Monday 31 December 2012

UK Sick of EUSSR Fascist Domination

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Former head of the EUSSR Commission, Jacques le Merde, informed one gutter press hack from the Kraut business daily ‘Wankersblatt’ during his 106th birthday celebration on Friday that “These public school Tory snobs running Broken Britain only care for their own interests so they can cut loose from Brussels’ control and seek a drastically revised partnership deal - with them in charge as in the days of their horrid empire when they called the shots around the globe.”

"These British toffs are solely concerned about their economic interests and nothing else. It is all sour grapes as they are not part of the Brussels gravy train and our executive privilege Mercedes culture. There was never a problem when New Labour were in Downing Street and Peter Scandalson was the EUSSR’s Trade Commissioner and in charge of wheeling and dealing.”
“It is only now we have this Posh Dave Scameron character and his Coalition partner from the Librarian-Dummercrats, Mick Clogg – and the Devil in disguise – this UKIP leader Nigel Barrage who is an MEP yet a virulent anti-EUSSR skeptic – and hence the enemy within.”

Le Merde’s remarks coincided with a round robin of similar condemnation from the celebrated Walloonian scarecrow impersonator turned EUSSR President, Herman ‘Catweazle’ van Rumpy – he cursed with a room temperature level IQ and the charismatic personality of a Tower Hamlets slum squat – who warned that London could be the catalyst for the collapse of the entire 27 member state community due their obstinate refusal to sign up to the single euro currency - and now insisting on the repatriation of powers from the kleptocratic jobsworths running Brussels bloated bureaucracy.

Catweazle told media hacks that “Scameron seeks continued British membership in the EUSSR but under a new settlement that will sanction London to adopt a virtual pick and mix selection of Brussels more fascist policies.”

Conversely, UKIP’s Nigel ‘Indestructible’ Barrage opined to the press that van Rumpy’s criticism was more at scent than substance. “Not only are Britain’s common herd sick to the back teeth with Brussels’ domination and zero leeway for negotiations on any point of law or regulation – which amounts to Big Brother with a big stick – but the fact they smell a rat and know this is set to get a damn sight worse when the ultimate aim of the complete totalitarian Federalisation agenda is achieved.”

“Then things are going to get Draconian with a large capital D – as it won’t just be an extension of the current fiscal stranglehold but the establishment of a complete police state grid wherein the nauseous likes of Catweazle van Rumpy and Jose Barossa hold the power of life - and death - over the 27 nation member community’s common herd.”

“The first thing you’re going to see manifested is a total Orwellian panopticon surveillance control system designed to manifest as ‘martial law’ – with a lower case setting initially until they control of all resources – natural and otherwise – then initiate the break up of national identity with this absurd redrawing of the European regions so Newcastle and Geordieland will be part of Norway, Kent part of Holland, and Cornwall part of France – with the Isle of Wight becoming a sovereign state in its own right and the 28th member EUSSR state”

“So regardless of what optimistic crap Austerity Dave Scameron spouts during his House of Conmans verbal diarrhoea sessions, Broken Britain’s pissed off to the Nth degree and the proletariat have had enough of Europe’s bullshit and being ordered around by the fucking Germans and the French – our historical enemies, let me remind you – via their proxy stooges and muppets like van Rumpy – and will refuse to buckle to Brussels’ purported authority when push comes to shove.”

Thought for the day. Well, that’s what it’s all about – the subjugation of the sheeple – the tax-paying masses – the womb to tomb debt slaves – whose sole ‘treadmill turner’ mortal existence is to support a federal bureaucratic system packed to the seams with arse-shining jobsworths - tasked to man an alphabet soup of pointless agencies. Hence bollocks to further integration – or Federalisation - vote UKIP and fuck Brussels and the EUSSR federation - and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Travel Agents Diss NASA Crew’s Lunar Tours

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A team of former NASA technicians and exec’s – all Trekkie addicts - has launched a private space venture – Ripoff Rockets Inc - to send wannabee astronauts (with more money than sense) to the Moon for a mere US$1.4 billion bucks apiece – that’s a first class return trip fare, by the way, and includes all in-flight entertainment, earphones, sandwiches and complimentary drinks – plus oxygen.
It might well be one hefty lump to charge against your credit card – but think of all the frequent flier miles you’d clock up with the round trip – and no limit on the re-entry duty free allowance.

As the elder members of society might recall, if not already stricken with Alzheimer’s or galloping dementia, the good ole US of A became the first - and only - nation to land on the Moon in 1969 – thanks to Stanley Kubrick’s imaginative directorship, Neil Armstrong’s natural acting ability and special ‘lunar studio’ effects – a feat the Russians have never been able to equal, let alone beat, due their movie industry being what film enthusiasts class as ‘utter crap’.

Costs and waning interest has prevented America from staging any other lunar missions, with President Barky O’Barmy cancelling a planned NASA return to the Moon with the justification that the Great Satan had already been there - and now was the time for some all-new destination to go where Uncle Sam’s astronauts had never gone before – such as Venus or the Sun.

So who from the ranks of the rich and shameless will want to risk their lives on NASA’s Ripoff Rockets madcap venture? Surely no fucker or their dog who ever rented a Blockbuster Video copy of Apollo 13 – or downloaded the same from Pirate Bay – and suddenly realised that the RAC and AA don’t cover breakdowns outside the Earth’s atmosphere.

However the multi-zillionaire Russian oligarch, Oleg Mobsaroubles, owner of Wankprom Oil and Gulag Gaz, has apparently made an as-yet unconfirmed booking on Ripoff Rockets maiden voyage for himself and long-time girlfriend, the Ukrainian celebrity night club stripper Tekem Orloff.

Mobsarouble told one press hack from the Headbangers Gazette that “I have my own fleet of executive jets and joined the Five Mile High Club years ago - then we tell the pilots to fly at six miles high, then seven – so we can set another record - then they say they cannot so we hire one of Roscosmos rockets to fly us to the International Space Station where we become the first couple to have gravity-free sex in orbit. Now as soon as these ex-NASA people get their shit together we are going to set a record for the first human couple to have a bonk on the Moon.”

Conversely, killjoy critics such as Thomas Cook Tours and Titsup Travel have slammed the concept with a sour grapes vengeance – along with the ever-petulant Richard Branson going into his customary whinge mode that some fucker might be getting one up on him – and the ex-NASA team’s Ripoff Rockets venture have stolen his own long term idea for the Virgin Galactic flights – if the aeronautic glued-together monstrosity is able to launch the orbital craft slung under its belly.

Chlamydia Mingerot, sales director for Titsup Travel, opined to media hacks that “Good grief, where are people going to stay, I ask you? There are no motels and a total lack of tourist attractions – no fast food outlets, no swimming pools – and just think of the risk of allergies with all that dust.”
“Then we have the distinct possibility of developing deep vein thrombosis on the long flight – even if passengers wear one of those elastic stocking thingies - plus a chance of a stroke while on the Moon due the low gravity.”

Perhaps Jules Verne, Bulwer Lytton and HG Wells might well turn in their graves, but this is the space race of today with quantum leap advances in celestial mechanics and astro-technology. Just look at North Korea under the innovative leadership of His Imperial Fatness Kim Jong-Un – their Paranoia III booster rockets can now reach as far as Japan before they crash into the sea – and Hamas’ scientists, operating from a dug-out under Mama al Balawi’s matzo bakery in Gaza are developing a jet propulsion system for their Qassam IX missile that has the capability to clear Israel’s 30-foot high Great Apartheid Wall to have its sub-nuclear weed killer and sugar combination warhead explode inside the rogue Zionist state’s own borders.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, a day out trip to the Moon - be nice for an off planet ‘stop and shop’ excursion – with a flying visit to the alien base deep below the Tycho Crater in the Sea of Constipation and find out who’s actually in charge of the hollowed-out lunar satellite– the Greys or the Reptoids from the Draco star system.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Sunday 30 December 2012

Oxscam Charity Slams Scrooge Donors

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The career beggars running the mendicant Oxscam charity claim a negative image of Africa’s graft and corruption-ridden Third World nations is harming efforts to raise ready cash donations for food and medical aid.
They credit this phenomenon to the UK public finally regaining consciousness from their media-mesmerised comas and becoming totally disillusioned by the fact the despotic kleptocrats who have seized power via a democratic force of arms and much bloodshed are living high on the hog while their people starve.
Thus all manner of international aid ends up on eBay or gets shoved on Swap Shop and exchanged for assault rifles and other implements of coercion and murder – or converted into ready cash and deposited in their Zurich-based Paypal accounts.

One Oxscam director, Lady Chlamydia Ffitch-Gargoyle, informed a gutter press hack from the Scroungers Gazette that “75% of the British public have become inured and desensitised to images of little black African children looking like stick insects due living in prevailing conditions of hunger, drought and disease.”

“Okay, I do realise that many in the UK are unemployed or struggling to make ends meet with a part time job or reduced hours and wage freezes, but even a couple of quid out of their fortnightly Jobseekers Allowance can make a drastic difference between a child starving to death and being left on the roadside for a circling committee of vultures to peck at – or having a proper funeral and getting a Christian burial – even if they were Muslims or Pancake Tuesday Adventists or simply Juju pagans.”

The charity’s chief executive Dame Fellattia Sweaty-Sock added: "We here at Oxscam have led the way in drawing attention to the plight of Africa's most vulnerable people and we aren't trying to gloss over the problems that still beset so many of them - such as those in the Congo, being forced into slave labour to mine conflict diamonds and the unobtanium rare earth ores such as col-tran – and all for a lot less than the basic living wage in most of the EUSSR community nations.”

“Really, I joke not, when we were in the Southern Sudan recently, one nine-year old boy, N’dinga Jaffacake, confided to me that topping his wish list in life – after having enough water to wash his bum and one day be the proud owner of a toothbrush - was to be able to travel to China or Taiwan and work in a sweatshop factory making bling jewellery or designer trainers or t-shirts and not have to worry about treading on land mines or getting kidnapped by the Kono Gang and having to join God’s Army - or getting his hand chopped off with a panga if it looked like he was having second thoughts about the conscription.”

Conversely Ron McSkanger, a researcher with Twat-Watch, the socio-political abuse monitor, opined to reporters that “Not only has over-exposure to negative media and advertising portrayals of Africa and other Third World basket case dumps in a similar situation provided a stellar pantomime illustration to the whole caboodle as depressing, manipulative and hopeless – and the recipients of any aid totally apathetic - who just do an Oliver Twist and hold their hands out for ‘more’ – but we have these dingbats at Oxscam awarding themselves substantial salaries and performance bonuses.”

“Okay, the common herd over there are shit right out of luck as their leaders are a bunch of murdering kleptomaniacs who use blatant bribery and force of arms to get into power and will resort to a civil war before they relinquish it. But when you look at the trouble spot areas of the Sudan and Somalia and Ethiopia that the Oxscam gang are referring to – then the first thing our group have to do is throw our hands up and say “Of course these people are starving – they’re living in a fucking desert – what the fuck do they expect? There’s no water hence sod all grows there. Who in their right mind makes a strategic career change and goes off and lives in a desert – and they expect us to donate money to sort out this absurd masochistic dilemma?”

“So as far as we’re concerned, Oxscam can politely fuck off with these finger-pointing accusations that the British public are lacking in Yuletide empathy. First off they need to have a chat with this public school prick of a Tory Chancellor Georgie Osborne, who doesn’t even know what them word empathy means – or so we’d deduce the way he’s been slashing welfare benefits and established entitlements.”

“The Trussell Trust is the biggest food bank organizer in Britain and runs a network of 270 outlets across the UK – who fed 15,000 of the common herd demographic over the festive season fortnight in 2011 – and since the hand-outs began on Christmas Eve are predicting the numbers will be trebled this year. Thus if there’s anything left over come January 2nd then Oxscam can give them a call and have the surplus Fed-Ex'd out to their needy cases in Africa.”

Thought for the day. Hmmm, empathy beside – let’s change that to ‘sympathy’ – which is located in the dictionary right between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Saturday 29 December 2012

Tories to Field Child Protection Scheme

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Senior civil servants at Whitehall’s Department for Wasting Time & Money, in conjunction with the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, are working flat out like a lizard drinking to cobble together an online system that will identify children who may be in danger of abuse from kiddie fiddling Tory cabinet ministers on a tour of North Wales juvenile care homes - or villainous BBC DJs posing as do-gooder philanthropists – a system that when fully operational, will be under the aegis of Parliament’s newly-established Paedo-Alert watchdog.

The £9 million quid Child Protection Information System is primarily intended to set off alarm bells and act as a wake-up call to somnambulant doctors and nurses manning the National Ill-Health Service’s A & E departments if kids being brought in with suspicious injuries are known to be at risk from pikey child sex traffickers servicing the debased and licentious carnal requirements of Masonic Brotherhood perverts and Swiss-Irish breakfast cereal tycoons - or have previously sought treatment at other hospitals for such injuries as a prolapsed sphincter – or appear to have been used as a punchbag.

So it’s basically a ‘six and two-threes’ approach – child molesters on the one hand and dysfunctional families on the other – where a shit-for-brains 16-year old mother of three has been on a bender and neglecting her brood to the point of unwashed starvation - or her alkie-druggie boyfriend’s guilty of booting the crap out of his bitch’s sprogs as a means of stress relief after the DWP and Jobcentre put the brakes on his welfare benefits and he can’t get a daily fix of B & Q’s finest vintage meths or a couple of lines of snort.

A pilot scheme fielded throughout 2011 at the prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence in Hyde, Greater Manchester, uncovered a chronicle of sexual abuse visited on vulnerable underage teen girls from neighbouring Rochdale by a gang of Paki taxi drivers – all of whom were found to have contracted doses of the dreaded ‘Karachi Clap’ – juxtaposed with the shocking injuries inflicted on pubescent boys - consistent with them being forced to engage their primary school contemporaries in gladiatorial style mortal combat at a covert Salford-based cage fighting pit located in the basement of the Eccles Old Road branch of Pestco’s Greedy Grocer supermarket.

The discovery led to the successful prosecution of staff from the Broughton branch of Flatbrokes, the UK’s ubiquitous High Street bookies, who promoted the scraps and paid off corrupt teachers at the St Sodom’s School for Latter Day Catamites to ‘borrow’ pupils for an afternoon to fill their junior ‘Fight-to-the-Death’ fixtures where 11-year old kids beat the shit out of each other with tyre irons and hockey sticks in return for a guaranteed pass in their SATS exams.

Under the new system, injured children arriving at a hospital A & E or urgent care centre will be checked on the National Ill-Health Service’s CPIF computer system which is tasked to clarify whether the youngster is on the register for kids considered to be at risk or in one of a local council’s paedo-friendly orphanages.

Dr Freddy Patel, a consultant on cage fighting injuries and 'Tomlinson's Syndrome', informed BBC Two's ‘Junior Strictly Come Scrapping’ programme that if a member of the clinical team - a nurse, doctor, pathologist or mortician - or visiting DJ - made a judgement call and believed a child might be at risk, they could escalate their concerns ‘up the ladder’ – and ultimately result in an autopsy, revealing not only the fact that the victim had suffered serious head wounds and brain damage from being subjected to a fatal 'Harwood Manoeuvre' back strike - or clubbed to death with a cricket bat, but also the fact his prolapsed anal sphincter revealed he’d been the toyboy sex slave of a cabal of sinister Tory cabinet ministers making after dark visits to his care home.

Thought for the day. Satire and black humour besides, what twisted fuck could do that to another sentient being – let alone a child? What is wrong with a mature, lusting sexperienced woman fucking your brains out? Problem is, these scumsters are sexual sadists who get off on hurting kiddies.

Thanks to the crusading likes of MPs Tom Watson and John Hemming, down in England and Wales the Plod Squad have three independent child sexual abuse investigations on the go – Operation ‘Yewtree’ (nice bit of Masonic Brotherhood symbolism there) - Operation Fairwank and Operation ‘Palliate’ - all trying to outdo each other in the whitewash / coverups department to protect their fudging, paedo' political masters.

Meanwhile, up north of the border in bonny Scotland, thanks to devolution and hence independence from Westminster oversight, Alex Salmond’s Scottish Nonce Party are still striving to divert attentions from the Hollie Greig scandal involving the alleged serial rape of special needs and disabled bairns by a notorious gang of establishment elitists Freemason paedo’s in Aberdeen – which now surpasses even Edinburgh’s infamy as a centre for rub n tug massage parlours and rent boy brothel-based sexual sin – and has been labelled across the UK and abroad as Caledonia’s new kiddie fiddling capital.

Anyone with a moral conscience who dares mention ‘Hollie Demands Justice’ and the offending parties fingered in her testament of abuse – or those guilty of suppressing and covering up the scandal – and it’s a summary swoop by the Grampian Plod Squad armed with international arrest warrants and a conjured set of charges to ensure a pantomime stitch-up trial by the secret handshake merchants running what passes for a justice system. Hmmm, doubtless William Wallace, a true Scot’s patriot, is turning in his grave.

Mind you, child molesting being a top scoring sicko sin on the human rights abuse monitor scale, that’s fuck all to what the homicidal maniacs assigned to the Israeli Defence Force are doing with Palestinian kids – kidnapping them for their internal organs to feed the rabid rabbi’s international black market transplant trade – and never a mention about the unclean goyim or things not being too kosher - or breaking Moses’ Fifth Commandment.

But there lies the character flaw in human nature – with us being an actual prime example of Mother Nature’s failed experiment with intelligence-equipped bipeds – stricken with what science is chomping at the bit to isolate in our DNA – the ‘evil gene’ – and thus demolish the foundation stone that mainstream religion sits upon viz God = good / Satan = bad.

The 'dark side' of spirituality or conscious intent besides, we’ll always be stuck with sexual deviants – fudgers, rug-munchers and paedo’s – and a line of jobseekers queuing up to work for Huntingdon Life Sciences’ vivisection / animal cruelty division, ready to punch a few beagles and put in an 8 hour shift of hamster strangling.
And let's not overlook the legions volunteering to turn on the gas in the showers at the local FEMA internment centre and stoke the camp’s crematorium furnaces – just as the Poles and Slavs – ‘and’ Jews of convenience - did for the Nazis at Auschwitz-Birkenau and a host of other Final Solution centres around Europe – until it came round to their turn to choke and burn.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Friday 28 December 2012

Tory Call to Repeal Foxhunting Ban

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sinister moves to repeal the ban on hunting with dogs in England and Wales by elitist parties of self-interest are not set to occur in the coming year. Well, that’s the gospel according to Environment Secretary Owen ‘The Cobbler’ Paterson (formerly Shadow Minister for Firewood Affairs) – but speaking to a gutter press hack from the Vivisectionists Gazette, insisted he was still in favour of pushing the Coalition to give MPs a free vote on lifting the ban.

More than 300 fancy dress hunts gathered for their traditional Boxing Day meets, although it’s been illegal to hunt animals with large, nasty dogs in England and Wales for seven years – and in Scotland since 2002 – even though rigorous moral campaigns and petitions besides, the ingrained sport of kiddie fiddling north of the border still seems indemnified against being successfully targeted by a Nonce Ban.

Paterson, known for his ghastly taste in ties and having the dress sense of a pikey tramp, is viewed by Tory Party hard-liners as an authentic blood sports environmental pillager at heart who shares their barbaric instincts to repeal New Labour’s 2004 Hunting Act so the landed gentry can get back on with their favoured historic pastimes of coursing hares, baiting badgers, cock fighting and chasing Bolshie peasants through what remains of our once-sceptred isle’s dark forests with savage hounds.

The incumbent Tory MP for North Slopshire, Paterson has been, until recently, bed-ridden and recovering from a nasty case of Bovine TB, contracted after being bitten by an irate badger who didn’t take kindly to a 12 gauge shotgun being poked into his sett by the obnoxious MP doing his bit for the now-aborted genocidal ‘brock cull’.
Accident prone bad luck seems to follow Paterson around like the spectre of the Grim Reaper as in his previous post of Shadow Minister for Firewood Affairs he was stricken with a chronic case of Ash Dieback Disease.

Anti-blood sport activists and political critics alike have been quick to point out that Paterson is the wrong man for this job due being a keen equestrian with personal sympathies for the foxhunt culture, and a man who boasts - while in his cups - to have galloped across Turkmenistan at full pelt while being pursued by a gang of Uzbek arse bandits intent on buggering him.

Conversely while Paterson might be very much a party creature he still retains some element of the pragmatist within his corrupted political soul and is wholly aware that reintroducing the debate on hunting in the House of Conmans would simply reinforce what Ed Millipede's New Labour gang are broadcasting to the media and common herd – that the Tories are out of touch with the aspirations of the voting public – a fact that quite possibly won’t dawn on them until the next General Election when they have to move out of Downing Street and off Parliament’s front benches to make room for Nigel Barrage and his UKIP boys.

Candida Mingerot, the official spokesperson for DEFRA, informed media hacks that "Okay, the government might well have pledged to put forward a motion to allow a free vote on the Hunting Act – which doesn’t amount to much really considering all the other election campaign trail pledges Scameron and Mick Clogg have broken since slithering into power as Coalition partners.”

However, Ms Mingerot’s little revelation besides, Owen the Cobbler insisted it was still the government's intention to have a free vote - but needed to choose an appropriate moment – such as the next time the Met Plod Squad pull one of their extra-judicial killings and snuff another half-chat scally cum local Anti-Christ wannabee down in Tottenham and a series of nation-wide riots kick off – or MI5 and Mossad decide to stage another 7/7 false flag Muslim terrorist attack on the London tube system – providing the ideal opportunity to repeal the Hunting Act, while the moronic public are glued to their telly screens and wholly distracted from what’s really going on in the world.

Responding to Paterson's comments, the shadow environment secretary, Mary McSkanger, told MSM reporters that "Most people – and foxes - back New Labour's ban on hunting animals with nasty dogs. The peasants are having anxiety attacks about being made redundant and having their mortgages foreclosed and this bunch of Tory twats wants to bring back hunting – which to us indicates that something is totally fucked up with Posh Dave Scameron’s sense of priorities."

McSkanger’s comments follow on the heels of a recent successful RSPCA prosecution of two members of the Scumborough Hunt which has proved that illegal hunting is still a reality.
Apparently the hunt's organisers told the court they should, under the statutes of feudal law and tradition, be entitled, as landowners, to hunt whatever the fuck they liked on their own property – or that of some cap-doffing tenant farmer – and have their hounds tear hares, badgers and foxes to ribbons as that was the entire essence of blood sports.

Regardless of the arrogance of the gentry, the Hunting Act states emphatically, without one shred of ambiguity, that the rich and shameless are no longer allowed to use hounds to chase down foxes, but instead have the doggy-woggys follow the scent of a drag lure, laid in advance – as per the Boxing Day Smegmadale Hunt which used an artificial trail of synthetic ‘pikey scent’ – put down by dragging an Albanian swan poacher’s shirt and jock strap across the fields half an hour before.

Speaking to BBC Radio 4's ‘Exterminators Hour’ programme, the House of Lords spokesman on hunting, Lord Barney White-Spunker, was joined by Lord Stilton of the Wastrels, and opined that "Any debate on repealing the Hunting Act is going to take up valuable Parliamentary time and resources and the Coalition’s got its hands full right now with other priorities – such as overthrowing the legitimate Assad government in Syria and getting set for a shooting war with those Muslim terrorist johnnies over in Iran who’ve made a heap of atom bombs out of biscuit tins like they do on Scrapheap Challenge.”

Okay, a quick show of hands here – who’s for repealing the foxhunting ban?
Well, no fucker at the Jobcentre seems keen on the idea so we’ll let it stand – just to piss off all the upper class toffs who participate in this wealthy man’s game – the sport of the rich and shameless. Well, it must be - how many unemployed oicks do you see hosting the stirrup cup and shouting ‘Tally-Ho!’ as they ride off to hounds on their bay gelding?

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals – foxes, badgers, otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of the landed gentry were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day. Political posturing besides, it all amounts to fucking hypocrisy anyway when the British government – past and present – bear responsibility for scores of unjustified ‘blood sport’ MQ-9 Reaper drone attacks on civilian targets in Afghanistan and Pakiland. Juxtaposed with a couple of Shitstreak missiles bearing down on a laser-lit / DGPS-locked target (school / hospital / orphanage) - then the fox is on a winner as at least he can hear a pack of hounds coming after his red-tailed ass.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Gun-Toting Yanks want Moron Deported

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Over in the good ole US of A (The Royal Virginia Company) CNN network television host Piers Moron (formerly Stefan O’Meara) has once again achieved pariah status – this time for engaging in a hostile attack against the Constitution of his host country - due targeting the immutable statutes of the Bill of Rights Second Amendment, and claiming all gun-toting Yanks are a bunch of chicken shit psychos just a single ‘missed’ psychotropic drug dose away from going postal.

Signatures on a petition to have Moron deported and sent back to Broken Britain are statistically increasing at a geometric rate proportionate to the ire and fury generated by his media broadcast condemnation for our Colonial Cousins (sic) cherished right to bear arms – and shoot whoever the fuck they like – with a total of 60,000-plus members of the National Gunslingers Association queuing up to stick their monikers down on the extradition demand so far – along with demands that Congress have ultra-ugly broomstick merchant, Dianne Goldman Berman Feinstein - the super-kikester ZioNazi Democrat Senator for California – euthanized for agreeing with Moron’s gun ban call.

Yet again, in what obviously amounts to a fatal character flaw, Moron failed to engage brain prior to opening gob and with his customary unqualified arrogance went into tub thumping preacher mode, advocating the Congressional passage and implementation of nation-wide gun control to prevent similar tragedies alike the 14th December school shootings at Sandy Hook, Connecticut.

Conversely the trigger-happy pro-gun National Quick Draw Association (NQDA), boasting more than four million members, has rejected the need for tighter gun control, and drawing on a 2011 Small Arms Survey finding that there are 88.8 firearms for every 100 Americans, believes this figure should be increased to 2.5 handguns per each adult member of American household – with actual school teachers being kitted out with the same firepower as Seal Team 6 special forces troopers on a combat strike mission - to ensure they can put down Bolshie homicidal maniacs like Adam Lanza as soon as they get that give away Respidal / Gabitril medication-deficient ‘locked and loaded’ look in their crazed, bi-polar eyes.

So it looks like everyone’s favourite dickhead has done it again – been labelled as public enemy number one and as popular as a leper at a christening. The hapless Moron, known to friends and acquaintances alike as a ‘right cunt’, is perhaps best remembered over in the UK for slithering his way out of a well-deserved jail term for not only breaching insider trading laws but also overseeing a culture of phone hacking while he was top dog at the Daily Shitraker gutter press tabloid.

The Moron might well have attempted to sanitise his act to a lesser extent over the past few years but has a chain’s length of conspicuous dodgy links to Raving Rupert Mudrock’s News Corporation crime syndicate dating back to his earlier hacking days at the Scumbags Gazette.

Later, while editor of the Daily Shitraker he bought £20,000,000 zillion quids-worth of shares in the company producing the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra just days prior to having his tabloid’s Shitty Slickers column push the little blue aphrodisiac pill as ‘the bee’s knees for keeping your cock hard’ – and while the shit hit the fan for the journalists involved, Moron walked away without a criminal charge being filed.

However his come-uppance finally came in May 2004 after authorising the Daily Shitraker’s publication of photographs allegedly showing Iraqi prisoners being buggered by British Army troopers from the Queen’s Own 21st Sodomite Regiment – but within days the pix were shown to be crude fakes.

Under the banner headline ‘Whoops – We Fucked Up Again!’ the Shitraker responded that it had fallen victim to a calculated and malicious hoax staged by MI6 on orders from New Labour PM Tony Bliar - for the actual photos had previously appeared in Tel Aviv’s Pound of Flesh Gazette and were of a squad of Israeli bully boy thugs attached to the IDF’s 14th Hafganat Koah Brigade – which specializes in the slaughter of innocent Palestinian civilians - at their Facility 1391 interrogation and torture centre – gang raping a group of teenage West Bank prisoners.

Conversely, in a pathetic attempt to divert attention from the deportation petition - which Moron claims he couldn’t care less about as there’s always a vacancy for tossers like him somewhere in the media industry – or on Britain’s Got Talent or the X-Factor - he’s now begun tweeting about last weekend’s ‘lone gunman’ shooting / murder of two NY firefighters to further justify and promote his call for the abolition of the Second Amendment.

Apparently the headbanger responsible for the murders was an ex-convict who was previously jailed for killing his grandmother with a hammer – therefore, to Moron’s quirky way of thinking, this presents a sound argument for the passage of Congressional legislation to also ban hammers along with firearms.

Thought for the day. Well, what an unwanted Christmas present that is – having Piers Moron deported back to the UK. How about you guys keep the twat as we definitely don’t want the obnoxious prick back here – just dump him in one of the FEMA camps (red / extermination sector) – or shove him down on Level 6 of the Dulce Alien Research facility in New Mexico for a course of genetic experiments.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Thursday 27 December 2012

UK Xmas Sales Add to Debtocracy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A prediction augured jointly by UK-based bankruptcy courts and debt collection agencies from their computerised Ouija board software programmes – and supported by a host of Gyppo fortune tellers and assorted Pikey psychics reading the more traditional analog prophecy devices such as tea leaves, frog’s entrails, bleached bones and the I Ching – claims the great British knobhead collective - deservedly referred to as the sheeple or common herd - are expected to squander somewhere in the region of £3 zillion quid in the Boxing Day to New Year sales period on all kinds of materialistic bling crap and kitsch tat they don’t really need.

Legions of bargain-hunters descended in their veritable hordes on High Streets and shopping malls across the length and breadth of Broken Britain in the hours before dawn on Boxing Day – with money-hungry stores slashing prices and opening at 06:00 GMT in a bid to lure customers to their proffered bargains-to-die-for entrapment webs and part with the contents of their wallets – or simply bung the costs on the plastic fantastic.

Market analyst Shylock Scattstein, speaking outside his Rothshite crime syndicate bankster offices on Eye of the Needle Street in the City’s Square Mile, opined to one gutter press hack from the Wastrels Gazette that online spending is expected to be the biggest and busiest ever, and exceeded £500 million nicker on Christmas Eve alone via the ubiquitous Amazon, eBay and Bid Channel websites.
“These people are off their fucking rockers – loading up credit cards to the limit and collectively building a mountain of debt that’s bigger than the GNP of most Third World shitholes. Really, how many tuck hampers, trifles and mince pies - or Bell Enders DVD box sets do a family need, I ask you?”

As though to prove Scattstein correct, several million bleary-eyed would-be shoplifters, anxious to take advantage of the in-store chaos and mayhem - gathered to catch hypothermia together shortly after midnight outside major shopping centres around the country, such as Ripoffs-R-Us in London and Birmingham's Bullshit Ring - where Mammon & Snobfords and Chav Fashions were offering discounts of up to 95% on a complete range of Spot-the-Twat hi-viz jobsworth gilets, Masonic Brotherhood aprons, Taiwanese cable knit v-neck pullovers, Mormon underwear - and a line of genuine Nonceland Argyle socks.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense made sure that shoppers were forewarned of a strike by a cabal of self-indulgent Trotskyist Tube train drivers that threatened to sever the commuter lifeline for suburban bargain hunters – although extra Boris Bikes were being fielded as far out as Elephant & Castle and Bromley to accommodate die hard shop-til-we-drop aficionados on a mission.

2012 is the third year in a row that drivers on the Underground have taken industrial action on Boxing Day and still not caught on to the fact their Rattle Track bosses don’t give a flying fuck as they’re not prepared to fork out triple overtime pay plus a day off. However there’s no educating pork and the best one can expect from a pig is a grunt.

Transport obstacles besides, ardent shoppers queued up around the block before dawn to get into a branch of NEXT at Kingston-upon-Thames.
Que, before dawn? What the fuck for - in the hope of buying a brain – or at least a couple of ounces of common sense.
Okay, one might understand if this was a queue to grab a lifejacket and get a seat in one of the Titanic’s lifeboats – but fucking NEXT. Gimmee a break - all they sell is sweatshop crap clothing. Really, what self-respecting corpse would submit to getting buried in a NEXT suit?

Whereas on the lighter side, in Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill Civic Centre, crowds queued overnight to be the first into their local Pound Stretcher outlet that advertised festive season bargains but where – oddly enough – Bev Titwank, a 16-year old mother of three, claimed “It’s all a big effin’ scam cos everythin’s now bin dropped ter 99 pence.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Wednesday 26 December 2012

NHS Trust Starves Patients to Death

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In another of his customary displays of not knowing what the fuck is going on outside the moronic confines of his own bat-eared skull, the Royal Plant Whisperer, aka Dobby, Prince of Wales, has (without a thought for where the money’s coming from) called for the reorganisation of Broken Britain’s equally ‘broken’ National Ill-Health Service - to create a Hippocratic Arcadia - one fired with a philosophy of compassion that encompasses the principles of holistic healing and the core human elements of mind, body and spirit - that will generate a curative empathy and empower patients to find their own path back to the circle of wellbeing.

Obviously unaware of Prince Chazzer’s wholly unqualified personal Utopian views on how to run a health service, the Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence, a Redditch-based NHS Trust hospital, has been pressured into writing to thirty-eight families to admit shortcomings and say ‘Whoops, sorry’ following a massive legal action which exposed a year’s-old culture of bad practices - ranging from nurses taunting patients with sharp sticks to waving bedpans full of crap under their noses and leaving MRSA-infected corpses under beds or rotting away in utility cupboards.

In one of the worst cases of abuse a patient actually had ‘Starvation’ recorded as the cause of death after being subjected to three months of the National Ill-Health Service’s lack of care and his meal tray being purposely left out of reach by a cadre of spiteful nurses who ran a book on what he’d die from first – hunger or dehydration.

To add to the chaos the moronic autopsy team at the Freddy Patel Institute for Post Mortem Guessology then submitted a contradictory report to the Coroner’s office stating that the hapless patient’s death was actually due a chronic case of the dreaded ‘Tomlinson’s Syndrome’ – an affliction common in alcoholic news vendors who’ve been beaten to death by one of the homicidal maniacs assigned to the Met’s Territorial Support Group.

The Tory’s smarmy twat of a Health Secretary, Jeremy ‘BSkyB’ Hunt, (skill sets: influence peddling and corruption) doing his public school best to disguise the trademark shit-eating grin with a ‘not amused’ frown, informed a press hack from the Abattoir Gazette that he was appalled and disgusted by the level of mistreatment that vulnerable patients had been subjected to – specifically in a hospital care unit where they’d gone for medical treatment and eventually left sicker than when they arrived – with the lucky ones going home while still breathing - and the more unfortunate leaving feet first, bound for the graveyard.

Dr Candida Mingerot, director of the Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence, issued a statement claiming "Whilst the Trust has accepted there have been shortcomings and certain aspects of the care afforded to some patients might well have fallen below the standard they could possibly have expected in other hospitals staffed by qualified doctors and nurses who really give a fuck - all of the cases cited are donkeys years old, and we have no documented record of any of the patients ever complaining about the quality of their care or treatment - even when they were put on our Liverpool Care Pathway euthanasia regimen.”

Conversely, Ms Sue Fleecem, QC, a legal beagle with Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot who represented the families, informed reporters from the MSM that “Obviously something was totally fucked up with the Hippocratic Oath dynamic and the NHS Trust’s failures in the duty of care and meeting essential standards when we reflect on the litany of systematic mistreatment listed in the Care and Quality Commission’s report – but what else can one expect when half the nursing staff were ex-military medics previously assigned to Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Prison’s welfare department and not a single one of the Pikey migrant doctors spoke English.”

Bev McSkanger, whose 96-year old mother also starved to death at Redditch’s Harold Shipman Centre in 2010, had this to say to press hacks. “The week before me Mum died she got a bit of a bad chest – probably due the three packs of Marlboro she smoked a day – an’ every time she coughed yer could hear her effin’ ribs rattlin’ – that’s how thin she’d got wiv the tucker they served up there.”

“So wot’s the deal wiv NHS meals now, we wants ter know – the slop they dish up is like pigswill anyways – an’ now wiv this cost-effective approach Liverpool Care Pathway scam these cunts are even holdin’ back drinks an’ meals so the patients kick the bucket faster an’ loose up beds an’ cut down on food costs.”
“It’s all a crock of shit as far as we’re concerned cos the prisoners got better fed by the nasty Nazis in Auschwitz.”

Thought for the day. Here again we see an instance where fuck all is done in the way of censure – with letters of apology and a total of £410,000 quid to be divvied up 38 ways viewed as a suitable compensation compromise for gross malpractice and negligence. How about some fucker and their dog dragged before the beak and slapped with a 20 year custodial sentence – hard labour on the good old Dickensian prison diet of bread and water?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Tuesday 25 December 2012

Queen’s Xmas Speech Goes Hi-Tech 3D

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Yes, 3:00pm sharp this afternoon, let’s all be good little sheeple and gather around the goggle box, wearing our silly specs, to watch and listen as HRH Queen Brenda delivers her annual ‘Shock n Awe’ Christmas speech in genuine 3D Hypocrisy Vision - and jumps out from the screen at us in her finest knitted two-piece and bling, rabbiting on about Peace on Earth as she sends greetings to all our ‘heroes’ battling away against the toxic Taliban in Afghanistan to guard the Socal gas pipeline and money-spinning opium poppy crops.

Doubtless there’ll be a covert blessing for the sneaky special forces from 22nd SAS’s Credenhill Barracks in Hereford, slogging away over the festive season holiday with a cadre of the Great Satan’s Delta and DEVGRU grunts, doing their bit to help the mercenary Salafist rebel forces turn order into chaos with Israeli chemical weapons and overthrow Syria’s semi-legitimate Assad government - then install a pro-Western stooge ready to obey the Rothshite crime syndicate’s bidding and get the Mid-East map redrawn in the Zionist Protocols image.

Plus there’ll be a hi-tech graphics presentation from Queen Brenda’s dog-wanker of a geriatric consort, the incontinent Prince Stavros of Edinburgh - who’s scheduled to do his reincarnation party trick and morph into the super-pestilent Virus Man – wiping out 90% of the world’s useless eating common herd with a single gust of his garlic kebab halitosis breath.

Old Stavros’s antics besides, the Queen’s high octane speech will bear a message that reflects on the Libservative Coalition’s concept of a Big Society and ‘Hoodie Hugging’ – and this year encompasses the theme of ‘togetherness’ – aimed not only at those hapless members of the national community that’ll be spending their Christmas starving or dehydrating to death in some shithole of an National Ill-Health Service Trust hospital – but now the scandal’s common knowledge, also the poor sprogs that will be getting groped and bummed by Tory Party cabinet ministers and the Beeb’s celebrity DJs in some pathetic social services excuse for a ‘children’s care home’ up in sheep shagging North Wales or Jersey – or Nonceland’s kiddie fiddling capital of Aberdeen.

Nor will Brenda be forgetting those locked behind bars (four to a cell) in one of ‘Her Majesty’s’ not-fit-for-purpose PFI-run prisons - or members of the gay community who were so recently chomping at the bit with an ecstatic enthusiasm, ready to walk hand in hand up the aisle and get hitched in the eyes of God– until the rotten bastard Church of England Bishops put their foot down with a firm hand and quoted passages from the Old Testament’s Book of Leviticus that condemns such ‘beast with two backs’ unions as an abomination and refused to extend the rites of holy matrimony to rug-munchers and fudging sodomites.

Doubtless ‘Queen Granny’ will be surrounded by the rest of her scrounging, parasitic clan of inbred bat-eared, slack-jawed mutants – and have a special word for her ginger mingin royal cuckoo of a grandson Prince Harry Hewitt, who this week made a name for himself in the annals of neo-imperialist aggression by being responsible for the murder of ranking Taliban leader Mohammed al Ka-Boom, commander of the Shaheed Semtex Vest Brigade in the Afghan patriot-infested Bellend Province – whom the royal ranga ‘Big H’ took out during a routine ‘troops in contact’ exercise with a barrage of Shitstreak missiles and .30mm cannon fire from his Apache gunship.

Not wishing to be outdone by an old blue-blooded reptilian biddy like Brenda, Tory leader Posh Dave Scameron - aka ‘the Grinch who fucked up Xmas with the welfare benefit cuts’ – decided to impress all the grownups and broadcast a traditional 2D season’s greetings message speech of his own outside Number Ten.
Here he resorted to quoting decaffeinated Biblical passages to a flock of bored paparazzi like some latter day tub-thumper – with New Testament verses aimed at paying tribute to Britain's armed forces and emergency services – and too making mention of our Team GB Olympics athletes and the Gimps with Limps who strived so hard in the Paralympics Hop, Step and Run event that won Britain a genuine, limited edition Pound Stretcher tea service.

Going into maudlin mode, ‘Flashman' confessed to being a sort of ‘half-arsed’ Christian – who became full of doubts on theological issues and same sex marriage due the dormitory gang rape traumas experienced during his public school years at Eton - plus getting repeatedly buggered by the arse bandit of a Chaplain, Rev ‘KY’ McFudger – but encouraged those members of society who did believe in a ‘higher power’ than the Libservative Coalition government to follow their own comfort zone delusions.

"The Gospel of St John tells us that this bloke Jesus was the light of all mankind, and that he came with grace, truth and love – which is more than we can say for Ed Millipede and his New Labour Party - and that Jesus was the Prince of Peace, but the ultra-orthodox Jews of the Sanhedrin declared him to be an oick and forced Pilate’s hand so the Romans crucified the Messiah for them. Typical of what these sodding Israelis still do today with their proxy stooges, I suppose.”

“Okay, I don’t want anyone to take that the wrong way as it wasn’t meant as some off-the-cuff anti-Semitic remark – so don’t start on how the Boycotts, Divestment and Sanctions campaign is kosher - as it isn’t. The problems over in Israel are the fault of the Palestinians for settling there in the first place as that’s the Promised Land, a present from Jehovah to his Chosen People – long before this Mohammad chap came along and started the Islamic religion.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Monday 24 December 2012

Met Plod Squad Ordered: Be Nice

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Independent Police Coverups Commission watchdog has urged the UK’s national Plod Squad to reduce the use of excessive force following complaints from scores of victims hospitalised and crippled after receiving a taste of the gratuitous violence dished out willy-nilly by the homicidal maniac Riot Unit officers assigned to the Met’s Territorial Support Group’s knuckle-draggers division.

The IPCC report claims public confidence will be further damaged and reduced to minus zero percent unless the psycho-infested TSG put a stop to the culture of oppressive conduct and racist behaviour, and improve the manner in which they conduct their ethnic-biased impromptu ‘stop and strip search’ operations in the middle of the High Street.

Emphasis was made on the need to rein in the clinically insane elements of the TSG to prevent them going berserk when dealing with breaches of the Public Order Act situations – such as the recent appalling incident where several Bolshie members of the Smegmadale-on-Sea Townswomen’s Guild were clubbed to death while waving ‘No to Mutant Meals’ and ‘Frankenfoods Fuck Up DNA’ banners and protesting on the edge of a field hosting one of Monsanto’s experimental toxic GMO insta-tumour crops – and refused to disperse.

A review was begun by the IPCC into complaints and conduct cases filed against the not-fit-for-purpose TSG between 2008 and 2012 - not only by the victims of their excessive use of force but also paramedics, hospital staff, funeral directors and coroner’s courts whose systems were being overloaded with the injured, maimed - and corpses - every time a group of the common herd got a cob on with the Libservative Coalition government’s latest ‘hack n burn’ austerity measures and gathered to protest against G20 fiscal policies or student tuition fee hikes or welfare benefit cuts - or Posh Dave Scameron’s refusal to honour his ‘forked tongue’ pledge to grant the proletariat an ‘in or out’ vote referendum on continued membership of the fascist EUSSR community.

The Met’ fields a current compliment of 793 Territorial Support Group rough trade Philistines in and around the capital to deal with public order issues and terrorism - plus crimes involving Brazilian electricians out to impersonate Muslim suicide bombers – or the likes of Jody McIntyre, demonstrating against government initiatives while drunk in charge of a wheelchair.

One controversial incident in which the offending officer was cleared of all disciplinary charges - thanks to the contradictions, lies and inconsistencies in TSA narratives - involved the Neanderthal Sgt Delboy Stinkie bringing his wife-beating habits to work and thumping a defenceless Nicola Fisher in the face in a definite breach of Plod Squad anger management policy – using the excuse she was in possession of an orange juice carton that he mistook for an AK47 assault rifle which caused ‘fear and alarm’ – hence his pugilistic reaction with fists and a telescopic steel baton was simply an act of self-defence.

The IPCC report indicates there had been a sustained decline in complaints concerning the use of excessive force and gratuitous violence against TSG officers since 2009 – mainly due the fact most of the victims were brain damaged – or deceased - and in no state to register a grievance.

Here parallels were drawn with the case of defenceless newspaper vendor Ian Tomlinson, an innocent passer-by who inadvertently came within hailing distance of the site of the 2009 G20 protests in London and was hit with a baton from behind and shoved violently to the ground by a craven PC Simon Harwood - who apparently got off on bullying defenceless members of the public – especially while his i/d was removed and enjoying the air of anonymity provided by a balaclava and riot gear helmet.

Due drawing a jury unable to differentiate between shit and shinola at his trial, the smarmy Harwood was acquitted of the hapless Tomlinson’s manslaughter (read ‘murder’) but had his name entered into the Naughty Book after being found guilty of breaching standards by a Metropolitan Police disciplinary panel and is now allegedly employed by one of the G4S or Serco Renta-Thug security agencies.

Thought for the day. Our national Plod Squad – the type of pricks who could fuck up a perfectly good anvil – amount to no more than an actual ‘uniformed’ prime example of Mother Nature’s failed experiment with intelligence-equipped bipeds.
These enforcers of the political elite and the rich and shameless need to be reminded to be nice to people as it’s the common herd that pay their wages.
Ha – some chance of that happening before Hell freezes over.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Sunday 23 December 2012

Big Brother Bully Targets Unemployed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mayan ‘End of the World’ prophecies notwithstanding, from the beginning of January 2013, Broken Britain’s unemployed will be mandated to search for work through the Nanny State Libservative Coalition's new Universal Jobmatch website - or potentially risk losing their paltry benefits, driving them ever closer to a life of crime to support themselves by shoplifting - or selling daily ‘downloads’ of semen to IVF clinics until their nuts start rattling.

The not-fit-for-purpose, user-unfriendly ‘Jobshite’, currently blighted with a greater number of software glitches per square inch than Mr Gay Pride 2012 received in St Valentine cards from fudging admirers – is intended to scan the CVs of unemployed benefit claimants and automatically match them up with job openings that suit their skills – and / or the lack of such.
If one is gullible enough to swallow the fairy tale being fielded by the DWP, the glitch-ridden system has been designed (sic) and cobbled together with the facility to allow employers to search for new workers among the database listed unemployed and send messages inviting them to interviews. (Yeah right: Your cheque’s in the post / Black is beautiful / I won’t come in your mouth).

Conversely the activities of benefit claimants can also be tracked using devices known as ‘cookies’ – which bear no relation to ‘biscuits’ - so the arse-polishing DWP ‘jobsworth’ bureaucrats can play ‘I-Spy’ and check on how many searches their hapless victims have been doing – then suggest potential vacancies or view the individual access logs to determine whether they’re turning down viable employment opportunities so they can stay home and watch re-runs of Coronation Street on Sky’s Moron Channel.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith (formerly Shadow Minister for Firewood Affairs) speaking to gutter press hacks following an appearance on BBC Two’s ever-popular primetime Eggheads programme, opined that the scheme would ‘Revolutionise’ the process of looking for work – especially so when the UK’s piss poor excuse for a government get round to re-industrialising Broken Britain – or at least providing some clear cut incentives that might serve to encourage reluctant employers to create workplace ‘vacancies’ - and not just continue designing Big Brother schemes to penalise job hunters branded as delinquent as they weren’t born with a silver spoon in their gobs nor attended public school or belonged to Oxford’s Bullingdon Dining Club – and lack the Masonic connections to run for Parliament as an MP.

The ‘I-Spy’ tracking element of the Jobshite programme will not be compulsory as monitoring people's behaviour online without their consent is not permitted under EUSSR law. (Er, can someone please explain that one to the Plod Squad’s eavesdropping department – along with MI5 and GCHQ at Menwith Hill and Cheltenham viz the likes of Carnivore, Silkworm and Echelon / P415).

However job ‘advisers’ are able to impose sanctions such as compulsory work experience placements at the local sewerage farm as a ‘Trainee Shit Stirrer’ or sentence claimants to six weeks of unpaid ‘shelf stacking’ at Pound Stretcher - and ultimately cut benefit payments if they feel the hapless unemployed are not searching hard enough for jobs that are as rare as hen’s teeth and rocking horse shit.

In his questionable wisdom, Duncan Smith claims: “If a person chooses not to take a job the website’s computer system has selected for them – such as Senior Technician at the Smegmadale-on-Sea nuclear power station - then the adviser will look at their reasons, and if they conclude “actually the fact the guy was previously employed as a Bus Driver is a pretty specious excuse for not accepting the offered post” - the claimant will be summoned and given the Catch 22 option terms: “No more excuses – accept the job and pick up the basic skills as you go – otherwise your benefit payments stop.”

Now for the funny demographic statistics. An approximate number of 690,000 unemployed jobseekers have signed up to the Universal Jobmatch website so far, with some 50% being coerced into allowing advisers to access to their profile, CV and search activities – and correspondingly signed up 370,000 employers – with the unemployed conducting about five million searches a day for jobs that do not exist – unless one has an NVQ 10 Diploma in Advanced Neurosurgery.

DWP Minister Duncan Smith further confirmed his department is contemplating further Kafkaesue Big Brother measures such as the introduction of welfare cards that could only be used to purchase such lifeline necessities as bags of crisps, rolling tobacco and bottles of B & Q’s vintage meths to prevent claimants blowing their benefit payments on Sky Sports subscriptions.

Alas, no matter what kind of a high-tech website they front, if there are no fucking jobs then it’s all a waste of time and space. The unemployed – just the latest to fall victim to our oppressive ‘cradle to the grave’ / ‘womb to tomb’ Nanny State government and this mess of an economic Debtocracy.
Unemployed or underemployed – not much difference when it comes to being systematically denied the ability to achieve the simplest of life’s aspirations. But that’s what the Plan’s all about - the price of social Darwinism: the dissolution of the family unit, and secular humanism.

To wit, their flawed rhetoric defeats any possibility of getting the moronic jobsworth twats to accept the logical view – that if there are no jobs then one has as much chance of being gainfully employed as winning the Euro lotto - but trying to get these tossers to accept this piece of stark reality is like trying to teach a tortoise to play ‘fetch!’

Although in this high tech’ age we latter day Luddites have unfortunately found ourselves stuck in, why not simply sign up the NEETs to ‘virtual jobs’ as they’re already receiving virtually fuck all in welfare benefits?

Stop press / drop the dead donkey: In line with the recent findings and recommendations of the Leveson report the Skewed News Views author apologises to Smegmadale-on-Sea residents living close to the nuclear power plant for any instances of ‘fear and alarm’ caused.

The example given was more at metaphoric than definite and there is no possibility that the DWP or Jobcentre Plus staff or the Jobmatch website software would recommend an unemployed ‘Bus Driver’ for the position of ‘Senior Technician’ overseeing the daily running and maintenance of a nuclear reactor.
However, this disclaimer does not apply to the Monster recruitment agency interviewing officer who might be more interested in achieving a ‘placement’ quota and topping up his performance bonus for the month – and as the individual doesn’t live within 50 miles - or downwind of - Smegmadale-on-Sea – they couldn’t give a flying fuck if the entire nuke plant went China Syndrome critical and exploded in a radioactive-rich multi-megaton fireball.

Thought for the day. Here we have yet another nasty instance of Orwellian ‘panopticon surveillance’ strategy being innocuously slotted into place and foisted on the common herd. If the data exists then some fucker and their dog will ‘data-mine’ it. So fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Saturday 22 December 2012

End of Days: An Apocaloptomist Bummer

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Mayan civilisation’s Long Count calendar which began 5,125 years ago, on the 21st June, 3113 BC (a Wednesday / half-day closing in Guatemala) and ended yesterday, December 21, 2012 at 12:00 noon sharp GMT – with zillions of the more gullible elements of the global common herd’s 99% saying “fuck work”, staying at home, tuning off the gas and electric, giving Charlie the Budgie his long-sought freedom and sticking their heads between their knees – then kissing their proverbial arses goodbye.

So, we ask, what the fuck went wrong with the prophesised End of Days? Not quite the cataclysmic series of events every fucker and their dog around the Third World were expecting (and secretly hoping for) – that if they were going to get it in the neck yet again, the opulent Western nations – and Australia – those self-promoting pinnacles of moral, Christian civilisation - copped their fair share of the rough end of things for a change too.

Then it turns out this auspicious date delivers zero in the way of Tribulation (apart from another dowry of rain, a flooded living room – and a final demand for council tax) – and even more disappointing, no ecstatic metaphysical transmigration of the soul or ‘uplifting’ Rapture (Heavenly host Archangels or UFOs) or Second Coming of the Messiah.

Hmmm, so much for the forecast Busby Berkeley end of the world spectacular extravaganza with associated kitsch trappings. Flaming KT Boundary Event type asteroids, gut-shuddering earthquakes, volcanoes vomiting pyroclastic nasties – and mile-high tsunamis tear-arsing across entire continents – sweeping away all traces of civilisation (sic) – along with housing estates full of over-priced properties and their ubiquitous flat screen 48 inch TVs - and legions of shiny-arsed local authority bureaucratic jobsworths – and the hordes of Jolly Jihadi Islamic terrorists we’ve all been brainwashed to live in fear of – plus the insolvent Great Satan and their homicidal New World Order neo-cons – and the bully boy ZioNazi Israelis – aka God’s Chosen People.

Ah well, c’est la vie – misconstrued prophecies besides, nary a sign of an ominous comet or the return of Nibiru / Planet X. Not a single bankster screaming ‘sorry’ and burning in a lake of fire along with his usurious pondscum mates that saddled us with this prevailing state of Debtocracy – or the tosspot politicians who allowed them rein to commit such felonies.
So it looks like ‘same as’ for another few years until the solar ‘Killshot’ hits us – unless Santa’s going to drop a stocking-full of Nirvana down the chimney on Xmas Eve.

One press hack from the Doomsday Gazette was out on the streets of the UK’s Metropolis on Friday evening and spoke to stunned pedestrians ambling aimlessly around with vacant stares, obviously gob-smacked by the fact the predicted Armageddon hadn’t materialised and it was time to face their old uncompromising sparring partner ‘Reality’ once again.

Feral Beryl McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three from Slutborough Hamlets, sporting a bottle blonde Croydon facelift hair-do, confided her personal impression of the Mesoamerican ‘non event’ Apocalypse.
“I woz up at the crack of dawn, getting’ meself ready fer ‘you know what’ - an’ went down ter the beauty salon an’ blew a £60 nicker on getting’ a proper hot wax Brazilian bikini line job done on me snatch an’ arse just in case some smart lookin’ chav Archangel took a fancy ter havin’ it off wiv me with we woz gettin’ Rhapsodied.”

“Well, lunchtime’s come an’ gone an’ so fuckin’ much fer us all morphin’ inter some Empyrean state of fourth dimensional electro-magnetic nano-particle hypre-space reality – but that’s one of the effin’ problems wiv pseudo-science an’ gettin’ steeped in superstition – yer end up wiv bullshit scenarios like that global warmin’ scam.”
“Fer fuck’s sake yer can’t rely on anybody these days. Wisdom of the ancients, my arse - what an effin’ let down an’ utter no-show cos I’m never gonna trust another Mayan end of days prophecy as this has really screwed Christmas up fer me.”

“After the local vet’ refused ter euthanize the kids, called me a friggin’ moron an’ told me ter eff’ off, I took ‘em down ter the Harold Shipman Centre fer Clinical Excellence this mornin’ an’ asked me mate wot’s a nurse ter put ‘em all on the Liverpool Care Pathway ter make the end of the world as painless as possible fer the little loves – an’ she give me £500 quid in cash fer signin’ this form wot sez the hospital could have their internal organs fer the black market transplant trade. So bollocks, I’m off down ter get one of them whopping big Christmas hampers from Pound Stretcher fer me and me feller.”

Word of the week: Apocaloptomist - some barmy twat who knows it’s all going to shit but still believes things will turn out okay.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Friday 21 December 2012

Cellulite Eric Slams Local Gov’ Tossers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Tory Party’s Secretary for Communities and Local Government, Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles, (formerly Shadow Minister for Jaffa Cake Affairs) went into dummy spitting mode earlier this week and informed one press hack from the Spendthrifts Gazette that town halls should stop wasting barrow loads of taxpayers’ money on expensive training courses run by the likes of Julia Middleton’s neo-fascist Common Purpose social engineering group.

The triple-chinned Pickles called on councils to spend less time further embellishing their already gold-plated pension pots and organising expensive junkets for numpty aldermen and junior support staff to go off on Common Purpose leadership seminars which could cost up to £10,000 quid per week.

“These local authority bigwigs need to start reviewing how they’re wasting public money and get the gulley sucker contractors off their idle arses and cleaning out the gutter drains before every bugger’s front room gets flooded again with this imminent ‘Wet Christmas’ dowry of parmy that the Met have so kindly forecast for us - and at the same time hoof their Highways Department scallies out of their nice warm sheds and set the Tarmite hot patch teams to work on filling in the potholes that are spreading up and down our roads faster than chicken pox blisters on a diabetic leper’s bum.”

The bloated Pickles’ advice to solve bloated local authority staffing and get shut of legions of shiny-arsed jobsworths is included in a newly-published HMSO booklet – ‘Fat Eric’s Food for Thought’ - on how to make deeper budget cuts and savings without affecting public services – or voting for UKIP at the next election.

Other money-saving ideas in the porcine Minister's handbook of 'Fifty Thrifty' measures that would make even Scrooge cringe include spending less on translating official documents – such as council tax demands and court summonses for non-payment of the same - into Cyrillic, Sanskrit and Arabic alphabet scripts - and all manner of Pikey and assorted immigrant dialects and a swathe of other foreign languages – including Welsh – plus putting an end to the fielding of intrusive questionnaires to residents concerning their sexual orientation, bowel movement habits and religions of choice – and where to report any suspicious terrorist type of activities by their Muslim neighbours.

During a walkabout round his Bentwood constituency on Tuesday, Pickles opined to the media that “Every fucker and their dog in the public sector needs to do their bit to pay off this zillion quid budget deficit that the frigging New Labour Party saddled the country with due having a succession of moronic Scots in charge of the Treasury - first that useless nonce git Broon, then his albino mate Alistair Darling."

“Hence local councils need to focus on cutting waste and making sensible savings to protect frontline services and keep council tax down - before the stony broke proletariat go apeshit and throw a wobbler - and start a sodding revolution with the tumbrels set to roll again.”

“That’s why I’m pushing the buggers to cut the crap with these old boy networking scams such as sending staff off to Common Purpose to get their stupid heads filled with the United Nation’s Agenda 21 policies on how to keep the common herd down and implement the Rockefellers’ Georgia Guidestones selective breeding eugenics programmes - so disabled persons and dysfunctional, unemployed families are stopped from breeding any more shit-for-brains useless eater kids.”
“Common Purpose has been pushing this type of social engineering crap with local authorities since 2000 – and now they’re heavily into promoting the Liverpool Care Pathway as well – which to my mind is a euphemism for assisted suicide – and as some claim – extra-judicial murder.”

Last month the Daily Shitraker ran a front page expose revealing that Common Purpose agents provocateurs had slithered their way into the Leveson inquiry with three totalitarian-minded tosspots - including Sir David Ding-Dong – with the sole intent of promoting their own media / information flow control policies.

Canny scumbag watchers might recall that Ding-Dong was one of the trustees of the not-fit-for-purpose Bureau of Investigative Journalism which expedited the botched inquiry into child sexual abuse at the Bryn Estyn Welsh care home which led to the cyberspace naming of the Swiss-Irish breakfast cereal tycoon, Lord Alfie McAlpen as one of the major kiddie fiddlers addicted to playing with little boys bums.

Responding to Pickles’ statements, Fellattia van der Gamm of the TaxPayers’ Alliance opined that “Being a BNP supporter meself I think Eric Pickles is just a big dollop of cellulite on two legs like an effin’ Teletubbie – an’ about two steps away from a fatal heart attack or stroke – or both. However, wot he sez might just wake councillors up ter the fact they’ve got the job ter represent community residents rather than forge personal careers as money-grubbing twats out fer themselves an’ fuck everyone else.”
“Wot I did like woz when he announced that henceforth senior staff pay will be cut, recruitment of further arse-polishing jobsworths frozen, first-class travel banned, an’ spendin’ on outside consultants cut back ter sweet fuck all – an’ ter really put the effin’ boot in, from 2014 all councillor’s taxpayer-funded pensions are ter be scrapped.”

Thought for the day. The Common Purpose neuro-linguistic programming / brainwashing group exists as a ‘for profit’ social engineering control mechanism entity and is not to be confused with Common Porpoise – a genuine charity serving the needs of distressed pelagic mammals.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

UK Hypocrites Seek Syrian Diplomatic Solution

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Broken Britain’s closet case Foreign Secretary Willy Vague joined with the government’s tosspot of a Defence Secretary Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond yesterday to announce that the Libservative Coalition is seeking a diplomatic solution to resolve the unrest in Syria – a piece of brazen hypocrisy considering the conflicting public knowledge of their continued participation with a cabal of Zionist-dominated Western states providing all-out support for the foreign ‘for-hire’ Jolly Jihad and Saracen Scally mercenary groups comprising the ranks of the so-called rebel Free Syrian Army.

When questioned on this duplicitous 180 degree ‘aggression to diplomacy’ volte-face, the Foreign Office’s chief dogsbody Dumfuk Naanbread informed a press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that Posh Dave Scameron was, in light of recent unfortunate events, inclined to condemn the terrorist attacks against civilians in Syria and wanted a political solution to the ongoing conflict - before it all went tits up and the ham-fisted, inept rebels loosed off a barrage of chemical agents - gassing not only themselves but also a legion of hapless civilians – and the blame could no longer be heaped on the shoulders of Basher Assad’s regime as planned – but would rather fall squarely on the Western military source who supplied the chemical weapons of mass distraction.

Naanbread added that Westminster has not severed its diplomatic relations with the Syrian government – for which Downing Street and the FO now thanked their lucky stars as a good thing considering the asymmetrical black propaganda the rebel groups were broadcasting against each other.
“There is too much factional in-fighting by these power-grubbing rebel cadres - all working to impose their own agendas – and unable to set aside petty rivalries over which tomcat might eventually get the cream.”

“Seriously, we’ve got a bevy of wannabee rebel groups springing up like weeds, and claiming to be the one true voice of the Syrian people – and none of them hold that mandate – but they’re all far too absorbed in Hegelian dialectics to know which way is up and who’s actually pulling the strings - that they’re fighting against each other and all seem to have forgotten that Basher al-Assad is – or was – supposed to be the common enemy.”

“Hence our efforts to offset the neo-imperialist aggressor label that’s been stuck on us and preserve what’s left of our shattered credibility with the Damascus regime – thus Downing Street dispatching President Assad a personalised touch Merry Christmas and Happy, Prosperous New Year card via an MI6 diplomatic pouch courier.”

This gob-smacker of an official Foreign Office revelation comes as conflicting reports claim the UK and Great Satan have organised training for entire battalions of Jolly Jihad and Saracen Scally muhijadeen fighters inside the safe confines of cross-border Jordan - in the use of light and heavy weapons, including sophisticated anti-aircraft batteries - and ground to air shoulder-fired Shitstreak missiles.

Several Western states, obeying their Rothshite crime syndicate masters instructions to the very letter, including France and the US, have recognized the so-called National Coalition of Syrian Revolutionary Puppets as the country’s legitimate political stooge government - without even a thought for Democratic process or the opinion of the hapless Syrian ‘electorate’ – who wouldn’t know what a ballot box was if one crashed through the roof of their house instead of the usual mortar rounds anyway.

So, the cat’s out of the bag – and the truth along with it - regardless of the brainwashing hype that Barky O’Barmy’s US administration is still ‘considering’ whether to provide military assistance, including logistical support and sophisticated weapons, to one or the other rebel factions – or all the Syrian militants.

Obama’s hype amounts to utter bullshit as if it wasn’t for the Yanks and Israelis funding and supplying these foreign mercenary faux ‘rebel groups’ with weapons via their Turkish, Qatari, Saudi, Iraqi and Jordanian pro-Western proxies, then Syria would be looking forward to a peaceful Christmas and the so-called rebels still firing catapults and not contemplating how to pull off a false flag festive season mass killing exercise with the VX or Sarin gas WMD ordnance they’ve been furnished.

Thought for the day. Fuck this diabolical Western NATO alliance and their New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Thursday 20 December 2012

Naked Chef Sued for Telling Naked Truth

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Jamie Oliver, the man who single-handedly embarrassed Broken Britain’s Department of Education into feeding school children healthy ‘5-a-day’ meals and not just deep fried fast food slop - then went on to name and shame Bernard Matthews & Co as the turkeys that produced ‘Toxic Twizzlers’ and didn’t give a flying fuck about kid’s diets where profits were concerned - is once again copping a barrage of flack – only this time around from across the pond and our cock-sucking American Cousins (sic) in the good ole US of A – for claiming their ‘pink slime’ beef looks and tastes like – er – pink slime.

The Naked Chef bashed the sci-fi alien substance on his US TV show ‘Jamie's Food Revolution’, in which gob-smacked Yank viewers still equipped with two brain cells to rub together were outraged when informed that popular factory processed fast foods such as their main daily staple ‘burgers’ were made from what British housewives traditionally refer to as ‘scrag-end’.

This is the waste sections of a butchered animal carcass fit only for feeding to cats - which in the good ole US of A is converted into the desired vomitous ‘finely textured’ pink slime state by heating to the Nth degree then spun at high speed in a centrifuge to separate the meat from the fat, before the final product is – believe it or not – ‘gassed into shape’ with blasts of ammonium hydroxide gas to kill off any bacteria.

Oh yes, you read that correctly - ammonium hydroxide gas – used to snuff traces of E. coli 0157:H7 (the one that makes you shit through the eye of a needle and leaves your arsehole looking – and feeling - like a burst red tulip) but which also carries the potency to wipe out colonies of ‘gastric friendly’ Lactoacillus casei, Helicobacter Pylori and D. radiodurans bacterial flora in the stomach that we need to maintain peak health.

So, ammonium hydroxide: available on all good supermarket shelves - contained in such domestic products as window cleaning fluid, carpet shampoo and furniture polish – a chemical of extreme toxicity that, once ingested on a regular basis, accumulates in the organs of any living creature at cellular level and wreaks havoc not only on the metabolism but also human DNA.

But that’s fuck all as the actual ‘lean n mean’ pink slime is then blended with no fewer than forty ingredients and unnecessary additives, which include water, rusk, wheat starch, three carcinogenic sweeteners - acesulfame potassium, sodium cyclamate and the controversial neurotoxin aspartame – along with lashings of hardened or hydrogenated vegetable oil ‘and’ colourings ‘and’ flavourings – and they still call it ‘beef’. Que? WTF?

Oliver is staunch opponent of all Monsanto & Co’s genetically-modified crops (GMO’s) along with hormone-boosted / antibiotic-ridden dairy and meat products which unfortunately constitute the basis for today’s ever-popular microwave-fresh insta-tumour bio-spew Mutant Meals and Frankenfoods.

Speaking to a press hack from the Salmonella Gazette, Jamie – never one to mince words - summed up his damning diatribe of dissing the ‘slime burgers’ with: “So there you go – the cost to human health of eating convenience foods - Soylent Pink for the 21st Century – and personally I wouldn’t feed the crap to next door’s dog – or me mother-in-law – and I can’t stand either of the fuckers. Really, I kid you not, I’d sooner slug back a spittoon full of sputum off the floor of a Mexican whore house bar than eat a plateful of that shit.”

As to the pending law suite, Billy Bob McScrote, a disgruntled worker with a vindictive chip on his shoulder the size of a King Edward tater who was laid off by Mad Cow Meat Products - the main suppliers to the major Greedy Grocer supermarket chains: Wal-Mart, Pestco, Mammon & Snobfords, Pukesburys and Shiteland along with the US’s major Chew n Spew fast food franchise which plays host to the ever-popular Cilla’s Chunderama, Biffo’s Barf Burgers, Pukerella’s Pizza and Pol Pot Insta-Noodles outlets – is in the process of suing the celebrity chef – (along with food blogger Chlamydia Mingerot and ABC News) – for $70,000 bucks.

McScrote claims their collective publicly broadcast derision and whistle-blowing condemnation of the Mad Cow Meat product - and use of the term ‘pink slime’ - caused their sales to plummet, with the closure of the North Dakota based Maggots End processing plant where he was employed as a Senior Slime Technician – resulting in the loss of his livelihood.

Thought for the day. Rumour holds that Oliver’s comments on the law suit are not fit for printing – however mention has been made of fielding the iconic Arkell vs Pressdram response to any legal action against him: specifically ‘Fuck off’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

PlebGate Conspiracy Embroils Met Plod Squad

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Number 10’s spokeswoman Scabby Bertin, allegations that a serving uniformed member of the graft and corruption-ridden Met’s Plod Squad who falsely claimed to have witnessed former Chief Whip Andrew ‘Coco Pops’ Mitchell, the Tory MP for Sluts & Coldfeet, calling police "a bunch of dog wankers” and “scumbag plebs" - then leaked the fabricated story to the Daily Shitraker gutter press tabloid for thirty pieces of silver – actions which have since resulted in his arrest and suspension from duty (sent home on gardening leave with full pay) - are being viewed by Tory Party legal beagles as, quote: ‘exceptionally serious’ – but a welcome stroke of ‘other foot’ scandal to distract the hapless proletariat from the fucked-up state of the British economy and their looming ‘Cratchit Christmas’.

The Met’ officer responsible for the asymmetric black propaganda hit, who cannot be identified for legal reasons (PC Frank McScrote of 69, Backstabber Terraces, Scumbag Hamlets, East London) posed as an anonymous member of the common herd who claimed to have witnessed the senseless squabble in which the obnoxious Mitchell attempted to pull rank and demanded Downing Street’s main gates be opened for him to ride his bike through as he was a VIP.
Then, taking refusal personally, he dissed the duty plods, referring to them as ‘morons’ and ‘knobheads’ who needed to learn their place in society’s pecking order and start cap-doffing and kowtowing to their Parliamentary betters who sported a Masonic Brotherhood compass and square badge on their jacket lapel.

The egoistic Mitchell, who was forced to resign from his government post over the PlebGate incident, then apologise to every fucker and their dog at Scotland Yard for his foul-mouthed tirade, denied the accusation that he referred to the duty plods as ‘knobheads’ but admitted he did suffer an ‘anger management’ lapse and swore at the officers for their lack of obeisance in the presence of one of the Libservative Coalition Cabinet’s High Panjandrums.

The Met’s head honcho, Commissioner Bernard Hulk-Hogan, informed the media that “A Diplomatic Protection Squad officer was arrested on Saturday as a result of our investigation into how the bloody hell national newspapers came to publish police records of the incident. Really, if it wasn’t bad enough to have Rupert Mudrock’s News Corporation being run by that ginger-mingin slut Rebekah Brooks and sanctioning her gang of career criminal reporters to hack into every sodding thing in search of a juicy bit scandal - we now have our own plods abusing positions of trust and concocting character assassination fairy tales then flogging them to the gutter press.”

“So to have this unsavoury matter resolved before we get accused of another frigging cover up, I’m assigning no less than thirty CID officers to the inquiry – and I don’t want to hear any sarcastic jibes about them falling over each other’s feet either – or some bugger’s going to be on point duty at the crossroads in Stanley – in the Falklands.”

Conversely, Ron Twattbury, chairman of the Metropolitan Police Federation, informed reporters “We unequivocally and categorically refutes this current wave of media speculation regarding sinister intrigues and a conspiracy by members of the Diplomatic Protection Squad to stitch up cabinet minister Andrew Mitchell, who they considered a rude twat in need of a lesson in come-uppance and humility.”

However, the House of Conmans Speaker’s troll of a missus, Sally ‘Tweetie Pie’ Bercow, gossiping to a gaggle of press hacks in Parliament’s Stranglers Bar on conditions of off-the-record anonymity, after several pints of Titsup Totty Tankard revealed she’d accidentally eavesdropped on a conversation that “The Tory Party high command in the Downing Street Fuhrer bunker are of an opinion all this was a plot by subversive elements of the Met’s DPS to unseat Mitchell for being such an obnoxious prick with an ego that exceeds his limited intellect.”

“What’s even more disturbing is the fact that Posh Dave Scameron and Nicky Clegg think New Labour’s Millipede Junior might be involved in the shit-stirring of petty rivalries and faction in-fighting just to smear their Coalition – and he and that mouthy git Ed Balls have been egging on the Met’s disgruntled DPS - those comprehensive school-educated oicks - to field this dirty tricks campaign to bring down the government as Georgie Osborne and Theresa May are intent on fulfilling their budget austerity drive by slashing their pay, perks and pensions - and making the Plod Squad’s deadwood redundant.”

Not wishing to miss out on an opportunity to get his photo taken and spout some irrelevant crap to the gutter press, London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense, spoke to reporters outside Common Purpose’s Islington HQ, where he’d been attending a social engineering leadership NLP refresher pep talk and learning how to tie ‘String Theory’ proponents in knots.

“These allegations that a serving police officer skulked so low as to pose as a member of the public and fabricated evidence to toxify the Conservative Party is a matter of criminal intent which will be investigated by the Independent Police Coverups Commission. Meanwhile I personally welcome Commissioner Bernard Hulk-Hogan's commitment to apply the tried and tested Spanish Inquisition style interrogation techniques – and start tightening the thumbscrews to extract a few confessions and get to the truth of the matter.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.