A hapless teenage burglar found hanging upside down by his shoelaces from a window of the house he had broken into has been jailed for life in an attempt to protect him, and the public at large, from his own stupidity.
Sammy ‘Asbo’ Snitgruber, 16, of Dickhead Street, Smegmadale, was sentenced at Lancashire Assizes after pleading guilty to 127 counts of burglary and 14 counts of buggery involving household pets and a duck.
Snitgruber was found suspended from the window of a house in Murphy’s Law Crescent after getting his foot caught on the window’s latch while trying to escape the property in August with a refrigerator, a washing machine and the owner’s cat.
When arrested by a responding police patrol, Snitgruber declared he had been carrying out his community service order and was cleaning the windows of the house and ‘slipped’, catching his shoelaces on the window catch and became suspended upside-down.
Summing up the case Judge Fred Dread told the court “This was clearly a case of breaking and entry, albeit a wholly incompetent and pathetic one, which left the defendant dangling from the window frame for several hours.
Mr. Shitgruber possesses a truly appalling criminal record for a boy of 16, much of it related to his addiction to White Lightning and hard drugs since he was expelled from kindergarden.”
Snitgruber was sentenced to life imprisonment, less the 59 days he had already spent remanded in custard.
The sentence also incorporated penalties for six counts of possession of AAA drugs, five previous bound over orders for breaches of the peace, four suspended judgements for duck buggery, three assaults on police officers, two shoplifting thefts and one for possession of a partridge in a pear-shaped tree.
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Monday, 13 October 2008
Raw Sewage Threat to Booming Dubai
The once-pristine tropical beaches bordering the prestigious Dubai Yacht Club and neighbouring prime tourist hang-outs have recently become swamped in raw sewage.
The putrid problem is caused by the illegal dumping of untreated crap in Dubai's inland storm drain network, as the city's rapid growth outstrips its meagre and pitiful infrastructure at an estimated rate of ten to one.
Outside Dubai's only sewage treatment plant there are long queues of sewage tankers and serious delays due masses of excreted coconut shells and date stones causing havoc and jamming the works of the plant’s filtration machinery.
Dubai’s Minister of Sewage, Sheik Well-before-using, a former flatpack tent erector, told tourism reporters “It’s all these undigested date and fruit stones getting through to the filtration systems and blocking it up.”
“So the truck drivers emptying the city’s septic tanks, who get paid by the shit load, are losing out having to queue for hours at the plant waiting to discharge legally.
Hence after dark the drivers are taking a shortcut and dumping their loads straight into manholes and storm drains meant only for rainwater, resulting in gallons of liquid shite flowing directly into the Gulf - right next to the prime tourist beaches.
Thus, with one and a half million arseholes discharging into our sewage system on average every day you might say Dubai’s shit out of luck”.
Wazir al-Sniggit, the Luton-educated head of the Marine and Environmental Protection Agency, told the media they had released several large shoals of imported African shit-eating turdfish into the coastal waters recently, but all had been stricken with a previously-unknown strain of pelagic dysentery and were decimated within days.
However Sniggit maintains, in an attempt to reassure tourists, that his agency’s latest test results show samples of the Gulf’s waters are "within the standard".
"Samples were taken from three locations - the harbour café washroom, my apartment’s shower and from the Yacht Club’s swimming pool," explained Mr. al-Sniggit. "It is safe according to our report - within the safe limit - apart from a few drifts of surface clinkers and the odd turd paddling around.
Just remember keep your mouth closed and not to swallow anything lumpy when taking a swim and all should be fine”.
But independent tests arranged by the Dubai Yacht Club show the Gulf’s coastal waters to be highly contaminated with bacteria and human faeces floating in the sea.
“Our tests show the water isn’t safe," related Jeremy Barton-Snott, General Manager of the Yacht Club. “Mr. al-Sniggit’s remarks about a ‘few drifts of clinkers along the coast is totally false. It’s more like an entire flotilla of shitbits”.
“Only yesterday I went out in one of our fast rescue craft to retrieve what I took for a capsized wind surfing board. It turned out to be a twelve-foot long agglomeration of turds with a sail stuck in the middle. Very nasty indeed, a veritable shit-fest”.
Yacht club member Dr. Harry Shipman, head of Dubai’s Euthanasia Medical Centre, advised reporters “Our laboratory tests indicate the coastal waters are highly contaminated with leptospirosis and several other types of evil-sounding bacteria I can’t even spell.”
However, what is troubling Mr. al-Sniggit and his Marine and Environmental Protection Agency staff even more than the current problem is a crisis of Biblical proportions they consider might just be waiting to happen.
Only one of Dubai’s many storm water outlets is currently open and this has been the singular polluting source resulting from the illegal sewage dumping so far.
However, when the first rains come to Dubai this winter all the other outlets will be discharging torrents into the sea along the entire coastline and no-one yet exactly knows how much illegally-dumped festering sewage they currently contain.
Markus Squirrelgroper, a German consultant Crapologist for the Houston-based multi-national sewage processors Shitpits R Us, hired by the Dubai administration to sort out the mess, spoke to an interviewer from the Dubai Daily Dipshit News TV station earlier today.
“Yeah, wot der fuck dese Arab sheik plonkers are tinkin’ I am not knowing. Dey are makin’ how many palm islands here in de Gulf for dese luxury house and tourist hotel an’ not tinkin’ where do all de shit gonna go, eh.”
“Dey haff how many tousands of dese curry-swiller from Pakistan here as labourer dat making a shit maybe ten times a day and only haff one shit treatment plant for de whole place”.
“You know in Washington dey haff fifty treatment plants for all de shit dat goes on dere”.
The putrid problem is caused by the illegal dumping of untreated crap in Dubai's inland storm drain network, as the city's rapid growth outstrips its meagre and pitiful infrastructure at an estimated rate of ten to one.
Outside Dubai's only sewage treatment plant there are long queues of sewage tankers and serious delays due masses of excreted coconut shells and date stones causing havoc and jamming the works of the plant’s filtration machinery.
Dubai’s Minister of Sewage, Sheik Well-before-using, a former flatpack tent erector, told tourism reporters “It’s all these undigested date and fruit stones getting through to the filtration systems and blocking it up.”
“So the truck drivers emptying the city’s septic tanks, who get paid by the shit load, are losing out having to queue for hours at the plant waiting to discharge legally.
Hence after dark the drivers are taking a shortcut and dumping their loads straight into manholes and storm drains meant only for rainwater, resulting in gallons of liquid shite flowing directly into the Gulf - right next to the prime tourist beaches.
Thus, with one and a half million arseholes discharging into our sewage system on average every day you might say Dubai’s shit out of luck”.
Wazir al-Sniggit, the Luton-educated head of the Marine and Environmental Protection Agency, told the media they had released several large shoals of imported African shit-eating turdfish into the coastal waters recently, but all had been stricken with a previously-unknown strain of pelagic dysentery and were decimated within days.
However Sniggit maintains, in an attempt to reassure tourists, that his agency’s latest test results show samples of the Gulf’s waters are "within the standard".
"Samples were taken from three locations - the harbour café washroom, my apartment’s shower and from the Yacht Club’s swimming pool," explained Mr. al-Sniggit. "It is safe according to our report - within the safe limit - apart from a few drifts of surface clinkers and the odd turd paddling around.
Just remember keep your mouth closed and not to swallow anything lumpy when taking a swim and all should be fine”.
But independent tests arranged by the Dubai Yacht Club show the Gulf’s coastal waters to be highly contaminated with bacteria and human faeces floating in the sea.
“Our tests show the water isn’t safe," related Jeremy Barton-Snott, General Manager of the Yacht Club. “Mr. al-Sniggit’s remarks about a ‘few drifts of clinkers along the coast is totally false. It’s more like an entire flotilla of shitbits”.
“Only yesterday I went out in one of our fast rescue craft to retrieve what I took for a capsized wind surfing board. It turned out to be a twelve-foot long agglomeration of turds with a sail stuck in the middle. Very nasty indeed, a veritable shit-fest”.
Yacht club member Dr. Harry Shipman, head of Dubai’s Euthanasia Medical Centre, advised reporters “Our laboratory tests indicate the coastal waters are highly contaminated with leptospirosis and several other types of evil-sounding bacteria I can’t even spell.”
However, what is troubling Mr. al-Sniggit and his Marine and Environmental Protection Agency staff even more than the current problem is a crisis of Biblical proportions they consider might just be waiting to happen.
Only one of Dubai’s many storm water outlets is currently open and this has been the singular polluting source resulting from the illegal sewage dumping so far.
However, when the first rains come to Dubai this winter all the other outlets will be discharging torrents into the sea along the entire coastline and no-one yet exactly knows how much illegally-dumped festering sewage they currently contain.
Markus Squirrelgroper, a German consultant Crapologist for the Houston-based multi-national sewage processors Shitpits R Us, hired by the Dubai administration to sort out the mess, spoke to an interviewer from the Dubai Daily Dipshit News TV station earlier today.
“Yeah, wot der fuck dese Arab sheik plonkers are tinkin’ I am not knowing. Dey are makin’ how many palm islands here in de Gulf for dese luxury house and tourist hotel an’ not tinkin’ where do all de shit gonna go, eh.”
“Dey haff how many tousands of dese curry-swiller from Pakistan here as labourer dat making a shit maybe ten times a day and only haff one shit treatment plant for de whole place”.
“You know in Washington dey haff fifty treatment plants for all de shit dat goes on dere”.
Ringo Too Busy for Autographs
Former Beatle Ringo Starr (real name Harris Stilton) will no longer sign memorabilia for fans and has declared he intends to throw away all fan mail received in the future.
Starr, who shares a birthday with Paddington Bear and is 168 today, stated in a celebratory video message on his website:
"Don’t send any more effin’ fan mail cos I’m bleedin’ sick of the shit. An’ as for autographs, nowt’s gettin’ signed after the 13th of October. If that’s the date on the envelope then it's gonna get tossed in the shitcan.
I'm warnin’ yer wiv peace and love, bruvvers, I’ve got too much to do lookin’ after me nose and these effin’ ‘emorrhoids.
Dressed like a Sicilian undertaker, in black clothes and dark glasses, Starr said it was "a serious message to everybody watching". He added: "No more fan mail and no objects to be signed. Nuffin’, Nada, Nowt, an’ fuck the lot of yers”.
Starr, who released his latest album ‘Liverpool Sucks’ in January, recently completed a tour of the outer planets in our solar system.
The Scouse-born musician currently divides his time between Los Alamos, Calcutta, the Outer Hebrides and living in a cardboard box in Surrey.
In April a 20 foot-high foliage sculpture of Starr’s head, grown on the forecourt of Lime Street train station in Liverpool, was de-beaked by vandals and the base sprayed with the slogan “Trunky’s a Fuckin’ Traitor”.
The rhino-featured performer had reportedly angered Scouse diehards when he disclosed on BBC One’s ‘Friday Night with Jonathan Tosspot’ show that he missed nothing about the shithole of a city where he was born and raised, then fatally commented on live television, “Liverpool : European City of Culture 2008 ? Wot utter bollocks!"
Starr, who started out on the road to fame and riches as a toucan impersonator at the Liverpool Bird Park, came from a poor family whose parents struggled to afford to drag their children up.
Their Toxteth neighbourhood was so poverty-stricken that if anyone paid the rent twice in a month the police came round to investigate where they’d got the money from.
Ringo’s younger sisters, Bingo and Dingo, recalled their brother never attended school but occasionally played with children who did.
“’e wuz allright, our Ringo, like. Always practicin’ ‘is drummin’ like an’ makin’ a fuckin’ noise,” Bingo informed Radio Scouseland. “’e couldn’t afford any drums like so ‘e used to go round Toxteth beatin’ the shit outa the dustbins wiv ‘is nose an’ a couple of chair legs.”
In response to this, Ms. Candida Twatrot, chairthingie of the Ringo Starr Fan Club, told reporters “We consider it a disgrace he has adopted this selfish attitude. His faithful followers, who have spent good money filling his pockets over the years for a return of crap albums, are now to be denied the occasional autographed get well note or a photo."
"Surely he can assign one of his bodyguard lackeys or some slapper from his stable of bitches to process the fan mail even if his haemorrhoids are playing him up. Bloody celebrities! I hope he chokes on his own arrogance”.
Starr, who shares a birthday with Paddington Bear and is 168 today, stated in a celebratory video message on his website:
"Don’t send any more effin’ fan mail cos I’m bleedin’ sick of the shit. An’ as for autographs, nowt’s gettin’ signed after the 13th of October. If that’s the date on the envelope then it's gonna get tossed in the shitcan.
I'm warnin’ yer wiv peace and love, bruvvers, I’ve got too much to do lookin’ after me nose and these effin’ ‘emorrhoids.
Dressed like a Sicilian undertaker, in black clothes and dark glasses, Starr said it was "a serious message to everybody watching". He added: "No more fan mail and no objects to be signed. Nuffin’, Nada, Nowt, an’ fuck the lot of yers”.
Starr, who released his latest album ‘Liverpool Sucks’ in January, recently completed a tour of the outer planets in our solar system.
The Scouse-born musician currently divides his time between Los Alamos, Calcutta, the Outer Hebrides and living in a cardboard box in Surrey.
In April a 20 foot-high foliage sculpture of Starr’s head, grown on the forecourt of Lime Street train station in Liverpool, was de-beaked by vandals and the base sprayed with the slogan “Trunky’s a Fuckin’ Traitor”.
The rhino-featured performer had reportedly angered Scouse diehards when he disclosed on BBC One’s ‘Friday Night with Jonathan Tosspot’ show that he missed nothing about the shithole of a city where he was born and raised, then fatally commented on live television, “Liverpool : European City of Culture 2008 ? Wot utter bollocks!"
Starr, who started out on the road to fame and riches as a toucan impersonator at the Liverpool Bird Park, came from a poor family whose parents struggled to afford to drag their children up.
Their Toxteth neighbourhood was so poverty-stricken that if anyone paid the rent twice in a month the police came round to investigate where they’d got the money from.
Ringo’s younger sisters, Bingo and Dingo, recalled their brother never attended school but occasionally played with children who did.
“’e wuz allright, our Ringo, like. Always practicin’ ‘is drummin’ like an’ makin’ a fuckin’ noise,” Bingo informed Radio Scouseland. “’e couldn’t afford any drums like so ‘e used to go round Toxteth beatin’ the shit outa the dustbins wiv ‘is nose an’ a couple of chair legs.”
In response to this, Ms. Candida Twatrot, chairthingie of the Ringo Starr Fan Club, told reporters “We consider it a disgrace he has adopted this selfish attitude. His faithful followers, who have spent good money filling his pockets over the years for a return of crap albums, are now to be denied the occasional autographed get well note or a photo."
"Surely he can assign one of his bodyguard lackeys or some slapper from his stable of bitches to process the fan mail even if his haemorrhoids are playing him up. Bloody celebrities! I hope he chokes on his own arrogance”.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Sugar’s Crash Landing Screw-up
Sir Alan Sugar, known to sycophants and business associates alike as ‘Sweetie,’ has told accident investigators he made a wrong call when he landed his plane tits-up alongside a Greater Manchester airstrip.
The famously-cantankerous Apprentice star walked away from the light aircraft calamity with no more than a big brown stain down the arse of his trousers when it skidded along the grass verge of the dual carriageway opposite Barton Airport in Manchester.
Sir Alan, 161, who started on the road to fame and fortune as an apprentice conker stringer, laughed off reports he had cheated death in the crash while tossing handfuls of salt, or caster sugar, over his shoulder and fingering a kosher rosary.
Sugar admitted to AAIB officials that he should have aborted his first landing attempt, which happened during a thunderstorm and he was unable to see ‘sweet fuck all’.
The Air Accident Investigation Branch (AAIB) has published a report into the crash, which made a total bollocks of the Cirrus aircraft and destroyed two blocks of council flats and a double-decker bus.
However, Sir Alan and his passenger, Bonjella de Chlamydia, were unharmed in the incident alongside Barton airfield when they activated their ejector seats, coming to land safely outside a nearby McDonald’s Chew n Spew outlet.
The AAIB report, termed an “utter whitewash” by certain critics and news reporters, stated : "As the aircraft turned onto the final approach, the visibility deteriorated, and the breeze shifted, becoming a violent tail wind.
The pilot lost sight of the far end of the runway in the poor visibility, and touched down in the middle of the dual carriageway bordering the airfield. Conscious of the risk of skidding on the potholed road, he panicked and jammed on the brakes.
The aircraft then ran off the road into a rough area of long grass and ended up embedded in a block of flats. Both occupants vacated the aircraft without difficulty or injury by utilizing their ejector seats.”
Sugar was visiting Manchester to attend the opening of an exhibition displaying his personal priceless collection of Pre-Columbian Tupperware at the Metropolitan Museum.
He later accompanied personal assistant Bonjella to the city centre branch of W.H. Smuts for a book signing engagement to publicise her recently-released travelogue “Across the Samarkand Desert with Mother Teresa’s Brother”.
stop press: The AAIB have now informed Sugar he’s fired.
The famously-cantankerous Apprentice star walked away from the light aircraft calamity with no more than a big brown stain down the arse of his trousers when it skidded along the grass verge of the dual carriageway opposite Barton Airport in Manchester.
Sir Alan, 161, who started on the road to fame and fortune as an apprentice conker stringer, laughed off reports he had cheated death in the crash while tossing handfuls of salt, or caster sugar, over his shoulder and fingering a kosher rosary.
Sugar admitted to AAIB officials that he should have aborted his first landing attempt, which happened during a thunderstorm and he was unable to see ‘sweet fuck all’.
The Air Accident Investigation Branch (AAIB) has published a report into the crash, which made a total bollocks of the Cirrus aircraft and destroyed two blocks of council flats and a double-decker bus.
However, Sir Alan and his passenger, Bonjella de Chlamydia, were unharmed in the incident alongside Barton airfield when they activated their ejector seats, coming to land safely outside a nearby McDonald’s Chew n Spew outlet.
The AAIB report, termed an “utter whitewash” by certain critics and news reporters, stated : "As the aircraft turned onto the final approach, the visibility deteriorated, and the breeze shifted, becoming a violent tail wind.
The pilot lost sight of the far end of the runway in the poor visibility, and touched down in the middle of the dual carriageway bordering the airfield. Conscious of the risk of skidding on the potholed road, he panicked and jammed on the brakes.
The aircraft then ran off the road into a rough area of long grass and ended up embedded in a block of flats. Both occupants vacated the aircraft without difficulty or injury by utilizing their ejector seats.”
Sugar was visiting Manchester to attend the opening of an exhibition displaying his personal priceless collection of Pre-Columbian Tupperware at the Metropolitan Museum.
He later accompanied personal assistant Bonjella to the city centre branch of W.H. Smuts for a book signing engagement to publicise her recently-released travelogue “Across the Samarkand Desert with Mother Teresa’s Brother”.
stop press: The AAIB have now informed Sugar he’s fired.
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Barbed Wire Banned After Thief Scratched
Gardeners at Smegmadale’s Sunnysideup Allotments have been ordered by the local authorities to remove the barbed wire capping fences around their respective lots due a teenage vegetable thief filing a personal injury claim against the district council after scratching his arm while stealing a cucumber.
Vince Scrunt, a fifteen-year-old schoolboy studying for a GCSE in Advanced Vandalism at Smegmadale’s Asbo Central High, told reporters “Look at me fuckin’ arm like, a bleedin’ big scratch right down the side an’ through the middle of me nude Jade Goody tattoo. All I wanted woz a cucumber to give me bitch one wiv as I ‘ad a spot of brewer’s droop after the fifteen pints of Stella I’d supped.”
“Anyways, we woz up at the back of the allotments ‘avin’ a good old grope in the dark like and the bitch is all ‘ot an’ juicy an’ beggin’ me for it an’ I can’t get me cock up, so I tells ‘er I’m gonna ‘ave a slash an’ goes an’ reaches over the fence to grab a bleedin’ cucumber to give ‘er one wiv as she’s ‘alf pissed an’ wouldn’t know the difference. Anyways I grabs the thingy like an’ scratches me arm on the effin’ barbed wire these gardenin’ twats ‘ave put up round the veggies.”
“It’s not effin’ on, I woz at the bleedin’ A & E ‘alf the friggin’ night getting’ an elastoplast for it, fuckin’ blood everywhere, all down the front of me best Amy Shitehouse t-shirt. Me solicitor reckons I might be psychologically traumatised too, wotever the fuck that means.”
However, Jarvis Cobbledork, a former cormorant plucker and spokesman for the allotment gardeners, told the media “It’s utter madness, these young hoodie thugs come scrounging and sneaking around here at nights stealing our veggies and the tools out of our sheds and the council is saying we can’t safeguard our property?”
Smegmadale’s Sunnysideup Allotments gained fame last year when they were featured on the BBC’s Gardener’s World as a prize-winning source of organic produce such as octane-boosted cabbage, decaffeinated broccoli, unleaded onions, CPF-free carrots and their unique hybrid Smegmadale dwarf coconuts.
Smegmadale police investigating the ‘scratching incident’ yesterday confiscated a M60 machine gun and a grenade launcher from the gardening shed of allotment owner Wilf Alzheimer, a retired donkeystone vendor, and further cautioned pensioner Des Wankworth over the dangers of breeding razorback piranhas and Siamese farting fish in the moat around his vegetable patch.
Police forensics officers are currently studying blood and tissue samples taken from the bamboo punji spears lining the bottoms of several fall traps dug in the allotment’s pathways. The partially decomposed bodies of an undisclosed number of shell-suit clad chavs were recovered from the site’s communal compost heap and taken to Smegmadale’s Millennium Mortuary to determine the causes of death.
Inspector Harry Minge informed the media that a report will be passed to the Director of Public Prosecutions following the allotment’s impounded dried blood and bone meal fertiliser stocks testing positive for traces of both human and Neanderthal DNA.
Vince Scrunt, a fifteen-year-old schoolboy studying for a GCSE in Advanced Vandalism at Smegmadale’s Asbo Central High, told reporters “Look at me fuckin’ arm like, a bleedin’ big scratch right down the side an’ through the middle of me nude Jade Goody tattoo. All I wanted woz a cucumber to give me bitch one wiv as I ‘ad a spot of brewer’s droop after the fifteen pints of Stella I’d supped.”
“Anyways, we woz up at the back of the allotments ‘avin’ a good old grope in the dark like and the bitch is all ‘ot an’ juicy an’ beggin’ me for it an’ I can’t get me cock up, so I tells ‘er I’m gonna ‘ave a slash an’ goes an’ reaches over the fence to grab a bleedin’ cucumber to give ‘er one wiv as she’s ‘alf pissed an’ wouldn’t know the difference. Anyways I grabs the thingy like an’ scratches me arm on the effin’ barbed wire these gardenin’ twats ‘ave put up round the veggies.”
“It’s not effin’ on, I woz at the bleedin’ A & E ‘alf the friggin’ night getting’ an elastoplast for it, fuckin’ blood everywhere, all down the front of me best Amy Shitehouse t-shirt. Me solicitor reckons I might be psychologically traumatised too, wotever the fuck that means.”
However, Jarvis Cobbledork, a former cormorant plucker and spokesman for the allotment gardeners, told the media “It’s utter madness, these young hoodie thugs come scrounging and sneaking around here at nights stealing our veggies and the tools out of our sheds and the council is saying we can’t safeguard our property?”
Smegmadale’s Sunnysideup Allotments gained fame last year when they were featured on the BBC’s Gardener’s World as a prize-winning source of organic produce such as octane-boosted cabbage, decaffeinated broccoli, unleaded onions, CPF-free carrots and their unique hybrid Smegmadale dwarf coconuts.
Smegmadale police investigating the ‘scratching incident’ yesterday confiscated a M60 machine gun and a grenade launcher from the gardening shed of allotment owner Wilf Alzheimer, a retired donkeystone vendor, and further cautioned pensioner Des Wankworth over the dangers of breeding razorback piranhas and Siamese farting fish in the moat around his vegetable patch.
Police forensics officers are currently studying blood and tissue samples taken from the bamboo punji spears lining the bottoms of several fall traps dug in the allotment’s pathways. The partially decomposed bodies of an undisclosed number of shell-suit clad chavs were recovered from the site’s communal compost heap and taken to Smegmadale’s Millennium Mortuary to determine the causes of death.
Inspector Harry Minge informed the media that a report will be passed to the Director of Public Prosecutions following the allotment’s impounded dried blood and bone meal fertiliser stocks testing positive for traces of both human and Neanderthal DNA.
Santa Claus Vacancy at JobCentre Plus
Job Title FATHER CHRISTMAS / SANTA CLAUS
Ref : ALU /62734
Location : Lapland based / Worldwide distribution network
Hours : Christmas Eve : Dusk til dawn
Wage : MEETS NATIONAL MINIMUM WAGE
Work Pattern : Night shift
Employer : Grotty Grottos Ltd
Pension : ? Don’t be silly
Duration : One night per annum
Description :
As Father Christmas you will be required to hold quality interviews with children visiting your grotto, sit them on your lap and give each child a present (?) then have your photograph taken with them.
If you can grow a long white beard in a few days and see yourself as Father Christmas in this festive, credit-crunch season we would love to hear from you. Male and female applicants are welcomed.
A full Father Christmas costume will be provided.
This is a fixed term contract for November and December.
Ideal position for anyone with church choir or Boy Scout experience.
Successful applicants are required to provide an enhanced disclosure from the national police records bureau stating they have no past convictions for child molesting or engaging in sex with animals. Disclosure expense will be met by employer.
Persons already on the sex offenders register are not eligible to apply.
Experience of working with reindeer and a sleigh and climbing down chimney stacks is desirable but training will be provided for the right applicant.
See www.dwp.gov.uk for more information or email a CV and covering letter to jobs@grottygrottos.co.uk or apply on line at www.grottygrottos.com
How to apply :
You can apply for this job by telephoning the North Pole / toll-free number 011111 1111111 or 01111 11111111 and asking for Harry the Elf.
Ref : ALU /62734
Location : Lapland based / Worldwide distribution network
Hours : Christmas Eve : Dusk til dawn
Wage : MEETS NATIONAL MINIMUM WAGE
Work Pattern : Night shift
Employer : Grotty Grottos Ltd
Pension : ? Don’t be silly
Duration : One night per annum
Description :
As Father Christmas you will be required to hold quality interviews with children visiting your grotto, sit them on your lap and give each child a present (?) then have your photograph taken with them.
If you can grow a long white beard in a few days and see yourself as Father Christmas in this festive, credit-crunch season we would love to hear from you. Male and female applicants are welcomed.
A full Father Christmas costume will be provided.
This is a fixed term contract for November and December.
Ideal position for anyone with church choir or Boy Scout experience.
Successful applicants are required to provide an enhanced disclosure from the national police records bureau stating they have no past convictions for child molesting or engaging in sex with animals. Disclosure expense will be met by employer.
Persons already on the sex offenders register are not eligible to apply.
Experience of working with reindeer and a sleigh and climbing down chimney stacks is desirable but training will be provided for the right applicant.
See www.dwp.gov.uk for more information or email a CV and covering letter to jobs@grottygrottos.co.uk or apply on line at www.grottygrottos.com
How to apply :
You can apply for this job by telephoning the North Pole / toll-free number 011111 1111111 or 01111 11111111 and asking for Harry the Elf.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
'Unbreakable' Contestants Sue Channel Five
The Channel Five mega viewer-pulling sadistic reality television show ‘Unbreakable’ is being sued in a class action suit by a group of masochistic celebrity contestants after several actually ended up ‘Broken’.
Ross Crunt, who plays the resident hardman character ‘Fuckwit’ in the BBC’s popular ‘Bellenders’ series, was hospitalised after a live porcupine was rammed up his rear passage in a recent Unbreakable episode, and swallowing four gallons of syrup of figs, plus undergoing a bisacodyl laxative enema, failed to force it out again.
Consulting proctologist Dr. Arthur Turdprodder advised Crunt that it was a thing he was going to have to learn to live with, a bit like a tapeworm with spines.
Chantelle Slagrat, the celebrity slapper presenter of More 4’s popular weekend ‘Get Yer Tits Out’ quiz show, contracted a virulent dose of incurable reptilian clap when she was restrained in a leather bondage harness and forced to copulate with an alligator in Unbreakable’s ‘Shag a Croc’ feature.
Transvestite star of Sky Digital’s “Bollocks or Boobs”, Sinead Slackbladder, a former jockstrap model, had the nipples of her / his (?) massive hormone-induced 42 DD breasts bitten off during a frantic naked swim across a pool of piranha-infested custard while being harassed by machine-gun fire.
Celebrity stuntman Lenny Dorkmonger, an ex-aardvark juggler from Luton-on-Sea, ended up in a wheelchair after his attempt to complete Unbreakable’s Cambodian Hopscotch challenge resulted in him treading on several landmines and requiring a new pair of feet.
Sir Dinsdale Killjoy, Chairperson of the UK’s television watchdog body Ofcom, told media reporters that "Unbreakable’s own promotional motto of 'Pain is great to watch' is, in itself, a damning indictment and sufficient reason for banning the programme. The show’s content is simply unacceptable to be broadcast during Childrens’ Hour or have excerpts shown on Blue Peter.”
He further commented “How can successive batches of eight people be so stupid and driven to compete, and claim their five minutes of global fame, that they’ll stand next to an exploding mongoose, get shit on from a dizzy height by a set of dysentery-stricken badgers, then drink the contents of a Turkish urinal for no more than Pride and to prove to themselves that Pain is Glory.”
Lionel Hugefee QC, barrister for the claimants, when interviewed by reporters for his opinion on why the contestants volunteered for the show, replied “Who might accurately assess the mental aberrations of lunatics, apart from the fact they’re totally fucked in the head."
"If they had another brain cell between them, I venture it would die of loneliness."
"However, for me personally, it’s the perfect money-spinning transition from entertainment to sado-masochism, and a most lucrative piece of litigation.”
The class action suit to sue Unbreakable was organised and filed by actress Rachel Snott, who played the alluring and mysterious ‘Glenda Wankrat’ in Sky’s long-running soap opera ‘Smegmadale’.
The sexy artiste was a guest contestant on Unbreakable earlier this year.
After agreeing with a dare to be locked in a pillory with a sack over her head, she was debagged and buggered by Bonker, the programme producer’s Great Dane.
This provoked bouts of hilarious delight and laughter from the studio audience who gathered round and pulled the sack off her head then poked her eyes out with sharp sticks while urinating on her feet.
Tristan Madeupname, a former Big Issue salesperson, and now a leading character actor in the BBC4 period extravaganza ‘Beachy Head Revisited’, suffered a nervous breakdown and caught a rare type of medieval plague when he appeared on Unbreakable.
“I gets strapped down on a scaffolding plank set between two chairs like, wiv me ‘ead tilted back”, Tristan informed reporters. “It’s gonna be a waterboardin’ session, I sez to meself. I can ‘andle that real easy. Good for me tough guy actin’ image on the telly like, innit eh.”
“Anyways, I’m lyin’ there all ‘elpless like, just waitin’ for a couple of the resident thugs to shove a towel across me face an’ start pourin’ water over it. Next thing in walks Jade fuckin’ Goody, leans over and shoves ‘er bleedin’ tongue down me throat, then hitches ‘er skirt up, spreads ‘er legs an’ jams ‘er crotch right over me face an’ sez “Eat me, bitch boy.”
“I ain’t kiddin’ mate, it woz bleedin’ ‘orrible. I’ve muffed plenty of slappers and some evil snatch in me time but this was worse than fuckin’ gross. Just as she spreads ‘er thighs over me face about ‘alf a dozen bats flew out of ‘er cunt, then she’s got ‘old of me ‘air and jams’ me gob right up against ‘er twat like. Next thing I’m bleedin’ suffocatin’ cos me ‘ead’s right inside ‘er stinkin’ cunt. It’s all womb, gloom an’ effin’ doom from where I’m at.”
“I'm just about to pass out wiv 'a avin' me 'ead rammed against 'er G-spot when she ‘as an orgasm and pulls me ‘ead out an’ I’m covered in slime and retchin’ out a gobfull of bleedin’ maggots.”
“I reckons I’m gonna be in therapy for effin’ years after that experience.”
A Channel Five spokesman told the media that all the challenges were supervised by torture experts from Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and doubly reviewed by the programme’s resident medical specialists from the illustrious Harold Shipman Institute for Medical Excellence.
He further explained that all the volunteers had a full mental assessment before participating in the show to certify they were already brain dead.
Ofcom announced today that Unbreakable’s scheduled Auschwitz Holocaust Holiday feature of the show, in which contestants would be gassed with Xyclon B while taking a shower, and then cremated, has been put on hold until next year.
Allergy warning : this article may contain traces of sado-masochism as it was written according to the dictates of the Spanish Inquisition.
Ross Crunt, who plays the resident hardman character ‘Fuckwit’ in the BBC’s popular ‘Bellenders’ series, was hospitalised after a live porcupine was rammed up his rear passage in a recent Unbreakable episode, and swallowing four gallons of syrup of figs, plus undergoing a bisacodyl laxative enema, failed to force it out again.
Consulting proctologist Dr. Arthur Turdprodder advised Crunt that it was a thing he was going to have to learn to live with, a bit like a tapeworm with spines.
Chantelle Slagrat, the celebrity slapper presenter of More 4’s popular weekend ‘Get Yer Tits Out’ quiz show, contracted a virulent dose of incurable reptilian clap when she was restrained in a leather bondage harness and forced to copulate with an alligator in Unbreakable’s ‘Shag a Croc’ feature.
Transvestite star of Sky Digital’s “Bollocks or Boobs”, Sinead Slackbladder, a former jockstrap model, had the nipples of her / his (?) massive hormone-induced 42 DD breasts bitten off during a frantic naked swim across a pool of piranha-infested custard while being harassed by machine-gun fire.
Celebrity stuntman Lenny Dorkmonger, an ex-aardvark juggler from Luton-on-Sea, ended up in a wheelchair after his attempt to complete Unbreakable’s Cambodian Hopscotch challenge resulted in him treading on several landmines and requiring a new pair of feet.
Sir Dinsdale Killjoy, Chairperson of the UK’s television watchdog body Ofcom, told media reporters that "Unbreakable’s own promotional motto of 'Pain is great to watch' is, in itself, a damning indictment and sufficient reason for banning the programme. The show’s content is simply unacceptable to be broadcast during Childrens’ Hour or have excerpts shown on Blue Peter.”
He further commented “How can successive batches of eight people be so stupid and driven to compete, and claim their five minutes of global fame, that they’ll stand next to an exploding mongoose, get shit on from a dizzy height by a set of dysentery-stricken badgers, then drink the contents of a Turkish urinal for no more than Pride and to prove to themselves that Pain is Glory.”
Lionel Hugefee QC, barrister for the claimants, when interviewed by reporters for his opinion on why the contestants volunteered for the show, replied “Who might accurately assess the mental aberrations of lunatics, apart from the fact they’re totally fucked in the head."
"If they had another brain cell between them, I venture it would die of loneliness."
"However, for me personally, it’s the perfect money-spinning transition from entertainment to sado-masochism, and a most lucrative piece of litigation.”
The class action suit to sue Unbreakable was organised and filed by actress Rachel Snott, who played the alluring and mysterious ‘Glenda Wankrat’ in Sky’s long-running soap opera ‘Smegmadale’.
The sexy artiste was a guest contestant on Unbreakable earlier this year.
After agreeing with a dare to be locked in a pillory with a sack over her head, she was debagged and buggered by Bonker, the programme producer’s Great Dane.
This provoked bouts of hilarious delight and laughter from the studio audience who gathered round and pulled the sack off her head then poked her eyes out with sharp sticks while urinating on her feet.
Tristan Madeupname, a former Big Issue salesperson, and now a leading character actor in the BBC4 period extravaganza ‘Beachy Head Revisited’, suffered a nervous breakdown and caught a rare type of medieval plague when he appeared on Unbreakable.
“I gets strapped down on a scaffolding plank set between two chairs like, wiv me ‘ead tilted back”, Tristan informed reporters. “It’s gonna be a waterboardin’ session, I sez to meself. I can ‘andle that real easy. Good for me tough guy actin’ image on the telly like, innit eh.”
“Anyways, I’m lyin’ there all ‘elpless like, just waitin’ for a couple of the resident thugs to shove a towel across me face an’ start pourin’ water over it. Next thing in walks Jade fuckin’ Goody, leans over and shoves ‘er bleedin’ tongue down me throat, then hitches ‘er skirt up, spreads ‘er legs an’ jams ‘er crotch right over me face an’ sez “Eat me, bitch boy.”
“I ain’t kiddin’ mate, it woz bleedin’ ‘orrible. I’ve muffed plenty of slappers and some evil snatch in me time but this was worse than fuckin’ gross. Just as she spreads ‘er thighs over me face about ‘alf a dozen bats flew out of ‘er cunt, then she’s got ‘old of me ‘air and jams’ me gob right up against ‘er twat like. Next thing I’m bleedin’ suffocatin’ cos me ‘ead’s right inside ‘er stinkin’ cunt. It’s all womb, gloom an’ effin’ doom from where I’m at.”
“I'm just about to pass out wiv 'a avin' me 'ead rammed against 'er G-spot when she ‘as an orgasm and pulls me ‘ead out an’ I’m covered in slime and retchin’ out a gobfull of bleedin’ maggots.”
“I reckons I’m gonna be in therapy for effin’ years after that experience.”
A Channel Five spokesman told the media that all the challenges were supervised by torture experts from Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and doubly reviewed by the programme’s resident medical specialists from the illustrious Harold Shipman Institute for Medical Excellence.
He further explained that all the volunteers had a full mental assessment before participating in the show to certify they were already brain dead.
Ofcom announced today that Unbreakable’s scheduled Auschwitz Holocaust Holiday feature of the show, in which contestants would be gassed with Xyclon B while taking a shower, and then cremated, has been put on hold until next year.
Allergy warning : this article may contain traces of sado-masochism as it was written according to the dictates of the Spanish Inquisition.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)