Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Obama Gets Hump Over Camels Bounty

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Somali-based ‘Al Kebab’ Islamic terrorist mujihadeen group yesterday posted a bounty offer on their “Insha’Allah you Shylock!” website following the latest of the Great Satan’s MQ-9 Reaper assassination drone strikes that fired three braces of Shitstreak missiles into the last remaining Achmed’s Barf Burger outlet in downtown Mogadishu, after mistaking the building for an orphanage.

The terrorist group's leader Mohammed al Ka-Boom, the FBI’s most-wanted man in the known Universe, sanctioned a reward of ten camels to the first Shaheed Semtex Brigade suicide bomber to take out “The traitor to his own Muslim brothers – that Indonesian Zionist stooge ‘Bandung Barry’ Soetero, aka Barky Obama – the first pseudo-Kenyan Negro / Hawaiian cuckoo to roost in the Oval Office and impersonate an American President”.

The Jolly Jihad linked muhijadeen also offered a reward for the decapitated wrinkle-infested head of the war-mongering US Secretary of Sleaze, Hilarious Rodent Clinton – albeit a mere 10 chickens and 10 roosters bounty due her virtual insignificance in the greater scheme of things to come following the US elections in November.

Assistant Secretary of State for African Neo-Colonialism, Billy Bob Redneck, met on Sunday with Somali President Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer and Prime Minister Bunghole Ali Jaffacake in a tool shed in the gardens of Government House in manky Mogadishu, a city fallen into a sad state of disrepair following decades of civil war and a double dose of the customary African ‘can’t be arsed’ apathy.

Here general utilities and council services crawl back from a non-existent state and the bright green wheelie bins - which hadn’t been emptied since the rebel Muslim General Chuckabutty Aideed chased out the foreign devil Yanks back in 1995, during Dodger Bill Clinton’s star-crossed clusterfuck of a presidency - have now been converted into Japanese style self-contained studio residences – ideal for first-time buyers and up and coming yuppie pirate types with lots of tax-free cash to launder and invest in the burgeoning Mogadishu property market.

President Fizzy al Kaseltzer informed one press hack from the Gullibility Review that the high-level emissary’s visit was further proof that Somalia's diplomatic ties with the US had improved to ‘most favoured nation’ status as the drone attack on Achmed’s Barf Burger had been the fifth such covert air strike in as many days on a pick and mix match of hospitals, weddings and funerals – and three more than competing Yemen had copped recently.

Secretary Redneck’s one-day visit comes just days after his Great Satan bosses in Washington posted a $33 million bucks bounty for information on the whereabouts of the Al Kebab militant group leaders - and anyone who might be related to Osama bin Laden.

The US is offering up to $7 million for Al-Kebab's operational leader Ahmed Abdi ibn Himar, with separate rewards of up to $5 million each offered for four of his top associates - Mukhtar Ras al Shitbag; Liwat Manuke Khara; Fuad Bala’a il A’air; Ibrahim Kess Emakk; Bashir Neekni al Sahrawi and Ghaban ibn Zamel.

Redneck informed media hacks that the group is responsible for the killing of millions of Somali civilians, UN peace activists, foreign journalists and Ukrainian au pair girls – and claims their activities pose a threat to the continued exploitation of the African continent by the grasping kikester commercial interests of the United States.

“We’re ready to impose sanctions on anyone standing in the way of the political process now being implemented here in Somalia that guarantees our supplies of oil, Coltan and conflict diamonds – and our God-given Manifest Destiny right to install Punch & Judy puppet governments and establish military bases to protect our commercial interests.”

"The approved swathe of strategies we’re ready to implement against spoilers and any other Bolshie fuckers with silly nationalistic ideas range from visa sanctions to travel restrictions - and actual ‘asset freezes’ – a rendition procedure that involves immersing the suspect’s bollocks in a bowl of liquid nitrogen.”

“Plus we’ll be continuing our Operation Kill Every Fucker drone strikes and raining a barrage of Shitstreak missiles down on every wedding and funeral that takes place on the off chance they might kill some hapless sod who has a cousin who knows a bloke that claims to be a mate of an Al Qaeda feyadeen or some Al Kebab muhijadeen terrorist scumbag.”

Thought for the day: The latest gossip hot off the Jolly Jihad Islamic terrorist HQ in London’s Greenwich Park claims that the Al Kebab freedom fighters have secured a Chinese-designed ‘teleprompter tracker’ to target Barky Obama’s location for their forthcoming suicide extravaganza assassination attempt on the Great Satan’s leaders.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Like the terrorist hideout location of Greenwich Park - right in the midst of the Olympic Games venue. That is cheeky.

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