Prince Dobby Launches Poetry Day

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Our once-sceptred isle's crypto-kikester 'King-in-Waiting' - HRH Prince Chazzer Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg-Windsor - of Wales - is to read Seamus Heaney's poem 'The Shitting Forecast' to mark the start of the 2016 National Poetry Day.

Charlie Big Ears' recording will be broadcast on BBC Radio 4's 'Crap Hour' programme as part of the annual nationwide poetry celebration – with this year's selected theme being one of 'Messages' - and the brain-dead, text-addicted common herd 'public demographic' encouraged to 'Say it with a Poem, Stupid'.

The gospel according to National Poetry Day director Candida Mingerot claims "A poem can reach places that prose just can't – so that's why we're inviting all with anything important to say to express it in poetic form. It can be new or old, utterly original or a plagiarised familiar favourite – but definitely no lewd or vulgar limericks about 'Young Girls from Devizes', please."

"Aspiring lyricists and bards can compose verses of a deep and dark nature - or funny or memorable too – or with a signature anarchist bent and toss political correctness to the vagaries of the four winds – as instanced by coupling words in rhyme that draw attention to a social outrage or scandal – like the UKIP Party punch-ups – or New / Old Labour being more fucked up than a soup sandwich – or focus on promoting the Boycott, Divestments and Sanctions campaign against the rogue, ZioNazi pariah state of Israel for their human rights abuses, land thefts and illegal settlements directed against the hapless and marginalised Palestinian victim population – and 'voila' - you change the nature of the national conversation and possibly instigate a long overdue socio-political revolution."

Other poetry events around the UK will include forty BBC local radio stations who have engaged no less than 'forty' local poets to celebrate England's best cherished - and reviled - local landmarks in a love / hate verse format – such as Fish n Chip shops, CCTV cameras, Flatbrokes the Bookies, job centres, Poundland stores, fracking sites, Wetherspoons discount booze pubs, welfare benefits assessment offices, police stations - and not forgetting London's 'traffic jam central' - the M25.

Four young charity-minded poets in Wales – all members of the Bryn Estyn Masochist Club - have agreed to be sealed in an abandoned mineshaft to compose 100 poems in 24 hours while flagellating each other with scourges made from desiccated jellyfish tendrils.

Not wishing to be outdone by their Welsh sheep shagging, self-harm contemporaries, a gaggle of literary student members of Oxford's Bullingdon Vandalism Society will spend the 2016 National Poetry Day necks-deep in the city's St Hugh's College septic tank – (once crapped in by such esteemed academic alumnus as Burmese political stooge Aung San Suu Kyi, ex Labour trollop Barbara Sandcastle and the Nasty Party's very own incumbent transvestite Prime Minister Terry 'Testosterone' May) - composing a rhyming thesis on why two of ex-poet laureate Ted Hughes' wives - Sylvie Plath 'and' Assia Wevill – could get so sick and tired of his doubly-depressing Crow poems that they'd opt out for terminal acts of suicide by sticking their individual heads in the kitchen gas oven.

In Scotland, 380,000 'Nonce Ponce' exposed-in-verse picture post cards will be given away by Edinburgh's Caber Tossers Club – while in grotty Glasgow Big Tissue street vendors will deliver poetry readings while stoned out of their heads on Shite Lightning cider and attempting to dodge the city's speeding runaway wheelie bin trucks.

Meanwhile, across the water, Ulster Orangemen plan to hold the finals of the Ireland National Poetry competition outside the Stormont Parliament Buildings, culminating in their annual 'Burn a Papist' bonfire and conducting a bevy of seasonal Molotov cocktail arson attacks on Belfast's Wankhill Road Catholic churches.

In what must constitute an ultimate act of utter of irony, poetry-themed tickets are to be distributed to luckless commuters and passengers (aka 'The Forgotten') squatting interminably on the platforms of London's major railway stations – in a pathetic effort to divert their irate attentions from the fact Southern Trains are on strike again – plus Rattle Track and Notwork Rail suffering a major disruption to services after gangs of Muslim immigrant scallies stole signal lights and overhead power cables from mainline routes.

Following his recital of Heaney's 'Shitting Forecast' poem on Channel 4 Radio, Prince Chazzer volunteered to bore listeners with 'a little verse from my very own regal hand – composed specially for this occasion'.

"Oh Mummy dear, when will You croak?
For this sixty-odd year reign is beyond a joke,
I clamour to hear your final death-rattle groan
So King Charles, Mk 3, might ascend the Throne.
And while Queen Camilla's busy baking cakes
I can master the art of the Boston Brakes
Then be shut of this chain-smoking nag –
(Spouse number two in a body bag).

Woe betide the fate of any political fool
That tries to deny My Divine Right to Rule
For Greedy Grocers marts throughout the land
Be commanded to carry our organic Highgrove brand.
Plus Gordonstoun school-rules top my education plan
As cold showers and sodomy are what make a man.

Then the Poundbury project shall come home to roost
And My Sovereign Grant cops for a 'times ten' boost,
With the NHS dispensing homeopathic tinctures and cures,
A panacea for all ills - warts or dandruff or syphilis sores.

Anarchists & dissenters – all bound for the Tower
When I resurrect Feudal Law to wield Absolute Power'
Thus a warning to satirists, just out for a laugh,
Ridiculing your Monarch will cop My Reptilian wrath;
Spitting Images producers – they're first for the chop,
Along with Burrell, al Fayed and Haynes' Republican crop,
Then dispense with this historic Child Sex Abuse inquisition
And restore My paedo pal Savile's nixed knighted position.

That's the Regal Plan so far - and hear the common herd sing:
"God Bless good old Chazzer" – and "Long Live the King."

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Raving Rupert Mudrock's News Corp and the uber-racist Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence - (unless one has the audacity to dare expose, name and shame the membership ranks of Scotland's Masonic Speculative Society 'Nonce Ponce' Magic Circle / Violate BD/SM Club kiddie fiddling cabal – along with their Holyrood Parliament / Crown Office sodomite / paedo-enablers and cover-up protectors).