The inquiry into alleged leaks of Home Office documents which led to Tory MP for East Smegmadale, Darlston Greengauge, being arrested is "continuing", a Scotland Yard snitch told the BBC in exchange for tickets to this year’s Strictly Come Dancing finals.
The source said the investigation was "moving on quite quickly" after Mr. Greengauge was subjected to a nine hour waterboarding session, had several fingernails pulled out and promptly grassed up his Home Office accomplices.
Rumours that Home Secretary Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith has also been arrested and flown to an extreme rendition facility in Scunthorpe for questioning have been scotched by Downing Street as “absolute crap”.
Senior Tories are furious that police had Mr Greengauge, the shadow immigration minister, hanging up by his scrotum overnight to ‘loosen him up’.
When police questioned the MP, they are said to have suggested to him that he had not simply received leaked information but ‘groomed’ a thirteen year old female civil servant, Gillian McGroper, (a mother of three who can’t be named for legal reasons) who had allegedly passed him ‘shitloads’ of confidential top secret documents relating to the ‘price of fish’ scandal.
Baroness Petula Mandleson, personal spokeslag for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, told the media Greengauge’s arrest had raised "difficult and sensitive issues" concerning the nature of the leaked documents and the fact that revelation of their contents might well portend the Apocalypse for New Labour if published in the gutter press.
Ms. Mandleson, posing for photographers outside Number 10 in a cream knitted two-piece and pearls, further stated she would judge the ‘full facts’ before deciding whether the entire issue should have a D-Notice slapped on it and get a coat of whitewash.
BBC political editor Nick Dorkinson reported Conservative frontbenchers had taken legal advice on the difference between merely ‘receiving a leak’, ‘inducing leakers to leak’ and ‘taking a leak’, and had a practical hands-on leak demonstration using a Parliamentary colander.
A tired and visibly emotional Justice Secretary, Jack Straw, met with Daily Sport reporter Bruno van der Snot in the House of Commons’ Pickled Cormorant Bar and related “I haven’t got a fucking clue what’s going on. Nobody tells me anything. Mushroom syndrome : kept in the dark and fed shit. It was never like this when my mate Tony was in charge”
“However, for the record, we don't have a police state here, despite many of the ridiculous newspaper headlines. A police state would be where a Tory shadow minister might be arrested on suspicion of possessing an unlicensed wind turbine and hung up by his bollocks overnight.”
Political analyst Norman Bilharzia, Doctor of Pratology at the Tavistock Institute, opined that the sooner the BNP took over the reins of government in the UK and established a fascist police state, then these disturbing stories would disappear from the front pages of the daily press, along with the daily press. “The public should be concentrating on working without distractions and paying their taxes. The X-Factor and Big Brother are confusing enough for the British sheeple as it is.”
Brenda Twatrot, spokesbag for the independent government watchdog Expose, told the media “Bleedin’ typical of the effin’ plods, innit eh, ‘angin’ the bloke up by ‘is goolies like that. I means, yer know, did the gits ‘ave informed consent ter string ‘im up by the balls. Shite, that’s gotta ‘urt like fuck, anit, eh?”
“But I said this before, when the only bleedin' tool yer got is an ‘effin ‘ammer then every problem starts ter look like a bleedin’ nail, dunnit eh. The sooner we gets a Polish Prime Minister in ‘ere, the better.”
Greengauge, a former walrus shearer, filed a complaint with the Parliamentary Ethics Committee last June over MI6 tapping his phone after he had been named as the whistleblower in the government’s controversial “Firewood” and “Old Rope” scandals, and is renown in political circles as a ‘disruptive shit-stirring cunt’, whose snarling and aggressive manner is reportedly aggravated by a chronic ingrowing foreskin complaint.
Monday, 1 December 2008
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Critics Hit Gulf State Culture Capital of the World Bid
Doha, capital of the gas-rich Gulf state of Qatar and personal bailiwick of the ruthless al-Thani dynasty, who have been cutting each other’s throats for centuries, is destined to become the cultural capital of the world. At least that’s the current ambitious and scatter-brained scheme.
Qatar ruler Sheikh Ali bin Rock n Rollin tempted the veteran architect Giovanni de Lego (the man behind the monstrous abortion of a glass pyramid at the Louvre in Paris) to design one last statement building, a spectacular museum on a purpose-built island in Doha, which would house only the best Islamic art.
This weekend the museum opens. A dramatic pile of white limestone shapes inspired by Palestinian refugee camp architecture and full of 800 of the finest examples of Islamic art gathered from Poundland outlets across the region.
Not long ago, the idea of culture being a reason to visit the Gulf would have made other Arabs laugh. Now, with Qatar being a main staging area for the US military-industrial complex’ war machine and a devastating conflict still raging in neighbouring Iraq, the entire concept of culture in the region would make a cat laugh.
The Syrian cultural historian Banana Kebabi sees a political element to the museum, putting Doha on the cultural map.
"I think all the rulers in the Gulf realise what they really lack is culture on a grand scale. They’re all seen by the West as a bunch of goat-buggering tent dwellers, and while that is true, they want to re-invent themselves. No more buying silly football clubs or hosting Formula One Grand Prix races."
"That's why along the coast, two museums are planned for Abu Dhabi - branches of the Louvre and Guggenheim, and a home for the world’s biggest Kentucky Fried Camel franchise.”
However, Western humanists are highly critical of the Gulf’s Arab states posturing to become a world cultural centre.
Felicity Twatrot of Amnesty International told the media “These Islamist chauvinists need to clean their atrocious human rights record up before they assume the cloak of Middle Eastern Renaissance patrons.”
“A spot of cultural revision to such practices as chopping someone’s hand off for simple theft, the televised weekly public beheading sessions and stoning for adultery is required before these barbarians can be considered anywhere close to civilised.”
“The UK’s RSPCA does more for the welfare of animals that the Islamic world does for its Muslim womenfolk. Even a battery house chicken has more freedom, dignity and rights than an Islamic female.”
Qatar ruler Sheikh Ali bin Rock n Rollin tempted the veteran architect Giovanni de Lego (the man behind the monstrous abortion of a glass pyramid at the Louvre in Paris) to design one last statement building, a spectacular museum on a purpose-built island in Doha, which would house only the best Islamic art.
This weekend the museum opens. A dramatic pile of white limestone shapes inspired by Palestinian refugee camp architecture and full of 800 of the finest examples of Islamic art gathered from Poundland outlets across the region.
Not long ago, the idea of culture being a reason to visit the Gulf would have made other Arabs laugh. Now, with Qatar being a main staging area for the US military-industrial complex’ war machine and a devastating conflict still raging in neighbouring Iraq, the entire concept of culture in the region would make a cat laugh.
The Syrian cultural historian Banana Kebabi sees a political element to the museum, putting Doha on the cultural map.
"I think all the rulers in the Gulf realise what they really lack is culture on a grand scale. They’re all seen by the West as a bunch of goat-buggering tent dwellers, and while that is true, they want to re-invent themselves. No more buying silly football clubs or hosting Formula One Grand Prix races."
"That's why along the coast, two museums are planned for Abu Dhabi - branches of the Louvre and Guggenheim, and a home for the world’s biggest Kentucky Fried Camel franchise.”
However, Western humanists are highly critical of the Gulf’s Arab states posturing to become a world cultural centre.
Felicity Twatrot of Amnesty International told the media “These Islamist chauvinists need to clean their atrocious human rights record up before they assume the cloak of Middle Eastern Renaissance patrons.”
“A spot of cultural revision to such practices as chopping someone’s hand off for simple theft, the televised weekly public beheading sessions and stoning for adultery is required before these barbarians can be considered anywhere close to civilised.”
“The UK’s RSPCA does more for the welfare of animals that the Islamic world does for its Muslim womenfolk. Even a battery house chicken has more freedom, dignity and rights than an Islamic female.”
Labour Giving CPR to Economy is Flogging Dead Horse
Labour’s Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, a former old rope salesman, was found lynched under Blackfriars Bridge early this morning, his pockets stuffed with supermarket discount vouchers and fruit machine tokens.
Police Inspector Ernie Scrunt informed reporters that they were treating the cause of death as suicide, regardless of the multiple stab wounds in his back.
Darling’s official secretary, Gillian Minge, told the press the Chancellor had been suffering from severe depression since the recent collapse of the British economy. “Mr. Darling just couldn’t live with the fact he was a total wanker and had personally caused a replay of the 1920’s Great Depression.”
Tory Shadow Chancellor Morton Scrognot, MP for Old Trout, told Parliament “Gordon Brown’s Labour government has totally lost the plot. This country is now so far up shitcreek that even bigger paddles wouldn’t be of any help.”
London University’s Professor of Economics and Nobel Prize winner for Bean-Counting, Olaf McPfennig, told the media “It’s all bollocks really. Any clot that can count to ten could have seen this fiasco coming years ago.
What do you expect when your supposed national government financial institutions, the Bank of England and the Federal Reserve in the US, are privately-owned by slimy money-jugglers like the Rothchilds and the Rockefellers, to name just a couple of the greedy parasitic vermin who control the World.”
“Kick fractional reserve banking out of the window, print your own money, and ‘hey presto!’ – problem solved. Lincoln did it. JFK did it. And obviously upset some powerful dark forces as they both got snuffed shortly after.”
Labour business secretary Lady Cynthia Mandelson told BBC One's Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr that action was needed to stop a "very deep recession" but Gordon didn’t want to upset the owners of the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street too much in case his name got added to one of their nasty hit lists.
Tory leader David Cameron advised the press his plan for massive wind turbine manufacture could solve the recession while Vince Cable, for the Liberal Democrats, said he couldn’t really give a flying fuck and was going down to the local Rub and Tug for a nice massage.
Sir Ming Vase Campbell, Lib-Dem MP for the Middle Kingdom and party Confucianism philosopher, opined to the media “Yer man Brown needs to watch his wee scally arse very carefully, him and his girlfriend Mandy, and remember some of the lessons history’s thrown up regarding the public’s reactions to government incompetence. Need I mention 1917 or the storming of the Bastille?”
Writing in the business section of the Daily Sport, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: "If we do not act now then the retailers will be facing a Shite Christmas, which might just start a revolution."
“I want to reduce VAT by a couple of percent and increase the period of grace before lenders repossess homes to three months, so when a family gets thrown out of their house the weather will be a bit warmer.”
Widespread rumour mongering in the gutter press suggests VAT could temporarily drop by 2.5% to 15% (the lowest level allowed by the EU’s Brussels Bullies) in an effort to get consumers spending again, ignoring the obvious fact that if the public don’t have any cash left from their redundancy pay-offs, they’ll doubtless load their credit cards to the hilt, creating a monumental personal debt problem for 2009.
Rumours that a massive injection of investment capital for British industry is to be made next week by Somalia’s First Pirate Bank of Mogadishu have been scotched by Downing Street insiders.
Police Inspector Ernie Scrunt informed reporters that they were treating the cause of death as suicide, regardless of the multiple stab wounds in his back.
Darling’s official secretary, Gillian Minge, told the press the Chancellor had been suffering from severe depression since the recent collapse of the British economy. “Mr. Darling just couldn’t live with the fact he was a total wanker and had personally caused a replay of the 1920’s Great Depression.”
Tory Shadow Chancellor Morton Scrognot, MP for Old Trout, told Parliament “Gordon Brown’s Labour government has totally lost the plot. This country is now so far up shitcreek that even bigger paddles wouldn’t be of any help.”
London University’s Professor of Economics and Nobel Prize winner for Bean-Counting, Olaf McPfennig, told the media “It’s all bollocks really. Any clot that can count to ten could have seen this fiasco coming years ago.
What do you expect when your supposed national government financial institutions, the Bank of England and the Federal Reserve in the US, are privately-owned by slimy money-jugglers like the Rothchilds and the Rockefellers, to name just a couple of the greedy parasitic vermin who control the World.”
“Kick fractional reserve banking out of the window, print your own money, and ‘hey presto!’ – problem solved. Lincoln did it. JFK did it. And obviously upset some powerful dark forces as they both got snuffed shortly after.”
Labour business secretary Lady Cynthia Mandelson told BBC One's Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr that action was needed to stop a "very deep recession" but Gordon didn’t want to upset the owners of the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street too much in case his name got added to one of their nasty hit lists.
Tory leader David Cameron advised the press his plan for massive wind turbine manufacture could solve the recession while Vince Cable, for the Liberal Democrats, said he couldn’t really give a flying fuck and was going down to the local Rub and Tug for a nice massage.
Sir Ming Vase Campbell, Lib-Dem MP for the Middle Kingdom and party Confucianism philosopher, opined to the media “Yer man Brown needs to watch his wee scally arse very carefully, him and his girlfriend Mandy, and remember some of the lessons history’s thrown up regarding the public’s reactions to government incompetence. Need I mention 1917 or the storming of the Bastille?”
Writing in the business section of the Daily Sport, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: "If we do not act now then the retailers will be facing a Shite Christmas, which might just start a revolution."
“I want to reduce VAT by a couple of percent and increase the period of grace before lenders repossess homes to three months, so when a family gets thrown out of their house the weather will be a bit warmer.”
Widespread rumour mongering in the gutter press suggests VAT could temporarily drop by 2.5% to 15% (the lowest level allowed by the EU’s Brussels Bullies) in an effort to get consumers spending again, ignoring the obvious fact that if the public don’t have any cash left from their redundancy pay-offs, they’ll doubtless load their credit cards to the hilt, creating a monumental personal debt problem for 2009.
Rumours that a massive injection of investment capital for British industry is to be made next week by Somalia’s First Pirate Bank of Mogadishu have been scotched by Downing Street insiders.
Saturday, 22 November 2008
UK Islamic Militant Snuffed in Pakistan
A fugitive British militant linked to an alleged UK plot to use liquid explosives for blowing up transatlantic airliners has been killed in Pakistan, according to an International Herald Shitraker report.
Pakistani authorities believe Rashid Rauf, originally from Smegmadale and a former journalist with the Rhubarb Grower’s Weekly, was snuffed in a US air strike at a midweek car boot sale in Birmingham-controlled Kashmir, a haven for Moslem pikeys and Al Qaeda. Unnamed Pakistani intelligence sources (Wahid bin Scrunt) said that a wanted Egyptian militant, Taliban Dan, the bomb-making man, was among the others killed.
US military intelligence (sic) operatives received a tip-off from Chinese agent provocateur Su Duko a few days ago that Rauf was seen making a deposit at a Kabul sperm bank and had been under constant surveillance since, up until his meeting with Taliban Dan at the Kashmir car boot.
Islamabad CIA station chief, Vito Incognito, explained to the media “In a country where every fucker’s called Mohammed or Fatima it’s very hard to find anyone, especially as they all have flat foreheads from banging them on the deck several times a day. So when we got the hum-int’ id tip on Rauf we tracked him day and night with one of our new ass-sniffer remote drones. When he met up with Taliban Dan we nailed both their asses in one hit.”
The US regularly uses remote predator drones to attack militant targets in the region, a tactic that has caused growing resentment among Pakistan's leaders.
On Thursday the government summoned the US ambassador in Islamabad to protest against a missile attack deep inside Pakistani territory that levelled a tinned dog factory in mistake for a nearby orphanage.
Rauf, a convicted goat molester, who was arrested in Pakistan in August 2006, had been on the run since escaping from a Karachi jail later that month by chewing through the high tensile cardboard cell door.
Three men allegedly involved with Rauf in the fictitious liquid bomb scare that paralysed global air travel, prompting authorities to implement stringent security measures at airports around the world, were convicted in the UK in September of loitering without due care and attention. They maintained throughout their trial that the literature linking them to the supposed plot, Bomb Making for Dummies, had been planted by MI6 agents.
Hundreds of flights were delayed at airports globally with massive disruption at major UK terminals and in the US, amid security service fears that militants were planning to mix hair conditioner and Colgate into a lethal volatile blend in the aircraft’s in-flight laboratory and detonate a thermonuclear toothpaste device.
Rauf, remembered by Smegmadale’s Rentaslum Refugee Estate residents as the type of bloke who thought wood grew on trees, left school with a GCSE O-level in Chemistry and a flair for radical political debate.
Harry Madeupname, editor of the Rhubarb Grower’s Weekly, recalled Rauf as being the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ and as much fun to work with as having chemotherapy. “Rashid were a reet nasty lookin’ cunt wiv a big long beard, very Jewish-like. Yer know the type. Always gobbin’ off about Zionists and the price of effin’ fish.”
However, Professor Ghengis McTwat of the Tavistock Institute confided to reporters that Rashid Rauf was actually a double agent and his targeting for elimination by the US military a grave mistake.
“In 2007 Rauf was awarded, in absentia, the Institute’s prestigious George Orwell Big Brother Award for his contribution to scare-mongering the British public into believing there actually is a pan-Islamic plot to undermine Western civilization.
Rauf’s actions proved it wasn’t all a series of sinister false flag operations staged by the CIA, MI6 and Mossad to implicate peace-loving Moslem types in terrorist attacks and justify our invading their countries.
Just look at how he’s helped support the drive for a New World Order and martial law state of governance in Europe and the US to keep we good Christian folk safe.”
“Rashid was ideal for our purposes. An O-level in chemistry too, bolstering the myth that Mohammed the Mad Atta, a big white rabbit and a doormouse, all members of the Afghan Cave Dwellers Club, had flown jetliners into the twin towers on 9/11. It was getting exceedingly difficult to sustain that myth until obliging old Rashid and his gang of bungling accomplices came along.”
Wahid al Ragshit, spokesman for the Muslim Anarchist Review, told the Al Jazeera news channel that Rashid Rauf was now in Paradise for his martyrdom, with his own harem of pretty sheep.
“Rashid wasn’t simply some unwashed brainless goat-bonker who enjoyed banging his forehead on the ground five times a day. He exercised his democratic right to blow up airliners, which is a fair expression considering the abysmal in-flight services most provide.”
“Who hasn’t at some time during a long flight looked at the pigswill on the folding table in front of them and the manners of the sluts serving it and had the urge to go lock themselves in the toilet, mix up a basin-full of chemicals and blow the plane out of the fucking sky.”
Pakistani authorities believe Rashid Rauf, originally from Smegmadale and a former journalist with the Rhubarb Grower’s Weekly, was snuffed in a US air strike at a midweek car boot sale in Birmingham-controlled Kashmir, a haven for Moslem pikeys and Al Qaeda. Unnamed Pakistani intelligence sources (Wahid bin Scrunt) said that a wanted Egyptian militant, Taliban Dan, the bomb-making man, was among the others killed.
US military intelligence (sic) operatives received a tip-off from Chinese agent provocateur Su Duko a few days ago that Rauf was seen making a deposit at a Kabul sperm bank and had been under constant surveillance since, up until his meeting with Taliban Dan at the Kashmir car boot.
Islamabad CIA station chief, Vito Incognito, explained to the media “In a country where every fucker’s called Mohammed or Fatima it’s very hard to find anyone, especially as they all have flat foreheads from banging them on the deck several times a day. So when we got the hum-int’ id tip on Rauf we tracked him day and night with one of our new ass-sniffer remote drones. When he met up with Taliban Dan we nailed both their asses in one hit.”
The US regularly uses remote predator drones to attack militant targets in the region, a tactic that has caused growing resentment among Pakistan's leaders.
On Thursday the government summoned the US ambassador in Islamabad to protest against a missile attack deep inside Pakistani territory that levelled a tinned dog factory in mistake for a nearby orphanage.
Rauf, a convicted goat molester, who was arrested in Pakistan in August 2006, had been on the run since escaping from a Karachi jail later that month by chewing through the high tensile cardboard cell door.
Three men allegedly involved with Rauf in the fictitious liquid bomb scare that paralysed global air travel, prompting authorities to implement stringent security measures at airports around the world, were convicted in the UK in September of loitering without due care and attention. They maintained throughout their trial that the literature linking them to the supposed plot, Bomb Making for Dummies, had been planted by MI6 agents.
Hundreds of flights were delayed at airports globally with massive disruption at major UK terminals and in the US, amid security service fears that militants were planning to mix hair conditioner and Colgate into a lethal volatile blend in the aircraft’s in-flight laboratory and detonate a thermonuclear toothpaste device.
Rauf, remembered by Smegmadale’s Rentaslum Refugee Estate residents as the type of bloke who thought wood grew on trees, left school with a GCSE O-level in Chemistry and a flair for radical political debate.
Harry Madeupname, editor of the Rhubarb Grower’s Weekly, recalled Rauf as being the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ and as much fun to work with as having chemotherapy. “Rashid were a reet nasty lookin’ cunt wiv a big long beard, very Jewish-like. Yer know the type. Always gobbin’ off about Zionists and the price of effin’ fish.”
However, Professor Ghengis McTwat of the Tavistock Institute confided to reporters that Rashid Rauf was actually a double agent and his targeting for elimination by the US military a grave mistake.
“In 2007 Rauf was awarded, in absentia, the Institute’s prestigious George Orwell Big Brother Award for his contribution to scare-mongering the British public into believing there actually is a pan-Islamic plot to undermine Western civilization.
Rauf’s actions proved it wasn’t all a series of sinister false flag operations staged by the CIA, MI6 and Mossad to implicate peace-loving Moslem types in terrorist attacks and justify our invading their countries.
Just look at how he’s helped support the drive for a New World Order and martial law state of governance in Europe and the US to keep we good Christian folk safe.”
“Rashid was ideal for our purposes. An O-level in chemistry too, bolstering the myth that Mohammed the Mad Atta, a big white rabbit and a doormouse, all members of the Afghan Cave Dwellers Club, had flown jetliners into the twin towers on 9/11. It was getting exceedingly difficult to sustain that myth until obliging old Rashid and his gang of bungling accomplices came along.”
Wahid al Ragshit, spokesman for the Muslim Anarchist Review, told the Al Jazeera news channel that Rashid Rauf was now in Paradise for his martyrdom, with his own harem of pretty sheep.
“Rashid wasn’t simply some unwashed brainless goat-bonker who enjoyed banging his forehead on the ground five times a day. He exercised his democratic right to blow up airliners, which is a fair expression considering the abysmal in-flight services most provide.”
“Who hasn’t at some time during a long flight looked at the pigswill on the folding table in front of them and the manners of the sluts serving it and had the urge to go lock themselves in the toilet, mix up a basin-full of chemicals and blow the plane out of the fucking sky.”
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Pirates Capture Saudi Oil Tanker
Somali pirates, led by Captain Long John O’dinga, have seized a giant Saudi-owned oil tanker in the Indian Ocean and are steering it towards their Eyl port base, according to the latest online Daily Shitraker news reports. The ship’s cargo of light crude oil is estimated to be worth over $200 million, with a ransom value gauged by one insurance underwriter to be ‘a whole shitload of fucking money’.
The seized tanker, the Smegmadale Star, is the biggest ship ever to be hijacked, with a capacity of two million barrels - more than one-quarter of Saudi Arabia's daily output of the slippery black stinking shite.
The vessel was captured on Saturday some 450 nautical miles off the coast of Kenya. Its international crew of twenty-five, including two British pastry chefs and a clutch of Filippino Billyboys, is reported to be shitting kittens due Somali buccaneers having a reputation of gang buggering their male hostages if they refuse to walk the plank.
With a capacity of 318,000 dead weight tonnes, the ship is 330 meters in length and classed by Lloyds of London as a VBFB (Very Big Fucking Boat).
It is as long as four Tesco Extra branches stuck end to end, almost wider than Jade Goody’s twat and, when loaded, weighs three times more than John Prescott.
"It's the largest ship that we've seen pirated so far," said Lt. Simon Ratbasher of the Mecca-based Salvation Army Tactical Strike Force who are monitoring the vessel’s progress on YouTube.
The South Korean-built Smegmadale Star, owned by the Saudi registered Goatbonk Oasis Shipping Corp., was launched for its maiden voyage in March 2007, originally shipping bulk cargoes of French champagne, Highland malt whiskey and Heinz cream of camel soup from Europe to Saudi Arabia.
As the rest of the world goes into recession, the Mogadishu stock market’s Nignog Index is peaking at an all-time high. Trade in arms dealing, conflict diamonds, hard drugs and slavery, boosted by their home-grown blooming and profitable pirate industry, have put Somalia in the upper ranks of the world’s leading economies and a potential employment destination for migrant workers.
The Somali coastal region of Poundland is booming. Fancy villas are under construction, luxury cars imported and Polish housemaids hired by the container-load.
European soccer team celebrities and their dead-brained wives are vying and jostling to own an Indian Ocean beachside mansion at Mogadishu Sands, complete with its own private minefield and shark-infested lagoon.
All of this in a country that has not had a functioning central government since the dawn of time and is still considered by Western diplomats to be one of Africa’s major basket cases.
However Western finance and investment advisors, who have been flocking to the Poundland coast in recent months, are catering their services to rank and file pirates who make an average of £130,000 per year tax-free, plus bonuses, which puts them on an equal footing with overpaid British cabinet ministers.
The main pirate stronghold, the port of Eyl, is a safe-haven where very little is done to stop the buccaneers, leading to the suggestion that the Poundland coast's civil administration may have links to the pirates.
The hardcore central leader of the pirate group, Abu Rastus al Jones, comes from the same tribal clan as the president of Somalia's transitional federal government, Abdullahi Yusuf Jones, who boasts he can trace his ancestry back to the famous Welsh pirate David Arthur Jones who settled in Mogadishu in the 1700’s and established the popular Davy Jones’ Locker eatery and the ‘Parrot & Cutlass’ buccaneering theme lap dancing bar.
Links: Jobcentre Plus / LEP website : If you think you possess the cut-throat spirit and have the drive and stamina for a pirating career, contact your local Jobcentre Plus for an application form today or download a copy from the official Somali Pirates-R-Us@mogadishu.com website.
Applicants must hold a NVQ 1 Diploma in Hostage Care and possess a current keel-haulers certificate.
The seized tanker, the Smegmadale Star, is the biggest ship ever to be hijacked, with a capacity of two million barrels - more than one-quarter of Saudi Arabia's daily output of the slippery black stinking shite.
The vessel was captured on Saturday some 450 nautical miles off the coast of Kenya. Its international crew of twenty-five, including two British pastry chefs and a clutch of Filippino Billyboys, is reported to be shitting kittens due Somali buccaneers having a reputation of gang buggering their male hostages if they refuse to walk the plank.
With a capacity of 318,000 dead weight tonnes, the ship is 330 meters in length and classed by Lloyds of London as a VBFB (Very Big Fucking Boat).
It is as long as four Tesco Extra branches stuck end to end, almost wider than Jade Goody’s twat and, when loaded, weighs three times more than John Prescott.
"It's the largest ship that we've seen pirated so far," said Lt. Simon Ratbasher of the Mecca-based Salvation Army Tactical Strike Force who are monitoring the vessel’s progress on YouTube.
The South Korean-built Smegmadale Star, owned by the Saudi registered Goatbonk Oasis Shipping Corp., was launched for its maiden voyage in March 2007, originally shipping bulk cargoes of French champagne, Highland malt whiskey and Heinz cream of camel soup from Europe to Saudi Arabia.
As the rest of the world goes into recession, the Mogadishu stock market’s Nignog Index is peaking at an all-time high. Trade in arms dealing, conflict diamonds, hard drugs and slavery, boosted by their home-grown blooming and profitable pirate industry, have put Somalia in the upper ranks of the world’s leading economies and a potential employment destination for migrant workers.
The Somali coastal region of Poundland is booming. Fancy villas are under construction, luxury cars imported and Polish housemaids hired by the container-load.
European soccer team celebrities and their dead-brained wives are vying and jostling to own an Indian Ocean beachside mansion at Mogadishu Sands, complete with its own private minefield and shark-infested lagoon.
All of this in a country that has not had a functioning central government since the dawn of time and is still considered by Western diplomats to be one of Africa’s major basket cases.
However Western finance and investment advisors, who have been flocking to the Poundland coast in recent months, are catering their services to rank and file pirates who make an average of £130,000 per year tax-free, plus bonuses, which puts them on an equal footing with overpaid British cabinet ministers.
The main pirate stronghold, the port of Eyl, is a safe-haven where very little is done to stop the buccaneers, leading to the suggestion that the Poundland coast's civil administration may have links to the pirates.
The hardcore central leader of the pirate group, Abu Rastus al Jones, comes from the same tribal clan as the president of Somalia's transitional federal government, Abdullahi Yusuf Jones, who boasts he can trace his ancestry back to the famous Welsh pirate David Arthur Jones who settled in Mogadishu in the 1700’s and established the popular Davy Jones’ Locker eatery and the ‘Parrot & Cutlass’ buccaneering theme lap dancing bar.
Links: Jobcentre Plus / LEP website : If you think you possess the cut-throat spirit and have the drive and stamina for a pirating career, contact your local Jobcentre Plus for an application form today or download a copy from the official Somali Pirates-R-Us@mogadishu.com website.
Applicants must hold a NVQ 1 Diploma in Hostage Care and possess a current keel-haulers certificate.
Monday, 17 November 2008
French 'Virgin' Ruling Reversed on Appeal
A French court of appeal has overruled the decision to annul the marriage of two Muslims because the bride had lied about being a virgin.
Fatima Ras al-Slapper had married Ratchit al Haj bin Wankin in a Kandahar-style Muslim wedding ceremony in the summer of 2006, after making a pre-nuptial statement that she had never been kissed or touched by another man.
Under the archaic and shop-worn Napoleonic French civil code a marriage can be annulled if a spouse has lied about an "essential quality" of the marital relationship.
Lawyer Marcel de Merde, representing Mr. bin Wankin, explained to priapic court reporters “Essential quality in this case referred not only to the absence of the bride’s vaginal hymen but also her practiced ability to deep throat nine inches of erect penis and swallow semen by the quart. The fact her anal sphincter was in a worse state than an end of season soccer ball bladder didn’t help matters either.”
Miss al-Slapper, a Saudi Arabian national who absconded her restrictive lifestyle and studies at the Sorbonne’s Muslims for Mary College to pursue the freedom and attractions of Paris’ Left Bank culture, became a member of the Moulin Rouge’s celebrated Betty and the Bitchlets pole dancing troupe.
Following the avant garde lifestyle to each extreme, she succumbed to the joys of lesbian love while attending a live Montmartre sex show starring Sapphie Dildodo and her Strapon Sisters.
Next on the pathway to total depravity were the trans-sexual BD/SM orgies where she became a three-holer and practiced jism monkey for her shemale Dominatrices.
Mr. al Haj bin Wankin told the court “All was okay until the wedding night, when Fatima stripped off her crotchless burkha, straddled my face and gave me a golden shower. It was only then I first saw her Goth genital piercings. She became very aroused during our initial love-making session and demanded I shag her in the ass and fist her pussy. Then she took me in her mouth, all nine inches, balls included and still managed to give me a prostate massage with her tongue. I was most shocked and disgusted and suffered several bouts of premature ejaculation.”
Cross-examined by Ms. Al-Slapper’s attorney about hypocrisy on his part concerning pre-marital virginity, Mr. bin Wankin swore he had never had sex with an actual woman before his marriage, with the exception of a pre-op’ ladyboy while on vacation in Bangkok, and the odd goat or three.
Fatima Ras al-Slapper had married Ratchit al Haj bin Wankin in a Kandahar-style Muslim wedding ceremony in the summer of 2006, after making a pre-nuptial statement that she had never been kissed or touched by another man.
Under the archaic and shop-worn Napoleonic French civil code a marriage can be annulled if a spouse has lied about an "essential quality" of the marital relationship.
Lawyer Marcel de Merde, representing Mr. bin Wankin, explained to priapic court reporters “Essential quality in this case referred not only to the absence of the bride’s vaginal hymen but also her practiced ability to deep throat nine inches of erect penis and swallow semen by the quart. The fact her anal sphincter was in a worse state than an end of season soccer ball bladder didn’t help matters either.”
Miss al-Slapper, a Saudi Arabian national who absconded her restrictive lifestyle and studies at the Sorbonne’s Muslims for Mary College to pursue the freedom and attractions of Paris’ Left Bank culture, became a member of the Moulin Rouge’s celebrated Betty and the Bitchlets pole dancing troupe.
Following the avant garde lifestyle to each extreme, she succumbed to the joys of lesbian love while attending a live Montmartre sex show starring Sapphie Dildodo and her Strapon Sisters.
Next on the pathway to total depravity were the trans-sexual BD/SM orgies where she became a three-holer and practiced jism monkey for her shemale Dominatrices.
Mr. al Haj bin Wankin told the court “All was okay until the wedding night, when Fatima stripped off her crotchless burkha, straddled my face and gave me a golden shower. It was only then I first saw her Goth genital piercings. She became very aroused during our initial love-making session and demanded I shag her in the ass and fist her pussy. Then she took me in her mouth, all nine inches, balls included and still managed to give me a prostate massage with her tongue. I was most shocked and disgusted and suffered several bouts of premature ejaculation.”
Cross-examined by Ms. Al-Slapper’s attorney about hypocrisy on his part concerning pre-marital virginity, Mr. bin Wankin swore he had never had sex with an actual woman before his marriage, with the exception of a pre-op’ ladyboy while on vacation in Bangkok, and the odd goat or three.
£330 Million Military ‘Super-Billet’ Opens Doors
The biggest army base in the UK has officially opened after a £330 million makeover, with thousands of troops moving to the camp in North Smegmashire.
The previous civilian residents of the site, formerly the Smegmadale Asbo Sink Estate, were relocated to the DR Congo as part of an Oxfam food aid package.
Twatterick Garrison, now home to 13,002 civilian and military residents, has been nicknamed a "super barracks" after the previous MoD-appointed PFI military housing contractors, Rentaslum, were labelled by Conservative Shadow Defence Minister Miles Scrotum as being “as much use as tits on a bull” and duly fired.
The relocation of the 4th Smegmashire Mechanized Regiment (also known as the "Black Twats") and the christening of the new accommodation, were celebrated at a formal opening ceremony attended by the Royal Ranga, Prince Harry, who might possibly be serving in the regiment between pub crawls.
The Black Twats had previously been located in Tobolsk, Siberia, for 64 years since getting terribly lost in a blizzard during the 1944 Ardennes campaign.
Brigadier Julian Cheesebiscuit, commander of the Black Twats, described the regiment’s relocation to Smegmashire as a "blessed return to our spiritual home.”“It was only a month ago we discovered we were actually in Siberia and not Belgium, when one of our lads swapped a tin of corned yak for a DGPS satnav handset from a Mongolian rag and bone man. Really, it’s no wonder we never received any mail. Damn lucky the Russians never noticed us being there either, eh what.”
Labour’s Defence Minister responsible for military accommodation, (bivouacs, tents and lean-to's) Rt. Hon. Gilbert Pecker, informed the media “Our single soldiers have been thrilled to arrive back to these newly-completed en-suite apartments after decades of sleeping in snow-bound foxholes and slit trenches in Siberia. We've installed the Television X porn channel and a courtesy inflatable playmate in every bedroom for them too.”
Apart from 2,800 new en suite bedrooms equipped with hot and cold running Filippina chambermaids, the MoD is also building a physiotherapy centre, with full Rub and Tug facilities, to be staffed by exotic Thai ladyboys.
Defence Minister Pecker, an ex-woggle weaver who spent most of his formative years stuck in a traffic jam, told reporters "Nothing's too good for our fighting lads. They're all off for a spot of sun and fun in Iraq next week."
The previous civilian residents of the site, formerly the Smegmadale Asbo Sink Estate, were relocated to the DR Congo as part of an Oxfam food aid package.
Twatterick Garrison, now home to 13,002 civilian and military residents, has been nicknamed a "super barracks" after the previous MoD-appointed PFI military housing contractors, Rentaslum, were labelled by Conservative Shadow Defence Minister Miles Scrotum as being “as much use as tits on a bull” and duly fired.
The relocation of the 4th Smegmashire Mechanized Regiment (also known as the "Black Twats") and the christening of the new accommodation, were celebrated at a formal opening ceremony attended by the Royal Ranga, Prince Harry, who might possibly be serving in the regiment between pub crawls.
The Black Twats had previously been located in Tobolsk, Siberia, for 64 years since getting terribly lost in a blizzard during the 1944 Ardennes campaign.
Brigadier Julian Cheesebiscuit, commander of the Black Twats, described the regiment’s relocation to Smegmashire as a "blessed return to our spiritual home.”“It was only a month ago we discovered we were actually in Siberia and not Belgium, when one of our lads swapped a tin of corned yak for a DGPS satnav handset from a Mongolian rag and bone man. Really, it’s no wonder we never received any mail. Damn lucky the Russians never noticed us being there either, eh what.”
Labour’s Defence Minister responsible for military accommodation, (bivouacs, tents and lean-to's) Rt. Hon. Gilbert Pecker, informed the media “Our single soldiers have been thrilled to arrive back to these newly-completed en-suite apartments after decades of sleeping in snow-bound foxholes and slit trenches in Siberia. We've installed the Television X porn channel and a courtesy inflatable playmate in every bedroom for them too.”
Apart from 2,800 new en suite bedrooms equipped with hot and cold running Filippina chambermaids, the MoD is also building a physiotherapy centre, with full Rub and Tug facilities, to be staffed by exotic Thai ladyboys.
Defence Minister Pecker, an ex-woggle weaver who spent most of his formative years stuck in a traffic jam, told reporters "Nothing's too good for our fighting lads. They're all off for a spot of sun and fun in Iraq next week."
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