Tuesday, 7 December 2010

NHS Resorts to Old Wives Diagnoses

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the BBC’s medical correspondent, Fergus Bogbrush, claims that researchers at the NHS Institute for Advance Guessology, working in conjunction with a coven of gypsy crones from the Old Wives Tale Diagnostic Centre at Smegmadale-on-Sea, have now determined that the length of a man's fingers can provide clues to his risk of developing prostate cancer.

The study, commissioned and funded by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, found men whose index finger was longer than their ring finger were significantly less likely to have their prostate gland turn into a malignant tumour the size of a donut and totally block their rear passage - to become a walking constipated catastrophe just waiting to erupt.

Researchers made the pointless discovery after comparing the hands of 1,500 prostate cancer patients with those of 3,000 healthy men – which coincides in the Useless Information Index with the unverified speculation that shorter ring fingers also indicates chances of early heart attacks, psoriasis, charmaid’s knee, and an ingrowing foreskin.

Conversely, Dr Bazzer Fuctifino, a consultant for Ox-Rat, the social watchdog charity, told the Scandalmongers Gazette “This is the biggest pile of scientific research bullshit the BBC have come out with since their last pile of bullshit over the global warming scam in November – when my back garden’s under three feet of effin’ snow.”
“I mean to say, who are these tosspots at the Institute for Advance Guessology? The only advantage of a longer index finger is that you can poke it up your own arse and check if you have an enlarged prostate gland – and don’t forget to wear latex gloves or wash your hands before you go back to nose-picking and nail-biting – or cooking dinner.”

In response to Dr Fuctifino’s condemnation, Candida Mingerot, the official spokeswoman for the Old Wives Tale Diagnostic Centre, and herself a practicing pikey sorceress, had this to say. “The length of yer fingers is fixed before yer get born cos of the effects of sex hormone levels in yer mother’s womb – wot’s testosterone fer blokes – plus wot astrological signs yer woz conceived under.”

And Dr Fuctifino’s reply to this? One of “Absolute bollocks. While it is a fact that falling testosterone levels in older men might well expose them to an increased risk of developing prostate cancer – and heart attacks, it has less to do with the length of their index fingers than the depression of testosterone hormone levels due the ingestion of mercury from foods and especially so vaccines."


“These are loaded with mercury as a preservative – which acts to ‘caponise’ males. Just take the lead singer from Queen as a perfect example – that Mercury bloke – the gay one with the tash who died of Fudgers Flu or whatever the euphemism for AIDS is these days.”
“Plus don’t forget what it does to birds – they turn into a bunch of poofters and ignore the females of their species in preference for other males - hence it’s little wonder why there’s an explosion of effeminate male ‘gayness’ in our society when all the vaccines we get pumped full of throughout our lives are loaded with mercury.”

Which is longer - your index or ring finger? Have you ever shoved your thumb up your own ass? Have you ever read a copy of Proctology for Dummies? How’s your prostate’s condition - the size of a baseball or a comfortable walnut snug fit? Did you turn into a raving turd-burglar after your last flu jab?

Though for the day: Why no NHS mention of the prominent middle finger – so handy for throwing people the bird – or working in conjunction with the index when presenting a classical two-fingered Harvey Smith salute to a bunch of equestrian shits.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy or squirrel shit – or even mercury.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

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