Thursday, 10 September 2015

Bonkers Boris Slams London Truckers

In today’s ‘Scrambled Cyclists' blood n gore supplement edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from top notch biking icon reporter Sturmey Archer Jnr, manning the mobile editorial desk outside Marylebone Hospital's mortuary for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with hot off the anvil dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In the wake of last week's public announcement on trucks versus cyclist safety features, London's batshit Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense has come under fire, copping flack from transport union bosses and a Biblical legion of lorry drivers over his fascist proposal to force through legislation that all heavy goods vehicles plying the highways and byways of the Greater Metropolitan area will face an all-out ban if not equipped with costly cyclist-detector radar systems.

The US-born thatch-bonced buffoon - now the democratically-elected multi-tasking Mayor of London 'and' Nasty Party MP for the Sublime Porte constituency of Fuckbridge & South Gymslip - Pasha Bonkers Boris de Pifffle Nonsense (aka BoJo Ali Bey), recently initiated what he refers to as a 'spiffing life-saver traffic scheme' and decreed that, in the interests of increased cyclist and pedestrian safety, all HGV trucks operating around his metropolitan bailiwick will henceforth be rigged out with latest 'Bike-Spotter' radar – a joint venture innovation spin-off, initially designed and manufactured by BAE Armaments UK and Halfords Weapons Division as an early warning device to detect ISIS Takfiri jihadists attempting to hitch a ride under a truck chassis from Calais to Broken Britain - disguised as a spare wheel.

Professor Aldous Figg-Newton, chief anorak at the government's Porton Down 'Dirty Deeds' research labs, explained to one reporter from Body Bag Weekly that the principle for the side scan radar is based on the failed / now redundant model originally fitted in MQ-9 Reaper drone nose cones to differentiate between bearded Islamic terrorist types and peace-loving Muslim children when targeting Taliban and al Qaeda funeral and wedding gatherings in Afghanistan and Northern Pakiland with a strew of AGM-114 Shitstreak missiles.

Conversely transport companies are up in arms, not only at the costly financial outlay but also claim that HGV drivers' eyeball attentions will be diverted from the road ahead to focusing on a dash-mounted green-hued radar screen scanning for jaywalking pedestrians and kamikaze cyclists – all hell bent on ignoring traffic laws by literally 'cutting corners'.

Ron McScrote, spokesman for the United Trucks-R-Us Transport Union, had this to say to one gutter press hack from the red top Gravediggers Gazette tabloid. "Wot Bonkers Boris is goin' on about – this ban on unsafe wagons - is a bit lop-sided – blamin' our truckies fer snuffin' cyclists. Of course these dozy tossers are gettin' run down an' squashed – not only by our lorries wot do the most damage – but buses an' UberCab taxis an' shit-fer-brains bottle blonde bimbos drivin' Chelsea Tractors."
"An' little effin' wonder too, wot wiv bikin' wiv them MP3 player headsets stuck in their ears an' takin' no fuckin' notice of wot's goin' on around them – same as the dumb-arsed dingbat pedestrians – walkin' along an' crossin' roads an' junctions while they're usin' their smart phones ter send a text or play some stupid fuckin' video game. Half the fuckin' commutin' public's dead between the effin' ears an' deserve runnin' over wiv a bendy bus in my opinion."

While Boris (call me Al) portrays himself as a self-deprecating Artful Bumbler -hanging in static mode halfway down a zipline - this alter-ego guise as the classic 'pubic' school dildo, skilled in the art of slapstick buffoonery, fools many of the common herd demographic – yet although the self-promoting - albeit charismatic - dipshit is quite capable of displaying moments of lucidity and extreme cunning alike his scheming Ottoman politician ancestor, Bonkers Ali Kemal Attaturk, the common herd voters must not overlook the damning fact that his Balliol College days scandalous initiation stunt for acceptance into Oxford's prestigious 'spoiled brats only' Bullingdon Vandals Club consisted of chewing a full pack of Feen-a-mint laxative gum while perched overnight - sans trousers - in a tree on the Rue de Catamites thoroughfare of the Fellows' Garden - and shitting on hapless passers-by.

As to Bonkers, an ardent biker himself, promoting this safety campaign – he is on the public record of not giving a flying fuck for personal cycling safety when snapped giving his diminutive barrister missus, Thumbelina, a most illegal cross bar or seater to work at the Old Bailey – and has adopted a Tourettes style quirk of heckling careless cab and truck drivers that get too close to him as he pedals along, with such off the cuff ripostes as "Dog Wanker!" and "Fuck off, Eat Shit and Die, Motherfucker!" – which accords perfectly with the feral social habits of the Eton educated and his Mensa reject Tory contemporaries in the House of Conmans.

Thought for the day. So WTF is the solution to the problem – specifically Bonkers Boris's ban on unsafe lorries around London as part of efforts to protect cyclists and pedestrians?

Point One: Have Common Purpose re-programme the unsafe mental retards employed as lorry drivers who have this macho "I'm a big truck – get outa the fucking way you puny cyclist scum" mindset / attitude.
Point Two: Enforce kamikaze cyclists to observe n obey traffic regulations – and look where the fuck they're going instead of playing a mountain bike version of Russian roulette between the kerb and blind side trucks and buses.
Point Three: Mandate that besides wearing a safety helmet, cyclists hum, sing or whistle Kumbaya while pedalling blindly along.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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