, drug dealing, child prostitution, gambling, alcohol and high interest rate loan sharking.

Regardless, that is a crafty bit of strategy on Welby’s part – and one way to get the hard-up atheists and agnostics into church.

Conversely to Welby’s pledge, it’s a bit of an ironic – and grossly embarrassing - oversight that the C of E’s pension fund has been making unethical investments with the very financial corporation (US-based venture capitalists Scumbag Partners SA) that actually fund Wonga - a serious inconsistency best described as a Class 1 Fuckup.

To conclude, fuck Wonga and the Zionist Masonic crapitalist system - and all who sail in it.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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