In today’s ‘Five Mile High Fight Club' expose edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from our punch-drunk pugilist media correspondent, Billy Bob McThugg, manning the live news ringside sat-phone hotline from aboard United Scarelines Flight 666 from the Windy City to Kentucky for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Thanks to the 'snafu-in-the-making' airline industry-wide of practice of overbooking, United Scarelines yesterday established a booby prize-winning benchmark for redefining the meaning of a Biblical scale knock-on public relations catastrophe – almost (but no quite) on a par with US President Donald Chump ordering the illegal gung-ho 59-hit Tomahawk cruise missile strike on Syria last week - after his self-opinionated 'blonde moment' bimbo of a daughter, Iwanka, copped a dose of the crocodile tear weepies while viewing the CIA's doctored Shite Helmet footage of the Idlib Province false flag chemical weapons attack – and her Mossad 'sayanim' asset husband, Jared, joining Neo-Con cronies T Rex Tillerson and the Pentagon's rabid 'Mad Dog' Mattis - prompted an advisory "Tell your Dad to go bomb the shit outa Assad".
What should have been a simple PR exercise rapidly morphed into a total mess of pottage battle-front fire fight fubar when senior airline stewardess, Glenda McNasty - the troll in charge of cabin affairs on Flight 666 from the Windy City's O'Scare International Airport to Louisville, Kentucky - made a pre-flight cabin announcement for volunteers to give up their seats for the airline staff - offering $400 bucks (£322 quid ) per person and a guaranteed onward flight to their destinations within two hours.
As no one 'volunteered', McNasty upped the ante to $800 bucks (£645 nicker) per passenger – then when no fucker or their dog agreed to leave the flight, she selected four passengers via the established 'Eeny, meeny, miny, moe' algorithm method - as opposed to the preferred 'Scissors, Paper, Stone' random pick n mix process.
Three of the passengers 'fingered' by McNasty reluctantly disembarked, but the fourth refused, stating for the public record he was a doctor and had patients scheduled for treatment at his Louisville hospital.
At this point Ms McNasty – a former Guantanamo Bay prison guard – summoned the brutal services of the airport's aviation department's Redneck Renta-Thug Security Agency – and instructed the three uniformed morons who turned up to "Grab the gook" – pointing out the defiant Dr Fuk Yew Tu – at which the lead security guard, Chuck 'Pitbull' Gnasher, laid violent hands upon the hapless Asian physician, shouting "We remember Vietnam n the fall of Saigon, you Cong scumbag – now get your bony ass the fuck off this plane before I beat the living shit out of your gook slope head."
To the 'shock n awe' horror of fellow passengers and companion Mr Sum Dum Fuk, the bloodied Dr Tu was dragged, kicking and screaming, along the aisle and booted through the hatch and down the boarding stairs onto the tarmac – where he received another series of size 12 Redwing kicks to the ribs – for good measure.
In the aftermath of what might prove the worst US of A PR exercise since introducing Japan to emerging nuclear technology back in August 1945, United Scarelines Chief Executive Arsehole, Oscar Munoz, skipped the presumed 'sincere apology' bit, and speaking to one gutter press hack from the red top Barbarians Gazette - leaving out any semblance of hyphenated platitudes – then stated with typical brazen hubris that employees had followed established procedures for dealing with uppity gooks who decline offered incentives, then turned disruptive and belligerent and refused to give up their seats on overbooked domestic flights.
"The gook prick should have just taken the fucking money – same as all the other greedy scum punters we have to fly around the country and who follow our involuntary denial of boarding process when offered up to $1,000 greenbacks in compensation – then he wouldn't have been set on by our attack dog security crew in order to gain his compliance."
Under skewed US of A regulations – obviously taking a copycat page from the Rothshite Federal Reserve scam of 'fractional reserve banking' (loaning out ten times – plus - their on account deposits) - airlines are allowed to flog off more tickets than seats on a plane, and routinely overbook flights due the fact passengers don't turn up.
Hence – unlike banks who gamble on sub-prime mortgage debt swaps and go under big time then declare insolvency - airlines actually offer travel vouchers to encourage people to give up their seats – but there are zero hard n fast rules to govern the process.
When the likes of United Scarelines demand that a passenger give up a seat, the airline is required to pay double the passenger's one-way fare, up to $675 bucks (£544 quid) provided the passenger is put on a flight that arrives within one to two hours of the original – with the compensation ante being boosted to four times the ticket price - up to $1,350 - for longer delays.
Further, if passengers are 'requested' to give up their confirmed seats and rebooked onto other flights, airlines are required to give those travellers a written description of their compensation rights – and 'not' drag them down the aisle of the plane – blood splattered and screaming quotes from the US Constitution - in full sight of other terrified passengers.
Ja'ackoff Slickstein, spokesman for Chicago's aviation department, informed media hacks that “The incidence on United Scarelines Flight 666 was not in accordance with our standard operating procedure and the actions of the aviation security thugs are obviously not condoned by our department – and the Redneck Security hoodlum who grabbed and beat up the American-Vietnamese passenger, Dr Fuk Yew Tu, has been sent back to the lunatic asylum."
Last year, United Scareways forced 3,765 people off oversold flights and another 62,895 of their passengers volunteered to give up their seats in exchange for travel vouchers.
SleazyJet, which operates flights under the United Express, American Beagle and Icarus Air brands, had the highest rate of 'bumping' (sic) passengers in 2016. Among the largest carriers Plummet Airlines had the highest rate, followed by Shit-Outa-Luck Airways.
Then we have the likes of Simon Fuckwit - travel correspondent for Broken Britain's Independent news rag – penning a piece titled 'Can an airline really treat passengers like this?'
Que? WTF? Can they? Er, they just did, dummy. So boycott the bastards. There again - hey, welcome to Donald Chump's 'America'.
Have you been offered an incentive to give up your airline seat – such as not getting the shit kicked out of you by zero IQ uniformed airline security thugs?
The next time you book an economy ticket with United Scarelines, remember you could inadvertently be flying Punch-Up class
Meanwhile, Flatbrokes, Broken Britain's ubiquitous High Street bookies, are offering 50-1 odds-on that attorneys from Ambulance Chaser Law.com will be queuing up to represent kicked n beaten passenger Dr Fuk Yew Tu on a 'no win – no fee' basis - and suing United Scarelines for a seven-figure compo' claim.
Thought for the day. Fly United Scareways. Board as a doctor – leave as a patient – next stop 'intense care'.
No shit – Fly the Friendly Skies' mantra is totally fucked. You'd be safer in Syria's Idlib Province and risk getting caught up in a false flag sarin nerve gas attack.
Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-39563570
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/04/10/shock-man-forcibly-removed-overbooked-flight/
http://rustyskewednewsviews.blogspot.co.uk/
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness. An anti-authoritarian counter-culture news sheet and free radical alternative media source not owned by Raving Rupert Mudrock's News Corp and the ultra-racist ZioNazi Edomite Mafia 'Kosher Nostra' crime syndicate - and committed to the relay of open source information – plus 'hopefully' immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence - (unless one has the audacity to dare expose, name and shame the membership ranks of Scotland's Masonic Speculative Society 'Nonce Ponce' Magic Circle arse bandit / Violate BD/SM Club VIP (Very Important Pederast) kiddie fiddling Edinburgh / Balmoral / Glencoe / Aberdeen-based cabal – along with their Westminster and Holyrood Parliament / Crown Office / Secret Squirrel Security Services sodomite - paedo-enablers / cover-up protectors).
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