Dickhead New Met Plod Squad Boss

In this morning's 'Incompetence Pays' expose special we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from our covert whistle-blowing mole – Sgt Ron McSnitch, reporting 'heard it on the grapevine' tittle-tattle and Chinese whispers around the Scotland Yard 'pig sty' for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, who says incompetence doesn't pay? The Nasty Party's Home Secretary, Amber Crudd, has confirmed the promotion of Cressida Dickhead to the post of Metropolitan Police Commissioner - the first split-arsed cop to take charge of London's 'Police Farce' – and succeeds Scouse scrote, Sir Bernard Hulk Hogan-Hopeless, who mismanaged the force from 2011 and now slopes off to a long-overdue retirement.

Interviewed by the Control Freaks Review, Sir Bernard described his replacement as 'a woman' and opined she was welcome to the thankless task of trying to arrest and prosecute House of Conmans MPs and the untouchable Freemason Vermin in Ermine peers in the Upper House of Frauds for their kiddie fiddling paedophile crimes.

Likewise London's reviled 'Remaniac' Mayor, Sadiq Khan, added "Cressida Dickhead is the first female (sic) Commissioner of the Metropolitan Plod Squad and the best possible choice to arrest US President Donald Chump if he dares come here to my city on a state visit."

The Common Purpose indoctrinated Ms Dickhead - co-founder of Oxford's Dragon School Halitosis Club, along with fellow student Fellattia 'Bad Breath' Gamaruche – previously headed the national policing lead on counter-terrorism - whose infamous 2005 Operation Fubar ridded London of Brazilian sparkies and most anyone else who could mend a fuse or repair a frayed flex - as foreign electrician types fled the capital to all points of the compass to avoid being murdered by MI5's myopic gung ho execution squads on the lookout for Muslim backpack bombers.

The inept 56-year old Dickhead – whose new post garners a salary of £270,648 quid per annum in return for her limited policing skills set - plus the usual stock in trade 'insult to the public's intelligence' benefits - departed company with the Met for a cushy Foreign Office post following 31 years of sub-standard service in 2014 - yet was selected for the commissioner's job ahead of National Police Chiefs' Council blonde moment chair-thing, Sara Thornton, and the graft and corruption-ridden Essex Police's ginger-mingin chief constable Stephen Kavanagh, and Scotland Yard's pig-eyed Mark Rowley-Poley.

Conversely her appointment has been criticised by the family of intelligence service homicide victim, Jean Charles de Menezes - who was wrongly shot dead (aka 'executed') while going for a ride on a train during a hit n miss Wile E Coyote style anti-terrorist operation she led in 2005.
A compromised jury later found the Met had broken health and safety laws by murdering Mr de Menezes, but decided there was no personal culpability for Dickhead (or the homicidal maniac psychos who shot him) – regardless of the fact she was the one with command responsible for this amateurish Biblical scale fuckup.

Following the class act snafu, internal Met back-biting gossip highlighted her incompetence at controlling the events that led up to the de Menezes disaster – but as she was a minority and had clearly been promoted well beyond her level of professional ability, she had to be protected on affirmative action grounds so those who made the mistake of promoting her were likewise afforded 'cover your ass' blame-dodging insurance for a stream of Goon Squad fubars which resulted from placing her in charge of implementing internal reforms at Scotland Yard - and being one of the two senior officers imprudently charged with security at the London 2012 Olympic Games – and who, regardless of being provided with spot on I-Spy information, failed to heed warnings and beat MI5 in locating the renegade German DVD's false flag nuke terrorist act device at Stratford.

Speaking off the record to one gutter press hack from the Shoot First Gazette, Commissioner Dickhead revealed: "This is a great second chance responsibility and an amazing opportunity to kill off lots more foreign workers who look like Muslim terrorist types – then turn the SO19 Firearms Unit loose on these arsehole Southern Rail strikers who've made me late for work all last week."
"Plus I'm looking forward immensely to protecting the people of London - (Yeah right – same as Jean Charles de Menezes) – by expanding the City's CCTV coverage from Barking Mad to Fuckingham Palace - and South Northwood to East Worstminster - to a panopticon surveillance level - and thanks so much to everyone who covered up my mistakes along the way."

As top dog of the largest and reputedly most corrupt police force in Broken Britain, Dickhead will be under pressure to make early – if not exactly 'the right' decisions - on whether to expedite her wishlist of staffing top Met positions with her feminista pals or roll out controversial spit-guards to prevent arrested yobs and scallies from gobbing on plods – or whether to deploy water cannons at the Snotting Hill Carnival to keep belligerent Yardies under control - and if Tasers should be issued to shit-for-brains traffic wardens and retail stores security thugs.

So what's the common herd street chat opinion on Dickhead's promotion? A bad choice all round it seems – for 'Crosswired' Cressida was the bitch with 'the buck stops here' responsibility for Gold Command and running the ill-fated July 2005 'Operation Total Fuckup' which resulted in an innocent 'clean-shaven' Brazilian Catholic and journeyman electrician, Jean Charles de Menezes, being mistaken by IQ-deficient security service morons – (who had never even heard of, let alone studied, Coulter's Law) - for a Mid-Eastern Muslim jihadi terrorist – Mohammad al Patsy - as he boarded a train at London's Stockwell Tube Station.

This team of bungling thugs were falsely identified as gung ho Specialist Firearms Command (SC&O19) operatives – to conceal the true fact that the hit squad was comprised of a crew of trigger happy Tonton Macoutes on secondment from the 22 SAS Force Recon's 'Shoot First Unit' to MI5’s Increment assassination gang – the very same shits who concealed military grade C4 explosive devices 'under' the train carriages to expedite the 7/7/2005 false flag 'let's demonise Islam' tube x 3 and bus x 1 bombings – all in aid of justifying Tony Bliar's New Labour government criminal involvement in the illegal invasion of Iraq.

Thought for the day. While rumours abound that the all-new Met boss stood a round of celebratory drink at Soho's 'ladies only' Sappho Club for her feminista mates – speculation runs wild regarding the unmarried Cressida Dick being gay or straight - or bent like a corkscrew and shags big dogs? The answer lies with revelations from some still unidentified lesbo skanger - or heterosexual bloke – or canine stray on Viagra.

But while 40% of the London public demographic canvassed are given to speculate she's a raving dyke – a further 40% are of the formed opinion she's a transvestite – kitted out with cock and balls – and in her name lies the cryptic gender bender identity clue – with the remaining 20% stating they couldn't give a flying fuck what her sexual orientation is – but are more concerned with getting mistaken for bomb-toting Muslim terrorists during her 'command' shift and cop for several bullets in the head while commuting on the London Underground.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness. An anti-authoritarian counter-culture news sheet and free radical alternative media source not owned by Raving Rupert Mudrock's News Corp and the ultra-racist ZioNazi Edomite Mafia 'Kosher Nostra' crime syndicate - and committed to the relay of open source information – plus 'hopefully' immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence - (unless one has the audacity to dare expose, name and shame the membership ranks of Scotland's Masonic Speculative Society 'Nonce Ponce' Magic Circle arse bandit / Violate BD/SM Club VIP (Very Important Pederast) kiddie fiddling cabal – along with their Westminster and Holyrood Parliament / Crown Office / Secret Squirrel Security Services sodomite - paedo-enablers / cover-up protectors).