Smegmadale Asbo Central College for the Intellectually-Challenged was tonight placed under a quarantine order as Department of Health inspectors, garbed in bio-hazard suits, took samples from the school’s kitchen and canteen to determine the cause of this afternoon’s outbreak of virulent food poisoning, which resulted in the deaths of a number of staff and pupils, with the remainder of diners being hospitalised.
After testing several samples from the kitchen and food storage areas, hygiene officials summoned a team of scientists from the government’s Porton Down Biological Warfare facility to assist with their investigation.
Prof. Digby Ratstamper, senior microbiologist from Porton Down, informed media reporters “I’ve never seen a kitchen so filthy that even the cockroaches came out spewing.”
He added that his team harboured serious reservations concerning hygiene and sanitation issues, not only with the quality and storage of the food stocks, but also with the reported lax cleanliness practices of the kitchen staff.
“I spoke to the deputy cook, a Ms. E. Coli, who told me she washes her hands religiously, once a week, whether they need it or not.”
The college’s chief cook, Ms. Sally Monella, told reporters jokingly “I ‘ope it weren’t me special recipe Turkish Delight Pasties, wot’s really last week’s left-over turkey twizzlers minced up an’ chillied then rolled in pastry. As me Mum used ter say ‘Waste not – want not.’ They’re a wee bit fiery an’ can give yer a spot of a tummy upset if yer not used ter spicy food, yer know.”
“I decided ter cook th’ Turkish Delights as I were a bit late gettin’ to th’ college after me night shift at th’ sewerage works an’ ‘ad ter do a runner ter get ‘ere in time ter cook the kids’ dinners.”
“Anyway, I ’ad called me second cook, Ethel Coli, on me cell phone an’ she’d got th’ chillied twizzler mix well on th’ way by th’ time I got there.”
When questioned by astounded reporters about her night job at the sewerage works, Ms. Monella replied she was the senior turd sorter, NVQ level 4.
Department of Health spokesquack, Dr. Hector McCrud told the media “I believe things are a lot more serious than what Ms. Monella terms ‘a spot of a tummy upset.’
With teaching staff and students vomiting blood and crapping out several yards of lower intestine, plus twenty-three now chilling in the hospital mortuary so far, then I personally would classify the incident as a major disaster.”
“After my initial walk-through inspection, with the sound of deceased vermin crunching under my boots, I judged the kitchen to be as hygienic as a Punjabi public lavatory.
I mean, I’m all for equal employment opportunities, but there’s a few far-reaching implications in the college hiring a leper as the kitchen’s commi chef and dishwasher, even if he is the Headmistress’ brother-in-law.”
However, Headmistress Mildred Mingerot took umbrage at Dr. McCrud’s insinuations concerning her relative’s employment.
“Our William’s just fine, it’s not as though he has bits of rotting flesh falling off into the meals, is it. Dr. McCrud ought to display a mite more Christian charity to those so afflicted. How would he like to attend a job centre every other week with a cow bell round his neck, clanging away, and having to shout Unclean!”
Lindsey Chavette, currently studying for an A-level GCSE in Slapperology, spoke to the Undertakers’ Review on her cellphone from the hospital toilets.
“Yeah, I’m sat ‘ere on the crapper like, spewin’ me fuckin’ ring up into a bucket and pebble-dashin’ the porcelain with me arse. Yer want me to take a piccie of me rosebud for yer with me cell-cam?”
Chirpy third year students Campy Lobacter and Georgina Grunge, hanging around the campus gates smoking a bifta, told reporters “We’re all right cos we never eat the shit old Pigswill Sally an’ the other tosspots cooks up in the college canteen, an’ definitely not when yer got old Botulism Billy ringin’ ‘is bell an’ festerin’ all over the effin’ place.
We goes down the local fast food joint fer cow ‘eel pie an’ chips. Yer never gets sick there.”
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Monday, 3 November 2008
UN Convoy Delivers Aid to DR Congo
A UN convoy has finally arrived in rebel-held territory in the Devastated Republic of Congo, bringing supplies to some of the 250,000 refugees displaced by the civil war.
It is the first aid in weeks for those stranded in areas controlled by the simian forces of megalomaniac rebel commander Field Marshall Bonkers N’kunta.
War correspondent Wilbert Snitch, chief grasser for the BBC, reporting from a fortified Pizza Hut outlet in the war-torn North Kiyu province’s capital of Gonads, said the convoy had managed to get through with several cartons of Cheese and Onion crisps, a gross of Pol Pot insta-noodles, nine bales of Andrex extra-soft bog rolls (with aloe), two hundred shower curtains (paisley), several boxes of donated Nintendo Wii games and sixty-two cases of Foster’s lager (warm).
However, the long-awaited shipment of new DVD releases from Blockbuster and the latest copies of the Daily Sport was lost when the truck carrying it hit a land mine.
A fragile ceasefire is currently in place, and Field Marshall N’kunta has said he might guarantee ‘humanitarian corridors’ for the convoys through rebel lines as long as he receives his usual commission in conflict diamonds and Tesco discount vouchers.
One news correspondent speculates the UN will try to find out who ate the tens of thousands of people housed in refugee camps. On its journey, the convoy passed the large Ratshitdump camp, just north of Gonads, where all the houses had been repossessed by the ailing ‘Smegmadale No-Chance Savings and Loans Bank’, and the inhabitants’ gnawed bare bones left strewn around the streets.
UN doctors travelling with the convoy expressed doubt that this was the work of starving hyena packs and blamed the cannibal banquet on the Congolese Army.
The recent rebel offensive, exacerbated by a spate of killing, looting and raping by the retreating Congolese Army’s Baboon Regiment, has created what aid agencies have termed an ‘absolute clusterfuck’.
Hopefully many of the displaced Congolese refugees who have been reduced to foraging for food in the outlying bush, existing on subsistence diets of damp cardboard, barbed wire and broken glass, will tonight be able enjoy a couple of Fosters and a shower curtain sandwich, courtesy of the UN.
In a weekend of shuttle diplomacy, several bungling European foreign ministers met both Rwandan President Ng’dinga Koconut in Kigali and Congolese President De’ Rippa Krocodile in Kinshasa to discuss matters of mutual self-interest involving Swiss bank accounts, natural resource concessions, diamonds and armament sales.
However, Gladys Twatscratcher, spokeslapper for the international aid charity ‘Hopeless Cases’, told the media “The first thing these interfering foreign ministry cunts from Europe can do to help is to stop supplying both sides of this conflict with the same weapons, then they might be tempted to sit down and leave the country in peace, and not in pieces”.
After visiting camps for displaced persons around Gonads, UK and French foreign ministers David Wristband and Bernard Kouchspud told the BBC that establishing and maintaining an AIDS (?) corridor to the area was a top priority.
Before departing for their scheduled champagne and lobster lunch in Kinshasa they also called for the strengthening of the twenty man UN force in DR Congo, but ruled out assigning EU troops as someone might get shot, or worse.
In 1994, 800,000 people died in Rwanda's genocide, which kicked off as a bit of a panga-waving spat between Hutu and Tootsie tribesmen, and is now regarded as the origin of the current conflict across the border.
UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the media the international community must "Not allow Congo to become another Rwanda", and if necessary he himself would lead a troop of Highland forces to ”Sort these sad scally bastards out once n fer all”.
International reporters were at a loss for words but declined from informing the government’s Chief Clot that the civil war situation was already “another Rwanda”.
Field Marshall N’kunta says he is fighting to protect his Tootsie’s from being trodden on by Rwandan General Jabba the Hutu and his rebels, some of whom are accused of taking part in the genocide, with suspicions of collusion between the DR Congolese army, the Hutu guerrillas and the Bradford and Bingley Limited Conflicts Loans division.
The Congolese government, for its part, has accused Rwanda of backing Field Marshall N’kunta. The Rwanda government denies this, but has twice invaded its much larger neighbour in recent years and established itself as being run by pathological liars who wouldn’t recognised the Truth if it jumped up and bit them on the arse.
So all in all, the whole pack are lying through their mendacious teeth and the conflict will continue unabated so long as the West keeps supplying the ammo, until it’s last man standing. Business as usual, amen.
It is the first aid in weeks for those stranded in areas controlled by the simian forces of megalomaniac rebel commander Field Marshall Bonkers N’kunta.
War correspondent Wilbert Snitch, chief grasser for the BBC, reporting from a fortified Pizza Hut outlet in the war-torn North Kiyu province’s capital of Gonads, said the convoy had managed to get through with several cartons of Cheese and Onion crisps, a gross of Pol Pot insta-noodles, nine bales of Andrex extra-soft bog rolls (with aloe), two hundred shower curtains (paisley), several boxes of donated Nintendo Wii games and sixty-two cases of Foster’s lager (warm).
However, the long-awaited shipment of new DVD releases from Blockbuster and the latest copies of the Daily Sport was lost when the truck carrying it hit a land mine.
A fragile ceasefire is currently in place, and Field Marshall N’kunta has said he might guarantee ‘humanitarian corridors’ for the convoys through rebel lines as long as he receives his usual commission in conflict diamonds and Tesco discount vouchers.
One news correspondent speculates the UN will try to find out who ate the tens of thousands of people housed in refugee camps. On its journey, the convoy passed the large Ratshitdump camp, just north of Gonads, where all the houses had been repossessed by the ailing ‘Smegmadale No-Chance Savings and Loans Bank’, and the inhabitants’ gnawed bare bones left strewn around the streets.
UN doctors travelling with the convoy expressed doubt that this was the work of starving hyena packs and blamed the cannibal banquet on the Congolese Army.
The recent rebel offensive, exacerbated by a spate of killing, looting and raping by the retreating Congolese Army’s Baboon Regiment, has created what aid agencies have termed an ‘absolute clusterfuck’.
Hopefully many of the displaced Congolese refugees who have been reduced to foraging for food in the outlying bush, existing on subsistence diets of damp cardboard, barbed wire and broken glass, will tonight be able enjoy a couple of Fosters and a shower curtain sandwich, courtesy of the UN.
In a weekend of shuttle diplomacy, several bungling European foreign ministers met both Rwandan President Ng’dinga Koconut in Kigali and Congolese President De’ Rippa Krocodile in Kinshasa to discuss matters of mutual self-interest involving Swiss bank accounts, natural resource concessions, diamonds and armament sales.
However, Gladys Twatscratcher, spokeslapper for the international aid charity ‘Hopeless Cases’, told the media “The first thing these interfering foreign ministry cunts from Europe can do to help is to stop supplying both sides of this conflict with the same weapons, then they might be tempted to sit down and leave the country in peace, and not in pieces”.
After visiting camps for displaced persons around Gonads, UK and French foreign ministers David Wristband and Bernard Kouchspud told the BBC that establishing and maintaining an AIDS (?) corridor to the area was a top priority.
Before departing for their scheduled champagne and lobster lunch in Kinshasa they also called for the strengthening of the twenty man UN force in DR Congo, but ruled out assigning EU troops as someone might get shot, or worse.
In 1994, 800,000 people died in Rwanda's genocide, which kicked off as a bit of a panga-waving spat between Hutu and Tootsie tribesmen, and is now regarded as the origin of the current conflict across the border.
UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown told the media the international community must "Not allow Congo to become another Rwanda", and if necessary he himself would lead a troop of Highland forces to ”Sort these sad scally bastards out once n fer all”.
International reporters were at a loss for words but declined from informing the government’s Chief Clot that the civil war situation was already “another Rwanda”.
Field Marshall N’kunta says he is fighting to protect his Tootsie’s from being trodden on by Rwandan General Jabba the Hutu and his rebels, some of whom are accused of taking part in the genocide, with suspicions of collusion between the DR Congolese army, the Hutu guerrillas and the Bradford and Bingley Limited Conflicts Loans division.
The Congolese government, for its part, has accused Rwanda of backing Field Marshall N’kunta. The Rwanda government denies this, but has twice invaded its much larger neighbour in recent years and established itself as being run by pathological liars who wouldn’t recognised the Truth if it jumped up and bit them on the arse.
So all in all, the whole pack are lying through their mendacious teeth and the conflict will continue unabated so long as the West keeps supplying the ammo, until it’s last man standing. Business as usual, amen.
Sunday, 2 November 2008
Global Oligarchs and Ruling Elite Flit to Utopia
Breach in Time/Space Continuum Opens Dimensional Portal to Hell.
Man recently donned the cloak of Creator and assumed the role of God. His manipulation of ORMEs, the esoteric sciences and applied quantum technologies saw Thomas Moore’s dream bastion of perfection a reality manifested.
Utopia Inc., the next best thing to Heaven on Earth, opened its Pearly Gates to those who could afford the luxurious environment and opulent lifestyles it offered.
Situated high in the Himalayas it was Shangri La revealed, the Shamballah of legends materialised, with its Yin and Yang held in harmonious accord by a pioneering computerised Feng Shui system, enabling cosseted residents to tune into a perpetual state of Nirvana.
Utilizing HAARP climate engineering technology to produce and maintain a Garden of Eden environment and sub-tropical weather system was the brainchild of psycho-physicist Arturo von Scrunk.
Although winner of the 2005 Nobel Prize for Indoor Decorating, Skrunk is perhaps best known to the public for his innovative children’s self-destruct build kit : Chernobyl Nuclear Lego; and last Xmas’ best-selling Nintendo Super-Wii molecular dissociation / directed energy beam game ‘Guess Where Granny’s Gone?’
Ninety-nine per cent of the world’s population of useless eaters faced a galloping global recession with mouths agape. Mass credit cancellations and rejections, banking collapses, personal pension fund evaporations, rampant unemployment, defenestrating housing prices and property repossessions had hit the human herd with the devastating intensity of a four-year old child being told, on Christmas Eve, that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
As that 99:9% of ‘sheeple’ struggled to come to terms with the fact they were facing a massive extinction level clusterfuck of Biblical proportions, the remaining privileged 0:1%, consisting of the world’s oligarchs and ruling elites who had caused the chaos, slithered tactically off to pastures new, courtesy of Utopia Inc. (SA).
The project was originally bankrolled by the ultra-secretive Geneva-based Zionist NWO think tank Cuckoos, and boosted by further mega-billion Euro investments from Opus Dei and the Vatican, the Russian Wankos Oil and Gas conglomerate Chairman, Igor Mobzaroubles, and International Illuminati banker Sir Dinsdale de Rothshite, owner of the City of London and Keeper of the Royal Tesco Card.
Marketed exclusively to the Rich and Shameless as the ‘Elite Retreat’, every man and his dog who ever kissed the Pope’s ring, gave their favourite patron Cardinal a rim job or shook paws with a national leader had their name on the property list, so long they could put their hands on a spare thousand ounces of gold bullion or a few hundred carats of uncut conflict diamonds.
News reports of the recent opening of Utopia published various accounts of the world’s celebrity financial elite’s initial opinions and reactions to living in Paradise before it all went tits up in a spectacular Busby-Berkeley style Apocalyptic somersault.
Only last week Sir Wilf Pustule, the one-eyed expatriate British rags to riches entrepreneur who laid the foundation stone to his fortune with the invention of the left-handed corkscrew, gave the media his monocular view of the burgeoning global political crises and his family’s move to Utopia.
“Th’ world out there, yer know, in th’ UK anyways, it’s all fucked up like a soup sandwich and nowt works since th’ local councils invested all th’ money in those dodgy Icelandic banks and sub-prime mortgage shite. Now th’ mobs are takin’ to th’ streets in revolt an’ snuffin’ th’ lot of ‘em. Council twats, coppers, community sneaks an’ traffic wardens included, so bleedin’ anarchy rules”.
“But don’t say owt, or that I told yer, mind. I opened me big gob about fractional reserve bankin’ bein’ the effin’ cause of it all an’ got me eye poked out fer me trouble like by one of Rockefeller’s heavies at th’ Council of Foreign Relations”.
“Anyway, th’ same’s ‘appenin’ every-bleedin’-where. Africa, Asia, Amarillo, Australia, America, Abergavenny”.
“I knew civilisation ‘ad definitely broken down when I read in th' Daily Dingbat that th’ local tannin’ parlours refused to take DSS coupons any more an’ closed up shop. I reckon that was the kick-off of th’ Liverpool end of th’ global revolution”.
“That’s when we moved ‘ere. Got us a nice little mansion up on th’ hillside, right next door to Kenny Piynan’s stables, in fact”.
“Bit of an ‘orse lover I believe ‘e is, which is right ‘andy as th’ missus loves a spot of gee-gee ridin’ now an’ again, know wot I mean. Not a bad view from up ‘ere either, if yer stand on th’ roof”.
“Buying a villa here costs an arm or a leg, or some other dispensable body part, but it’s well worth it to be away from all those whingeing poor pale-faced proletariat bastards with their shoddy dentistry,” pronounced Lord Ratflinger, the one-legged CEO of Europe’s largest weapons manufacturer, Mutilations-R-Us (SA), and current owner of Smegmadale United FC and Britain’s Labour Party.
Speaking from his wind-powered Maserati wheelchair and accompanied by gay partner, the one-titted Greek-Amazon lesbo property heiress, Sapphica Dildodo, Lord Ratflinger told the press “It’s definitely worth the price, just to be away from that shithole of a world out there”.
“It really is an utter joy living here with our personal computerised Dial-a-Climate system and the pulsa denura security screen guarding the property, fortified with man-eating rotifers, I might add. That was installed to look after my priceless little collection of Wang Dynasty Tuppaware and keep any invading riffraff out”.
Turbo Tatswiller, the tabloids favourite overweight Polynesian Lycra magnate from Luton-on-Sea, gave the Hades Weekly Review his first-hand version of what had gone wrong with the technological Paradise.
“I’m down at Utopia’s Rub and Tug Saloon for a few post-prandial Harvey Headbanger cocktails, getting waited on by all those gorgeous Thai ladyboys and having an oriental tongue massage, when suddenly it’s ‘Boom’! The lights go out, the place turns upside-down and when I come around everywhere stinks of bandicoot shit, I’m trapped in ice up to me bollocks and the ceiling’s on fire. Bye-bye Hedonist Heaven”.
“Anyway, for the first coupla days after it all goes to crap I’ve got some wrinkly old yid twat called Kissinger stuck in the ice next to me and he’s harping on about some gossip that the HAARP weather control array caused a major fuck up with the Earth’s Time-Space-Gravity continuum and opened a portal to the Nth Dimension, whatever the fuck that is. Some know-alling bugger in the next circle reckons it’s what the Catholic tabloids call Hell”.
“Next thing some slitty-eyed grey alien demons yank this Kissinger bloke out and put him through a big bonemeal mincer to shut the whingeing old cunt up. Very nasty way to go, I might tell you. Then they minced up a bunch of screaming Ivy leaguers from Harvard and Yale and made a whopping big lasagne supper out of the mess for the reptiles who run the place. So I’ve not heard any other gossip since, apart from a rumour we’re stuck here for Eternity and no appeals. Until it’s time for another lasagne, anyway”.
Prince Burnedarse of the Neverlands (SS ret. / Iron Cross & bar) and Klaus von Bilderberg (SS ret. / Hot Cross bun), now permanently embedded in the eternal ice of Utopia’s Ninth Circle of Hell, spoke to The Hades Weekly Review’s reporter, freely admitted their involvement in the causes of the World’s crises and opined on the up-ending of their elitist private Paradise.
“The world would have been okay and probably sorted itself out, as financial panics and political shit fights eventually have a habit of doing, if the Zionist loonies hadn’t pulled another of their barmy pre-emptive stunts and got Mossad to blow up Jerusalem so they could waste the Moslems and rebuild Solomon’s temple”.
“Some premier intelligence agency eh, couldn’t tell the difference between a twenty kiloton and a twenty megaton bomb. What a bloody mess. It’s still snowing soot and charred body parts across the Middle East. The Iranians didn’t take too kindly to being blamed for doing it either”.
“Mossad’s false flag mole flu attack across Europe went totally tits up in the same week as well. It only snuffed seven people, all pensioners, but left the entire populations of Germany and Poland with tunnel vision and the autobahns covered in snot. They should have stuck to spreading the Fort Detrick strain bird flu and any left-over anthrax spores. That could have been a real killer”.
“Utopia, our little clandestine Paradise, had been on the cards for years, since the Tavistock Institute gave the Round Table the whisper and a thumbs-down that there was no chance of ever dominating the global population on a permanent basis through their vaunted New World Order and MK-Ultra mind control television programmes. Spiking the drinking water with fluoride only made the populations dumber donkeys than they already were”.
“This was our bolt-hole for when fractional reserve banking loans reached a critical mass and caused the recent chain reaction”.
“We knew everything would eventually go to shit and the masses get really stroppy and opt out for a world-wide revolution with a spot of quid pro quo against their social betters. Us, the historic nobility. Just a matter of postponing the inevitable”.
“Seems paradoxical none of our research academics had ever read Dante Alighieri’s ‘Inferno’ or recognised the irony of pissing around with HAARP to turn the WTC skyscrapers to dust, and cause earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis, then blame it on Nature”.
“Our Utopian project seems to have stirred up a bit of a contretemps with Mother Nature, disturbing the immutable order of things. One moment all is honky-dory, the next thing, Utopia’s gone to shit in a handcart, just like the Federal Reserve and central banking systems did’”.
“Some penitent goyim fink trapped in the Eighth Circle’s had an attack of the hysterics and started speculating that the Hand of God was responsible for up-ending our creationist masterpiece as we’re a menagerie of egocentric self-delusionists, and this is the cost of allowing ego to surpass intellect”.
Prince Burnedarse, locked fast and immobile in the eternal ice of Hell’s Ninth Circle, with the fires burning above him, pauses to snap his teeth and spit at an insomniac pterodactyl pecking dispassionately at his left eye, then painfully waxes on once more as the flying lizard turns to peck at von Bilderberg’s pointy bald head.
"You’ll have to excuse Klaus not saying much. A geezenstack tunnelled up his rear passage last night and chewed his tongue off. He never had much of any consequence to say anyway”.
“However, closer to reality, one of the anoraks lodged in the Sixth Circle thinks we’ve created an inter-dimensional shift from the 3rd to 4th density, and that’s the cause of our predicament”.
“Last week everyone was a money-grabbing greedy atheist, now they’re all wingeing penitents spouting philosophical mantras about our fall from grace. A bit late for reconciliation and saying a dozen ‘Hail Mary’s’ as the panacea for their sins. No priests available to take confession anyway, they’re all trapped in the Fourth Circle. To sum it up concisely, we’re all fucked”.
Frank Shitrag, reporting live from Channel X’s news desk, announced the entire dimensional shift and flash freeze at Utopia was recorded live on the citadel’s CCTV cameras and can now be viewed on YouTube.
Those wishing to watch Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand being pecked to shreds by killiwacky birds can tune into the Fifth Circle, specially reserved for total dickheads.
Classified ad’ / The Hades Weekly Review :
“If you’ve breached both human and divine laws and become steeped in all manner of crimes and disgrace, then apply now for a slot in Utopia-Hades, the place all sado-masochist gluttons vie for and adore. Hear the whispers of pain screamed aloud, breathe deeply on the excreted scent of fear and misery. But don’t forget, what you want is not always what you get. Trick or treat and just deserts for such impiety”.
“So give us a call right now on our unique Fibonacci prime sequence telephone system’s toll-free number : 2-3-5-13-89-233-1597, and commit to donating a tissue-typed organ or limb of our choice as a deposit on your personal Circle of Hell”. (Human souls are no longer a viable commodity for transactions)
(Reuters latest: Meek shall inherit the Earth )
Man recently donned the cloak of Creator and assumed the role of God. His manipulation of ORMEs, the esoteric sciences and applied quantum technologies saw Thomas Moore’s dream bastion of perfection a reality manifested.
Utopia Inc., the next best thing to Heaven on Earth, opened its Pearly Gates to those who could afford the luxurious environment and opulent lifestyles it offered.
Situated high in the Himalayas it was Shangri La revealed, the Shamballah of legends materialised, with its Yin and Yang held in harmonious accord by a pioneering computerised Feng Shui system, enabling cosseted residents to tune into a perpetual state of Nirvana.
Utilizing HAARP climate engineering technology to produce and maintain a Garden of Eden environment and sub-tropical weather system was the brainchild of psycho-physicist Arturo von Scrunk.
Although winner of the 2005 Nobel Prize for Indoor Decorating, Skrunk is perhaps best known to the public for his innovative children’s self-destruct build kit : Chernobyl Nuclear Lego; and last Xmas’ best-selling Nintendo Super-Wii molecular dissociation / directed energy beam game ‘Guess Where Granny’s Gone?’
Ninety-nine per cent of the world’s population of useless eaters faced a galloping global recession with mouths agape. Mass credit cancellations and rejections, banking collapses, personal pension fund evaporations, rampant unemployment, defenestrating housing prices and property repossessions had hit the human herd with the devastating intensity of a four-year old child being told, on Christmas Eve, that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
As that 99:9% of ‘sheeple’ struggled to come to terms with the fact they were facing a massive extinction level clusterfuck of Biblical proportions, the remaining privileged 0:1%, consisting of the world’s oligarchs and ruling elites who had caused the chaos, slithered tactically off to pastures new, courtesy of Utopia Inc. (SA).
The project was originally bankrolled by the ultra-secretive Geneva-based Zionist NWO think tank Cuckoos, and boosted by further mega-billion Euro investments from Opus Dei and the Vatican, the Russian Wankos Oil and Gas conglomerate Chairman, Igor Mobzaroubles, and International Illuminati banker Sir Dinsdale de Rothshite, owner of the City of London and Keeper of the Royal Tesco Card.
Marketed exclusively to the Rich and Shameless as the ‘Elite Retreat’, every man and his dog who ever kissed the Pope’s ring, gave their favourite patron Cardinal a rim job or shook paws with a national leader had their name on the property list, so long they could put their hands on a spare thousand ounces of gold bullion or a few hundred carats of uncut conflict diamonds.
News reports of the recent opening of Utopia published various accounts of the world’s celebrity financial elite’s initial opinions and reactions to living in Paradise before it all went tits up in a spectacular Busby-Berkeley style Apocalyptic somersault.
Only last week Sir Wilf Pustule, the one-eyed expatriate British rags to riches entrepreneur who laid the foundation stone to his fortune with the invention of the left-handed corkscrew, gave the media his monocular view of the burgeoning global political crises and his family’s move to Utopia.
“Th’ world out there, yer know, in th’ UK anyways, it’s all fucked up like a soup sandwich and nowt works since th’ local councils invested all th’ money in those dodgy Icelandic banks and sub-prime mortgage shite. Now th’ mobs are takin’ to th’ streets in revolt an’ snuffin’ th’ lot of ‘em. Council twats, coppers, community sneaks an’ traffic wardens included, so bleedin’ anarchy rules”.
“But don’t say owt, or that I told yer, mind. I opened me big gob about fractional reserve bankin’ bein’ the effin’ cause of it all an’ got me eye poked out fer me trouble like by one of Rockefeller’s heavies at th’ Council of Foreign Relations”.
“Anyway, th’ same’s ‘appenin’ every-bleedin’-where. Africa, Asia, Amarillo, Australia, America, Abergavenny”.
“I knew civilisation ‘ad definitely broken down when I read in th' Daily Dingbat that th’ local tannin’ parlours refused to take DSS coupons any more an’ closed up shop. I reckon that was the kick-off of th’ Liverpool end of th’ global revolution”.
“That’s when we moved ‘ere. Got us a nice little mansion up on th’ hillside, right next door to Kenny Piynan’s stables, in fact”.
“Bit of an ‘orse lover I believe ‘e is, which is right ‘andy as th’ missus loves a spot of gee-gee ridin’ now an’ again, know wot I mean. Not a bad view from up ‘ere either, if yer stand on th’ roof”.
“Buying a villa here costs an arm or a leg, or some other dispensable body part, but it’s well worth it to be away from all those whingeing poor pale-faced proletariat bastards with their shoddy dentistry,” pronounced Lord Ratflinger, the one-legged CEO of Europe’s largest weapons manufacturer, Mutilations-R-Us (SA), and current owner of Smegmadale United FC and Britain’s Labour Party.
Speaking from his wind-powered Maserati wheelchair and accompanied by gay partner, the one-titted Greek-Amazon lesbo property heiress, Sapphica Dildodo, Lord Ratflinger told the press “It’s definitely worth the price, just to be away from that shithole of a world out there”.
“It really is an utter joy living here with our personal computerised Dial-a-Climate system and the pulsa denura security screen guarding the property, fortified with man-eating rotifers, I might add. That was installed to look after my priceless little collection of Wang Dynasty Tuppaware and keep any invading riffraff out”.
Turbo Tatswiller, the tabloids favourite overweight Polynesian Lycra magnate from Luton-on-Sea, gave the Hades Weekly Review his first-hand version of what had gone wrong with the technological Paradise.
“I’m down at Utopia’s Rub and Tug Saloon for a few post-prandial Harvey Headbanger cocktails, getting waited on by all those gorgeous Thai ladyboys and having an oriental tongue massage, when suddenly it’s ‘Boom’! The lights go out, the place turns upside-down and when I come around everywhere stinks of bandicoot shit, I’m trapped in ice up to me bollocks and the ceiling’s on fire. Bye-bye Hedonist Heaven”.
“Anyway, for the first coupla days after it all goes to crap I’ve got some wrinkly old yid twat called Kissinger stuck in the ice next to me and he’s harping on about some gossip that the HAARP weather control array caused a major fuck up with the Earth’s Time-Space-Gravity continuum and opened a portal to the Nth Dimension, whatever the fuck that is. Some know-alling bugger in the next circle reckons it’s what the Catholic tabloids call Hell”.
“Next thing some slitty-eyed grey alien demons yank this Kissinger bloke out and put him through a big bonemeal mincer to shut the whingeing old cunt up. Very nasty way to go, I might tell you. Then they minced up a bunch of screaming Ivy leaguers from Harvard and Yale and made a whopping big lasagne supper out of the mess for the reptiles who run the place. So I’ve not heard any other gossip since, apart from a rumour we’re stuck here for Eternity and no appeals. Until it’s time for another lasagne, anyway”.
Prince Burnedarse of the Neverlands (SS ret. / Iron Cross & bar) and Klaus von Bilderberg (SS ret. / Hot Cross bun), now permanently embedded in the eternal ice of Utopia’s Ninth Circle of Hell, spoke to The Hades Weekly Review’s reporter, freely admitted their involvement in the causes of the World’s crises and opined on the up-ending of their elitist private Paradise.
“The world would have been okay and probably sorted itself out, as financial panics and political shit fights eventually have a habit of doing, if the Zionist loonies hadn’t pulled another of their barmy pre-emptive stunts and got Mossad to blow up Jerusalem so they could waste the Moslems and rebuild Solomon’s temple”.
“Some premier intelligence agency eh, couldn’t tell the difference between a twenty kiloton and a twenty megaton bomb. What a bloody mess. It’s still snowing soot and charred body parts across the Middle East. The Iranians didn’t take too kindly to being blamed for doing it either”.
“Mossad’s false flag mole flu attack across Europe went totally tits up in the same week as well. It only snuffed seven people, all pensioners, but left the entire populations of Germany and Poland with tunnel vision and the autobahns covered in snot. They should have stuck to spreading the Fort Detrick strain bird flu and any left-over anthrax spores. That could have been a real killer”.
“Utopia, our little clandestine Paradise, had been on the cards for years, since the Tavistock Institute gave the Round Table the whisper and a thumbs-down that there was no chance of ever dominating the global population on a permanent basis through their vaunted New World Order and MK-Ultra mind control television programmes. Spiking the drinking water with fluoride only made the populations dumber donkeys than they already were”.
“This was our bolt-hole for when fractional reserve banking loans reached a critical mass and caused the recent chain reaction”.
“We knew everything would eventually go to shit and the masses get really stroppy and opt out for a world-wide revolution with a spot of quid pro quo against their social betters. Us, the historic nobility. Just a matter of postponing the inevitable”.
“Seems paradoxical none of our research academics had ever read Dante Alighieri’s ‘Inferno’ or recognised the irony of pissing around with HAARP to turn the WTC skyscrapers to dust, and cause earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis, then blame it on Nature”.
“Our Utopian project seems to have stirred up a bit of a contretemps with Mother Nature, disturbing the immutable order of things. One moment all is honky-dory, the next thing, Utopia’s gone to shit in a handcart, just like the Federal Reserve and central banking systems did’”.
“Some penitent goyim fink trapped in the Eighth Circle’s had an attack of the hysterics and started speculating that the Hand of God was responsible for up-ending our creationist masterpiece as we’re a menagerie of egocentric self-delusionists, and this is the cost of allowing ego to surpass intellect”.
Prince Burnedarse, locked fast and immobile in the eternal ice of Hell’s Ninth Circle, with the fires burning above him, pauses to snap his teeth and spit at an insomniac pterodactyl pecking dispassionately at his left eye, then painfully waxes on once more as the flying lizard turns to peck at von Bilderberg’s pointy bald head.
"You’ll have to excuse Klaus not saying much. A geezenstack tunnelled up his rear passage last night and chewed his tongue off. He never had much of any consequence to say anyway”.
“However, closer to reality, one of the anoraks lodged in the Sixth Circle thinks we’ve created an inter-dimensional shift from the 3rd to 4th density, and that’s the cause of our predicament”.
“Last week everyone was a money-grabbing greedy atheist, now they’re all wingeing penitents spouting philosophical mantras about our fall from grace. A bit late for reconciliation and saying a dozen ‘Hail Mary’s’ as the panacea for their sins. No priests available to take confession anyway, they’re all trapped in the Fourth Circle. To sum it up concisely, we’re all fucked”.
Frank Shitrag, reporting live from Channel X’s news desk, announced the entire dimensional shift and flash freeze at Utopia was recorded live on the citadel’s CCTV cameras and can now be viewed on YouTube.
Those wishing to watch Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand being pecked to shreds by killiwacky birds can tune into the Fifth Circle, specially reserved for total dickheads.
Classified ad’ / The Hades Weekly Review :
“If you’ve breached both human and divine laws and become steeped in all manner of crimes and disgrace, then apply now for a slot in Utopia-Hades, the place all sado-masochist gluttons vie for and adore. Hear the whispers of pain screamed aloud, breathe deeply on the excreted scent of fear and misery. But don’t forget, what you want is not always what you get. Trick or treat and just deserts for such impiety”.
“So give us a call right now on our unique Fibonacci prime sequence telephone system’s toll-free number : 2-3-5-13-89-233-1597, and commit to donating a tissue-typed organ or limb of our choice as a deposit on your personal Circle of Hell”. (Human souls are no longer a viable commodity for transactions)
(Reuters latest: Meek shall inherit the Earth )
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
Extremist Headbangers to be Barred from UK
Tougher measures to prevent extremists entering the UK are to be announced by Home Secretary Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith as soon as they can dust the cobwebs off some semi-comatose senior civil service Mandarin and get him to cough up a few novel ideas that might withstand legal and constitutional scrutiny.
These will be designed to stop people, including so-called ‘preachers of hate’, stirring up tensions and kick-starting unscheduled riots or World War Two and a half, or an even worse cluster-fuck of Biblical proportions on the shores of Britain’s sacred green and pleasant lands.
Ms. Smith stated to the media that the right to come to Britain was a ‘privilege’ which should not be abused, and it was up to the individual concerned to prove they were loyal to the country by voting Labour and making a large donation to the party coffers.
There have been 230 people barred from entering the UK since 2005, but their identities have been revealed only when they started publicly whingeing about being excluded from a share of Britain’s social security cornucopia.
The 230 previously blocked have included neo-Nazis, Pancake Tuesday Adventists, Flat Earthers, the Minsk-based Basil Brush Holocaust Deniers Fan Club, Iranian football hooligans, Albanian swan-roasters, Mossad terrorist hi-fivers and hamster rights activists.
About 80 of them have been religious extremists who arrived at Heathrow Airport doused in gasoline and already smouldering.
The radical Muslim cleric Homer Bakri Mohammed al-Simpson was eventually banned from the UK after MI6 revealed evidence of his alleged involvement in the attempted Gunpowder Plot of 1605 to blow up the House of Parliament with co-conspirator Mohammed Guy al-Fawkes.
The then Home Secretary Charles ‘Porky’ Clarke used existing powers to exclude Mr. Mohammed as his unwashed presence and galloping halitosis were defined by Scotland Yard as "a potential biological health hazard".
Mohammed, known to friends as Mo’, was forced to fold his tent and duly deported from the UK in 2005, along with Sheikh Rashid al-Nastygit, for being what Immigration Judge Fletcher McTwat diplomatically termed ‘a pair of all-round nasty shit-stirring cunts’.
Patrick Mercer MP and Inayacht Bungusyerwallet say the proposals are another ‘gimmick’ to target anyone who goes against the British norm and stirs up anti-social behaviour by advocating violent methods to change society, which historically seemed to have worked perfectly well on domestic levels in both France and Russia.
Miss. Inayacht Bungusyerwallet is the Media Secretary for the MCB, not to be confused with Defra’s innovative Mole Counting Bureau, but the prestigious Muslim Council of Britain, whose primary purpose isn’t to determine how much Muslims pay in council tax but promote pro-Islamic propaganda.
Sir Darlston Snobbets, MP (Lab) for Dithering, introduced the ‘Barring Bill’ in Parliament earlier this month with the main intent of targeting Middle Eastern Islamic radicals coming to the UK to preach hatred and subversion to young Moslems in the madrasas.
However, opinion from the Conservative benches suggests that Snobbets, a former UK ambassador to Saudi Arabia, may have a personal axe to grind in filing this bill due his innovative Porkies Inc. hi-tech pig farming venture, based in Mecca, going tits-up bankrupt last year.
The BNP’s official news rag ‘The Xenophobe Weekly’, supported the Home Secretary’s announcement enthusiastically. BNP spokesthug Basil Bottomfeeder, a Luton-based tomcat scratcher, told the media “We’re ‘opin’ dis new law is gonna keep all de real dodgy one-eyed ‘ate-mongerin’ gits from der Middle East from comin’ ‘ere an’ preachin’ – er – ‘ate n stuff”.
Currently the number one target on the new Home Office / Immigration Top Ten shit list of ‘extremists’ is Sheikh Mohammed al Mohel, an unemployed Saudi Arabian foreskin trimmer, who has been classed by Smegmadale Community Service Officers as the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ, guilty of preaching nasty chat hate sermons in the town’s fish and chip shops.
Sheikh al-Mohel, who can trace his family bloodline back to the time of the Prophet, and holds hereditary grazing rights to every hotel lobby carpet in the Middle East, has been touring Islamic teaching centres, chippies and kebab chew n spew joints around the UK, flanked by his personal bodyguard of black-robed Tonton Macoutes.
Arrested by immigration agents at weekend, Sheikh al-Mohel is currently being detained in the high security bike shed behind Smegmadale Police Station due the Archer-Aitken Memorial Prison being full of very dodgy ex-politicians.
These will be designed to stop people, including so-called ‘preachers of hate’, stirring up tensions and kick-starting unscheduled riots or World War Two and a half, or an even worse cluster-fuck of Biblical proportions on the shores of Britain’s sacred green and pleasant lands.
Ms. Smith stated to the media that the right to come to Britain was a ‘privilege’ which should not be abused, and it was up to the individual concerned to prove they were loyal to the country by voting Labour and making a large donation to the party coffers.
There have been 230 people barred from entering the UK since 2005, but their identities have been revealed only when they started publicly whingeing about being excluded from a share of Britain’s social security cornucopia.
The 230 previously blocked have included neo-Nazis, Pancake Tuesday Adventists, Flat Earthers, the Minsk-based Basil Brush Holocaust Deniers Fan Club, Iranian football hooligans, Albanian swan-roasters, Mossad terrorist hi-fivers and hamster rights activists.
About 80 of them have been religious extremists who arrived at Heathrow Airport doused in gasoline and already smouldering.
The radical Muslim cleric Homer Bakri Mohammed al-Simpson was eventually banned from the UK after MI6 revealed evidence of his alleged involvement in the attempted Gunpowder Plot of 1605 to blow up the House of Parliament with co-conspirator Mohammed Guy al-Fawkes.
The then Home Secretary Charles ‘Porky’ Clarke used existing powers to exclude Mr. Mohammed as his unwashed presence and galloping halitosis were defined by Scotland Yard as "a potential biological health hazard".
Mohammed, known to friends as Mo’, was forced to fold his tent and duly deported from the UK in 2005, along with Sheikh Rashid al-Nastygit, for being what Immigration Judge Fletcher McTwat diplomatically termed ‘a pair of all-round nasty shit-stirring cunts’.
Patrick Mercer MP and Inayacht Bungusyerwallet say the proposals are another ‘gimmick’ to target anyone who goes against the British norm and stirs up anti-social behaviour by advocating violent methods to change society, which historically seemed to have worked perfectly well on domestic levels in both France and Russia.
Miss. Inayacht Bungusyerwallet is the Media Secretary for the MCB, not to be confused with Defra’s innovative Mole Counting Bureau, but the prestigious Muslim Council of Britain, whose primary purpose isn’t to determine how much Muslims pay in council tax but promote pro-Islamic propaganda.
Sir Darlston Snobbets, MP (Lab) for Dithering, introduced the ‘Barring Bill’ in Parliament earlier this month with the main intent of targeting Middle Eastern Islamic radicals coming to the UK to preach hatred and subversion to young Moslems in the madrasas.
However, opinion from the Conservative benches suggests that Snobbets, a former UK ambassador to Saudi Arabia, may have a personal axe to grind in filing this bill due his innovative Porkies Inc. hi-tech pig farming venture, based in Mecca, going tits-up bankrupt last year.
The BNP’s official news rag ‘The Xenophobe Weekly’, supported the Home Secretary’s announcement enthusiastically. BNP spokesthug Basil Bottomfeeder, a Luton-based tomcat scratcher, told the media “We’re ‘opin’ dis new law is gonna keep all de real dodgy one-eyed ‘ate-mongerin’ gits from der Middle East from comin’ ‘ere an’ preachin’ – er – ‘ate n stuff”.
Currently the number one target on the new Home Office / Immigration Top Ten shit list of ‘extremists’ is Sheikh Mohammed al Mohel, an unemployed Saudi Arabian foreskin trimmer, who has been classed by Smegmadale Community Service Officers as the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ, guilty of preaching nasty chat hate sermons in the town’s fish and chip shops.
Sheikh al-Mohel, who can trace his family bloodline back to the time of the Prophet, and holds hereditary grazing rights to every hotel lobby carpet in the Middle East, has been touring Islamic teaching centres, chippies and kebab chew n spew joints around the UK, flanked by his personal bodyguard of black-robed Tonton Macoutes.
Arrested by immigration agents at weekend, Sheikh al-Mohel is currently being detained in the high security bike shed behind Smegmadale Police Station due the Archer-Aitken Memorial Prison being full of very dodgy ex-politicians.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Mass Annihilation of Wild Dingbat Pupils
Ninety percent of a graduating class at the exclusive St. Sodom the Dingbat boys school at Wallamaroo, Australia, have been wiped out in a retaliatory SWAT policing action while participating in a series of end of term ‘burn and pillage’ hi-jinx pranks around the sedate country town.
Up to 220 of 250 Year Twelve students at the St. Sodom the Dingbat Academy for Boys and Bruces were allegedly killed by the SWAT team, with the remaining 30 pupils suffering gunshot and shrapnel wounds plus severe burns when the SWAT team’s gunships strafed the campus with M134 Gatling fire and napalmed the school’s pole dancing club.
The trouble began at lunchtime on Monday with the start of the graduating Year Twelve student’s "muck-up day", an unofficial tradition of taking part in end-of-term pranks and other activities.
What, in years past, has been a relatively quiet affair, with a few fireworks thrown and the odd debagging or vomiting incident after a spot too much absinthe, this year’s muck-up day quickly evolved into a Viking-style rampage from the college gates into the centre of Wallamaroo.
There the police station was levelled with satchel charges and the local supermarket gutted of every available alcoholic beverage, with the shift manager crucified against the DIY counter.
The packs of marauding students were led by Trev’ Anaconda, eldest ranga son of feared Melbourne drug baron Bluey Anaconda, who is currently serving nine consecutive life sentences for biting the heads off DEA officers and being an all round nasty twat.
The students, aged 17 and 18, kicked off on the school campus with a crack coke and fermented kangaroo piss chasers session then took umbrage with the Dean of College when he tried to intervene and reproached their bawdy behaviour as unbecoming after they stripped to their birthday suits and daubed themselves with fresh blood siphoned off the school’s platypus mascot, Blinkie.
After the Dean had been hung, drawn and quartered, and his intestines stretched out and fed to the school’s dingo pack, the students looted the school armoury of it’s automatic weapons arsenal and proceeded into Wallamaroo, petrol-bombing the newly-renovated Balaclava Heights railway station as they passed.
The students’ behaviour was described by SWAT team leader Bruce Pigsticker as wholly unacceptable for an end-of-term display of antics and pranks.
“I blame it all on these Playstation and X-Box games. Too much gratuitous violence available in the home environment for youngsters in my opinion."
"They need to see the results of their aggressive fantasies up close and personal like I did when I was a young copper. Three years in the vice squad as a tunnel rat in Sydney, now that was an eye-opener. We had a set quota to bring in the bollocks of at least ten Greek and Maltese pimps and drug dealers a week". Now that was character-building".
The end of term exams, due to begin next week for the Year Twelve students, (who are reputed to pay lots and lots of money in fees annually to attend the Roman Catholic asylum) have been cancelled owing to a lack of live pupils.
The funerals will take place on Tuesday, with the dead students being interred in a mass grave currently undergoing excavation behind the charred remains of the cricket pavilion. Friends and relatives only. No flowers.
Up to 220 of 250 Year Twelve students at the St. Sodom the Dingbat Academy for Boys and Bruces were allegedly killed by the SWAT team, with the remaining 30 pupils suffering gunshot and shrapnel wounds plus severe burns when the SWAT team’s gunships strafed the campus with M134 Gatling fire and napalmed the school’s pole dancing club.
The trouble began at lunchtime on Monday with the start of the graduating Year Twelve student’s "muck-up day", an unofficial tradition of taking part in end-of-term pranks and other activities.
What, in years past, has been a relatively quiet affair, with a few fireworks thrown and the odd debagging or vomiting incident after a spot too much absinthe, this year’s muck-up day quickly evolved into a Viking-style rampage from the college gates into the centre of Wallamaroo.
There the police station was levelled with satchel charges and the local supermarket gutted of every available alcoholic beverage, with the shift manager crucified against the DIY counter.
The packs of marauding students were led by Trev’ Anaconda, eldest ranga son of feared Melbourne drug baron Bluey Anaconda, who is currently serving nine consecutive life sentences for biting the heads off DEA officers and being an all round nasty twat.
The students, aged 17 and 18, kicked off on the school campus with a crack coke and fermented kangaroo piss chasers session then took umbrage with the Dean of College when he tried to intervene and reproached their bawdy behaviour as unbecoming after they stripped to their birthday suits and daubed themselves with fresh blood siphoned off the school’s platypus mascot, Blinkie.
After the Dean had been hung, drawn and quartered, and his intestines stretched out and fed to the school’s dingo pack, the students looted the school armoury of it’s automatic weapons arsenal and proceeded into Wallamaroo, petrol-bombing the newly-renovated Balaclava Heights railway station as they passed.
The students’ behaviour was described by SWAT team leader Bruce Pigsticker as wholly unacceptable for an end-of-term display of antics and pranks.
“I blame it all on these Playstation and X-Box games. Too much gratuitous violence available in the home environment for youngsters in my opinion."
"They need to see the results of their aggressive fantasies up close and personal like I did when I was a young copper. Three years in the vice squad as a tunnel rat in Sydney, now that was an eye-opener. We had a set quota to bring in the bollocks of at least ten Greek and Maltese pimps and drug dealers a week". Now that was character-building".
The end of term exams, due to begin next week for the Year Twelve students, (who are reputed to pay lots and lots of money in fees annually to attend the Roman Catholic asylum) have been cancelled owing to a lack of live pupils.
The funerals will take place on Tuesday, with the dead students being interred in a mass grave currently undergoing excavation behind the charred remains of the cricket pavilion. Friends and relatives only. No flowers.
Friday, 24 October 2008
British Courts Despair at EU Extradition Requests
The number of asinine extradition cases being dealt with in UK courts has reached record levels, fuelled by the number of ‘trivial’ requests from around the World that have pissed police authorities right off and clogged up an already pathetic and dawdling legal system.
Up to 6,000 extradition cases are expected to have been dealt with by the end of 2008, more than double the number last year, four times the number in 2006, ten times the number in 1998 and eight thousand, two hundred and forty-four times the number in 1583, according to figures from Smegmadale magistrates court, which handles all extradition hearings after the pubs close. (excluding Sundays and Bank Holidays)
The huge increase is largely down to the volume of European arrest warrants (EAWs) being issued by the old brain-dead ex-Soviet bloc states, with Poland, Lithuania and Bulgaria topping the list.
EAWs, requiring the arrest and extradition of suspects from one EU country to another, are being used by Poland for a “large volume of frivolous extradition requests", according to Detective Sergeant Gary Clunt of Smegmadale’s Extradition Unit.
He estimated that 40% of all extradition cases dealt with originated from former Russian satellite nations, adding that many of the offences were so minor they would lead to either a slap round the head with a dead kipper or a community service order of having to stand in the corner all weekend in England and Wales; and perhaps a more severe penalty of twenty lashes followed by tar and feathering under Scotland’s austere and draconian laws.
In one recent instance a Cracow carpenter who fitted wardrobe doors and then removed them when the client (police chief Rotta Shitzwanker) failed to pay him, was subject to an extradition request by Poland so that they could try him for ‘theft’. The extradition was refused when the Smegmadale District Judge, Ephriam Gluttocks, decided the removal of the doors couldn’t be classified as a simple open and shut case.
In another incident the Polish authorities filed for the extradition of a suspect for theft of a supermarket tinned dessert. "The European arrest warrant contained a list of the supposed ingredients and looked rather tasty until I tried one and found it was all sawdust and rhubarb”, Sergeant Clunt told reporters. “I was shitting firewood for a week after".
Following in Poland’s footsteps for barmy requests is Lithuania, one of whose nationals was extradited in August on a charge of ‘piglet-rustling’, which carries a maximum death penalty sentence in their own medieval courts. Apparently this was a first offence and the nine-year old accused schoolboy was treated with leniency and bound over to stay away from bacon for six months.
According to Sergeant Clunt the volume of cases from ex-Soviet bloc countries has forced the Smegmadale extradition court to start chartering extra transport to return suspects to Poland and Lithuania. "We now arrange for a couple of Poland’s ‘Cracow Cruiser’ bendy buses twice a week”, Clunt informed the press.
But while potty Poland is not the only culprit, it has been, to date, the origin of the most numerous and idiotic requests by far. France came a close second in March when it filed an extradition order against the infamous Marseille serial snail strangler who had fled to Britain to evade capture.
Switzerland filed an curious yet absurd oddity in April for a fugitive cuckoo molester from the alpine clock-making town of Tock, just being beaten to the winning post in the silly ratings by Denmark, who filed the notoriously-laughable request against Jurgen Pilluk, wanted by Copenhagen police for unscrewing and filching the nipples of the celebrated Little Mermaid bronze statue at Langelinie during low tide.
Need a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ Card? Buy a Polish Monopoly game.
Up to 6,000 extradition cases are expected to have been dealt with by the end of 2008, more than double the number last year, four times the number in 2006, ten times the number in 1998 and eight thousand, two hundred and forty-four times the number in 1583, according to figures from Smegmadale magistrates court, which handles all extradition hearings after the pubs close. (excluding Sundays and Bank Holidays)
The huge increase is largely down to the volume of European arrest warrants (EAWs) being issued by the old brain-dead ex-Soviet bloc states, with Poland, Lithuania and Bulgaria topping the list.
EAWs, requiring the arrest and extradition of suspects from one EU country to another, are being used by Poland for a “large volume of frivolous extradition requests", according to Detective Sergeant Gary Clunt of Smegmadale’s Extradition Unit.
He estimated that 40% of all extradition cases dealt with originated from former Russian satellite nations, adding that many of the offences were so minor they would lead to either a slap round the head with a dead kipper or a community service order of having to stand in the corner all weekend in England and Wales; and perhaps a more severe penalty of twenty lashes followed by tar and feathering under Scotland’s austere and draconian laws.
In one recent instance a Cracow carpenter who fitted wardrobe doors and then removed them when the client (police chief Rotta Shitzwanker) failed to pay him, was subject to an extradition request by Poland so that they could try him for ‘theft’. The extradition was refused when the Smegmadale District Judge, Ephriam Gluttocks, decided the removal of the doors couldn’t be classified as a simple open and shut case.
In another incident the Polish authorities filed for the extradition of a suspect for theft of a supermarket tinned dessert. "The European arrest warrant contained a list of the supposed ingredients and looked rather tasty until I tried one and found it was all sawdust and rhubarb”, Sergeant Clunt told reporters. “I was shitting firewood for a week after".
Following in Poland’s footsteps for barmy requests is Lithuania, one of whose nationals was extradited in August on a charge of ‘piglet-rustling’, which carries a maximum death penalty sentence in their own medieval courts. Apparently this was a first offence and the nine-year old accused schoolboy was treated with leniency and bound over to stay away from bacon for six months.
According to Sergeant Clunt the volume of cases from ex-Soviet bloc countries has forced the Smegmadale extradition court to start chartering extra transport to return suspects to Poland and Lithuania. "We now arrange for a couple of Poland’s ‘Cracow Cruiser’ bendy buses twice a week”, Clunt informed the press.
But while potty Poland is not the only culprit, it has been, to date, the origin of the most numerous and idiotic requests by far. France came a close second in March when it filed an extradition order against the infamous Marseille serial snail strangler who had fled to Britain to evade capture.
Switzerland filed an curious yet absurd oddity in April for a fugitive cuckoo molester from the alpine clock-making town of Tock, just being beaten to the winning post in the silly ratings by Denmark, who filed the notoriously-laughable request against Jurgen Pilluk, wanted by Copenhagen police for unscrewing and filching the nipples of the celebrated Little Mermaid bronze statue at Langelinie during low tide.
Need a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ Card? Buy a Polish Monopoly game.
Thursday, 23 October 2008
US and UK to Disband Military Forces
In a shock and awe statement to the press this morning President Brush, accompanied at the podium by UK Sub-Prime Minister Gordon Brown, declared that the two countries had mutually agreed to disband their respective military forces forthwith.
Citing the reasons for their actions Brown explained that due the current credit crunch and galloping recession, the US and UK could no longer afford to maintain their military machines and fight multiple wars on a global battlefront.
“It’s so much cheaper now to turn the entire thing over to privatised military contractors and let them get on with it”, Brown told the media.
“They simply invoice us at the end of every month for the costs of whatever war they’ve started and we meet those charges with a rise in fuel, booze and tobacco duties”.
“Obviously we’ll hold an annual oversight audit to make sure they keep their activities centred around the Third World, so none of the contractors get carried away and invade somewhere entirely inappropriate, like Switzerland or the Vatican state, solely as an excuse for a spot of remunerative pillaging and looting.”
With the doors of free market enterprise for RentaWar now being thrown open to all and sundry, the major established private military contractors (PMC’s) such as Aegis, Sandline and Blackwanker Security, who have in the past made a killing (sic) from their participation in the joint US/UK illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and elsewhere, will now face tough opposition when tendering bids for the next upcoming conflicts as various UK High Street retail giants plan to climb on the bandwagon.
The PMC’s experienced military intelligence operatives have, to date, possessed the requisite knowledge to second guess where and when Mossad’s zionist loonies were likely to pull another 9/11 or 7/7 stint, or detonate one more Bali-style micro-nuke to kick start their next false flag operation with a bang major and force-feed the desired conflagration, such as the hoped-for invasion of Iran or possibly World War III. With that prior knowledge they had a permanent pre-emptive foot under the lid of Pandora’s box.
Now, however, they must face a home front of stiff, albeit amateur, competition, all vying for their fair share of the blood and guts market. Ratsco Extra and Dinglebury’s today launched a joint recruitment campaign, signing up every Tom, Dick and Harry, or Harriet, who had read an Andy McNob or Chris Ryan novel, as mercenary troops for their newly-formed Wars-R-Us retail military agency.
Barry Headbanger, a former Mothercare bouncer, now the official spokesman for Ratsco Extra’s ‘War’ division, told reporters “It’s a huge potential world-wide market for conflicts and we want our share of the blood spilling. Anybody signing up for a tour of overseas active service at one of our branches this morning automatically earns a thousand points on their in-store loyalty card and gets a free hi-viz stab jacket.”
General Sir Digby Fernsworth-Twat, Commander of the Allied Forces / Afghanistan, speaking on conditions of anonymity in Bellend Province, was interviewed today by Lenny Crunt, of Body Bags Weekly Review, concerning this morning’s official announcement.
“What a splendid all-round strategy. Now the Taliban can form their own PMC agency and sign up to fight each other. We can arrange a turn-key basis contract with them so they only get paid on their body counts. That should provide an incentive for shooting each other, what ho”.
Citing the reasons for their actions Brown explained that due the current credit crunch and galloping recession, the US and UK could no longer afford to maintain their military machines and fight multiple wars on a global battlefront.
“It’s so much cheaper now to turn the entire thing over to privatised military contractors and let them get on with it”, Brown told the media.
“They simply invoice us at the end of every month for the costs of whatever war they’ve started and we meet those charges with a rise in fuel, booze and tobacco duties”.
“Obviously we’ll hold an annual oversight audit to make sure they keep their activities centred around the Third World, so none of the contractors get carried away and invade somewhere entirely inappropriate, like Switzerland or the Vatican state, solely as an excuse for a spot of remunerative pillaging and looting.”
With the doors of free market enterprise for RentaWar now being thrown open to all and sundry, the major established private military contractors (PMC’s) such as Aegis, Sandline and Blackwanker Security, who have in the past made a killing (sic) from their participation in the joint US/UK illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and elsewhere, will now face tough opposition when tendering bids for the next upcoming conflicts as various UK High Street retail giants plan to climb on the bandwagon.
The PMC’s experienced military intelligence operatives have, to date, possessed the requisite knowledge to second guess where and when Mossad’s zionist loonies were likely to pull another 9/11 or 7/7 stint, or detonate one more Bali-style micro-nuke to kick start their next false flag operation with a bang major and force-feed the desired conflagration, such as the hoped-for invasion of Iran or possibly World War III. With that prior knowledge they had a permanent pre-emptive foot under the lid of Pandora’s box.
Now, however, they must face a home front of stiff, albeit amateur, competition, all vying for their fair share of the blood and guts market. Ratsco Extra and Dinglebury’s today launched a joint recruitment campaign, signing up every Tom, Dick and Harry, or Harriet, who had read an Andy McNob or Chris Ryan novel, as mercenary troops for their newly-formed Wars-R-Us retail military agency.
Barry Headbanger, a former Mothercare bouncer, now the official spokesman for Ratsco Extra’s ‘War’ division, told reporters “It’s a huge potential world-wide market for conflicts and we want our share of the blood spilling. Anybody signing up for a tour of overseas active service at one of our branches this morning automatically earns a thousand points on their in-store loyalty card and gets a free hi-viz stab jacket.”
General Sir Digby Fernsworth-Twat, Commander of the Allied Forces / Afghanistan, speaking on conditions of anonymity in Bellend Province, was interviewed today by Lenny Crunt, of Body Bags Weekly Review, concerning this morning’s official announcement.
“What a splendid all-round strategy. Now the Taliban can form their own PMC agency and sign up to fight each other. We can arrange a turn-key basis contract with them so they only get paid on their body counts. That should provide an incentive for shooting each other, what ho”.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)