UK Local Authorities Go Ga-Ga

Once again, the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

ATTENTIONS OF TRAFFORD METROPOLITAN BOROUGH COUNCIL

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: WITHOUT PREJUDICE

With regard to the Trafford Council / Veolia ‘Coming Soon’ flyer delivered through our letterboxes yesterday, the 20th August, detailing ‘Important changes to your green and grey bin collections’ – specifically the ‘enhancement’ of our current food and garden waste service.

As a private community consisting of 24 flats, contained in four separate blocks, we are already blessed with 10 grey wheelie bins, 6 black bins and 8 blue bins - all large 360 litre capacity units – split equally between two locations on our property to service all four blocks of flats.

We don’t have any green bins as our not-fit-for-purpose property management agents, Ripoff Estate Care, contract a firm of lawn butchers who masquerade (and at no small cost, either) as gardeners and take away all grass, hedgerow and shrub trimmings they manage to cut – weather permitting – and when not otherwise engaged gaming on their ubiquitous smart phones.

Following a committee meeting yesterday evening, points were raised regarding TMBC providing a generic ‘Roadkill’ bin (one of the nice dark brown 'coffin' shaped types)to allow disposal of dead cats savaged by the neighbourhood’s resident fox pack – plus electro-smog disorientated wood pigeons flying into our walls; along with squashed members of the local hedgehog community run down by thoughtless delivery service and utility company drivers frequenting our courtyard.

A large ‘Yellow’ medical waste and sharps hazard bin would actually be of more use for disposing of Mrs McSkanger’s (the abortionist in Flat 14B) culled foetuses – plus the heaps of waste generated by the anti-social druggie crew currently squatting in Flat 7A who chuck their empty heroin vials and used needles in the black Glass / Bottles bin - with nary a thought for some hard up resident pensioner blindly rooting through the top for a liquor bottle with a couple of swigs left in it.

But with the apathetic local Plod Squad never being sighted unless someone shouts 'Revolution!', flashes a gun or chicks a Molotov cocktail, then remedial actions are not forthcoming and the druggies are a problem we’re stuck with until absentee landlord Mr Jimjam Chuckabutty returns from his current sojourn to Pakiland with his new child bride and obtains a court order to mobilise and dispatch bailiffs from the Renta Thug Security Agency to come round to kick Flat 7A’s door in and evict the squatters en mass.

Mrs Numbskull (Flat 23B) did raise a question about TMBC providing a lead lined ‘Radioactive Waste’ bin as the Muslim couple renting Flat 6, Mr & Mrs Ras al Ka-Boom are suspected by their neighbours of being terrorists and members of the radical Islamic Jolly Jihad Brigade – due the copious amounts of Al Qaeda magazines and empty bomb-making / explosives packaging and paraphernalia they chuck out – especially the shiny metal stuff that glows in the dark and made old Mrs Renshaw’s hair and fingernails fall out when she tried to sell a tin of it at Cash Converters.

Per the proposed supply of the ‘silver indoor kitchen caddy’ designed for waste food disposal – perhaps TMBC also intend to supply bigger kitchens to provide space for these invasive and undesired items.
As our grey bins are filled to capacity every Thursday evening – prior to collection the following day, Trafford is not offering much of an ‘enhanced’’ service when these bins are to henceforth get emptied every ‘second week’ – for reasons based on the faulty science of the discredited global warming scam.

Further, we are astounded by – and duly dispute - TMBC’s 'hard sell' claim in the flyer to justify this spendthrift action - that the average UK family throws away £480 quid’s worth of food per annum – a factor unlikely to manifest here in a community of senior citizens, collectively suffering the fiscal and welfare benefit cut throes of three years of this Con-Dem / Libservative Coalition’s mismanagement of our once-sceptred isle of Albion – now known as Broken Britain.

Hopefully these flyers bearing the Trafford MBC crest represent some sort of nonsensical lark being fielded by local college students in aid of their Rag Week fund raising - but there again we hear rumours of so many asinine to hare-brained to psychotic schemes being proposed by jobsworth local authority bureaucrats – such as Trafford MBC signing a back-hander / under-the-table dirty deal contract with the controversial environmental pillagers Cuadrilla to undertake exploration operations in John Lee Park and start fracking to release reservoirs of methane gas.

To close, as a fitting response to this purportedly ‘enhanced’ bin emptying service we, as a community, have decided after much deliberation, to collectively respond in kind – with our ‘enhanced’ council tax remittance scheme – and henceforth pay it on the first day of every ‘second’ month.

Yours, confused, as always,

The Residents Committee,
Burlington Court Flats,

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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