Man U's Rashford Transfer – to Cabinet Office

Manchester United (and England team) soccer star, Marcus Rashford, whose hearts n minds campaign against the cancellation of free school meals vouchers over the six week summer holiday period for an estimated 1:3 million vulnerable children in need, has achieved his objective – with the Tory Crime Minister, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, doing a craven, albeit politically tactical, u-turn on ill-fated Nasty Party policy and reversing the earlier cabinet decision to let deprived and poverty-line kids 'go hungry' and get a feel for 'things to come'.

The 22-year old Rashford, himself a product of Greater Manchester's Wythenshawe 'sink or swim' housing estate, experienced a difficult upbringing as one of five children raised by a single mother, and holds unpleasant memories being a hungry kid himself, reliant on free school tucker – with his first meal of the day coming from the Button Lane Primary School breakfast club.

Speaking to one gutter press hack from the Daily Shitraker, Bonkers Boris elaborated on his free school meal voucher u-turn.

"This freebie school meals voucher cancellation wasn't my idea but Mister 'Know-it-All' Dominic Cummings. Bloody oick gets me into trouble yet again – first off with his bullshit excuses for breaking the lockdown rules and driving halfway across the country. Thanks to him and that other twat Neil Ferguson and his 'guesstimated' Covid-19 fatality predictions - which I was forced to use to justify the fubar stay home lockdown scenario - after three months of the common herd being stuck indoors and half of them subsequently unemployed – and the Treasury nuts deep in 'over the horizon' debt - my public popularity ratings are on a par with Pol Pot's."

"So my secretary has been on the blower to Man' United and we've put a sealed bid in for Marky Rashford's transfer. Bugger the Premier League soccer season, he's wasted kicking a ball around. Any bloke that can get his 'If we can afford to keep bombing Syria, then we can afford to feed the kids' statement published on the front pages of the national press has got my ear. Thus, with his magical PR talent and ear for the public mood, I want him manning the cabinet office's 'good ideas' desk – and taking charge of our behavioural insights team. In fact he can have Cumming's Downing St. parking spot."