Far from the Madding, Moral Crowd

In this morning’s ‘Bonny Nonceland Satanist Paedo Cult Expose’ cryptic message edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Residents of Cringemore Hamlets - built in the early Noughties at the Criminalgate Estate to exploit its pristine isolation value location on the hillside above Loch McNonce in the Scaberdeenshire Highlands - enjoy what they claim is the nearest thing to Utopia on Earth – a commune where tranquil peace and quiet prevails – and, being so far from the madding, moral crowd – and whatever passes as an excuse for law and order in Scotland - anything goes.

The community's landlord, Sir William Hopeless - aka Viscount Pearshaped, is the incumbent Laird of north-east Scaberdeenshire's A-listed Criminalgate Estate and it's 14th century Nonce Manor – and too a Worshipful secret handshake 33rd Degree Brother of Nonceland's elitist Masonic Speculative Society – (Peterhead's Tartan Tadgers Paedo Lodge 666) – and sadly the last of his perverted line – as all children to date are reported to have drowned in the nearby Loch of Strathberg.

Doubtless the establishment and maintenance of any idealist ‘Promised Land’ is obviously governed by certain rules and regulations that to some might well appear as dystopian – and draconic - as only those with Freemasonic links are granted the title deeds for their properties - yet oddly prohibited from keeping ducks, rabbits, pigeons, bees, Ukrainian mail-order brides or Thai ladyboys.

Households are allowed to have one dog (small and of the non-barking variety) – or a cuddly she-moggy (ginger-mingin tomcats prohibited) - but controversially all bairns under the age of 18 to be fostered at the Estate Warden's Catamites Corner gate lodge.

While one leftist estate agent described the community as inhabited by kiddie-bumming Satanist ogres, to qualify to own a property at Cringemore Hamlets you must be over 50 years of age, with all female residents having to produce a medical certificate to prove they are menopausal and well past child-bearing age.

Retired Dunblane cormorant strangler, Hector Watt McTwat, confided to one gutter press hack from the Misanthropist's Gazette that the child-free element was what attracted him and wife Medusa to the 69-home development. “There’s no screamin’ brats ter piss yer off or come around annoyin’ an’ mitherin’ when yer busy polishin’ bird crap off yer pet tortoise - or creostin’ yer wooden leg ter stop the death watch beetle.”

Ms Chlamydia Major, consulting Masonic Dark Arts Witch and political seer for Nicola McKrankie's 'Wee Nippy' SNP (Scottish Nonce Protectors) government -and author of the best-selling ‘The Life and Times of a Ferryhill Broomstick Jockey’ – who retired from her post as a 'teacher' at Hampstead's infamous Christ Church Primary School for Latter Day Catamites and purchased a property at Pederast Terraces when the community was originally developed in a 2000 joint venture undertaken by Viscount Hopeless and Sheriff Buchanan Builders, revealed during an interview on Channel 7’s ‘Headbanger’s Half-Hour’ programme last year “It’s so very isolated and quiet here that I had to buy a new ‘whisper mode’ personal jackrabbit vibrator. The other was that noisy it was disturbing my next door neighbour, Winnie, who could hear it buzzing away when I was giving myself one up the jacksy in bed at night.”

“Anyway, adult sex aids besides, we just have a corner shop here that fortunately sells C-cell vibe batteries – but no big Greedy Grocer Pestco or Pukesburys supermarkets – plus there’s only the one pub up on the hill about a mile away – the Sheep Shaggers Arms - and you can’t get served if you’re under 50 – so that keeps all the riff-raff Yuppie types out – and visitors have to leave their children with our Estate Warden, DC Alan Low, at the gate lodge when they arrive – for safe keeping.”

“Disregarding the asinine restraints of political correctness, we also have our community guarded 24/7 with patrolling security from the G4S Renta-Thug agency - and a huge sign at the estate’s entrance stating 'No Scumbag Nosy Commoners Allowed'.

“While our master lease agreements have been challenged in court by couples with kiddies, we are still able to deny residence and ensure the community isn't inundated with rug-munching dykes or effeminate faggot types – or educationally sub-normal window-lickers."
"No brainless yobs or lager lout scallies or chavs either - nor nasty pit bull terriers trying to bite your leg off when you go out for a walk – and no dogshit on the lawns. And best of all, no screaming rug rats now that awkward Docherty bunch and their sprogs have done a moonlight to Ireland. Very unsociable people – refused to accept Lucifer as the one true God - and rebuffed DC Alan Low from taking charge of their kiddies down at his gate lodge kindergarten."

Are you fed up living in Asbo Central and waking up of a morning to find the front door kicked in, your best Sunday-wear tartan kilt missing from the washing line - and a bunch of Albanian swan-roasting pikeys squatting in your garden shed?
Would you like to move out of your current city overspill ‘Grotty Ghetto’ sink or swim council estate and live in Cringemore Hamlets – and have Criminalgate's Estate Warden, the fingers-deficient DC Alan Low, look after the kiddies while you and the missus take a well-earned break and learn all about Satan worship and ritual blood sacrifices?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a freehold tenancy to a property in our elite Highland ‘Hermit’s Corner’ housing development – and all for a one-off down payment price of your firstborn (under 12 male or female acceptable – must be virgin).

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness. An anti-authoritarian counter-culture news sheet and free radical alternative media source not owned by Raving Rupert Mudrock's News Corp and the ultra-racist ZioNazi Edomite Mafia 'Kosher Nostra' crime syndicate - and committed to the relay of open source information – plus 'hopefully' immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence - (unless one has the audacity to dare expose, name and shame the membership ranks of Scotland's Masonic Speculative Society 'Nonce Ponce' Magic Circle arse bandit / Violate BD/SM Club kiddie fiddling cabal – along with their Holyrood Parliament / Crown Office / Secret Squirrel Security Services sodomite - paedo-enablers / cover-up protectors).