The RSPCA has said it’s looking at claims Prince Edward may have struck a pair of beaters with his official scrote whacking stick on the Queen's Sandringham estate in Norfolk over the Christmas holiday period.
The investigation started after complaints following the publication of pictures of Edward, Earl of Wessex, holding his stick over a pair of terrified, screaming peasants.
Buckingham Palace said the prince waved his stick to break up a fight between the two servants who were squabbling over who got to keep a dead vole.
The RSPCA said it had started a fact-finding exercise, not a full inquiry, but spokeswoman Virginia Thrush stressed the complaint would be treated like any other even though His Highness was a Royal Prince, 16th in line to the Throne, and historically-entitled to beat the shit out of bolshie commoners under the ancient decrees of Magna Carta.
Ms.Thrush further told the press "We’ve received a very small number of complaints from members of the public who are concerned by this rather silly story they’ve read in the press and we're dealing with it as we would any other complaint."
When asked exactly how many complaints her office had received she sheepishly admitted “Around six million so far.”
The Royal’s traditional Sandringham New Year’s Eve “shoot anything that moves” party, planned for tomorrow afternoon, is mainly focused on feral game birds now the stocks of wild boar have been depleted to the point of extinction, and a 1927 Act of Parliament banned the nobility’s customary Yuletide “skewer the peasant” hunts.
This current incident involving Edward is a close replay of a Christmas 2005 event of when beaters disturbed a roosting flock of Arctic cassowarys ahead of the shoot. One flew close to Prince Philip, 184, a veteran sadist who gets off on shooting anything that bleeds. The geriatric Prince blasted the bird with both barrells but only succeeded in blowing its legs off.
Edward, who nobody trusted to play with a loaded gun, was picking up dead eagles, hawks and swans for dinner when he noticed the injured cassowary. Unlike the Queen, who carries a small gamekeeper’s claw hammer for dispatching wounded game and wingeing commoners, the Prince used a handy length of 4 x 2.
“The bird was flapping around the moorland as the useless cloth-eared cunt tried to hit it,” said a Royal onlooker who wished to remain anonymous (Gamilla Porker-Balls).
“He appeared to be trying to do the right thing by ending its misery — but it looked rather messy and clumsy. Most definitely a botched job.”
“It eventually decked him and grabbed his bollocks with its beak. That was when the screams started and his bodyguards moved in and double-tapped the poor creature. It really was an absolute Chinese fire drill. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”
Not that the Royal Family are strangers to scandals concerning their blood sports pastimes.
Prince Phillip was pilloried in the press in 2007 for being a party to a barbaric hunting event where an aardvark was ritually rogered with a cucumber then bludgeoned to death with ceremonial Masonic golf clubs.
Prince Ranga, the Royal Cuckoo, was questioned by police and the RSPCA in October 2007 on suspicion of going on a shooting spree with AK47 assault rifles with ex-school chum Spotty de Villiers and snuffing several breeding pairs of hen harriers, a protected and endangered species.
However, charges against the ginger minga were dropped after the police officer handling the case turned up with his pelvis nailed to the Plodshop door.
Prince Edward acquired his love of bloodshed while attending the Gordonstoun Academy for Sado-Masocism, in northern Scotland, where he was appointed Head Puff in his last term.
Known by the sobriquet Foggy as he was so thick and wet, and a bit of an all-round wanker, Edward went on to study at Cambridge where he earned the nickname Brown Windsor as he adored taking it up the botty.
He miraculously graduated from St. Sodoms College with a third class degree in Arts, only the fourth member of the Royal family to achieve this distinction due their incessant interbreeding and swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool, resulting in them being a bunch of thickies.
After turning down the job of King of Estonia, a position offered in 1994 by the leaders of Estonia’s now defunct loopy Royalist Party, Edward assumed the title Earl of Wessex. (just try finding that on your satnav)
In June 1999 Edward married the Welsh Princess Sophie Rhys-Slapper, who set a Guinness world record for screaming during the labour and delivery of their tenth child, and went on to achieve public fame by using her Royal connections to influence her personal business dealings, becoming known in Fleet Street as “that grasping twat Sophie.”
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Monday, 29 December 2008
eBay Auctions Bonanza for Unwanted Xmas Gifts
Online auction website eBay is experiencing a post-Christmas business bonanza with people getting shut of unwanted Xmas gifts and other useless seasonal tat.
However, all that glitters is not gold and many items are drawing no serious tenders. Such is the case of a rejected Jeremy Clarkson petrolhead theme book gift, costing £25, and advertised at a starting price of ‘one penny’, which attracted zero bids.
In fact the useless lanky clot himself attracted but a single bid when put up for auction by Mrs. Clarkson in January this year, and that from a granny who wanted his scalp as a celebrity brillo pad memento.
A quick search on auction site eBay using key words such as 'Christmas’, ‘unwanted’, ‘crap’ and ‘tat’ already brings up thousands of results.
12 year-old schoolgirls trying to sell off the Christmas deliveries of their lecherous Spring-time pregnancies.
Scores of cuddly rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, gerbils, aardvarks, kindles of kittens, litters of puppies : all of whom have by now blotted their proverbial copy books and become surplus to requirements.
Digitally-enhanced blow-up colour wall posters of cosmopolitan-theme inebriated group contribution Pavement Pizzas, freshly vomited around the perimeters of the Trafalgar Square fountains : starting bids of £5. Several hundred copies sold so far. Winning bidders should state with or without carrots.
With many eccentric relatives and limpet-like family friends only just departing this weekend after yet again wearing out their seasonal welcomes, many more people will soon be online to rid themselves of their unsolicited crap Christmas gifts. Socks by the million, gaudily-painted plaster of Paris figurines, silly slogans burned into sections of genuine orange box driftwood intended to hang behind the bog door. The list is endless.
A 100/1 scale model of the Forth Bridge complete with re-painting instructions. An actual clockwork giraffe: key missing. A deflowered Barbie the Nun doll, underwear ripped and torn: starting bid £10, now up to £3,280.
And just to confirm that the world is still as barmy as ever, from seller Mistress Messiah of Smegmadale Heights, the dried skin atop a bowl of custard, perfectly resembling the face of Christ as represented on the Shroud of Turin.
eBay reference: Item number: 360113272706 / THE HOLY CUSTARD OF CHRIST. (bowl included).
A startling 184,275 bids since Boxing Day. Auction closes 24:00 hours on New Year’s Eve. Current bid £2,842,655:45p by benny#16 of Rome.
However, all that glitters is not gold and many items are drawing no serious tenders. Such is the case of a rejected Jeremy Clarkson petrolhead theme book gift, costing £25, and advertised at a starting price of ‘one penny’, which attracted zero bids.
In fact the useless lanky clot himself attracted but a single bid when put up for auction by Mrs. Clarkson in January this year, and that from a granny who wanted his scalp as a celebrity brillo pad memento.
A quick search on auction site eBay using key words such as 'Christmas’, ‘unwanted’, ‘crap’ and ‘tat’ already brings up thousands of results.
12 year-old schoolgirls trying to sell off the Christmas deliveries of their lecherous Spring-time pregnancies.
Scores of cuddly rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, gerbils, aardvarks, kindles of kittens, litters of puppies : all of whom have by now blotted their proverbial copy books and become surplus to requirements.
Digitally-enhanced blow-up colour wall posters of cosmopolitan-theme inebriated group contribution Pavement Pizzas, freshly vomited around the perimeters of the Trafalgar Square fountains : starting bids of £5. Several hundred copies sold so far. Winning bidders should state with or without carrots.
With many eccentric relatives and limpet-like family friends only just departing this weekend after yet again wearing out their seasonal welcomes, many more people will soon be online to rid themselves of their unsolicited crap Christmas gifts. Socks by the million, gaudily-painted plaster of Paris figurines, silly slogans burned into sections of genuine orange box driftwood intended to hang behind the bog door. The list is endless.
A 100/1 scale model of the Forth Bridge complete with re-painting instructions. An actual clockwork giraffe: key missing. A deflowered Barbie the Nun doll, underwear ripped and torn: starting bid £10, now up to £3,280.
And just to confirm that the world is still as barmy as ever, from seller Mistress Messiah of Smegmadale Heights, the dried skin atop a bowl of custard, perfectly resembling the face of Christ as represented on the Shroud of Turin.
eBay reference: Item number: 360113272706 / THE HOLY CUSTARD OF CHRIST. (bowl included).
A startling 184,275 bids since Boxing Day. Auction closes 24:00 hours on New Year’s Eve. Current bid £2,842,655:45p by benny#16 of Rome.
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Most Idiotic Nuisance 999 Calls of 2008 Revealed
A Smegmadale Jewish priest, Rabbi Sheldon Scrunt, dialled 999 when staff at Manchester Airport's W H Smuts bookstore would not allow him to use the toilet, then subsequently shit kittens when the plods turned up and arrested him for making a nuisance emergency services call.
He was later released with a good slap round the head after pleading extenuating circumstances for making his call as he suffered from an enlarged prostate and also chronic IBS due his rhubarb addiction.
This was one of many "frivolous" calls made to Greater Manchester Police during 2008, which dealt with 5,000 emergency reports over Christmas alone. The force has urged the public not to dial 999 for "ridiculous or barmpot" reasons.
One woman dialled triple nine to complain she was unable to get through to Strictly Come Dancing to vote for Tom Chambers in the final so the obliging operator phoned her vote through instead. (Mr. Chambers later collapsed after suffering a massive fart attack while demonstrating the Loughborough Limbo and underwent an emergency on-site colostomy, performed by an attending RSPCA vet')
While a hoax caller reported Santa was breaking into a Wythenshawe house with Rudolf, police also received a 999 call from a man who complained staff at Asbo Ronnie’s Chew & Spew had wrongly put mushrooms and anchovies on his pizza then told him to go and fuck spiders when he complained.
Emergency services responded within the hour by ram-raiding the offending Ronnie’s outlet with a Land Rover and knee-capping all staff before burning the building to the ground. A police spokesman told the media “Fuckin’ anchovies: we hate the bastard things.”
A Bench Hill mother of three, 16 year old Slitzy McTwat, rang triple nine to seek assistance in performing CPR on her children’s pet squirrel that was discovered on the porch in a comatose state.
Attending anti-terrorist squad officers, who happened to be in the neighbourhood on a mingin moggy hunt, appraised the situation and informed the distraught woman the squirrel wasn’t dead but had gone into seasonal hibernation mode.
The officer then proved his point by shooting it with a Taser which resulted in the animal ricocheting round the room several times before disappearing up the chimney.
One Moss Side Afro pole dancing slapper rang 999 on Christmas Eve to file a complaint of GBH after her bikini line Brazilian waxing session had gone totally overboard and torn out both her labial chastity piercings. Once again officers faithfully responded to the call and loaned the distressed female a pair of stainless steel handcuffs as a temporary replacement.
He was later released with a good slap round the head after pleading extenuating circumstances for making his call as he suffered from an enlarged prostate and also chronic IBS due his rhubarb addiction.
This was one of many "frivolous" calls made to Greater Manchester Police during 2008, which dealt with 5,000 emergency reports over Christmas alone. The force has urged the public not to dial 999 for "ridiculous or barmpot" reasons.
One woman dialled triple nine to complain she was unable to get through to Strictly Come Dancing to vote for Tom Chambers in the final so the obliging operator phoned her vote through instead. (Mr. Chambers later collapsed after suffering a massive fart attack while demonstrating the Loughborough Limbo and underwent an emergency on-site colostomy, performed by an attending RSPCA vet')
While a hoax caller reported Santa was breaking into a Wythenshawe house with Rudolf, police also received a 999 call from a man who complained staff at Asbo Ronnie’s Chew & Spew had wrongly put mushrooms and anchovies on his pizza then told him to go and fuck spiders when he complained.
Emergency services responded within the hour by ram-raiding the offending Ronnie’s outlet with a Land Rover and knee-capping all staff before burning the building to the ground. A police spokesman told the media “Fuckin’ anchovies: we hate the bastard things.”
A Bench Hill mother of three, 16 year old Slitzy McTwat, rang triple nine to seek assistance in performing CPR on her children’s pet squirrel that was discovered on the porch in a comatose state.
Attending anti-terrorist squad officers, who happened to be in the neighbourhood on a mingin moggy hunt, appraised the situation and informed the distraught woman the squirrel wasn’t dead but had gone into seasonal hibernation mode.
The officer then proved his point by shooting it with a Taser which resulted in the animal ricocheting round the room several times before disappearing up the chimney.
One Moss Side Afro pole dancing slapper rang 999 on Christmas Eve to file a complaint of GBH after her bikini line Brazilian waxing session had gone totally overboard and torn out both her labial chastity piercings. Once again officers faithfully responded to the call and loaned the distressed female a pair of stainless steel handcuffs as a temporary replacement.
Sweden’s Straw Goat Torched Yet Again
A giant straw goat erected each Christmas in the northern Swedish town of Bonkers has been burned down - yet again.
The 50 foot high animal has been torched 23 times since it was first erected in 1966. It has also been reverse-rammed with a sleigh, blasted by an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber and had its legs and horns cut off with chain saws.
The vandals are rarely caught, though in 2001 a 300 year old Lapland tourist known to Swedish authorities as Santa Claus spent 12 days in jail after being convicted of setting it on fire while in a drunk and disorderly state while attending a Christmas Eve fancy dress party in the adjacent park. He pleaded diminished responsibility after a skinfull of sherry and was duly deported.
In 2007, the goat managed to make it through the festive season unscathed and was stored away in a secret, fireproof, location.
The Xmas Goat committee spokeswoman Anna Muffitch said this year's unlucky creature was set on fire early on Saturday morning with flamethrowers, white phosphorous grenades and napalm.
The three tonne festive Yuletide goat was originally designed by local artist Sven Dorkpuller to attract Christmas winter sports tourists to the seasonally-snowbound town of Bonkers, which is 106 miles north of the Swedish capital.
When quizzed by the press as to why a goat had been selected to represent the Christmas season Ms. Muffitch explained “Sven has poor eyesight now and our original choice of design was a reindeer, but this is how his creation turned out.”
But in its first year it was burned down on New Year's Eve and since then has been attacked regularly. In 2005, it was torched by a group of fancy dress arsonists disguised as the Nativity’s Three Kings, accompanied by the Gingerbread Man, Little Red Riding Hood and the Muppet Show’s Swedish chef.
Authorities in Bonkers have tried to protect the goat using fireproofing chemicals, security guards and a web camera. In 2004 the vandals set fire to the goat the day after construction was completed and stuffed the webcam up the security guard’s rear passage.
Said one local resident “We don’t like goats.”
The 50 foot high animal has been torched 23 times since it was first erected in 1966. It has also been reverse-rammed with a sleigh, blasted by an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber and had its legs and horns cut off with chain saws.
The vandals are rarely caught, though in 2001 a 300 year old Lapland tourist known to Swedish authorities as Santa Claus spent 12 days in jail after being convicted of setting it on fire while in a drunk and disorderly state while attending a Christmas Eve fancy dress party in the adjacent park. He pleaded diminished responsibility after a skinfull of sherry and was duly deported.
In 2007, the goat managed to make it through the festive season unscathed and was stored away in a secret, fireproof, location.
The Xmas Goat committee spokeswoman Anna Muffitch said this year's unlucky creature was set on fire early on Saturday morning with flamethrowers, white phosphorous grenades and napalm.
The three tonne festive Yuletide goat was originally designed by local artist Sven Dorkpuller to attract Christmas winter sports tourists to the seasonally-snowbound town of Bonkers, which is 106 miles north of the Swedish capital.
When quizzed by the press as to why a goat had been selected to represent the Christmas season Ms. Muffitch explained “Sven has poor eyesight now and our original choice of design was a reindeer, but this is how his creation turned out.”
But in its first year it was burned down on New Year's Eve and since then has been attacked regularly. In 2005, it was torched by a group of fancy dress arsonists disguised as the Nativity’s Three Kings, accompanied by the Gingerbread Man, Little Red Riding Hood and the Muppet Show’s Swedish chef.
Authorities in Bonkers have tried to protect the goat using fireproofing chemicals, security guards and a web camera. In 2004 the vandals set fire to the goat the day after construction was completed and stuffed the webcam up the security guard’s rear passage.
Said one local resident “We don’t like goats.”
Saturday, 27 December 2008
Afghan Warlords take the Viagra Falls Leap
America's CIA has found a novel way to expand its business dealings with their fickle stable of aging despotic Afghan warlords – ensuring they receive copious supplies of the sex-enhancing drug Viagra to boost their flagging virility, according to a Christian Science Shitraker report.
The C.S Shitraker said it was one of a number of enticements being used to elicit fresh and detailed human intelligence reports on Taliban activities from the hinterland’s tribal warlords.
CIA Agent Seymour P. Dongrat, a former lawn mower mechanic, told the media “Hey, whatever it takes to get this here war won and keep our operations going.
The warlords look after the oil and gas pipelines, so we keep ‘em supplied with arms and pre-book their full year’s crop of opium for our heroin business.”
“Oh yeah, covert op’s need lots of black cash. Whatever it takes to make friends and influence people.”
"Whether it's building a school, knocking off their competition, trading opium for weapons, supplying them with blonde pussy for their harem, or simply handing out Viagra : it works better than the old Vietnam philosophy that ‘when you’ve got ‘em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Didn’t work with Charlie, and these guys are even dumber and more hard core.”
In one case, a 60-year-old warlord with forty wives was given a goat’s bladder packed with hundreds of the little blue sex stimulants and a few days later supplied US intelligence agents with detailed Taliban activities in return for another bucketful of the magic bullet ‘hard-on’ poppers.
The C.S. Shitraker mentioned the CIA had utilised a long line of creative inducements to suborn the warlords into playing ball with them. Dental work, US visas and air tickets to visit the Great Satan, medical supplies, whatever their minds might conjure. And if they didn’t cooperate? Always a single shot from a .308 M24 sniper’s rifle or a charge of C4 in their khazi, and do better business with the next unwashed warlord wannabe.
Rumours that the CIA have also used Viagra to torture their Muslim captives are rife across the Middle East war zone. Where prisoners are trained to resist interrogations they might be surreptitiously fed massive doses of ground up Viagra in their meals, then, when in a state of extreme sexual arousal and agitation, thrown into a cell with a couple of buxom female pigs.
One prisoner that was subjected this torturous ordeal resisted the temptation to hump the pork but wanked himself to death overnight.
The C.S Shitraker said it was one of a number of enticements being used to elicit fresh and detailed human intelligence reports on Taliban activities from the hinterland’s tribal warlords.
CIA Agent Seymour P. Dongrat, a former lawn mower mechanic, told the media “Hey, whatever it takes to get this here war won and keep our operations going.
The warlords look after the oil and gas pipelines, so we keep ‘em supplied with arms and pre-book their full year’s crop of opium for our heroin business.”
“Oh yeah, covert op’s need lots of black cash. Whatever it takes to make friends and influence people.”
"Whether it's building a school, knocking off their competition, trading opium for weapons, supplying them with blonde pussy for their harem, or simply handing out Viagra : it works better than the old Vietnam philosophy that ‘when you’ve got ‘em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Didn’t work with Charlie, and these guys are even dumber and more hard core.”
In one case, a 60-year-old warlord with forty wives was given a goat’s bladder packed with hundreds of the little blue sex stimulants and a few days later supplied US intelligence agents with detailed Taliban activities in return for another bucketful of the magic bullet ‘hard-on’ poppers.
The C.S. Shitraker mentioned the CIA had utilised a long line of creative inducements to suborn the warlords into playing ball with them. Dental work, US visas and air tickets to visit the Great Satan, medical supplies, whatever their minds might conjure. And if they didn’t cooperate? Always a single shot from a .308 M24 sniper’s rifle or a charge of C4 in their khazi, and do better business with the next unwashed warlord wannabe.
Rumours that the CIA have also used Viagra to torture their Muslim captives are rife across the Middle East war zone. Where prisoners are trained to resist interrogations they might be surreptitiously fed massive doses of ground up Viagra in their meals, then, when in a state of extreme sexual arousal and agitation, thrown into a cell with a couple of buxom female pigs.
One prisoner that was subjected this torturous ordeal resisted the temptation to hump the pork but wanked himself to death overnight.
Postmen’s Union Decry Pet Attacks
Police do not take pet animal attacks on postal delivery workers seriously enough, irate union leaders told press hacks during their annual Christmas piss-up at Smegmadale’s Fighting Dog and Pikey pub.
The claim comes after postman Sheldon Scrunt suffered severe injuries when he was savaged by two supposedly-tame man-eating Komodo dragons while delivering a batch of spam junk mail to a fortified end terrace on Smegmadale’s Skidrow Housing Estate.
“Them effin’ lizards bit ‘is bleedin’ leg off at the bollocks,” his transvestite partner Sally Scrunt told the media. “’e’s ‘ad no fuckin’ appetite since an’ ‘is sex drive ‘as gone all tits up as well.”
Communication Workers Union health and safety officer Ms. Candida Gimp said “Some police officers don’t know enough about the law on dangerous pets.
We want to see the police taking vicious pet attacks more seriously.” She opined the 1991 Dangerous Pets Act had "failed" and called for new legislation to allow the authorities to act earlier, with anti-social behaviour orders (Asbos) for savage or offending pets.
“The current law does not apply to private property which is where attacks on staff are most likely to take place,” Ms. Gimp added. "Too many times postmen, milkmen and newspaper delivery boys are cannon fodder for these animals.”
"There seems to be an acceptable cartoon caricature image of small furry pets tearing into postmen with razor sharp claws and teeth in the mindsets of the British public. Being attacked by a deranged guineas pig or hamster simply isn't funny."
The law and public services personnel are in a quandary over solutions to this problem.
Earlier this year a cat burglar was attacked and savaged by a kindle of feral Sudanese kittens while breaking into a Sodding Chipbury residence in the early hours of the morning. The police prosecuted the owners of the house and the burglar received a six-figure sum in compensation for his injuries and psychological trauma.
Juxtaposed to this farcical legal judgement is the case of Rumanian immigrant Virginia Twatrot, who while working as an Ann Summers saleslady, was attacked by a flock of Greater Crested Budgerigars as she canvassed her product line around a sedate Dorkford cul-de-sac.
Ms. Twatrot fought off the budgies with her riding crop and a Rampant Rabbit vibrator, killing a score of the birds while suffering severe talon and beak wounds herself.
The RSPCA filed a case against her for animal cruelty which resulted in a large fine and her subsequent deportation.
The claim comes after postman Sheldon Scrunt suffered severe injuries when he was savaged by two supposedly-tame man-eating Komodo dragons while delivering a batch of spam junk mail to a fortified end terrace on Smegmadale’s Skidrow Housing Estate.
“Them effin’ lizards bit ‘is bleedin’ leg off at the bollocks,” his transvestite partner Sally Scrunt told the media. “’e’s ‘ad no fuckin’ appetite since an’ ‘is sex drive ‘as gone all tits up as well.”
Communication Workers Union health and safety officer Ms. Candida Gimp said “Some police officers don’t know enough about the law on dangerous pets.
We want to see the police taking vicious pet attacks more seriously.” She opined the 1991 Dangerous Pets Act had "failed" and called for new legislation to allow the authorities to act earlier, with anti-social behaviour orders (Asbos) for savage or offending pets.
“The current law does not apply to private property which is where attacks on staff are most likely to take place,” Ms. Gimp added. "Too many times postmen, milkmen and newspaper delivery boys are cannon fodder for these animals.”
"There seems to be an acceptable cartoon caricature image of small furry pets tearing into postmen with razor sharp claws and teeth in the mindsets of the British public. Being attacked by a deranged guineas pig or hamster simply isn't funny."
The law and public services personnel are in a quandary over solutions to this problem.
Earlier this year a cat burglar was attacked and savaged by a kindle of feral Sudanese kittens while breaking into a Sodding Chipbury residence in the early hours of the morning. The police prosecuted the owners of the house and the burglar received a six-figure sum in compensation for his injuries and psychological trauma.
Juxtaposed to this farcical legal judgement is the case of Rumanian immigrant Virginia Twatrot, who while working as an Ann Summers saleslady, was attacked by a flock of Greater Crested Budgerigars as she canvassed her product line around a sedate Dorkford cul-de-sac.
Ms. Twatrot fought off the budgies with her riding crop and a Rampant Rabbit vibrator, killing a score of the birds while suffering severe talon and beak wounds herself.
The RSPCA filed a case against her for animal cruelty which resulted in a large fine and her subsequent deportation.
Homework Failure Pupil Battered to Death
An Egyptian court has sentenced a schoolteacher to 300 hours of community service work for beating a pupil to death because he had not done his homework.
Maths teacher Atilla bin Atwatt threw the 15 year-old schoolboy out of the third floor classroom window as an example, to impress on other pupils their responsibility to hand homework assignments in on schedule.
He told the Sharia court he only meant to discipline the pupil with a good scare and did not mean to really hurt him. However, as the pupil just lay on the concrete playground area where he had landed, moaning and groaning, and bleeding profusely, refusing to return to the classroom and stating he could not walk, Mr. bin Atwatt lost his temper, gave him several kicks in the guts and a few smacks round the head with his regulation claw hammer.
The teacher's lawyer was quoted as saying in court: "Hitting a difficult pupil is not banned in schools and my client did not break the law, only the pupil’s skull."
Observers say the case has been seen as a shocking reminder of the failings of Egypt's state education system which has not been updated since the time of the First Dynasty Pharaohs, when torture and beheadings in schools were commonplace and an accepted norm.
The incident, at the Ronnie Nasser Institute of Sadism on the outskirts of Alexandria, has caused a national outrage.
Education Minister Achmed al Stupidius told reporters “We cannot find good trained schoolteachers as they all piss off abroad to work where the wages are better. Hence we get the chaff from the local prisons, copping an early parole plea if they take a teaching job, then struggling to control classes comprised of several hundred children.”
“This was the problem with Mr. bin Atwatt, a recently released mass murderer who had taken an NVQ 1 teaching course while in the clink. The frustrations of academic life simply get too much for them to handle.”
“We are trying hard to tackle violence in schools and have now issued new statements and regulations on the limits of corporal punishment, and have banned teachers from carrying guns, swords and cudgels.”
Maths teacher Atilla bin Atwatt threw the 15 year-old schoolboy out of the third floor classroom window as an example, to impress on other pupils their responsibility to hand homework assignments in on schedule.
He told the Sharia court he only meant to discipline the pupil with a good scare and did not mean to really hurt him. However, as the pupil just lay on the concrete playground area where he had landed, moaning and groaning, and bleeding profusely, refusing to return to the classroom and stating he could not walk, Mr. bin Atwatt lost his temper, gave him several kicks in the guts and a few smacks round the head with his regulation claw hammer.
The teacher's lawyer was quoted as saying in court: "Hitting a difficult pupil is not banned in schools and my client did not break the law, only the pupil’s skull."
Observers say the case has been seen as a shocking reminder of the failings of Egypt's state education system which has not been updated since the time of the First Dynasty Pharaohs, when torture and beheadings in schools were commonplace and an accepted norm.
The incident, at the Ronnie Nasser Institute of Sadism on the outskirts of Alexandria, has caused a national outrage.
Education Minister Achmed al Stupidius told reporters “We cannot find good trained schoolteachers as they all piss off abroad to work where the wages are better. Hence we get the chaff from the local prisons, copping an early parole plea if they take a teaching job, then struggling to control classes comprised of several hundred children.”
“This was the problem with Mr. bin Atwatt, a recently released mass murderer who had taken an NVQ 1 teaching course while in the clink. The frustrations of academic life simply get too much for them to handle.”
“We are trying hard to tackle violence in schools and have now issued new statements and regulations on the limits of corporal punishment, and have banned teachers from carrying guns, swords and cudgels.”
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