Gordon Brown is expected to complete his ministerial reshuffle later, with New Labour’s notorious Scandal Kid, Peter (watch yer arses) Mandelson, returning to the cabinet as head of the Ministry of Corruption, which is to be relocated to the Millennium Dome.
Obviously Labour are now so far up shitcreek without a paddle they’ve passed scraping the bottom of the barrel and are now scooping out the crap from underneath it.
So, The Prince of Darkness, described by many as a champagne socialist, is out of the Brussels Buggery Club and back in Westminster. Good going for a politician who’s been fired more times than a gunslinger’s pistol.
Sir Dilbert Dorking, Conservative MP for Dorking-on-the-Wold, remembers Mandelson from his schooldays, where he gained a reputation for hanging around the toilets and cheating at conkers.
Sir Dilbert reflected on a few choice Hellboy anecdotes for the media reporters. “Later, when he got into Parliament, he used to wander around the Lower House leaving slime trails like a snail and anyone who shook his hand always counted their fingers after. So, as it’s third time lucky for ducky, maybe, I have no doubts he’ll be dancing a jig, or perhaps, more aptly, a Gay Gordon.”
“Joking aside, having Hellboy back in the Cabinet is a super plus for we Tories. Mandelson can’t help fucking up everything he touches, just like the useless Brown and Darling are doing, hence we’re a dead cert’ bet to win the next election. He’s bound to pull another Robinson loan or Hinduja passport stunt before too long”
Renown throughout government for his unqualified arrogance and allowing ego to surpass intellect, Mandelson is a past master in the arts of self-delusion and deceit who couldn’t tell the truth if he didn’t have a lie ready.
However, PM Gordon Brown told the media he needed "serious people for serious times" and it was in the "national interest" to bring in Mandelson, even if he is a prize twat, because of his past experience in foul play and political back-stabbing.
Brown said he wanted to "reinvent government" to cope with the major fuck-ups Labour had caused with the housing market, financial instability, oil and food price rises, and running illegal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"Mandy’s built up a reputation over the last few years as someone who knows where most of the skeletons are buried or which wardrobes they’re rattling in, so he can twist a few arms and get shit done. He might have earned a reputation under Tony for being the Doctor of Spin n Sin but New Labour needs his disreputable talents right now.”
Former cabinet clot David (what scandal?) Blunkett, who holds the actual New Labour record for being fired from government office, described Mandelson’s appointment as a farsighted move. “Even a blind old git like me can see where Gordon’s going with this, can’t we Sadie.”
Denise Scrunter, Chief Dogwanker for the Liberal Democrats, opined to reporters "Resurrecting a slimy shitbag like Mandelson from the political graveyard is not going to breathe new life into Gordon Brown's zombie government."
Other key dildos and dunces in the political graveyard reshuffle include Geoff ‘the Loon’ Hoon, who has taken over from Ruth Kelly as Minister for Ferrets, with Nick Brown returning to the cabinet as Chief Flagellator.
Two of the Miliband triplets, Eddie and Freddie, have been exiled to the back benches for being a pair of back-stabbing pricks, with the Ministry of Climate Fuck-ups going to Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling now the Treasury has been bought by India’s famously corrupt Hinduja sisters.
Maggie Beckett takes over Carol Flint’s affordable housing portfolio as Minister of Tents and Bivouacs, with Ms. Flint leaving government to pursue a career as a pole dancer.
Lord Levy will regain his Blairite post as Chief Bagman, with Keith Vaz taking up the reins at the Ministry of Backhanders and former Home Secretary David Blunkett being assigned the newly-created Ministry of Small Dogs.
To close with an optimistic note, bookmakers William Hill are already offering odds of 100/1 on Mandelson resigning or being fired again before the next election.
Allergy warning : this article was written in Machiavellian Font 12 and may contain traces of conspiracy and intrigue.
Saturday, 4 October 2008
Friday, 3 October 2008
School Axes Spelling Tests due Student Distress
Children at the Smegmadale-on-Sea Church of Latter Day Morons Primary School will no longer be presented with a short list of words to learn each week as teachers believe it leaves them distressed and feeling like failures.
Teenagers attending Smegmadale Asbo Central Comprehensive reacted to the news with enthusiasm and built a huge bonfire on the sports field with copies of the school’s Oxford dictionaries, then impaled Headmistress Gladys Fawkes on the top.
However angry parents’ groups from the bordering Smegmadale Sink or Swim Estate later confronted a charred and smouldering Ms. Fawkes, stating they were actually at a loss for something to say over the decision.
Acting deputy-head of Asbo Central, Glenda Scabtwat told parents and reporters that imposing spelling assignments on children as homework was generating unnecessary distress and causing an increase in their individual drug addiction and drinking problems.
“These children need to relax after a taxing day at school, not be concentrating on the nuances or accuracies of the English lexicon while they’re playing games on Xbox or posting rude photos of each other on Facebook.”
”Personally I’d like to see them out in the parks after school hours, enjoying themselves, groping their girlfriends, or each other if they’re that way inclined. Getting some sunshine and fresh air, sharing a bottle of White Lightning and passing a bifta round. Having a quick shag in the bushes, safe-sex sort of course.”
“That’s the type of social interaction I’m keen on creating for Smegmadale’s children.”
A freshly-extinguished, albeit dripping, Ms. Fawkes, wrapped in a stylish Aztec print asbestos blanket, added to Ms. Scabtwat’s statement.
“We still teach spelling in school classes as normal, as is demanded by the literacy curriculum.
But let’s be honest, are any of our Smegmadale charges ever going to pursue an academic career and put their word power to work? Of course not.
They don’t need an extensive written vocabulary to claim jobseeker’s allowance and their DSS or hold up the local Stop n Rob or deal a few grams of smoke or snort.”
A shocked and disappointed Norman Babel, chairman of Smegmadale’s Campaign for Real Education and current holder of the number one spot on the local sex offenders register, had this to say to the press regarding the cancelling of the spelling homework assignments, “Personally, I’m shocked and disappointed, and stuck for bleedin’ words.”
Answering a quoted report from the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority, which showed that most school leavers were unable to spell such basic everyday words as ‘fuck’ or ‘off’, Ms. Fawkes responded “How many burglars or car thieves do you know with degrees in English Literature?”
Smegmadale Council’s head of improvement, Ms. Ingrid Clunt, a former Ukranian scaffolder, informed the media “It’s up to the indy-vid-yual skools to de-side like if dey wanna yuse spellin’ tests or not, init, eh, like yer know. Gorra a fag I can borra?”
In a related incident, the teenage Smegmadale Slang Gang broke into Threshers off-licence last night and held an impromptu drunken party to celebrate the spelling tests abolition, later setting fire to the town’s new Cash Converters Shopping Mall, causing an estimated £17-worth of damage.
Allergy warning : this article was typed on recycled dictionary pages and may contain traces of dyslexia.
Teenagers attending Smegmadale Asbo Central Comprehensive reacted to the news with enthusiasm and built a huge bonfire on the sports field with copies of the school’s Oxford dictionaries, then impaled Headmistress Gladys Fawkes on the top.
However angry parents’ groups from the bordering Smegmadale Sink or Swim Estate later confronted a charred and smouldering Ms. Fawkes, stating they were actually at a loss for something to say over the decision.
Acting deputy-head of Asbo Central, Glenda Scabtwat told parents and reporters that imposing spelling assignments on children as homework was generating unnecessary distress and causing an increase in their individual drug addiction and drinking problems.
“These children need to relax after a taxing day at school, not be concentrating on the nuances or accuracies of the English lexicon while they’re playing games on Xbox or posting rude photos of each other on Facebook.”
”Personally I’d like to see them out in the parks after school hours, enjoying themselves, groping their girlfriends, or each other if they’re that way inclined. Getting some sunshine and fresh air, sharing a bottle of White Lightning and passing a bifta round. Having a quick shag in the bushes, safe-sex sort of course.”
“That’s the type of social interaction I’m keen on creating for Smegmadale’s children.”
A freshly-extinguished, albeit dripping, Ms. Fawkes, wrapped in a stylish Aztec print asbestos blanket, added to Ms. Scabtwat’s statement.
“We still teach spelling in school classes as normal, as is demanded by the literacy curriculum.
But let’s be honest, are any of our Smegmadale charges ever going to pursue an academic career and put their word power to work? Of course not.
They don’t need an extensive written vocabulary to claim jobseeker’s allowance and their DSS or hold up the local Stop n Rob or deal a few grams of smoke or snort.”
A shocked and disappointed Norman Babel, chairman of Smegmadale’s Campaign for Real Education and current holder of the number one spot on the local sex offenders register, had this to say to the press regarding the cancelling of the spelling homework assignments, “Personally, I’m shocked and disappointed, and stuck for bleedin’ words.”
Answering a quoted report from the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority, which showed that most school leavers were unable to spell such basic everyday words as ‘fuck’ or ‘off’, Ms. Fawkes responded “How many burglars or car thieves do you know with degrees in English Literature?”
Smegmadale Council’s head of improvement, Ms. Ingrid Clunt, a former Ukranian scaffolder, informed the media “It’s up to the indy-vid-yual skools to de-side like if dey wanna yuse spellin’ tests or not, init, eh, like yer know. Gorra a fag I can borra?”
In a related incident, the teenage Smegmadale Slang Gang broke into Threshers off-licence last night and held an impromptu drunken party to celebrate the spelling tests abolition, later setting fire to the town’s new Cash Converters Shopping Mall, causing an estimated £17-worth of damage.
Allergy warning : this article was typed on recycled dictionary pages and may contain traces of dyslexia.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Muslim Forklift Driver Sues Tesco over Alcohol Handling
A Saudi Arabian immigrant from Derby-on-Sea is suing Dame Shitty Potter’s supermarket monopoly Tesco for religious discrimination after he was asked to handle crates of alcohol against his spiritual beliefs.
Mohammed Ahmed, a former Mecca Ballroom pole dancer, now a resident of Oasis Crescent in Derby’s popular Sandcastle Estate, also accused Tesco of victimisation and harassment during a British taxpayer-funded employment tribunal hearing lasting three months.
Ahmed, originally employed as a trainee rat-twatter at the firm's Piginfield warehouse, was promoted to the position of forklift driver in December last year.
However, Ahmed refused to use his forklift truck to move cases of beer, wines or spirits because it was against his religious principles as a muslim and asked to be found other work; preferably something that involved sitting in an office with his feet up and reading newspapers.
Warehouse supervisor, Steve Snotts, allegedly shouted at him and said "Are you takin’ the effin’ piss or what, Mohammed?” which apparently upset Mr. Ahmed’s delicate Islamic sensibilities and made him cry.
The claimant, who grew up in Saudi Arabia and moved to Derby in 2006, now works for a city agency as a registered pigeon strangler, and lodged his grievance with Tesco in February but said he was treated unfavourably as a result.
He told the tribunal that Tesco line manager Debbie Twatscratcher then assigned him to the Spam section of the warehouse and again he refused to handle the products as they contained large quantities of dead pig.
Giving evidence on behalf of Tesco’s, Ms. Twatscratcher told the tribunal that Mr. Ahmed had been a proverbial pain in the arse since he was hired.
“Mo’ammed complained that there was nowhere in the staff car park to tie up ‘is camel, then came into work wearin’ steel toe-capped sandals, wiv a bed sheet wrapped around ‘im an’ a red gingham tea towel on ‘is ‘ead, which is in direct breach of company an’ HSE safety clothin’ statutes.”
“Twice every shift ‘e’d stop work for ‘alf an ‘our an’ go an’ kneel down in the corner then start banging ‘is head on the concrete like some loony, an’ ‘olding’ up production summat terrible yer know.”
“I mean, it was very worryin’ for me, bein’ the only woman on shift like an’ ‘avin’ some bloke doin’ this kind of shit, cos yer ‘ear all about these weirdo religious self-flagellant types whippin’ themselves wiv barbed wire an’ stuff an’ stickin’ red chillis up their arses an’ tyin’ ‘eavy iron weights around their cocks an’ what ’ave yer.”
Ahmed’s solicitor, Mr. Moham Mohammed, advised Ms. Twatscratcher and the tribunal that the kneeling and bowing to the ground was a muslim religious custom, performed during prayers, to which Ms. Twatscratcher replied “Why can’t ‘e do ‘is prayers before ‘e goes to bed, like the rest of us do? There’s nowt clever about bangin’ yer ‘ead against the floor like some bleedin’ nutter when yer supposed to be workin’. We don’t bang our ‘eads on the floor when we goes to church on Sunday’s, do we, eh”
Summing up the hearing, Tribunal Judge Seymour Rubenstein conjectured that “Under Islamic Sharia law the hypocritical mantra cited by the muslim Taliban in Afghanistan permits them to grow poppies, and process the opium into heroin, as long as it is sold to non-muslims.”
“Thus, according to that premise, why is it not an acceptable practice for Mr. Ahmed to move crates of alcohol with his forklift truck if it is to be bought and consumed by infidel non-muslims?”
"Case dismissed, Insh'allah."
Allergy warning : this article may contain traces of dead pig as it was originally typed on slices of Tesco’s abominable wafer-thin ham.
Mohammed Ahmed, a former Mecca Ballroom pole dancer, now a resident of Oasis Crescent in Derby’s popular Sandcastle Estate, also accused Tesco of victimisation and harassment during a British taxpayer-funded employment tribunal hearing lasting three months.
Ahmed, originally employed as a trainee rat-twatter at the firm's Piginfield warehouse, was promoted to the position of forklift driver in December last year.
However, Ahmed refused to use his forklift truck to move cases of beer, wines or spirits because it was against his religious principles as a muslim and asked to be found other work; preferably something that involved sitting in an office with his feet up and reading newspapers.
Warehouse supervisor, Steve Snotts, allegedly shouted at him and said "Are you takin’ the effin’ piss or what, Mohammed?” which apparently upset Mr. Ahmed’s delicate Islamic sensibilities and made him cry.
The claimant, who grew up in Saudi Arabia and moved to Derby in 2006, now works for a city agency as a registered pigeon strangler, and lodged his grievance with Tesco in February but said he was treated unfavourably as a result.
He told the tribunal that Tesco line manager Debbie Twatscratcher then assigned him to the Spam section of the warehouse and again he refused to handle the products as they contained large quantities of dead pig.
Giving evidence on behalf of Tesco’s, Ms. Twatscratcher told the tribunal that Mr. Ahmed had been a proverbial pain in the arse since he was hired.
“Mo’ammed complained that there was nowhere in the staff car park to tie up ‘is camel, then came into work wearin’ steel toe-capped sandals, wiv a bed sheet wrapped around ‘im an’ a red gingham tea towel on ‘is ‘ead, which is in direct breach of company an’ HSE safety clothin’ statutes.”
“Twice every shift ‘e’d stop work for ‘alf an ‘our an’ go an’ kneel down in the corner then start banging ‘is head on the concrete like some loony, an’ ‘olding’ up production summat terrible yer know.”
“I mean, it was very worryin’ for me, bein’ the only woman on shift like an’ ‘avin’ some bloke doin’ this kind of shit, cos yer ‘ear all about these weirdo religious self-flagellant types whippin’ themselves wiv barbed wire an’ stuff an’ stickin’ red chillis up their arses an’ tyin’ ‘eavy iron weights around their cocks an’ what ’ave yer.”
Ahmed’s solicitor, Mr. Moham Mohammed, advised Ms. Twatscratcher and the tribunal that the kneeling and bowing to the ground was a muslim religious custom, performed during prayers, to which Ms. Twatscratcher replied “Why can’t ‘e do ‘is prayers before ‘e goes to bed, like the rest of us do? There’s nowt clever about bangin’ yer ‘ead against the floor like some bleedin’ nutter when yer supposed to be workin’. We don’t bang our ‘eads on the floor when we goes to church on Sunday’s, do we, eh”
Summing up the hearing, Tribunal Judge Seymour Rubenstein conjectured that “Under Islamic Sharia law the hypocritical mantra cited by the muslim Taliban in Afghanistan permits them to grow poppies, and process the opium into heroin, as long as it is sold to non-muslims.”
“Thus, according to that premise, why is it not an acceptable practice for Mr. Ahmed to move crates of alcohol with his forklift truck if it is to be bought and consumed by infidel non-muslims?”
"Case dismissed, Insh'allah."
Allergy warning : this article may contain traces of dead pig as it was originally typed on slices of Tesco’s abominable wafer-thin ham.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
School Outing Team Rescued from Dales Hellhole
Eleven people have been rescued alive after becoming trapped in a Yorkshire Dales hellhole during bad weather.
Eight teenagers aged 15 from St. Sodom’s School of Latter Day Pederasts in Burnley, Lancashire, were left stranded along with three teachers after becoming lost during sudden rainstorm.
Trekking along in near-zero visibility, they wandered into what they thought was the cave entrance to a pothole known as the Long Churn Pot for shelter.
Unbeknown to them Jade Goody had been out hiking and taken shelter from the storm in the same cave, then decided to have a quick play with herself to pass the time until the weather cleared.
“I wus just lyin’ there on me sleepin’ bag, legs akimbo like an’ diddlin’ me clit’, then I sorta dozes off an’ wakes up with this pullin’ at me pissflaps an’ it feels like I’ve got a monster jackrabbit stuck up me twat,” Ms. Goody told reporters.
Not realising they had squeezed and wriggled blindly into one of the most enormous cunts on Earth, the group quickly grasped the fact they might be trapped and switched on their emergency location transponder beacon.
Yorkshire police picked up the beacon’s signal and immediately initiated a helicopter search and rescue operation, tracking down the signal’s source to Long Churn Pot, where they realised the hikers had become trapped up Ms. Goody’s gargantuan vagina.
Summoning a team of Leeds-based potholers, with celebrity gynaecologist Dr. Muff to lead them, police initiated a rescue operation lasting several hours which resulted in the trapped hikers being liberated shortly before nightfall.
The eleven hikers were treated for hypothermia at Leeds Infirmary, with all receiving massive doses of antibiotics and tetanus jabs to counter the myriad of possible infections and diseases they may have contracted while trapped in Ms. Goody’s snatch.
One boy who was overcome by noxious fumes and transferred to the intense care unit was later allowed home.
St. Sodom’s School teacher Angus McFudger, leader of the trapped hiking team, told the media “It was absolute hell in there. I thought we were in a cave with all the stalactites hanging down and slime everywhere. The stink was horrible, but on reflection now we know why it smelled like a fishmonger’s gutting block.”
Following the rescue operation Ms. Goody was advised by both North Yorkshire police and her gynaecologist to have a barred gate or steel grating fitted over the entrance of her vagina while out hiking to prevent similar incidents from occurring in the future.
Rumours that a flock of sheep and two horses which went missing during the same storm might have suffered a similar fate as the school expedition have been dismissed as “unfounded utter rubbish” by Ms. Goody’s publicist.
“Jade went for a full internal examination after her return from Yorkshire and had a vaginal douche performed by the local fire brigade this morning.”
“There was nothing else inside, apart from what remained of her pet poodle that disappeared one night last week.”
Allergy warning : this article may be infected with a variety of STD's and should only be read while wearing a condom.
Eight teenagers aged 15 from St. Sodom’s School of Latter Day Pederasts in Burnley, Lancashire, were left stranded along with three teachers after becoming lost during sudden rainstorm.
Trekking along in near-zero visibility, they wandered into what they thought was the cave entrance to a pothole known as the Long Churn Pot for shelter.
Unbeknown to them Jade Goody had been out hiking and taken shelter from the storm in the same cave, then decided to have a quick play with herself to pass the time until the weather cleared.
“I wus just lyin’ there on me sleepin’ bag, legs akimbo like an’ diddlin’ me clit’, then I sorta dozes off an’ wakes up with this pullin’ at me pissflaps an’ it feels like I’ve got a monster jackrabbit stuck up me twat,” Ms. Goody told reporters.
Not realising they had squeezed and wriggled blindly into one of the most enormous cunts on Earth, the group quickly grasped the fact they might be trapped and switched on their emergency location transponder beacon.
Yorkshire police picked up the beacon’s signal and immediately initiated a helicopter search and rescue operation, tracking down the signal’s source to Long Churn Pot, where they realised the hikers had become trapped up Ms. Goody’s gargantuan vagina.
Summoning a team of Leeds-based potholers, with celebrity gynaecologist Dr. Muff to lead them, police initiated a rescue operation lasting several hours which resulted in the trapped hikers being liberated shortly before nightfall.
The eleven hikers were treated for hypothermia at Leeds Infirmary, with all receiving massive doses of antibiotics and tetanus jabs to counter the myriad of possible infections and diseases they may have contracted while trapped in Ms. Goody’s snatch.
One boy who was overcome by noxious fumes and transferred to the intense care unit was later allowed home.
St. Sodom’s School teacher Angus McFudger, leader of the trapped hiking team, told the media “It was absolute hell in there. I thought we were in a cave with all the stalactites hanging down and slime everywhere. The stink was horrible, but on reflection now we know why it smelled like a fishmonger’s gutting block.”
Following the rescue operation Ms. Goody was advised by both North Yorkshire police and her gynaecologist to have a barred gate or steel grating fitted over the entrance of her vagina while out hiking to prevent similar incidents from occurring in the future.
Rumours that a flock of sheep and two horses which went missing during the same storm might have suffered a similar fate as the school expedition have been dismissed as “unfounded utter rubbish” by Ms. Goody’s publicist.
“Jade went for a full internal examination after her return from Yorkshire and had a vaginal douche performed by the local fire brigade this morning.”
“There was nothing else inside, apart from what remained of her pet poodle that disappeared one night last week.”
Allergy warning : this article may be infected with a variety of STD's and should only be read while wearing a condom.
Council Ruled by Money-Grabbing Fascist Dictators
Smegmadale Council are currently recruiting a team of ex-MI5 spooks to act as refuse compliance officers and sneak around the town’s streets, peering over fences and walls, issuing fixed penalty notices and insta-fines to residents who transgress their wheelie bin code by putting bins out too early or not retrieving them immediately after emptying.
To comply with the latest fruitcake scheme to emerge from the EU’s Brussels’ headbanging asylum, each residential wheelie bin will now be fitted with a satnav tracking beacon, a tachometer and a licence plate, and be subject to an annual MOT test.
This is the latest daft idea in what local residents described as a long line of daft ideas, with Frank Skidmarker, an unemployed dodo plucker, telling reporters “It’s another daft idea.”
Pensioner Elsie Scrotum, a Floodplains Avenue resident, expressed her opinion of the council’s scheme in stronger terms. “I think it’s another fuckin’ daft idea. Years ago these pansy twats used to be called binmen and carry our old style iron bins down alleyways on their shoulders, full of hot cinders, dogshit and broken glass, then tip the rubbish into the cart. Now they calls themselves refuse service officers and go cryin’ to the HSE if they break a fingernail.”
Ms. Slutsy McGammer, a 15-year-old mother of three, currently studying for an A-level in nuclear waste reprocessing, was recently handed a £100 on-the-spot fine by council super-sneak Ronnie Himmler after her wheelie bin was judged to be too close to the curb.
Ms. McGammer informed Smegmadale Clarion reporter Arthur Madeupname that the council could go and ‘fuck spiders’ as she couldn’t afford to pay the fine on her weekly DSS giro. “They’re gonna ‘ave to come round an’ take it outa me twat like the milkman an’ the electric meter bloke do.”
But for cash-strapped Smegmadale Council this is just the start of a money-grasping campaign aimed at generating income by targeting local residents over non-compliance with idiotic dustbin regulations.
Residents refusing, or failing, to pay their fines within two weeks could face legal processing costs of up to £5000 and end up with a criminal record, and have their names placed on the sex offenders register for good measure too
Recently-elected Councillor Barry Goebbels, BNP representative for Smegmadale East and an ex-welfare officer at Abu Ghraib prison, opined that residents had been flouting wheelie bin and refuse laws for far too long and now was the time to get tough.
“I’m for ‘avin’ the same strict laws like wot China’s got,” Goebbels told reporters.
“If yer don’t put yer bin out on time an’ in the right place, then yer get thrown in the nick an’ ‘ave yer vital organs ‘arvested. Then yer might think twice about doin’ it again’, wouldn’t yer, eh?”
But when challenged on this contentious point by The Spoof.com’s wheelie bin correspondent Jarvis Ratscock, that the Peoples’ Utopia of China didn’t actually have a refuse service and simply tossed their garbage into the nearest river, Goebells politely replied “Fuck off yer little speccy-eyed twat before I punch yer gob in.” Another winning first for the BNP.
Allergy warning : this article may contain traces of squirrel as it was written in a nut-infested environment.
To comply with the latest fruitcake scheme to emerge from the EU’s Brussels’ headbanging asylum, each residential wheelie bin will now be fitted with a satnav tracking beacon, a tachometer and a licence plate, and be subject to an annual MOT test.
This is the latest daft idea in what local residents described as a long line of daft ideas, with Frank Skidmarker, an unemployed dodo plucker, telling reporters “It’s another daft idea.”
Pensioner Elsie Scrotum, a Floodplains Avenue resident, expressed her opinion of the council’s scheme in stronger terms. “I think it’s another fuckin’ daft idea. Years ago these pansy twats used to be called binmen and carry our old style iron bins down alleyways on their shoulders, full of hot cinders, dogshit and broken glass, then tip the rubbish into the cart. Now they calls themselves refuse service officers and go cryin’ to the HSE if they break a fingernail.”
Ms. Slutsy McGammer, a 15-year-old mother of three, currently studying for an A-level in nuclear waste reprocessing, was recently handed a £100 on-the-spot fine by council super-sneak Ronnie Himmler after her wheelie bin was judged to be too close to the curb.
Ms. McGammer informed Smegmadale Clarion reporter Arthur Madeupname that the council could go and ‘fuck spiders’ as she couldn’t afford to pay the fine on her weekly DSS giro. “They’re gonna ‘ave to come round an’ take it outa me twat like the milkman an’ the electric meter bloke do.”
But for cash-strapped Smegmadale Council this is just the start of a money-grasping campaign aimed at generating income by targeting local residents over non-compliance with idiotic dustbin regulations.
Residents refusing, or failing, to pay their fines within two weeks could face legal processing costs of up to £5000 and end up with a criminal record, and have their names placed on the sex offenders register for good measure too
Recently-elected Councillor Barry Goebbels, BNP representative for Smegmadale East and an ex-welfare officer at Abu Ghraib prison, opined that residents had been flouting wheelie bin and refuse laws for far too long and now was the time to get tough.
“I’m for ‘avin’ the same strict laws like wot China’s got,” Goebbels told reporters.
“If yer don’t put yer bin out on time an’ in the right place, then yer get thrown in the nick an’ ‘ave yer vital organs ‘arvested. Then yer might think twice about doin’ it again’, wouldn’t yer, eh?”
But when challenged on this contentious point by The Spoof.com’s wheelie bin correspondent Jarvis Ratscock, that the Peoples’ Utopia of China didn’t actually have a refuse service and simply tossed their garbage into the nearest river, Goebells politely replied “Fuck off yer little speccy-eyed twat before I punch yer gob in.” Another winning first for the BNP.
Allergy warning : this article may contain traces of squirrel as it was written in a nut-infested environment.
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
LHC Quarked up after Wrong Sort of Big Bang
Earlier this month the scientific world’s bespectacled anorak gang, aka the Mensa Morons, with more degrees than a thermometer and less common sense than a business of lemmings, posed for media cameramen while quaffing firkins of champagne and grinning like Cheshire cats.
The most powerful atom smasher to be built since the destruction and sinking of Atlantis had just been switched on to global acclaim and the anoraks were ready to begin experiments that could unlock many of the enduring mysteries of the Universe: beginning with such enigmatic conundrums as to why the chicken crossed the road, how long is a piece of string, who really killed Cock Robin and why UK council tax is so fucking high.
Collective optimism often being a harbinger of Doom, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) created the wrong sort of big bang last weekend, causing a fault so serious that CERN, the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, announced last night that the particle accelerator would have to be shut down until a team of CORGI-registered plumbers could expedite repairs.
CERN director-general Ms. Candida Twatrot (NVQ 1 Particle Physics) informed reporters at last night’s press conference “It’s probably our own fault for employing the blokes from Scrapheap Challenge to help out with the LHC’s last minute assembly glitches and buying second-hand superconducting magnets from a car boot sale in Croydon.”
Preliminary investigations into the incident, in which huge quantities of helium and Bird’s premium custard leaked from the LHC’s cooling matrix, have further attributed the system failures to sub-standard copper piping supplied by B & Q and hiring unsupervised Albanian and Polish plumbers on a daily cash in hand basis.
Ronnie Pickersgill, a former Scunthorpe wheelbarrow mechanic now acting as CERN’s head of Advanced Guesswork division, advised media reporters that beams of protons travelling around the collider’s 17-mile (27km) circumference ring at 99.9999991 per cent of the speed of light had caused the main helium / custard cooling matrix to overheat, resulting in coolant leaks and the failure of a ten kilometer stretch of superconducter magnets.
Pickersgill further elaborated “In my opinion the protons are going far too fuckin' fast for safe operations. People tend to forget the LHC’s main ring is constructed out of half inch MDF, not the specified laminated titanium alloys as they were too expensive, so protons whizzing around inside at 185,362 miles per second have a tendency to knock the shit out of it.”
“When the helium / custard cooling system reservoirs ran dry, the MDF caught fire and what we scientific types call a ‘massive quench’ occurred”, Pickersgill explained.
When asked by the puzzled media to put the term ‘massive quench’ into everyday layman’s language he replied “A right major fuck-up.”
The most powerful atom smasher to be built since the destruction and sinking of Atlantis had just been switched on to global acclaim and the anoraks were ready to begin experiments that could unlock many of the enduring mysteries of the Universe: beginning with such enigmatic conundrums as to why the chicken crossed the road, how long is a piece of string, who really killed Cock Robin and why UK council tax is so fucking high.
Collective optimism often being a harbinger of Doom, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) created the wrong sort of big bang last weekend, causing a fault so serious that CERN, the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, announced last night that the particle accelerator would have to be shut down until a team of CORGI-registered plumbers could expedite repairs.
CERN director-general Ms. Candida Twatrot (NVQ 1 Particle Physics) informed reporters at last night’s press conference “It’s probably our own fault for employing the blokes from Scrapheap Challenge to help out with the LHC’s last minute assembly glitches and buying second-hand superconducting magnets from a car boot sale in Croydon.”
Preliminary investigations into the incident, in which huge quantities of helium and Bird’s premium custard leaked from the LHC’s cooling matrix, have further attributed the system failures to sub-standard copper piping supplied by B & Q and hiring unsupervised Albanian and Polish plumbers on a daily cash in hand basis.
Ronnie Pickersgill, a former Scunthorpe wheelbarrow mechanic now acting as CERN’s head of Advanced Guesswork division, advised media reporters that beams of protons travelling around the collider’s 17-mile (27km) circumference ring at 99.9999991 per cent of the speed of light had caused the main helium / custard cooling matrix to overheat, resulting in coolant leaks and the failure of a ten kilometer stretch of superconducter magnets.
Pickersgill further elaborated “In my opinion the protons are going far too fuckin' fast for safe operations. People tend to forget the LHC’s main ring is constructed out of half inch MDF, not the specified laminated titanium alloys as they were too expensive, so protons whizzing around inside at 185,362 miles per second have a tendency to knock the shit out of it.”
“When the helium / custard cooling system reservoirs ran dry, the MDF caught fire and what we scientific types call a ‘massive quench’ occurred”, Pickersgill explained.
When asked by the puzzled media to put the term ‘massive quench’ into everyday layman’s language he replied “A right major fuck-up.”
Monday, 22 September 2008
UN Official Calls for Promotion of Buggery
At the United Nations Population Control Conference in Istanbul last week the Saudi Arabian-born executive director of the UN Population Fund, Ms. Thoraya Obaid, called for more funding for the propagation of Third World population control and the ‘de-stigmatizing’ of sodomy.
The anal-obsessed Ms. Obaid began her remarks by commemorating the 40th anniversary of Ronnie Turdprodder’s book, ‘Take it Like a Man’, which had awakened readers worldwide to the threat of overpopulation and doubly appeased the Vatican hierarchy regarding contraception issues by promoting the practice of sodomy as the surest method of birth control, of which Catholic priests had been fully cognisant for centuries. (Anyone ever seen a pregnant choirboy?)
While she admitted the book’s prediction of the collapse of the condom industry had not come to pass, she emphasised the fact that most Third World males had no conception (a pun?)) of condom mechanics and should resort to anal copulation with their wives, girl-friends or mistresses (whoever) to eliminate the prospect of pregnancies.
Ms. Obaid cited the ‘Asian Tiger Economy’ miracle of the late1980’s in which a boom in economic development had followed a drop in regional childbirths due many Oriental women consenting to take it up the arse as their contribution to the UN’s ‘Sphincter Stretchers’ planned parenthood campaign.
That statistics for the increase of cases of chronic constipation and haemorrhoids among adult females had swerved off the charts following the adoption of this bum shagging policy was termed an acceptable (albeit pain in the arse) consequence due the vital success of the campaign.
A bout of raucous laughter echoed across the conference hall when a Turkish heckler commented that Ms. Obaid’s inadvertent reference to her ‘target’ for population control was the female brown eye, which propagated a steam of bawdy responses and ajoinders, including several homophobic references to ‘shit clackers’, ‘fudge burglars’ and ‘goat-bonkers’.
Perhaps most controversial in the conference’s record was Obaid’s claim that the UN and global religious institutions must fight even harder against stigma and discrimination concerning this method of population control and included men having sex with men, and certain animal groups, such as prettygoats and sensual sheep, among marginalized groups needing special protection.
Ms.Thoraya Obaid, formerly Mr. Ahmed Obaid prior to his / her transgender surgery, is the first Saudi Arabian to head a United Nations agency and has long been an outspoken supporter of full-on anal sex as a planned parenthood alternative to traditional methods of contraception or abortion.
Going on record last year during a guest appearance on the Oprah Shitney show, Obaid candidly confided to her host that while she adored being a three hole slut in a private trois et menage, nothing could beat a good old fashioned, Saudi-style ass-banging.
Eldest daughter of wealthy Saudi Arabian pharmaceuticals tycoon, Sheik Well Before Using, Obaid’s previous positions at the UN have included the Armenian cross-legged missionary, the Lybian full doggy, the Syrian half-doggy, and the Rangoon rectum rauncher.
The anal-obsessed Ms. Obaid began her remarks by commemorating the 40th anniversary of Ronnie Turdprodder’s book, ‘Take it Like a Man’, which had awakened readers worldwide to the threat of overpopulation and doubly appeased the Vatican hierarchy regarding contraception issues by promoting the practice of sodomy as the surest method of birth control, of which Catholic priests had been fully cognisant for centuries. (Anyone ever seen a pregnant choirboy?)
While she admitted the book’s prediction of the collapse of the condom industry had not come to pass, she emphasised the fact that most Third World males had no conception (a pun?)) of condom mechanics and should resort to anal copulation with their wives, girl-friends or mistresses (whoever) to eliminate the prospect of pregnancies.
Ms. Obaid cited the ‘Asian Tiger Economy’ miracle of the late1980’s in which a boom in economic development had followed a drop in regional childbirths due many Oriental women consenting to take it up the arse as their contribution to the UN’s ‘Sphincter Stretchers’ planned parenthood campaign.
That statistics for the increase of cases of chronic constipation and haemorrhoids among adult females had swerved off the charts following the adoption of this bum shagging policy was termed an acceptable (albeit pain in the arse) consequence due the vital success of the campaign.
A bout of raucous laughter echoed across the conference hall when a Turkish heckler commented that Ms. Obaid’s inadvertent reference to her ‘target’ for population control was the female brown eye, which propagated a steam of bawdy responses and ajoinders, including several homophobic references to ‘shit clackers’, ‘fudge burglars’ and ‘goat-bonkers’.
Perhaps most controversial in the conference’s record was Obaid’s claim that the UN and global religious institutions must fight even harder against stigma and discrimination concerning this method of population control and included men having sex with men, and certain animal groups, such as prettygoats and sensual sheep, among marginalized groups needing special protection.
Ms.Thoraya Obaid, formerly Mr. Ahmed Obaid prior to his / her transgender surgery, is the first Saudi Arabian to head a United Nations agency and has long been an outspoken supporter of full-on anal sex as a planned parenthood alternative to traditional methods of contraception or abortion.
Going on record last year during a guest appearance on the Oprah Shitney show, Obaid candidly confided to her host that while she adored being a three hole slut in a private trois et menage, nothing could beat a good old fashioned, Saudi-style ass-banging.
Eldest daughter of wealthy Saudi Arabian pharmaceuticals tycoon, Sheik Well Before Using, Obaid’s previous positions at the UN have included the Armenian cross-legged missionary, the Lybian full doggy, the Syrian half-doggy, and the Rangoon rectum rauncher.
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