Sunday, 30 December 2012

Oxscam Charity Slams Scrooge Donors

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The career beggars running the mendicant Oxscam charity claim a negative image of Africa’s graft and corruption-ridden Third World nations is harming efforts to raise ready cash donations for food and medical aid.
They credit this phenomenon to the UK public finally regaining consciousness from their media-mesmerised comas and becoming totally disillusioned by the fact the despotic kleptocrats who have seized power via a democratic force of arms and much bloodshed are living high on the hog while their people starve.
Thus all manner of international aid ends up on eBay or gets shoved on Swap Shop and exchanged for assault rifles and other implements of coercion and murder – or converted into ready cash and deposited in their Zurich-based Paypal accounts.

One Oxscam director, Lady Chlamydia Ffitch-Gargoyle, informed a gutter press hack from the Scroungers Gazette that “75% of the British public have become inured and desensitised to images of little black African children looking like stick insects due living in prevailing conditions of hunger, drought and disease.”

“Okay, I do realise that many in the UK are unemployed or struggling to make ends meet with a part time job or reduced hours and wage freezes, but even a couple of quid out of their fortnightly Jobseekers Allowance can make a drastic difference between a child starving to death and being left on the roadside for a circling committee of vultures to peck at – or having a proper funeral and getting a Christian burial – even if they were Muslims or Pancake Tuesday Adventists or simply Juju pagans.”

The charity’s chief executive Dame Fellattia Sweaty-Sock added: "We here at Oxscam have led the way in drawing attention to the plight of Africa's most vulnerable people and we aren't trying to gloss over the problems that still beset so many of them - such as those in the Congo, being forced into slave labour to mine conflict diamonds and the unobtanium rare earth ores such as col-tran – and all for a lot less than the basic living wage in most of the EUSSR community nations.”

“Really, I joke not, when we were in the Southern Sudan recently, one nine-year old boy, N’dinga Jaffacake, confided to me that topping his wish list in life – after having enough water to wash his bum and one day be the proud owner of a toothbrush - was to be able to travel to China or Taiwan and work in a sweatshop factory making bling jewellery or designer trainers or t-shirts and not have to worry about treading on land mines or getting kidnapped by the Kono Gang and having to join God’s Army - or getting his hand chopped off with a panga if it looked like he was having second thoughts about the conscription.”

Conversely Ron McSkanger, a researcher with Twat-Watch, the socio-political abuse monitor, opined to reporters that “Not only has over-exposure to negative media and advertising portrayals of Africa and other Third World basket case dumps in a similar situation provided a stellar pantomime illustration to the whole caboodle as depressing, manipulative and hopeless – and the recipients of any aid totally apathetic - who just do an Oliver Twist and hold their hands out for ‘more’ – but we have these dingbats at Oxscam awarding themselves substantial salaries and performance bonuses.”

“Okay, the common herd over there are shit right out of luck as their leaders are a bunch of murdering kleptomaniacs who use blatant bribery and force of arms to get into power and will resort to a civil war before they relinquish it. But when you look at the trouble spot areas of the Sudan and Somalia and Ethiopia that the Oxscam gang are referring to – then the first thing our group have to do is throw our hands up and say “Of course these people are starving – they’re living in a fucking desert – what the fuck do they expect? There’s no water hence sod all grows there. Who in their right mind makes a strategic career change and goes off and lives in a desert – and they expect us to donate money to sort out this absurd masochistic dilemma?”

“So as far as we’re concerned, Oxscam can politely fuck off with these finger-pointing accusations that the British public are lacking in Yuletide empathy. First off they need to have a chat with this public school prick of a Tory Chancellor Georgie Osborne, who doesn’t even know what them word empathy means – or so we’d deduce the way he’s been slashing welfare benefits and established entitlements.”

“The Trussell Trust is the biggest food bank organizer in Britain and runs a network of 270 outlets across the UK – who fed 15,000 of the common herd demographic over the festive season fortnight in 2011 – and since the hand-outs began on Christmas Eve are predicting the numbers will be trebled this year. Thus if there’s anything left over come January 2nd then Oxscam can give them a call and have the surplus Fed-Ex'd out to their needy cases in Africa.”

Thought for the day. Hmmm, empathy beside – let’s change that to ‘sympathy’ – which is located in the dictionary right between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

3 comments:

Quinn said...

OXSCAM - like it.

wiggins said...

I already thought that 'our goverment' (sic) was throwing billions of aid in that direction.

Ally said...

Ally for Rusty: They are - Oxscam want the likes of 'us' to cough up as well.
Wycliffe (circa 1383)wrote: 'Charity should begin at himself' - whereas the immortal Dickens declared 'Charity begins at home - while justice begins next door.'