Moggy I/D Cards to be Law

Micro-chipping pet moggies - and equipping the furry fuckers with digital identity collars - is set to become a mandatory practice under the wide-ranging new cross-species animal welfare plan – the latest utterly ridiculous piece of totalitarian control freak legislation to be foisted on Food Bank Britain's apathetic voting public by Bonkers Boris Nonsense' Tory Nasty Party political machine.

This is a legislative measure petitioned and lobbied by the 'Cat Lives Matter' grotty Granny activist group led by the pro-Moggyite, 94-year old Gladys Tonker - the draft copy of which initially included the long-sought ban by feminist groups on referring to female, and non-binary, canines as 'bitches'.

Wholeheartedly promoted by incumbent Environment Secretary – (the ex-UKIP Shadow Secretary for Apple Picking Affairs), Georgie 'Hunchback' Useless – he explained to Andrew 'Bat Ears' Marr on the BBC's Daft Ideas programme that the policy would be monitored by a newly-formed team of para-military Cat Squad enforcers composed of butch dyke Grandmas.

Conversely, following the interview, Minister Useless refused to answer a stream of questions from gutter press hacks. Was this tracking chip project simply going to morph into another government revenue-generating scam – and as he was rumoured to have dodgy links to the founder of the Cats Lives Matter group - was he willing to be micro-chipped himself?

Under the existing law, dog owners can be fined what banksters refer to as 'lots and lots of money' for not having their canine companion licensed, chipped and in possession of a current 'chip' certificate, signed by two vets and a magistrate.

Doris Croaker, exec' director of the pro-Zionist Inhumane Society – (just prior to her venom-induced death – inflicted while attempting to microchip a pet Mamba) - informed reporters that the Tory administration recognising animal sentience – and the fact that 'cats lives do matter' – as much so as dogs – was the biggest win for sentient being welfare since the 2012 United Nations recognition of the captive, marginalised State of Palestine - by 138 members (excluding the rogue state of Israel and the US of A) – with 'observer status'.

Jacqui Snott, head of the Furry Felchers Animal Sanctuary, opined that compulsory micro-chipping of all pets – cats and otherwise - could help the money-grubbing RSPCA bureaucrats trace and prosecute the people who flush goldfish down the crapper - and toss litters of unwanted kittens into canals.

Minister Useless further explained that he intended to form an expert animal sentience committee, composed of reformed felchers, which would advise on policy regarding the chipping of anal orifice-sized mammals: hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, dwarf rabbits and ferrets.

When questioned if the legislation would affect hunting, fishing or road-building projects which might disturb protected badger - or stoat – or homeless person - habitats, Useless replied that the current recognition of animal sentience was focused on pets and livestock more so than creatures falling into the Linnean taxonomy index of 'wildlife and vermin'.

There again, on the 'bright side' (sic) - additional legislation, to restrict the unmonitored and delinquent use of 'the Insta-Stick' and 'Gotcha!' brands of glue traps - designed to capture rats, mice and mooching unemployed types - would also be supported by the Tory government.

It will further enshrine in law that animals, in fact all vertebrates - (just like homeless persons and foxes) - have the capacity to feel hunger and pain, and become acutely aware they are pariahs of society and thus exposed to having extinction level event sanctions placed on their very mortal existence.

However, the stench of gross hypocrisy may be in the air, for back in 2020 the House of Conmans voted down an Upper House of Frauds amendment to block imports from the EUSSR – and other countries –- that didn't meet Food Bank Britain's welfare and food safety standards - specifically the Great Satan US of A - where beef stocks are routinely shot full of hormones - and chickens pressure washed with chlorine to remove the smell of shit.

Skewed News Roundup

Well, the May 17th Covid-1984 crisis regulations easing date fast approaches, and even the official lying scumsters, Chris Shitty, Neil 'Wrong Again' Ferguson, and Sir Paddy Unbalanced, are failing miserably to conjure up some even more fatal 'variant' of this coronavirus and convince Bonkers Boris to extend the loopy lockdown until Christmas – cos the Boris Beast has let slip he couldn't give a flying fuck if there's a zillion dead Covid casualties littering the streets of our once sceptred isle – as he ain't ordering another lockdown.

Cabinet Office Minister Michael 'Pob' Gove, asked by one press hack whether a ban on hugging people would be lifted, replied that "friendly contact" was something the government wanted to see – with Sir Buffy Brown-Hatter, Tory MP for the Old Fudgers constituency adding "and that includes secret Masonic handshakes, an intimate 'happy ending' at one's local Rub n Tug massage parlour - or a big cuddle for Granny in her HMP standard care home – or muff diving on the MILF next door without a condom on your tongue – or the resident Worstminster civil service sodomite clique playing the beast with two backs."

And when it comes down to up close n personal hugs and cuddles, Prince Michael of Kunt – the 98-year old cousin of QE2 and 127th in line to the throne - (and yet another big-eared Guelph inbred mutant throwback) – is once again in the shit as Food Bank Britain's nasty gutter press tabloids focus on exposing his corruption-ridden scams and current 'harlot for hire' status as the official 'patron' of the Russo-British Chamber of Commerce – along with his board member directorship of the Shylock Bank of International Usury – and always ready to abuse his royal position for personal profit – offering insider access to the Kremlin and a guaranteed kiss on either cheek – plus a big hug – from none other than Russian President Vladimir Putrid.

So, any venturous business carpet bagger wanting to cash in on a slice of the ex-Soviet state's remaining mega-earning potential assets that the exiled oligarchs didn't gobble up for kopecks on the rouble while Yeltsin was in one of his 'happy' (pissed as a rat) moods – (Wankprom Oil, Gulag Gaz, Russtheft Energy) - then give Prince Michael a bell and for a mere £50,000 'starter fee' (cash in hand – and up front) he'll arrange a 'working lunch' with Vlad and his trusted team of Edomite Mafia 'financial advisors' from Tel Aviv's prestigious Wilkins Micawber Institute of Economics.

The official word from Fuckingham Palace is one of disassociation, as Prince Michael is a non-working royal – and, as far as HRH is concerned, the money-grubbing twat might consider concealing his influence peddling scams with a little more discretion.

Meanwhile, in the wake of last week's local council elections, Labour's Woke insiders claim the party copped a catastrophic 'no confidence' result due the fact it has a credibility gap.

No shit Sherlock, and why are they surprised, after years of having that lying closet case cunt of a war criminal, Anthony 'Charles Lynton' Bliar, as Leader – followed on by the equally repulsive paedo dog wanker Gordon 'Cyclops' Broon  - and with the treacherous scumbag likes of Alistair Campbell and Lord Scandalson of the Felchers as top cabinet office advisors.

Plus voters don't know WTF the party is named today –New Labour / Old Labour – or Labour with a Cherry on the Top – or simply the 'Infighting Party'.

The new 'pick n mix' reshuffled shadow cabinet gathered in an 'ideas kick-around' coven today in the dark cellars of the House of Conmans after a tumultuous weekend for the party in the wake of crap election results – with the IQ-deficient land whale toady, Dianne Abbopottamus – MP for Hackney's Skidrow Hamlets – demoted to the post of shadow Minister for Stupid Suggestions after proposing they merge Labour with the equally ill-led and accursed Lib-Dums Losers Party.