Potty Training for Pisshead Plods

In today's 'Let's Kick Some Establishment Ass' nasty news roundup we bring our readers the latest and greatest hot gossip topic: ‘Plod Squad Sleaze' – a timely scandalous exposé of 'Uniformed Police Criminality' from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – publishing, as always, 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand-forged, crafted and tempered into razor-edged bespoke satire and parody to sate the palates of all budding anti-authoritarian non-conformists, proto-nihilists and those eclectic career radical, pro-justice, anarchist revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg recusant bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial - and harbour zero respect or empathy for the privilege-abusing arrogant authoritarian 0:01% predatory paedo' elitist Masonic-Satanist oligarchy – aka the Deep State Sabbatean death cult Corporatocracy - cursed by their exaggerated sense of entitlement and greed – who, imprudently, have deluded themselves into believing they rule this world, and all upon its once-pristine mantle.

Following a ‘pisshead’s delight’ bottomless brunch binge in the York town centre’s Vodka Revolution bar, off-duty WPC Amelia Shearer, 24, and her equally-vulgarian dipso’ buddy, Slagella McTwatt, chugged down two jeroboams of prosecco, three pint mugs apiece of Old Headbanger lager, plus half a flagon of Jack Daniels n coke, then staggered off down the street and into the upscale Urban Outfitters, where, flashing her police warrant card, Shearer demanded to use the bogs – only to be curtly informed the premises’ toilets were for staff use only.

Upon being so informed, Shearer nipped into a changing cubicle and took a piss on the carpeted floor – an anti-social act noted by the store’s gob-smacked staff and reported to the City of York plodsters – who arrived on the scene and arrested one of their own - on a charge of causing public outrage.

Cleveland Police, one of the country's most troubled uniformed forces, and almost as fucked up as the London Met’ – had the case reviewed at an internal disciplinary hearing, where the disciplinary panel's chairperson, Ms Oga-henhouse Unpronounceable, post-hearing, informed a gaggle of gutter press hacks that while allegations of discreditable conduct, and breaches of honesty and integrity were proven - Shearer was a mere 24 years old and there existed opportunity for her to be potty trained, and hence copped a mere probationary warning – on the grounds she had only taken a pee and didn’t download her bowels and drop a pile of shit in the cubicle.

Regardless of deliberating over Shearer’s continued plod squad employment for seven hours, and the disciplinary panel misguidedly deciding she should be given a second chance – by attending mandatory courses of ‘potty training’ and Yoga / Kegel bladder control exercises – one concerned City of York councillor, Denise Craghill, who is currently campaigning for a summit to address drunken misbehaviour in the historic city, publicly stated to media hacks that in her unqualified opinion, WPC Shearer was not a suitable person to be a Plod Squad officer.

Hmmm, so much for police misconduct hearings – albeit Shearer’s misdemeanour wasn’t quite on the same dirty low-down scale of the March 2021 Sarah Everard abduction, rape, and murder offence degree of PC Wayne Couzens - but it all starts with the lesser offences and abuse of rank n privilege, and this exaggerated sense of entitlement and authority – deluding themselves they are untouchable and can take a leak anywhere – or kidnap, rape and murder helpless women - then lie under oath – and still remain in uniform.

At the last count, a shocking 200-plus serving plods in Broken Britain currently have convictions for criminal offences - including assault, burglary, drug possession, animal cruelty – and ‘murder’.

The gospel according to data released under the Freedom of Information Act, plod squad forces across the country employ at least 211 officers and PCSO pretend plods who are guilty of an astounding inventory of crimes.

Conversely, the actual number is certain to be higher, as just a third of the UK’s regional forces complied with the F of Info’ requests and revealed how many of their officers have criminal convictions, with a majority tendering the piss poor excuse that it would cost too much to retrieve the information – and to add insult to injury, the National Police Chiefs' Council (NPCC) informed one gutter press hack from the Uniformed Villainy Gazette that having a criminal record had, quote: ‘never been an automatic bar to joining the Plod Squad.’ 

The Police Service of Northern Ireland – the very same shithole that once fielded the notorious ‘B Specials’ – admitted that 99 serving officers had received criminal convictions while employed by the force. The offences included death by careless driving, common assault, harassment, and possession of a firearm, plus drunk in charge of a firearm.

North Wales Police admitted 20 police officers and 5 PCSOs have criminal convictions, including a sergeant convicted of assault, two officers guilty of drug possession and two officers convicted of cruelty to animals.

Kent Police affirmed 22 serving officers have been convicted of crimes, including 5 officers ranked ‘inspector or above’ - with offences including common assault, criminal damage and drink driving.

A figure of 14 criminals in uniform was declared by the Avon and Somerset Police, with officers having convictions for crimes of assault, burglary, theft and obtaining money by deception.

Dorset Police admitted 7 officers have criminal convictions, including a constable convicted of burglary and ABH, and one constable guilty of causing unnecessary cruelty to a protected animal.

Devon and Cornwall Police affirmed that 9 serving police constables have convictions for crimes, including drink driving and Data Protection Act offences.

Norfolk Police conceded that 3 officers have criminal convictions, including a constable guilty of battery, and another constable convicted of possessing an imitation firearm in a public place.

Cheshire Police admitted that 18 serving police officers or PCSO ‘plastic plods’ have been convicted of crimes, but refused to reveal further details, claiming such would breach the Data Protection Act – and be an embarrassment.

For the public record, all of the afore-mentioned plod squad offenders had their names entered into the index of the national Plod Squad’s ‘Big Black Naughty Book’.

Ergo, so Shearer’s getting shitfaced while off-duty, and pissing on some clothing store’s changing cubicle’s carpeted floor, has to be considered a ‘minor offence’ with regard to the depths of criminal depravity offences actually committed by her contemporary boys - and girls – in blue.

But when we direct closer scrutiny at the Food Bank Britain’s Plod Squad overall, it is chocker with all manner of control freak psycho breeds – onanists who get off on acts of intimidation, and tasering old age pensioners - and children – and dogs – and assaulting faultless and inoffensive middle-aged members of the public with a steel asp baton – blind-sided from behind – then brutally shoving them to the ground – inflicting such trauma that they keeled over and expired their mortal coil mere minutes after such an assault – and here we are referencing the ‘unlawful killing’ of Big Issue vendor Ian Tomlinson, an innocent passer-by during the 2009 April Fool’s Day G20 summit protests, by PC Slimy Simon Harwood of the Met’s TSG Renta-Thug Squad – a crime for which the court prosecution penalty was a slap on the wrist.

Allergy warning: for readers suffering from HSS (Hypersensitive Snowflake Syndrome) – there is no known EpiPen medication remedy for adverse reactions to the 'politically incorrect' – aka 'the Truth'.

This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane unorthodox irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour and caffeine-boosted public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references, 5G electrosmog radiation, and a chemtrail residue of genetically-modified nano-particle bush telegraph innuendo.