US Olympic Swimmers Win Gold: for Lying

In today’s ‘You Couldn't Make This Shit Up’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from 'Jumpin Joe' Mengele – our reformed Nazi 'guy on the ground in Rio' - manning the Olympics mobile hotline for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

To secure his release from police custody for perverting the course of justice, US Olympic swimmer Jimmy Feigen has agreed to fork out a cash up front payment of $11,000 bucks (no credit cards or cheques) to a Brazilian charity (the Rio Police Dept) – stemming from charges which focus on his personal – and bad-ass 'bro-dom' buddies - criminal involvement in a dispute regarding a fantasised armed robbery that never occurred.

Feigen publicly confessed to one media hack from the Tosspots Gazette that he was a perjurious, deceitful scrote, and one of the four educationally-subnormal gold medallists who – including cloned amphibian 'Lyin Ryan' Lochte - hit the international gutter press headlines after Lochte claimed the group had been robbed at gunpoint by Brazilian scallies while on their way home from a late night boozy clubbing session around Rio's notorious Vila Mimosa 'Three Holers' red light district.

The bizarre story began when 'Jeah Man' Lochte's mother blabbed to US media hacks that her son has been robbed in Rio – at gunpoint - by four thieves kitted out in police uniforms.
The intellectually-challenged Lochte - an egocentric dork whose head is so far up his own arse it's a fucking wonder he can still draw breath - gave his own account of the events, claiming he and fellow doggy paddlers - Gunnar Bend-Over, Jack Conger-Eel and James Feigen - were returning by taxi from the Via Mimosa area's Los Paedos Club in the early hours of the morning when they were robbed at gunpoint by men who forced the vehicle to pull over.

Lyin Ryan further claimed a handgun barrel was pressed against his forehead when he refused to cooperate with the thieves' demands that he hand over his gold medals and Frequent Flyers Club card, and, casting himself as the all-American hero - stated it was only this courageous refusal and staring down his would-be assassins while singing the Star Spangled Banner - with right hand squarely on his heart - that saved the foursome from certain death.

Conversely the clique of jock swimmers failed to report the robbery incident to police or the US Olympic Committee – with Rio's Finest (sic) only get involved after seeing TV reports castigating their habitual inefficiency.
However, when the plods began to investigate, evidence appeared to reveal a matrix of deception and big black porky pies which told a different story and ruled out any possibility that the crime had ever occurred.

Rio police chief Artoro Corruptioni informed media hacks that "No robbery was committed against these athletes. My men were holding up and robbing motorists on the other side of the city that night, so they were not victims of the crimes they claim."
"Rather the case involved a clique of shit-for-brains drunken athletes with an exaggerated sense of entitlement, out and about in a host country, hell bent on an ego-driven power trip and displaying a disgraceful abuse of privilege by vandalising the crapper at a petrol station in Casa Wanka, some 10 miles from the Olympic Park at Barra da Fuckup - when they found the door locked and kicked it in – with the gas station security guard justifiably drawing his gun when one of the swimmers began behaving erratically and deliberately pissed on his work issue boots."

CCTV footage was recovered from the gas station 'and' of the drunken athlete's return to the Olympic Village, showing them laughing and joking - and handing over wallets, phones and with an assortment of medals hung around their necks as they passed through the security screens – proving that they had not been robbed.

At the first mention of the Rio police kick starting an investigation into the false robbery claims, Lyin Ryan was on a plane back to the good ole US of A faster than a rat out of an aqueduct – while his hapless vandalising buddies – Bend-Over and Conger Eel were snatched off their flight home – who, along with the already-collared Feigen, were coerced into telling the truth after copping a couple of 'persuasive' industrial strength Chinese Burns apiece and viewing a selection of piccies displaying the total lack of home comforts to be had inside a Brazilian 'suck n swallow' sodomite's paradise prison.

Feigen's lawyer, Benny Scumbaggio, told reporters "After a long deliberation with the Prosecutor's Office an agreement has been reached and my client will donate 35,000 reais ($10,800) to the Police Benevolent Fund – what your American bankster types refer to as 'lots and lots of money' - and with that the case is resolved and Jimmy Feigen can return home to his elitist WASP culture preppy pals in the US to smash up as many gas station toilet doors as he likes."

Were you in Brazil (where the nuts – and Espresso beans - come from) for the XXXI Olympiad? Did you actually compete in the Rio de Janeiro Olympics? Win a medal for the 'kicking in gas station bog doors' race – or for the 'perverting the course of justice' freestyle event? How about getting robbed at gunpoint while in a taxi? Did you make any mega-bucks donations to the Rio police's 'Graft & Corruption fund' to save your sorry, lying ass from criminal charges?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a Brazilian 'Get Outa Jail Free' voucher.
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Thought for the day. Hmmm, to paraphrase the title of his one-off crap TV show: 'What Would Ryan Lochte Do?' Make a run for it and leave his bro-dom white buddies in the shit and facing the music in police state Brazil.

Little wonder Lyin' Ryan's loutish public persona and obnoxious character have inspired a series of unflattering internet memes.
Ah well, WTF can we expect. Nowt changes – the 'Ugly American' abroad image is alive and well - and strikes yet again.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Raving Rupert Mudrock's News Corp and the uber-racist Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence - (unless one has the audacity to dare expose, name and shame the membership ranks of Scotland's Masonic Speculative Society 'Nonce Ponce' Magic Circle / Violate BD/SM Club kiddie fiddling cabal – along with their Holyrood Parliament / Crown Office sodomite / paedo-enablers and cover-up protectors).