Courts Slammed for Draconian Sentences

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Senior magistrates and judges have responded angrily and spit the dummy in a foot-stamping infantile tantrum over accusations voiced publicly by several prison governors – then blown out of all proportion by the red top gutter press tabloids - that they’re indulging in a delirium-driven, apoplectic frenzy when sentencing offenders found guilty of acts of riot, pillage and plunder associated with the recent civil disturbances in several of the UK’s major cities.

Prison Governors Association President, Irwin Bogbrush, told one reporter from the Totalitarians Gazette that the harsh custodial sentences simply appealed to a perverted ‘Hang ‘em High’ mentality and magistrates had opted for remand rather than bail for those referred to the Crown Court to have ‘tougher’ penalties meted out on their sorry arses.

Bogbrush criticised the assembly line situation where courts were working 24/7 shifts, sitting through the night and at weekends, to deal with the large numbers of scallies arrested by a hyper-drive Plod Squad making the best of the overtime opportunities while they lasted - with the standard sentence proclamation starting to sound like Alice in Wonderland’s clemency-challenged, insane Red Queen bawling “Off with their heads!”

However, Magistrates Association chairman Sir Hammon de Mattoid informed gutter press hacks that sentencing had followed the strict regime authorised by Downing Street, and bore Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron's personal seal of approval, and who had stated “Bollocks to my election campaign’s ‘Hug a Hoodie’ philosophy - these bloody oicks are going to suffer for making a right fuck-up of my holiday!”

Sir Hammon added “Really, our vulgarian Prime Minister is very annoyed over having to fly back from Butlins in Tuscany, and if we still had a farrago of criminal penalties as were available to us in the Middle Ages - such being racked, hung, drawn and quartered – then burned at the stake – this is what these scallies would be getting for their rebellious antics.”

Since the riots, the prison population has shot up by more than 1,000, and reached a record high for the third consecutive week last Friday, at 86,997 – a mere 3 scrotes short of its operational capacity of 87,000 – after which it’s ‘standing room only’.

In one perfect example of excessive punishment, over-zealous magistrates in Manchester jailed a 15-year old mother-of-three, Candida McSkanger, of the Stench Hill council housing estate, for five months for accepting a looted Man’ United polo shirt. A Crown Court judge, backed by a modicum of common sense and base logic, later freed McSkanger and ordered her to do 75 hours' unpaid community service work at the RSPCA’s ‘Meerkat Rescue Sanctuary’ instead.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.