Tory Rail Minister Shuns Train Service

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Tory PM Posh Dave Scameron – aka Austerity Man – yesterday pushed his threadbare ‘hoodie hugging’ political credibility to the limit when informing a gaggle of amused press hacks he’s prepared to go that extra mile – just like the Paralympic athletes - to fight tooth n nail in a bid to win the next election and ensure he and his public school mates and Masonic Brothers remain in power - by any means required - and maintain the landed gentry’s ‘elitist’ status quo – so his cabinet ministers can ‘continue’ to insult the Met’s Plod Squad when they don’t doff their caps – sexually abuse juvenile boys in Welsh care homes with impunity - and generally live high on the hog – in the hedonistic manner of Rail Fares Secretary Simon ‘Queue Jumper’ Burns.

According to a stellar expose in last weekend’s Sunday Shitraker, this self-indulgent prick of a Conservative MP does a daily commute of some thirty-five miles – each way - between his Essex mansion and the House of Conmans using the insular luxury of a chauffeur driven government limo at a cost of £80,000 quid per annum levelled against the hapless taxpayer’s purse – shunning a half-hour rattle-track train journey on Sardine Mainline where he’d be compelled to travel alongside the unwashed common herd whom he’s publicly labelled as ‘zombies’.

This scandalous disclosure follows in the wake of inflation-busting hikes of 4.2% to regulated rail fares - including season tickets – imposed by profit-motivated train operators such as the voracious Inter-Shitty Greedline, Worst Group, Notwork Rail and First Crapita Connect - all heaped upon a long-suffering hapless electoral demographic, coerced into reducing their carbon footprints by using public transport and then shafted yet again by a government whose priority constituents are the Fortune 500 company donors the Tory Party relies upon for its life’s blood – and cosy directorship sinecures at the end of their political careers.

Fellattia McSkanger, director of the commuter campaign group Rail-Ripoffs, giving her opinion of Burns’ aversion to suffering the same privations as the rest of the sheeple, informed the media “Wouldn’t it be nice if the twat tasked with setting these fare hikes actually volunteered – or was compelled by his political bosses - to get an up close and personal taste of the congestion and overcrowding that we, the common or garden variety of pissed-off travellers have to endure on a daily basis - specifically double the discomfort at treble the price when the scheduled train is delayed due another derailment – or on the occasions they do arrive on time there’s no fucking toilets and it’s standing room only from London’s Euston to Nonceland’s Edinburgh Waverly via the Caledonian Creeper Express."

In response an irate Burns, obviously not a personage who relishes criticism from those he regards as social inferiors, defended his use of a Department for Transport chauffeured limo, stating for the public record "I have given up my second home in London and commute to and from work carrying classified top secret DoT documents which I work on during my journey."

Conversely one embedded Cabinet Office whistleblower informed Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, that there are no restrictions on ministers taking their red boxes containing government papers on public transport – and it was quite the norm for commuters to hand in all manner of classified CDs, flash drives and A4 documents - inadvertently left behind by shit-for-brains civil servants - to lost property offices and police stations.

So, the ginger-mingin Secretary Burns - formerly the Tory Shadow Minister for Priority Access Affairs – can now join Andrew Mitchell and other like-minded egoistic snobs in the Parliamentary pariah’s box – reserved for career dog wankers - and become yet one more tosser who history will not treat kindly – especially so when it comes round to putting an X marks the spot on the ballot slip again.

A founding member of the Accra Halitosis Society, the slack-jawed Burns is marked by his unqualified arrogance, who abused Parliamentary privilege by referring to Speaker Bercow as a ‘stupid sanctimonious dwarf' - and ensured the cancellation of his passport to social acceptance by publicly demonstrating his personal disdain for cyclists by running them down en masse with a gas-guzzling 4 x 4 SUV in Parliament Square.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.