Friday, 21 February 2014

Climate Change Tagged ‘Terrorist Threat’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

‘Man of the People’ wannabe Ed Millipede grabs a self-promoting media photo-op’ to borrow a pair of wellies from some hapless Queen’s Own Sandbag Regiment squaddie and go wading around a flood-stricken Somerset shopping mall – which is a fuck of a sight better than Posh Dave Scameron’s pathetic excuse for an Environment Minister Farmer Owen ‘Shiny Shoes’ Paterson, the Tory MP for Barking Mad, who turned up last weekend in Bridgewater wearing his Sunday best loafers and went on a puddle-dodging walk-about – much to the outrage of the residents who’ve been treading water in their front rooms since Christmas.

Following his propaganda-generating wetlands excursion and experiencing a personal epiphany of the shape of things to come, the gospel according to New Labour’s child prodigy leader claims that as this has been the wettest winter since the last wet winter, then climate change has become a ‘first strike’ issue of national security – on a par with Jolly Jihad Islamic terrorism - with Broken Britain ‘sleepwalking’ into a ‘rising damp’ crisis as storms cause major disruptions and flooding across the snob-infested south west of our once sceptred isle.

Hmmm, if it’s deemed a national security problem of Biblical proportions, then MI5 can take a break from murdering whistle-blowing weapons inspectors up in the Grassy Knoll Woods - and stuffing fudger GCHQ analysts inside big black North Face holdalls in their bathtubs – and scheming up more 7/7 style false flag terrorist attacks to demonise our multi-cultural society’s Muslim neighbours – and get together with useless armed forces to sort out the ‘weather wars’ problem – just as long as we don’t ‘sleepwalk’ into voting a Wallace n Gromit-run Labour Party back into office come the May 2015 elections.

The Marxist Millipede opined to one gutter press hack from Sink or Swim magazine that the faulty science on the freak weather issue was overwhelming, citing the government's own special representative on climate change, Sir David King Kong, the hirsute primate inventor of such wonders as the ‘inflatable hedgehog’ and ‘straight bananas’ - who recently warned: "The severe weather conditions that have occurred once every 100 years in the past may now be happening more frequently – like twice a week - and the reason is either changes in the climate patterns or the fact that the Yank’s HAARP weather wars programme has made a total fuck up of the North Atlantic jet stream.”

Conversely, Ron McScrote, director of the Paddlers charity, gave media hacks a veritable earful over the short-sighted inactions of the Con-Dem coalition government.
“I mean ter say, wot the fuck is goin’ on here, sat in me own front room watchin’ the telly in a pair of waders an’ havin’ ter go down ter the local Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket wearin’ an effin’ life jacket.”
“Me an’ the missus suspected summat woz fucked up when we bought our place on the Flood Plain Housin’ Estate durin’ the summer hosepipe ban a coupla years ago an’ ended up wiv a discounted semi’ on Deep Water Lane – an’ we only found out later that the previous owner had drowned in the back garden while tryin’ ter put her wheelie bin out on the pavement.”

“There’s no denyin’ the obvious fuckin’ fact that it’s rainin’ more but Posh Dave Scameron and his gang are usin’ the flawed pseudo-science bullshit same as they did wiv the anthropogenic global warmin’ scaremongerin’ sham and blame it all on ‘human activity’ ter push the Edomite bankin’ mafia’s carbon credits cap n trade exchange scam – when wot we should be lookin’ at is Gustav’s Chaos Precept wot states – ‘shit happens’.”

“Climate change ain’t nowt new an’ it’s cyclic and has bin since the dawn of time an’ relative ter the moods and swings of the Sun – an’ human activity is a drop in the fuckin’ ocean that has fuck all effect on the climate – apart from the chemtrails and HAARP ‘climate engineerin’ of course, wot in all truth has bin goin’ on since the 1960’s – but there again they’re not a part of everyday ‘human activity’ but stealth geo-engineerin’ / weather wars scams conjured up ter expedite the Agenda 21 schedule.”

“Now this latest bit of scaremongerin’ that the effin’ government’s pushing wiv the sinkhole epidemic wot’s swallowin’ compact hybrid family saloons, retirement bungalows an’ granny’s wiv Zimmer frames is bein’ blamed on ‘climate change’ – an’ then we got the conspiracy theorists sayin’ it’s all down ter these frackin’ industry tossers wot’s causin’ them.”
“Whereas my personal view for the cause of these sinkholes is a toss up between frackin’ and the excess dead-weight of welfare benefit scrounging gyppo and pikey economic migrants arriving on our shores from this joke of an EU community. Fer Christ’s sake, we’re only an island at the end of the day an’ it just can’t take the weight of any more immigrants.”

Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Emissions Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles; Syrian refugees or Holohoax victims were harmed in posting this message.
However, a large number of the GCHQ / NSA Five Eyes Alliance’s Prism / Tempora / Carnivore / Echelon / X-Keyscore / SIG-INT I-Spy super snooper ‘Nosy Bastard’ wire-tap / eavesdropping system’s network electrons on Hubble Bubble Road in Cheltenham that data mine for the MI5 / CIA blackmail scandal dossiers were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day. With the Tory’s train fare-dodging Chancellor George ‘Spankies’ Osborne already conjuring up fresh VAT charges on welly boots and umbrellas to boost the Treasury coffers and pay off the IMF foreign loan debt’s burgeoning interest rates - what the fuck is the betting that given a week of solid sunshine this summer (sic – we wish) then Defra slap us with a hosepipe ban.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area and whilst purposely blending slanderous comments and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour and hard facts, may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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