Sunday 31 October 2010

Council Tax Now ‘Venture Capital’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Whistleblowers working for Scum-Watch, the local council abuse sentinel charity, have exposed a scandal involving one London borough authority that set up a private company using public money and concocted heinous plans allowing it to devise a ‘nice little earner’ perk by splitting 25% of all profits between senior staff.

Under the numpty statutes of the wholly misguided and corrupt ‘Risk Capital’ provisions of the Local Government Act 2003, authorities are allowed to set up trading companies using surplus council tax funds – with the idea being that profits would be pumped back into front-line services for residents – an absolute and dire necessity since the Libservative coalition have slashed local authority subsidies in their recent scorched earth ‘Spending Review’.

The incriminating documents obtained by Scum-Watch’s ‘Snitch n Grassers Squad’ reveal that in 2007 the kleptomaniacs in charge at the Conservative-run Skidrow Hamlets Council set up ‘Tealeaf Trading’, a private company registered to its Town Hall address.

Research by journalists from the Daily Shitraker uncovered damning evidence that the Mayor and senior Aldermen have diverted council resources and manual labour personnel onto private landscape gardening contracts, installing conservatories and laying asphalt driveways for their cronies – plus conducted a felonious campaign of stealing cast iron manhole and drain covers from neighbouring Metropolitan boroughs to sell as scrap.

According to Frank Jobsworth, a waste recycling operative turned super-grass, who was press ganged into duties not included in his employment description - compost-making and bagging for Tealeaf Trading – his salary has continued to be paid by Skidrow Hamlets Council.

Threatened with exposure as the type of person who hangs around public toilets and grooms sheep out on the moors, Bazzer McScrote, the Council’s Director for Petty Embezzlement, admitted to a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that council employees seconded to work for Tealeaf Trading had their wages footed by the taxpayer. Further to this, the mayor and Chief Alderman had agreed to establish an incentive bonus scheme to divvy out 25% of profits to senior ranking council officials – as a generous reward for ‘innovation’.

Due the ludicrous logic that Tealeaf Trading is a private corporation and not a public body (even though wholly financed with public funds) Skidrow Hamlets Council is not, by law, liable to respond to Freedom of Information requests concerning its commercial trading records or financial turn-over.
Hence due this restrictive provision, rabid rumours are rampant that Tealeaf Trading neither owns nor leases any essential commercial paraphernalia or premises, with all personnel, office trappings, transport and plant equipment being sourced from council stocks and further billed to municipal accounts.

However, this is not the first time Westminster Council has faced criticism over financial mismanagement on a Conrad Black / Bernie Jackoff criminal scale. Last May there were calls for an inquiry after it emerged the dodgy ‘Scally Cash’ hedge fund, owned by council leader Alderman Frankie Fagin went bust, owing the authority almost £20,000 in unpaid business rates.
Alderman Fagin, a former gully-sucker’s mate, who had £350,000 of Skidrow Hamlet’s cash invested in several other dodgy sub-prime mortgage funds in Buenos Aries, Panama and Mexico City, has since refused to reimburse his own council for its losses.

Ms Beverly Titwank, campaign manager at the Taxpayers' Alliance pressure group, told one reporter from the Kleptomania Herald "It's effin’ scandalous that Tealeaf Tradin’ ‘ave established a facility ter divert profit away from services ter line the pockets of their own money-grubbin’ greedy bastard staff, wot’s already paid too effin’ much – an’ here’s me wiv a bleedin’ big pothole outside me driveway an’ these twats won’t fill it in cos of the Spendin’ Review budget cuts.”

Thought for the day: Misuse of public money as ‘venture capital’ for personal gain has got to come under the heading of ‘criminal offence’ – hasn’t it? Or, if not, then as Dicken’s Mr Bumble the Beadle once commented “The law is an ass.”
Hmmm, something stinks in Denmark, and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Saturday 30 October 2010

Maldives Wedding Vows Fubar

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Chief Winnebago Chuckabutty, the tribal leader of Scally Island, part of the South Crockashit Atoll group in the manky Maldives (previously named the Hostility Islands), has personally apologised to a married couple of British tourist visitors who came with the intention of splurging a few quid and renewing their wedding vows while vacationing around the Indian Ocean archipelago.

Chief Chuckabutty condemned the actions of roguish staff members at the 5-star Ripoff Reefs resort that mocked and insulted Jack and Nora Numpty, who hail from Moron Hamlets at Smegmadale-on-Sea, during their vows renewal ceremony.

The ceremony is part of an elaborate and expensive wedding package offered by the resort where guests stay in cabins on stilts in the turquoise sea and can piss in a dolphin’s ear - or crap on basking turtles - with Scally Island being part of a chain of islands centrally located among the Loadashit-Maldives-Chagrot archipelago – some 128 km south of Male International Airport.

Scally Island can be reached from Male by seaplane – a 35 minute flight – or by a fifteen hour windsurfer trip – or - for the real adventure vacationer – a three day swim through shark-infested pristine clear waters that afford the high risk tourist the chance of being attacked by a migrating polar bear – or to see their own leg getting bitten off by Jaws’ brother.

A video recording of the disgraceful nuptial vows event, taken by resort staff, which shows the happy couple blissfully unaware as their marriage is declared illegal, was posted on YouTube earlier this week and clocked up an excess of 750,000 hits in two days.
In the YouTube video, the couple are seen seated opposite a local Muslim dervish, Yodcocca Tadpole who explains the ceremony to them in his version of the English language before switching to the local Dhivehi dialect and commencing his derogatory piss-take – much to the raucous amusement of the inebriated resort employees.

The Rev Tadpole then kicks off by telling bizarre sexual jokes involving chickens before intonating in the style of prayers and unleashing a torrent of abuse and insults on the couple, stating “Your Christian marriage is a bag of shit. You are both infidels of the uncircumcised Western filth and the Great Satan. In my eyes you are both atheists who do not worship the one true God – Allah. You will never go to Paradise but burn in Hell.”

"You fornicate with poofters and lesbians and dogs – and will have flocks of spotty bastard honkey children with fucked up dentistry. You drink alcoholic piss and you eat dead pigs. You even fornicate with pigs and chickens and sheep – and catch all kinds of nasty sexual diseases.”

Following the ceremony, the couple are taken to plant a coconut tree together, and then encouraged to pee on the roots as a blessing of growth (reputedly a native custom) - during which act various lewd comments are clearly heard on the video’s soundtrack concerning Nora's hirsute snatch and dangling piss flaps - and the size of the Jack’s penis – or rather lack of it.

The first time the Numpty’s became aware they had been grossly insulted during their £820 quid ceremony was upon receiving an e-mail from friends pointing them to a Google post and the YouTube video clip, where the local Dhivehi language insults were translated to English via subtitles – which have since been graded as a Level 10-plus on the ‘International Disrespect’ scale.

An investigation conducted by local police has discovered that the offending dervish and the attending resort workers had been on a bender prior to the wedding vows renewal ceremony, downing litres of coconut liquor, chewing the narcotic betel nut and smoking ganja biftas – hence their totally fucked up state and gross impropriety towards foreign guests.

According to Police Chief Julius Jaffacake, the mad dervish, Yodcocca Tadpole has a history of such offences emanating from his radical Islamic views and hatred of Infidels - and whose name repeatedly appears in the local foul-mouthed gobshites register as a chronic Tourettes Syndrome sufferer.

Speaking to a reporter from the Blasphemers Gazette, Jack Numpty commented “Well, if we knew we was gonna get insulted like that we could have saved a few bob an’ gone ter Africa for one of them cheapo witch doctor voodoo curse type wedding vows renewals or stayed at effin’ home an’ got the local Druid shaman ter do it fer us at Halloween on Sunday.”
“It’s not really on, is it, getting’ severely dissed after payin that kind of cash out fer the ceremony. So fuck it, we’re goin’ back ter Torremolinos next year.”

Chief Chuckabutty told one reporter from the Scandalmongers Review that "The behaviour by the staff was absolutely disgraceful and I am disgusted by it. It has caused enormous damaged to our country's tourist industry and we are launching a full investigation into what the fuck went so terribly wrong.”

A Maldives tourism representative in London told hacks from the gutter press “Tourism will be drastically affected by this. It cannot be swept under the carpet – especially so as we don’t have any carpets – and very few rugs. In our Muslim-majority Maldives we are a nation of tiny coral islands that are in danger of sinking into the sea and so we rely heavily on tourism – and due this most unfortunate incident prospective Western holiday-makers now know what the local Muslim population think of them – and that does not auger well for business.”

Did you get married in the Maldives? Was the mullah / dervish nice and polite or did he call you both a pair of heathen twats? Should the Church of England adopt a similar approach and add more insults to the ceremony. Would you mind if the Vicar called your bride a gopher-toothed whore?

* Carbon Credits Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: The sea level in the Maldives remained unchanged while posting this message. However, as a large number of tourists have cancelled their planned desert island wedding vacations and opted for a Romanian gypsy nuptial ceremony instead, the weight of the resulting shit dropping on the place has caused them to sink several inches.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Friday 29 October 2010

UK Metropolis to Evict Paupers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Libservative coalition government ministers came in for a well-deserved shower of flack and verbal abuse last night when they were accused of deliberately driving marginalised members of the common herd out of the wealthier areas of the UK’s inner cities after London councils dropped a bombshell by revealing they were preparing for a mass exodus of low-income families from the Metropolis due the Chancellor of the Exchequer emasculating the nation’s welfare system and slashing housing benefit to the detriment of those unemployed members of British society – commonly known as ‘the poor’.

Representatives of London’s Skidrow Hamlets borough informed MPs at the House of Conmans that they have already block-booked railway arches and public toilets - and set up tents and waterproof cardboard box accommodations on every single canal bank and landfill site - and in alleyways - from Hastings, on the south coast, to Reading to the west, Canvey Island to the east, and Luton to the north – to house the hundreds of thousands who’ll be priced out of the London market and evicted from their homes the next time the rent comes due.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense cautioned Downing Street that he wouldn’t tolerate ‘Kosovo-style social cleansing on his watch – and further warned that if this plan goes ahead then 82,000 families – more than 200,000 people – face losing their homes because private landlords, enjoying a healthy rental market buoyed by arrogant yuppies who can’t afford to buy but have their leases covered as a tax-free corporate salary perk, will refuse to cut their rents to the level of caps imposed by Posh Dave Scameron’s government.

Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg was quick to react, telling hacks from the gutter press red top tabloids that he strongly disagreed with Bonkers Boris’s remarks and considered mention of social – or ethnic - cleansing as deeply offensive – especially so to Rwandan refugees from the Tutsi tribe – or Bosnian and Kosovan Muslims, on a difficult and sensitive issue – beheadings – and promised that was not going to happen to tenants facing eviction in his neighbourhood.

Meanwhile the totally-tonsured Business Secretary Vince Cobblers had to get his two-penneth in also and prove he’s good for something, accusing Bonkers Boris of ‘highly inflammatory’ language – by telling the truth – a most politically incorrect act.

This controversy follows in the crap-mired footsteps of the politically incorrect comments made last week by the arrogant Works and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Shitt, a man who thinks ‘Manual Labour’ is a Spaniard, and stated for the public record that the unemployed masses should "get their arses into gear and go and look for work – and stop begging off the government.”

Oh dear Iain, not very well informed are we. Hasn’t the cloth-eared twat heard there are no jobs going, that Parliament fucked up big time when his old boss Maggie Twatcher de-industrialised the UK back in the 1980’s and kicked the prefix ‘Great’ down the drain so that ‘Britain’ is now preceded by the word ‘Broken’.

Well, after decades of misrule by ‘Red Mole’ Harold Wilson, Edward ‘Piranha’ Heath, ‘Stoker Jim’ Callaghan, then Twatcher, Major, Bliar and Broon – and now Scameron and Clogg in coalition, no wonder the country’s fucked up like a soup sandwich and in a recession that’s more at ‘depression’ and looks set to last forever – if not longer.

In a sign that housing benefit cuts are becoming the most sensitive political issue for the coalition – a veritable ‘weapon of mass distraction’, Jack McCrudd, the Labour MP for Old Scrotum, last night accused the Scameron & Clogg coalition leadership of deliberate social engineering.

"Let’s call this scenario for what it really is: an exercise in social and economic cleansing. Bonkers Boris got it spot on cos’ entire families will be thrown into turmoil, with children having to move school and the unemployed and those working less than 16 hours a week commuting hundreds of miles to sign on at their Jobcentre. Watch this space, mothers will be killing their own babies – just like tigers do. Cannibalism will become rife and endemic.”

“This nasty bit of social engineering is tantamount to eradicating unemployed paupers from the wealthier inner city areas. Not only have the working class now been re-branded as the ‘Unemployed Class’ but this government is out to decimate the ranks of the middle class too – have them down there with the poor – pariahs together in misery.”

“Mark my words, the middle class were created as a buffer between the Second and Third Estates after the French and Russian revolutions. So, who will be their target when their kid’s bellies are empty? - the rich and shameless – and the government who bestowed this tragedy upon them all. Messrs Scameron and Clogg are going to be about as popular as chemotherapy. Just wait until the Winter Fuel Allowance gets the chop too – then the pensioners will be up in arms – and getting flash frozen in their beds when the global cooling phenomenon kicks in again with a vengeance next month.”

Conversely, if the money-grubbing landlords refuse to cut their rents to the level of caps imposed by the government – and if it’s legal for greedy twats to evict tenants as their housing benefit subsidy doesn’t cover the ante, then enact legislation to enforce them to accept the rent caps - or enforce compulsory purchase of their properties.

Hey, for fuck’s sake, we’re already more than halfway there to being a fascist state, with the EUSSR running things from Brussels – so why no go the whole hog in one fell swoop and stop pissing around with all this problem-reaction-solution tip-toe approach crap.

Do you live in London? Were you receiving housing benefit? Have you been evicted for non-payment of rent yet? Do you know anyone with a vacant tree house? Ever thought of moving to Poland?
Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a year’s free accommodation in a stylish two-up / two-down cardboard box situated on the Isle of Dogs.

Though for the day: If this ‘housing benefit’ fiasco is Posh Dave Scameron's idea of “compassionate Conservatism”, then give us Stalin’s brand of Communism any day.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

French Snobs Diss Jap Crap Manga Art

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A posing French aristocrat who claims to be descended from the Bourbon monarchy is seeking a court order to stop a Japanese artist exhibiting his work at the Palace of Versailles.

Work by Twatisho Fukarami, who studied and honed his craft and skills at the prestigious Wallace & Gromet Institute for Contemporary Crap, and blends Japanese classical art with manga-style modernity, is planned to be exhibited until the Yuletide Santa Claus’ grotto is erected in the throne room in mid-December.

However the ridiculously arrogant 96-year old Prince Sixte-Henri de Bourbon- Godemiche believes Fukarami's brightly coloured work dishonours the memory of his bottom feeding parasitic ancestors - most of whom fortunately failed to survive the ‘1789 Terror’ of the French Revolution and were carted off to pay homage to Madame Guillotine in a shit-streaked tumbrel.

The prince and fellow ’traditionalist’ protesters from the Paris-based Society de le Faggot have had the raging audacity to declare that Fukarami’s work denatures the exquisite taste of French culture and their regard for beauty and sophistication – yet they have the bad taste to install that vulgarian goblin-featured Hobbit ‘Sarkozy’ as a President in the Elysee Palace.

Admittedly, Fukarami's work sits in striking contrast to the classical and pretentious vulgarism of Versailles, the palace built during the reign of Louis XVI, named 'Sun King III' due the countless hours he wasted at the local tanning parlour working on his bronzy along with Queen ‘Cake and Eat It’ Marie Antoinette – only to end up with his head missing due a total lack of political and diplomatic acumen.

Twatisho Fukarami has been dubbed "the Japanese equivalent of Andy Warthog" and has been exhibited and feted across the world – especially so for his work in Brazil and West African – bringing a touch of artistic colour and splendour to their endemic toxic landfill sites with his pink plastic versions of sculptor Anthony Gormless’ sentinel statues.

He describes the palace at Versailles as one of the greatest symbols of Western decadence – the embodiment of monarchical ostentatious excess and waste which perhaps was one of the greatest offending contributions to kick-starting the French Revolution.
“I mean, there you are in the 1780’s, on the outside of this magnificent gilded edifice, probably herding a few goats, covered in shit and working for a penance – a couple of sou’s a week. Now that’s got to inspire the anarchist radical in all of us to storm the Bastille and get heavily into a campaign of mass regicide.”

Fukarami's striking works at Versailles include an ensemble of hi-viz mustard and chrome wheelie bins resplendent with flashing strobe lights in the palace courtyard – only surpassed by a towering fibreglass and papier mâché phallic sculpture, originally titled ‘the Penis Erect’ and adorned with obscene socialist graffiti scribed by a gang of Banksie wannabee’s from a Marseille Tourettes clinic. However local wits have since renamed the priapic structure Mister Pointy.

This isn’t the first occasion that the whingeing Bourbon-Godemiche dynasty have resorted to litigation against what they class as vulgar art being exhibited in ‘their’ palace. A mere two years ago, Prince Sixte-Henri's nephew, the egocentric Prince Charles-Emmanuel de Bourbon-Godemiche, yet another hubristic aristocrat with an attitude problem, sought to ban a show by US sculptor Jeff Kuntts, but failed in the courts – much to his eternal dismay – and costs.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Thursday 28 October 2010

Drag Queen Hit by Transvestite Express

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A woman has been arrested on suspicion of murder after a man wearing ladies clothes was deliberately, and with malice aforethought, pushed under a tube train.
Officers from the British Transport Plod Squad were called to King's Cross-Dresser Station in central London on Monday evening to investigate confused reports that a woman, believed to be a man in drag, had been purposely shoved off the platform into the path of an oncoming tube train on the Pickled Willy Line.

The incident caused rush-hour chaos for thousands of commuters who buggered off en masse to city centre pubs in a fit of impatient disgust after the Pickled Willy line service was suspended while cleaning operatives fought off a pack of voracious starving rats to enable their team mates to round up a full set of body parts that had been splattered across the rail tracks, then hose down the remaining blood and gore.

Detective Superintendent Arthur Bogbrush, the British Transport Plod Squad’s senior investigating officer, informed one reporter from the Gender Blender Gazette "Several witnesses to the ‘pushing incident’ have come forward and luckily the station’s CCTV system was, unlike 7/7, working for a change and recorded this criminal act.”
“At first it was thought a woman had been deliberately shoved off the platform until our forensics team arrived at the scene and discovered the supposed female victim was wearing a set of false boobs, and had a pair of bollocks and a cock stashed under her skirt. Very kinky indeed.”

Police have since discovered that the victim, Mr Rupert ‘call me Marion’ Skank, was the general manager at a branch of Victoria’s Secret, the erotic lingerie store chain, on Grays Inn Road, Bloomsbury, and travelling home to his Middlesex address when he met with the unfortunate accident.

Within hours of the incident hitting the media airwaves, rampant rumours started to abound that the British Transport Plod Squad were seeking to interview a woman answering to the description of the notorious ‘Coventry Cat Binner’, Mary Bale, who it was believed might have been in London on one of her nefarious moggy assault missions and acted upon some inscrutable pathological sadistic impulse to commit homicidal mischief yet again.

However, BTP officers eventually identified a certain Ms Feryl Beryl McYobb, the 17-year old leader of the area’s disreputable ‘Slag Bag’ girlie gang, from the station’s CCTV footage as the perpetrator of the crime.

McYobb - who has past several past convictions for violence and was prosecuted by the RSPCA for strangling a pit bull terrier in Hyde Park last year - was arrested and taken into custody while smoking a bifta and downing Migrane Mixers and Old Headbanger lager chasers with her gang of Amazon cohorts in the beer garden of the Asbo Arms pub on Yardie Street,

Upon getting cuffed McYobb exclaimed “Hey, it woz only a bit of an effin’ joke. So what’s all the bleedin’ fuss about? He woz a ravin’ tranny poofter wiv no dress sense whatever. Just another faggot in a frock wot got squashed an’ it serves the twat right fer standin’ too close ter the edge of the platform.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Autumn Skewed News Views Roundup

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Stone Age door, curiously enough made of ‘stone’, which once kept the draught – and sabre-toothed nasties - out of a prehistoric Swiss cave, has been unearthed on the outskirts of Zurich.
The ‘fantastically preserved’ 5100-year-old door which archaeologist Fellattia van der Gamm estimates was fabricated and hung around the year 3063 BC, (second Wednesday in June) does bear signs of damage, which the archaeology team’s forensic anoraks and beardies believe was caused when it was once kicked in by Neanderthal bailiffs paying a visit to collect overdue rent.

The door, which is a Hobbit-sized 153 cm high and 88 cm wide, was among some of the amazing finds around a group of five dwellings on a prehistoric sink or swim housing estate believed to have existed at the site.

Ms van der Gamm added that the door was of a type of blue granite, quite possibly quarried in the next valley. “In its day it had been solid and elegant, and fitted with what appears to be a letter box and a boar’s tusk knocker – plus well-preserved hinges made from mammoth hide. I’ll bet the bailiff hurt his foot when he kicked this one open. Really, one could just close the eyes and imagine this settlement being Bedrock, and a Fred Flintstone character dressed in an animal skin, begging for time to pay his rent.”

Rumours that this might have been the actual residence of Otzi the Iceman, who was found frozen into a glacier at Hauslabjoch in the Alps after being evicted from his cave, remain unconfirmed.
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California Governor Arnold Squashanigger this week told the 60 Minutes news programme’s correspondent Dork Fuctifino that he would definitely run for the job of US president if the Constitution could be changed to allow foreign-born Americans to run for the White House.

Apparently Mr Fuctifino has kick started a storm of protests by informing Arnie the Terminator “Hey, no need for that, we’ve already got a Kenyan-born cuckoo squatting in the Oval office – Barky o’Barmy. Our Mr Hope n Change – the Teleprompter Man – our ‘nigger in the woodpile’. All ya need Arnie is a forged Hawaiian birth certificate and Wham! Bam! – the job’s done - you’re a born n bred Yank already. Say, it worked okay for O’Barmy and he’s a real mongrel – African-Indonesian with a touch of the honkey in him – an’ a Muslim to boot. Hell, if he can get into the White House, then anyone can!”
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The Millionaire Fair currently being staged in Moscow, is an annual celebrity event for jet-setting Russian plutocrats who have everything – and more money than fucking sense – including a greedy gene (but are still hanging out for that little bit more) – and held so they can display their utter lack of taste and penchant for ostentatious waste.

The International Millionaire Fair was organized in 2002 by the Mammon Media Group B. V., the publishing house which issues glossy magazines with velvet quilted, triple tinted, toilet tissue pages for the rich and famous to wipe their privileged lardy arses with.

The ‘Patron’ of this year’s fair in Moscow is Russian oligarch and international vulgarian Oleg Mobsaroubles - the zillionaire owner of Wankprom Oil - and the UK’s Third Division Smegmadale Dynamos soccer team - who sponsored the event to provide an opportunity for his Ukrainian ex-stripper girlfriend Takem Orloff to flaunt her new boob job and latest genital piercings – plus her Botox ‘blow me’ lips - and collection of priceless jewellery.

Also in with a visible presence was Michail Sackashit, the boss of Gulag Gas, accompanied by his personal harem of teenage Thai ladyboys, all of whom are reputed to be trained in the ancient Japanese art of Ninjitsu and jointly serve as his bodyguard.

Isaac Pisstoffovich, the ex-KGB colonel and current leader of the Solntsevskaya Bratva (Moscow Mafia) crime family turned up with Vladimir Barfsky, the zillionaire owner of Vladimir’s Chew n Spew fast food chain, which operates pigswill take-away outlets from Leningrad to Vladivostok.

While the Fair is open for everyone to enjoy, obviously with entrance tickets being priced at $1 million per piece, then very few peasants ever get to see how the ex-KGB oligarchs – aka ‘the other half’ – live.
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Due the UK Libservative coalition government’s scorched earth public spending cuts campaign recently emasculating the national budget, it will no longer be possible to support British troops in Afghanistan. However Professor Mortimer Higgs-Boson, the chief anorak at the Ministry of Defence’s Porton Down nasty weapons research establishment, has proposed one rather novel idea based on the concept of the old English rural scarecrow.

Prof. Higgs-Boson in his infinite wisdom – or total lack of it – has decreed that as the Taliban are a bunch of superstitious heathens then a spot of psychological warfare might just do the trick and keep them holed up in their caves until Westminster can afford more bullets and other warfare-necessary kit to rearm their troops.

As sculptor Anthony Gormless’ display of 100 life-sized iron statues dotted randomly across the expanse of the Crosby beach landscape has managed – unintentionally – to scare away all the scavenging Scouse scallies and assorted scrotes – plus the entire sea bird population within 20 miles, so too might such work with equal potency and effect on the manky Taliban.

Hence it is planned to commission Mr Gormless to knock up a few thousand of the same effigies to plant around Afghanistan’s rebel-infested Kandahar and Bellend Provinces in similar fashion to Crosby Beach – to create an awe- inspiring and strange sight, an Easter Island type of mystical effect, to frighten the living shit out of Big Al Qaeda and the Taliban Dan Gang - who can shoot at them with little resulting effect – apart from a series of resounding pings from the resulting ricochets.

Thought for the day: Do you believe the dire warning issued to NATO this week by ex-USSR Premier Gorbachev, concerning his own nightmare experiences with Afghanistan, reminding them it is the graveyard of empires – past and present – and advising to “Get the fuck outa there while ya still can!” will actually sink in – or is control of the largest opium crops on Earth simply just too much of a money-spinning carrot?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a life-sized set of replica Georgia Guidestones – complete with profane graffiti – plus a working 1/5 scale model of the Niagara Falls as the perfect water feature for your back garden.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: These articles were written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Wednesday 27 October 2010

Israeli Racist Rabbi Disses Goyim

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Speaking to a gathering of Jewish infidels at St Shylock’s Synagogue for Latter Day Kikesters, the Israeli Sephardic leader Rabbi Ovadia Yosef – a zealous fanatic devoted to the ridiculous ideology of Jewish supremacy, plus racial and religious segregation - in his Saturday Night Live numpty sermon, broadcast on the Nekesher Channel, committed the most politically-incorrect statement of the week by stating for the public record that non-Jews (that’s us – the Goyim) exist solely to serve the Jewish Master Race.
(Hmmm, ‘Master Race’ – now where have we heard that arrogantly obnoxious term before?)

In typical keeping with the ambitious criminal proclamations declared in the twenty-four chauvinist edicts scribed in that fictitious black propaganda forgery - the Protocols of the Elders of Zion (odd that everything contained therein has come true) - the 96-year old wrinkled racist scumbag, looking alike a cross between a refugee from Fraggle Rock and some moronic poofter dressed up as a Pearly King for an audition in Gilbert & Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance, arrogantly announced in his customary egocentric manner "Goyim were born only to serve us. Without that, they have no place in the world; only to serve the People of Israel – the Jewish race." (A statement that wholly ignores that ‘Jewish’ is a faith, a religious following, and ‘not’ a racial type. Ah well, one must remember we are dealing with fanatics here).

"Why are gentiles needed? Only to serve the agenda of our Greater Israel - our Zionist Manifest Destiny. They will work, they will plough, they will reap. We will sit like an Effendi and eat," the boastacious old bigot announced to bouts of raucous laughter and applause from the attending heathen Faginesque pond scum who still believe in such rubbish as their purported Yidster superiority.

These ‘ratsach’ usurpers of Palestine speak of this vaunted, yet fictitious, Jewish intelligence and propensity for the arts and higher culture, yet demonstrate nothing more in their business dealings of commerce than money-grubbing voraciousness – and in their despicable actions against the Palestinians than a tribe of Philistines - of ravaging barbarians who rip out fruit and olive trees and would plough salt into fertile lands. A bunch of genetically – and culturally – stunted mutants, alike the troglodyte Morlocks – devouring the Goyim, devoid of conscience, and of empathy and compassion.

Rabbi Yosef, the spiritual leader of the ‘Half-a-Cock Kedesher Party’ and a former chief Sephardi rabbi of Israel, added for good measure and further insult that the lives of non-Jews are only protected by Jehovah in order to prevent financial loss to their scumbag Hymie owners – akin to the collateral comparison as that of cattle croaking - or a donkey popping its clogs.

Conversely, one quite critical editorial in the Orla Guerin Gazette opined that “Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately classify the insane Rabbi Yosef. However it has been unanimously agreed by a conclave of Goyim that while the inbred Ashkenazi mongrel doesn’t qualify for a slot in the index of Linnaean taxonomy, the words ‘Mamzer’ or ‘Zayin’ evoke the required description.”

Yosef, a rabid ultra-Jabotinskyist who thrives on a diet of venomous hatred for Muslims in general and Palestinians in particular - alike Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman - and the Kadima Party opposition leader (and wanted war criminal) Tipsi Livid - besides being enamoured with the usual Yidster cultural obsessions of kosher sausages, money-grubbing usury and snipping off foreskins - and portraying themselves as the eternal victims, still believe their ludicrous interpretation of Talmudic and Old Testament myths prophesise their Manifest Destiny and the direction of present day belligerent U.S. Middle East policy – a campaign of Schadenfreude to create a Greater Israel.

What the fuck have these clowns been smoking or snorting you might well wonder. However they believe in the faulty logic that Jehovah has mystically ordained that they, his Chosen People, can steal Palestine from it’s rightful and historical owners – with the criminally corrupt contrivance and consent of the British, the US and the UN - then have since behaved alike barbaric tyrants when they marginalise and abuse them, subject them to siege and gross privations and a slow- cook methodical Holocaust campaign of genocide, after incarcerating the half the population behind the ‘Great Apartheid Wall of Israel’ – and turned Gaza into the biggest concentration camp on Earth.

Thought for the day: If Gentiles criticise the Kikesters for being money-grubbing Khazar pond scum – or question the right of the rogue state of Israel to exist atop the gravestone of the usurped nation of Palestine – or cast doubt on the veracity of the Holohoax, then they’re automatically accused of anti-Semitism. If a yarmulke-clad Shylock with a moral conscience criticises them, or Israel, then they’re a self-hating Jew. So, how about the rabid Rabbi Ovadia Yosef when his racist remarks target non-Jews? Can this be classified as anti-Goyimism?

Though for the day - part two: Never forget it was these same Sanhedrin rabbi arseholes that coerced Pontius Pilate into crucifying Jesus Christ.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Catch 22: Treaty of Lisbon up for Amendment

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Germany’s Chancellor, the manky Angela Merkel, and France’s hobgoblin midget President Nicknack Sarkozy, are jointly conspiring for major amendments to be made to the EUSSR’s Constitution – aka the Treaty of Lisbon (Treachery of Lisbon)– to impose legislation that will totally bankrupt every fucker and their dog in the 27 nation membership ‘circus without a tent’ commercial community in a bid to avoid further financial crises and meltdowns of the over-rated Euro.

In a paradoxical statement Merkel informed one reporter from the Insolvency Gazette that "We have to move forward because in 2013 the rescue funds for the euro will end, so we need a more lasting rescue mechanism ready and in place for when the next major financial snafu occurs – and this can only be achieved by ammending the current EUSSR Constitution.” (Treaty of Lisbon).

Hmmm, so much for the predicted commercial success of the 27 member union if we’re already looking at fiscal fubars of Biblical proportions yet to come that will drive us further into penury and a state of economic collapse than we are already.
Ah well and besides, what can we expect since a succession of our corrupt and treasonable governments have de-industrialised the country and in the process forcibly ripped the once-inspiring and proud prefix of ‘Great’ from its place preceding ‘Britain’ and replaced it with ‘Broken’ – and turned us into a ‘culture’ of producing nowt – apart from ‘financial instruments’ – all based on the doomed to fail criminal system of fractional reserve banking and galloping usury.
Conversely this might just be an opportune and fortunate Catch 22 situation for the British people.
The UK Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron is now on a sticky wicket. Having once, while in opposition, declared to anyone daft enough to listen to his disingenuous flannel, that if elected to power he’d hold a referendum on EUSSR membership. Then, after Eire voted ‘Yea’ (second referendum around) to membership after first voting ‘Nay’, the slippery Scameron creature performed a typical political pond scum turncoat trick and, applying lashings of faulty logic, then announced there was no point having a referendum in Britain as Eire has submitted to Brussels’ iron will.

However, the stupid twat did commit the ‘felo de se’ error of sticking his neck out far enough to risk declaring that if Brussels ever pushed for any amendments to be made to the so-called Treaty of Lisbon then he’d definitely call for a referendum.

Hark, cometh the hour, then cometh the man.

So, what’s it going to be Dave, when the British voters, comprised of legions of unemployed and homeless peasants, and egged on by union agitators, assorted anarchists and a cadre of hard-core nihilists, look at your Libservative coalition’s scorched earth public spending cuts and decades of misgovernment by the MP’s infesting the House of Conmans – and tell Brussels to stick their piece of shit EUSSR up their jacksy?

Will there be more treason afoot to bind our once green and pleasant lands, our sacred sceptred isle of Albion, to a Europe we are not a part of? Will you do the same as the Irish ‘Dáil Éireann’ and hold another referendum, and another, and another, until somehow the political mystics can augur a miraculous Yea vote out of it?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the EUSSR and the New World Order.

Tuesday 26 October 2010

Wickedleaks Spotlight Iraq War Crimes

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The shit has truly hit the proverbial fan concerning the ‘blood price’ revealed in the 391,832-odd documents just published online from a secret location out in the farthest galactic reaches of Cyberspace by the international human rights and wrongs watchdog Wickedleaks.

These contain damning revelations on the human toll of the illegal war in Iraq - and US involvement with trampling on the statutes of the Geneva Convention and committing Nuremberg class war crimes there during the 2003 invasion and seven year occupation (courtesy of arch-kikester Donald Bumsfeldt) - the publication of which will most certainly further add to the incumbent Iraqi government’s massive lack of credibility.

So too that of the remaining 50,000 US forces from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment - still hanging around like dogshit in the cleats of a trainer sole - and now a bunch of lard-arses become due eating junk food, smoking dope and burning their nostrils out on snort or chasing the dragon with cheap imported Afghan heroin.
50,000 human targets, all ready and in place for the grand slaughter of the Great Game – to end up as body bag fillers when the White House and Tel Aviv psycho’s kick start the land invasion of Iran.

Unfortunately for the US military and too White House administration, the burden of the Wickedleaks allegations cannot be ignored simply as they all bear the hallmark of verisimilitude – with the most damning being the revelation of the existence of Frago 242, an order issued in June 2004 stating that coalition troops should not investigate any breach of the laws of armed conflict.

Wickedleaks director Julian Blancmange, an Australian internet activist and computer hacker who founded the subversive ‘WTF Cobber?’ website, told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette “Of course the Iraqi PM and US military administration are pissed off – mostly by the war crime implications that the documents expose, more so than embarrassment.”
“Let’s face it, what military dictatorship has ever been embarrassed over torturing people and committing summary executions? Not one, ever - until details of such ended up being leaked by persons of moral conscience, sickened by what they were forced or coerced into being a part of. Until these documents were publicised by an alternative media source – one not owned or controlled by Rupert Murdoch and the Rothshite crime syndicate – and the Masonic-Zionist kikester lobby.”

Iraq's Prime Minister, Istimna Manuke Khara, criticised the release by Wickedleaks of the once-top secret US military documents, accusing the moral ethics watchdog website of trying to sabotage his bid to form a new kleptocratic government by telling the truth about the human rights abuses and war crimes. “This is not how Middle Eastern politics are played – if this Julian Blancmange fellow were here I would have him thrown into Abu Ghraib Prison and buggered senseless by Ba’athist sodomites. How dare they mention the nation-wide depleted uranium contamination - or the white phosphorous bombing of Fallujah and running children down with tanks. That is all so very top secret.”

“I mean to say, who are these so-called interfering Wickedleaks do-gooders who cannot keep their noses out of our own business of cultural barbarity? Stirring up trouble for us just because we torture and execute a few thousand of Saddam Hussein’s dissident Sunni Ba’athist scum.”
“Who are these people that would deny us the right to tread the path of political self-determination and establish our own brand of Democracy through the historically tried and tested methods of ethnic cleansing and civil war?”

Alas for the Iraqi PM and the US military sadists, Wickedleaks and its moral conscience whistleblowers exist to exercise due diligence and correct the profound observation of the Greek tragic dramatist Aeschylus, who once stated around 500 BCE: “Truth is the first casualty of war.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a war crime-infested area and may contain traces of extraordinary rendition.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the kikester Neo-Cons and their Project for a New American Century - and their Zionist New World Order.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Clinton Bitch in ‘Demands’ Mode

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The menopausal US Secretary of Sleaze, Hilarious Rodent Clinton got off to a fine start this past week by once again chasing her pet whinge, and blasting Pakistan's government for not taxing its hierarchy of zillionaire plutocrats into penury - yet still having the bare-faced audacity to continue holding out their perpetual begging bowl to developed countries.
The super-dyke Mena Mafia Matriarch made her inflammatory remarks at a news conference in Brussels after attending a top secret discussion on flood-recovery efforts for Pakistan and how to gain control of their ‘Islamic’ nuclear arsenal and thus maintain Israel’s military hegemony across the greater Mid-East.

However the Paki’ establishment come across as too fucking numb between the ears to question the hypocritical Rodent as to why the US government doesn’t tax the shit out of their Mammon-worshipping plutocrats - nor realise they’re being set up as a reputed safe haven for Muslim terrorists and next on the list for Operation Enduring Warfare and a spot of Democracy – along with Iran - whether they like it or not.

Hence the egocentric Clinton is following her prepared script of manufacturing a problem-reaction-solution scenario by threatening to knock back any and all flood disaster aid – which is really nice of her, seeing it was the Yank’s Alaska-based HAARP weather modification array that kick-started the mega-monsoon floods in the first place.
As anyone who still has half a grasp on reality realises, and with all the political and humanitarian posturing aside, the US don’t give a flying fuck about the social welfare of Pakistan’s unwashed zillions of penurious peasants – or their billionaire oligarchs.

This is just one more excuse to foment tension and aggravate and cause unrest – alike NATO (Slackwater / XE) blowing up it’s own empty fuel tankers around the Paki-Afghan border and blaming it on Paki-based Jolly Jihadi terrorists – a scenario which will be manipulated to result in an all-out military confrontation – evidenced by the growing American drone strikes and NATO helicopter attacks occurring further inside Pakistan’s borders – a most definite harbinger of far broader actions - nothing less than the expansion of the West’s war in Afghanistan into Pakistan with the ultimate goal of seizing the nation’s nuclear weapons – then threaten Iran from her south-eastern border as well as the western one with Iraq.

Next on the Clinton bitch’s shit list is Pet Peeve #2 – and this week demanded with her customary unqualified arrogance that the toothless and impotent Palestinian Authority in the West Bank and Jerusalem cease whingeing and banging their heads against the wall with stupid and meaningless negotiations and simply accept the obvious fact that Israel has no intention of calling a halt to settlement expansions and building on the occupied territories – and will continue with the de facto annexation of these lands until ‘Palestine’, per se, ceases to exist.

Speaking candidly at a banquet hosted by the American Task Force on Palestine with Mid-East Peace Envoy and arch war criminal Tony Bliar - and overheard by one reporter from the Intafada Gazette - the rug-munching Rodent declared “These people need to get used to the fact that Palestine ceased to exist in 1948, so this endless fiction about a two-state solution is all more scent than substance to keep negative world opinion – and the UN – off Tel Aviv’s back.”

Conversely, the Damascus-based Khaled Meshaal the leader of Hamas and the besieged enclave of Gaza, told a reporter from the Nakba Review that the Fatah faction leader (and Roland Rat look-alike) Mahoud Abbas, over in the West Bank, was a yidster toady and as much use as tits on a fish in negotiating for a halt to all new building and a return of their lands to the pre-1967 Six Day War occupation.
“He is a weasel, just like Yessir Marrowfat before him, who turns a blind eye to this Israeli Schadenfreude and their perverted rejoicing - enjoying and celebrating the Palestinian’s misfortune.”

“What are we to do when the Knesset is infested with Jabotinskyist scum - all die-hard followers of that bastard Ze’ev Jabot the Hutt. This is their Zionist Manifest Destiny derived from the supposedly forged Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Some fictitious black propaganda forgery when everything contained in the twenty-four ‘Protocols’ is coming true.”
“While the UN and the Palestinian people are faced with an AIPAC-controlled and dominated US Senate and Congress – and the White House as evidenced by the statements of this Hilarious Rodent Clinton woman - the Wicked Witch of the West – then our only option is subservience and accept that our nation has been stolen from us – or maintain an armed struggle.”

Hmmm, apart from their cultural obsession with usury and foreskins, the ultra-Zionist kikesters running Israel are all inoculated with the Talmudic and Biblical myths and prophecy of a Greater Israel - and that they can steal Palestine from it’s rightful and historical owners then behave alike barbaric tyrants when they marginalise and abuse them, subject them to siege and gross privations and a slow- cook methodical campaign of genocide, after incarcerating them in the biggest concentration camp on Earth.

Whatever, and regardless of the Jewish history of thieving, grasping, criminal greed across the centuries - while posturing themselves as the perennial victims - it must be remembered that these racist pigs class any non-Jew as Goyim – as unclean – and their slave – hence they are devoid of conscience and memory of empathy and compassion – even for Jews not of their elitist Khazar / Ashkenazi cabal.

The rogue state of Israel’s pond scum Shylock leaders are conveniently suffering a dose of historic amnesia – for what they are now doing to the Palestinians is precisely what they claim the Nazis did to them during the Holohoax. History will turn full circle, and Karma shall apply – and Solomon’s Temple shall never rise again.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the Project for a New American Century and the ultra Zionist kikester Fagins pushing its agenda – and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Saturday 23 October 2010

Sex Rating Fuckbook Spoof - No 1 Web Page

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Chlamydia Twatrott, a recent Slapperology PhD graduate at one of America’s most prestigious universities, has written a spoof 42-slide Power Point presentation rating sex with a variety of lovers – ranging from a clusterfuck double penetration session with a gang of rapist pirates off the coast of Somalia in 2008 while on a yachting vacation (all ‘small guys’ suffering from premature ejaculation syndrome) - to strap-on dildo and rug-munching lesbian encounters in the company of Sec’ of Sleaze Hilarious Rodent Clinton, around Washington’s dirty dyke Beltway – to frustrating vanilla sex with coke-snorting impotent Ivy League banksters on Wall Street – to BD/SM games in the depraved depths of Colorado’s Satanic Central - deep underground, beneath Denver International Airport – to kiddie fiddling toyboy sex and child sacrifices in Scotland’s main Aberdeen-based pederast paradise – the Ferryhill Freemasonry Temple.

Titled ‘Excelling In The Realm Of Horizontal Academics’ – Chlamydia’s senior honours thesis sounds innocent enough, until you catch on to just what sort of ‘horizontal academics’ she’s talking about – the Fuckbook posting has now become a major world-wide web sensation and a graphic aid to masturbation fantasy arousal.
Alas, yet wholly predicatable in the internet age, the document was originally meant for the lewd consumption of a few bisexual female ‘sisters’ but ended up getting leaked to the university’s 14,000 student body - and from there to websites globally – around the world in eighty wanks, so to speak.

While posting on Fuckbook under the handle of Feryl Beryl McSkank, Miss Twatrott made the basic ‘blonde moment’ mistake of posting her own piccy in the homepage box. Hence zillions of people – including her own parents, tutors, family and friends, can now access far too much information about the 22-year-old and her disgusting sexual proclivities – with her gruesomely explicit and casually callous commentary on her male and female lover’s performances and their prowess — or lack of it — becoming a freebie internet porno’ sensation.

Illustrating her thesis with photos and a mix of pie and bar charts (which provide explicit physical details and show levels of her own orgasmic satisfaction – from moist to wet to gushing) Chlamydia mapped her lascivious four years of sexual activity at the £30,000-per annum Dyke University of North Carolina.

Each and every single encounter - from one-night stands to relationships of only slightly longer duration (two-night stands) is described from inception — usually with Chlamydia being blind drunk in a student bar called the Three Holers — to the loveless resolution of waking up the next morning with a hangover, a sore arse, an even weirder taste in her mouth (what was I sucking?) and rancid semen dripping down her thighs.

Some liaisons only ever made it as far as Doggers Wood, behind the Three Holers Bar, ending in a suck and spit blow job - or bent over, gripping her ankles and taking it up the bum as her period wasn’t finished. Others actually got to the sack only to end in tears when both male and female sex partners refused to go ‘downtown for supper’ and ‘eat her muff’ - as one jock so aptly phrased it “Okay, you’re sexy, young and vibrant – but your pusssy smells like a dead skunk.”

Back in 2009, after shagging most of the Uni’s lacrosse team and passing on a dose of the clap, she earned the sobriquet of ‘Slagella’ and the rest of the team avoided her like the plague, with the word on the street being “Fuck Chlamydia? – Hell no – not while there’s dogs on the streets” - and one team member candidly informing her “I’d sooner have a wank than fuck you, bitch.”

While scores of the ‘sexposed’ lovers have spit the dummy over the Fuckbook postings they’re stuck with the fact they did, for better or worse, consent to having sex with her, but certainly didn’t agree to having all their personal details and piccies pasted across the canvas of cyberspace – especially so being included in her ‘performance and staying power’ comparison graph of male lovers equipped with foreskins and those circumcised – whom she labels the ‘half-cock’ brigade.

While the men’s and women’s names were belatedly removed and their faces blanked out after many of them complained – and while none has spoken publicly, the word is on the streets that all are furious with Chlamydia’s lack of discretion – with more than a hint of litigation in the air for cyber-harrassment.

Conversely, the women’s website ‘Whoring Slags’ proclaimed “Chlammy has achieved icon status and provided us all with a sense of feminist self-empowerment. Here’s another reminder that women can be as aggressive and acquisitive about sex as men can – so fuck these whingeing jocks and their flaccid weiners.”

Have you porked Chlamydia Twatrott too? Is a piccy of your dicky pasted on her Fuckbook webpage? Does her snatch really stink like the beach at low tide? Did you catch any nasty Diseases of Venus?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Friday 22 October 2010

Dodgy Darkie Dacoit Peers Rob Taxpayers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The House of Lords Committee on Thieving Scallies has recommended three Asian peers – Baroness Godzilla Polomint Udders, Lord Smarmy Porkfat and Lord Alibaba Bhaji - should be barred from the august institution due charges of embezzlement and rampant acts of dacoity - and further cough up full restitution of all bogus expenses after criminally claiming zillions of pounds from the public purse.

Ms Fellattia van Gobble, the official Labour Party spokeswoman, informed one reporter from the Scandalmonger’s Gazette that Baroness Udders had been suspended from the party and may face disciplinary action, while Lord Porkfat had resigned his party membership.
Apparently Lord Porkfat has already paid back £41,982 in felonious expense claims, while Lord Bhaji has, to date, so far coughed up a total of £27,450 in curry-stained £50 quid notes.

Following the House of Conmans MP’s expenses furore in 2008, the House of Lords Privileges and Conduct Committee looked into the dodgy claims of their peers following allegations that a number had been deliberately designating little-used properties outside London – and in the Punjab, Bangladesh and Tanzania - as their main homes.
This meant they could claim overnight allowances, which had been worth £174 quid per night, to stay near Westminster when Parliament was sitting - as well as travel expenses.

The committee has recommended that the ex-Labour peer, Baroness Godzilla Polomint Udders of the ‘Dirty Dalit’ caste, should be suspended – preferably by her thumbs over a pit of starving crocodiles - until Easter 2012 and told to repay the £125,349 she’s unscrupulously embezzled from the British taxpayer.

Baroness Udders, originally hailing from the Third World shithole of Rajshahi in Bangladesh, is reportedly known to friends and political associates alike as a greedy, penny-pinching scumbag with the morals of a sewer rat.

Brenda Titwank, director of Ox-Rat, the political corruption watchdog charity, commented that “Udders is an ambitious philistine whose ego far surpasses her limited intellect – a hypocritical operator, who exemplifies the most disagreeable traits of abusing political position and power.”
“She’s chronically disingenuous, but her vaunted Common Purpose perception management skills have fallen flat on their arse this time around and she’s been exposed for what she really is – a common thief. Thus, as a heathen worshipper of Islam, under the statutes of Sharia Law, perhaps it would be fitting that she gets her right hand chopped off as a warning to others – and a lesson to alter her criminal ways.”

On 23rd November 2009 Baroness Udders’ case was passed to the Met’s Plod Squad for possible prosecution for fraud. The Daily Shitraker later reported that she was, with her customary brazen arrogance, refusing to cooperate with the police investigation, or to answer questions regarding the charges on the grounds her replies might incriminate her.

Conversely, on 18th October 2010, the House of Lords Committee on Thieving Scallies ruled that Baroness Udders had undertaken a systematic policy of embezzlement through her sham expense claims and was a slimy thieving slut – adding the recommendation that she should repay £125,349 as well as being suspended from Parliament until Easter 2012.

After being threatened with legal actions by Udders’ lawyers from Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot, the Daily Shitraker went on to publish a damning editorial that stated for the public record ”Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s lexicon of 250,000-plus words there are none that accurately describe the neurotic Baroness Udders voracious condition of fiscal kleptomania. However it has since been unanimously agreed by a conclave of Anglo-Saxon peers that the term ‘Thieving Cunt’ comes pretty close.”

The ex-Labour peer and donor Lord Smarmy Porkfat freely admitted that honesty in government was rarer than rocking horse shit and hen’s teeth – and that he never spent a night at the one-bedroom flat in Oxfordshire he designated as his main residence and claimed maximum expenses for between 2005 and July of 2006.
The House of Lords Committee on Thieving Scallies report states: "Lord Porkfat explained his interpretation of the term main residence by reference to his cultural background. He insisted that anyone from India would term ‘main residence’ as his grass hut back at Jalandhar in the poxy Punjab.”

It might be remembered by career scumbag watchers and government corruption sentinels that in 2003, ironically on reflection, the hypocritical Lord Porkfat blamed difficulties in the world of business on "greed, coupled with the abdication of personal responsibility” – and further called for high standards of accountability and transparency in political and business life, acknowledging that "a little bit of scandal can put you behind” – or out of the House of Lords – especially so with that little bit of scandal totalling up to £41,982 – plus change.

The 96-year old Lord Alibaba Bhaji was criticised by the committee for designating a property in Scallygate, Surrey, as his main home between October 2007 and January 2009.
The crossbencher peer has owned a family home in Scumdale Hamlets, Greater London, for nearly 20 years but informed the committee he had rented the Scallygate property as he was considering downsizing as he got older (obviously on housing only and not his expense account claims).

The investigation uncovered the fact he spent 5% of weekends there when Parliament was sitting and he shared the property with Mother Teresa’s brother, Jack, who was named as a lodger on the lease.

The committee ruled Lord Bhaji had not acted in good faith when designating his main home for the purposes of claiming an overnight allowance - nor in mileage claimed for journeys to the property at Scallygate when his Scumdale Hamlets residence was in easy commuting distance to Parliament – recommending he be suspended from the Lords for twenty-seven months – one for each of the thousands of pounds he claimed in dodgy expenses.

Speaking with the media, Lord Bhaji claimed that the committee had ambushed him with extremely hostile questioning – obviously missing the irony that is the procedure when grilling embezzlers.

In this case we might well reference the old adage that states “the only thing worse than organised crime is disorganised crime” – as illustrated here by their petty thefts – fiddling expenses indeed.
In their case they broke that most sacred of the Eleven Commandments: Thou shalt not get found out!” – and end up ‘caught’ with their greedy little paws in the cookie jar.

Seriously, why for fuck’s sake, are we funding these parasites in the first place? The end result of a totally fucked-up political system that allows the continuation of the 'Second Estate', the sponging monarchy and the House of Lords. Give the lot the hoof and turn all their lands over to the National Trust.
Conversely, in the case of these three ‘dacoits’, then that’s the eventual price of Empire – adopting, and anointing with titles of nobility, a gaggle of Third World ne’er do well scrounging kleptomaniacs who, due their cultural upbringing and conditioning, can’t differentiate between ‘honest’ and ‘dishonest’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Panama’s Poor Lose out to Greedsters

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

It was going to be the largest single charitable donation in Panama's history of miserly rule by parsimonious plutocrats - more than $50 zillion bucks to benefit poor children.
Hiram T. Croesus III, a US bordello tycoon whose fortune was founded on profits derived from sin and human frailty, left the majority of his extensive estate to the Bleeding Hearts charitable foundation to help the neediest people (the poor fuckers) in the country where he lived until his death in 2006, aged 128.

Now, four years later, after a bitter legal battle, the fortune is going to one of Panama's most powerful dynasties – the Arias clan - which includes career greaseball son Gilberto Arais, the incumbent ambassador to Britain. Thus the poverty-stricken indigenous children of the Third World shithole - with a crap-infested canal running through the middle of it - have yet again, as is their eternal lot in this God-fearing Catholic nation - been left without a single red cent.

Panama's Supreme Court, headed by Judge Ronnie de Corruptioni, declared that Croesus’ last will and testament to be null and void in August, turning over the entire estate to his widow, Slagella, the ailing, octogenarian matriarch of the grasping Arias family of snide oligarchs, which have extensive officially-sanctioned crime-related business interests throughout Central and South America.

Her five children from a previous marriage – scions of a family which boasts former pond scum presidents as well as major drug dealers, bottom feeding banksters, kiddies fiddling paedo priests and bishops - plus bent ministers and diplomats – are expected to inherit the money after she pops her clogs and goes aloft to join the Choir Invisible – or down below to stoke Satan’s eternal furnace.

Critics have accused the tycoon's widow of greed and questioned the integrity of Panama's crooked judiciary – raising the spectre of the old maxim – What’s the difference between the Panamanian justice system and a criminal syndicate? – Absolutely none!

Hiram Croesus married Slagella Piza de Arias, the former wife of Grafto de Arias, a shifty Panamanian politician, in 1982 and in the 1990’s they moved down to Panama from Texas – buying the 7,000 acre Hacienda Santa Monica.
Croesus, who never had children of his own due a chronic ingrowing foreskin condition, unfortunately adopted, by default, Slagella’s brood of six grasping, spendthrift progeny – and their whingeing progeny - as his step-children and step grand-children.

However, the crafty old Croesus, who hated his adult step-children like dogshit stuck to the sole of his carpet slippers, sprang a surprise upon his death. His will granted Slagella a monthly stipend of US$20,000 bucks and gave her children one-off payments of $50,000 bucks apiece.

But the big prize – the hacienda, whose value had soared to more than $50 zillion bucks since it was purchased by Croesus almost twenty years ago – was to be sold off and the proceeds given to a newly created tax-free charitable foundation for poor children.

Fr. Hector Fuctifino, head of the intended recipient Bleeding Hearts children's charity, told a reporter from the Grasping Gits Review "That money could have helped a lot of poor children to a better life through improved medicare, education and proper nourishment. If the Arias family keeps it God will never forgive them. Alas, but in Panama political and economic forces weigh more than justice and the final will and wishes of a dying man."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a greed-infested area and may contain traces of avarice.

Thursday 21 October 2010

Kray Twins do ‘Cash in de Attic’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Hundreds of previously unseen letters, photographs and underworld memorabilia belonging to the notorious London gangsters Ronnie and Reggie Kray went up for grabs and auctioned off at the prestigious Arthur Negus Emporium for Old Tat, for what one financial specialist termed “lots and lots of lovely money.”

In one of the letters – addressed to Rupert (call me Marion) Scrunt, a Soho transvestite ‘hostess’, who once worked at the twin’s Esmeralda’s Barn nightclub in Shitesbridge, scribbled in his customary spiderhand copperplate on pink Holly Hobbie notepaper and littered with spelling mistakes - Ronnie reveals his ‘orgasmic pleasure’ at receiving a letter from the camp American performer and pianist Liberace – declaring his admiration for the Kray’s ‘butch gangsta’ style.

One highly controversial set of grainy photographs, taken on a Kodak Brownie ‘Blackmail 8’ camera, which show Ronnie (the ‘iffy’ one) out walking on Hampstead Heath in 1963, arm in arm with Tory peer Baron Boothby, then buggering the old faggot doggy style in Cottagers Woods, sold to Gaylord magazine for £5,000.

Boothby perjured himself in typical noble fashion when he successfully sued the Daily Shitraker in 1964 after the gutter press tabloid had the blatant audacity to alleged that he and Ronnie were a pair of sodomites, into a ‘sexual relationship’ that involved sticking their willies up each other’s bums. Apparently detectives from the Met’s Plod Squad are still searching for the offending editor’s head – after the rest of his body was discovered poking out of the concrete foundations of the M1’s Junction 11 bridge near Luton.

The items were sold at Blagger & Scally Auctioneers in Screwes, East Fussex, by the twins' unofficial biographer Ghengis McTwatt, the notorious Glaswegian pit bull strangler, who became their close confidante, sharing the next cell in Scumhurst Prison after they were jailed for mass murder in 1969.

A matched set of the twin’s His and Her’s ruby-encrusted knuckle dusters saw bids soar to £18,000 – and sold to the celebrity career sadist and servant mauler, HRH Sheikh Isser bin Nastygit of Abu Dhabi.
Ronnie’s favourite souvenir trophy – Mad Frank Mitchell’s head-lopping axe – brought an exorbitant £2,500 – when the same can be still bought today at B & Q for £17:85 inc VAT.
However, his personal pink Sony Wankman fetched a mere £20 due audio tapes being so ‘etre demode’ and iPod MP3 players now being the de rigueur hi-tech’ musical accessory.

Conversely, and perhaps quite paradoxically too, one Black & Decker cordless power drill, used to torture gangland opponents and knee-cap grassers and snitches, went for £300 – including a full set of masonry drill bits, plus the original battery charger (240/110 volt AC – 12 volt DC).

A pair of ‘Ron’ and ‘Reg’ monogrammed pick axe shafts, still resplendently stained in realistic Grotty Goth / Halloween style with blood and gore, brought a record £12,700 quid from an anonymous internet bidder at the Yakuza-R-Us website in Tokyo after a round of hectic bidding between the eventual winner and a certain Mr Guido Corruptioni of the Cosa Nostra Corporation in Sicily.

Did you bid on any of the Kray twin’s old ‘gangsta tat’? Did you see who bought the gold-plated thumb screws? Would you like a full colour laminated photocopy of Ronnie Kray’s ‘Certified Insane’ certificate as a coffee table conversational décor?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and we’ll pass them on to New Scotland Yard for investigation.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Fiji Downgraded to British Protectorate

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The South Pacific Ocean’s Republic of the Fiji Islands has this week held up its hands, shouted “Whoops!” – and admitted to losing the legal document confirming an end to its subservience to the British crown – which granted it independence from the United Kingdom.

As Fiji celebrated the 40th anniversary of achieving emancipation from the UK on October 10th, the Minister for Snafu’s, Mr Wilberforce Chuckabutty, admitted the government had lost the legal ‘Independence Order’ presented to the Very Reverend Winnebago Jaffacake and a bunch of pissed-up bunch of grass-skirted tribal elders, by Prince Chazzer (Great White Father who talk to plants) in 1970.

Misplaced due an exotic blend of Melanesian and Hindu bureaucratic incompetence, and after five years of scouring desk drawers, shoe boxes and biscuit tins in government departments, plus looking down bandicoot burrows and up coconut trees, President Ratu Datu Tatu has been compelled to take the embarrassing step of asking their former colonial masters for a photocopy of the ‘Instruments of Independence’ from the UK's National Archives at Kew.

The UK Parliament's Fiji Independence Act of 1970 granted the dubious privilege of ‘Independence’ to the Pacific nation of 800-plus volcanic and coral islands.
The Act stated that "On and after the 10th October 1970 Her Majesty's Government in the United Kingdom shall have no responsibility for the government of Fiji” – then went on to spell out the nation's free powers to make their own laws governing the chronic theft of bicycles, dug-out canoes, fat pigs, wives, bananas and breadfruit.

So, the $69,000,000 zillion dollar question now raises its ugly head: when a country loses such a document – specifically it’s release from Imperial slavery, colonial domination and exploitation - does the right to independence go down the drain with it?

“Absolutely – and with a capital A” proclaims the Oxford-based constitutional expert Professor Roland Muskrat. “Independence papers might well be viewed simply as symbolic items – such as a birth certificate or passport – and if you lose your passport then, as we all well know from dire experience – you’re fucked – with a capital F. Unfortunately, and specifically so in Fiji’s case, the legitimacy of a former colonial state rests entirely on that special piece of paper they seem to have lost. They’re now a far-flung part of the United Kingdom again - and ripe for a massive increase in council tax.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Wednesday 20 October 2010

Sex Ed’ Teacher Fired – for Doing Her Job

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A female teacher working at Liverpool’s St Asbo’s School for Latter Day Scallies has freely admitted to authorities of her own volition that she might have exceeded her charter with a class of 15-year-old male pupils regarding their sex education curriculum – by screwing the entire class.

Ms Fellattia Titwank, 23, was employed as a supply teacher at St Asbo’s, on Merseyside, after her predecessor was accidentally shot and killed during a Creative Arts 'McVicar' bank blag drama performance in the school hall.

According to the testimony of several students they were given individual appointments to visit Ms Titwank in the privacy of her own home - at 69 Doggers Crescent, on Liverpool’s Shagford Hamlets housing estate - outside of normal school hours, where they experienced the erotic delights of oral sex, plus intercourse in a variety of positions. This location was chosen so as not to embarrass other pupils by having penetrative sex in the classroom as she could never achieve a complete and satisfying orgasm in front of a crowd.

Ms Titwank pleaded not guilty yesterday to charges of abusing her position of trust by sexual misconduct with the entire class of male students, none of whom can be identified because of their age (apart from Vinnie McSnitch, the little snidey twat who grassed up the class’s extra-curriculum carnal activities) .

Mr Arthur Capon, the head teacher of St Asbo’s, told one reporter from the Toyboys Gazette after the hearing: "I am appalled she used her position – the complete index of Karma Sutra positions by the sound of things - in such a way. Seriously, what on earth is this college she studied at – the Institute for Horizontal Academics, where she got a PhD first in Copulative Studies.”

The paedophilia charges filed against Ms Titwank are spread over the earlier months of 2010 - between St Valentine’s on February 14th and April Fool’s Day, some six weeks later.
When the sitting magistrate Sir Irwin Bogbrush pointed out to the comely Ms Titwank that government guidance warns sexual relationships between staff and pupils is regarded as a grave breach of trust, she responded with “Well, how am I supposed to do me effin’ job an’ teach these kids the practical side of their sex education curriculum. It’s not just climb aboard, have a few thrusts an’ shoot yer load like some of you blokes do. There’s a lot more ter sex than premature ejaculation or a quick hand job in the school bogs.”

Court reporters from Scouseland’s red top tabloid gutter press apparently drooled over the prosecution’s list of evidence against the buxom Ms Titwank. Labelled as a lecherous seductress, devoid of moral scruples, and diagnosed as suffering from Galloping Nymphomania, the erring teacher stands accused of conducting al fresco outdoor ‘sports’ activity sessions with pupils in her back garden – plus encouraging coital ‘voyeurism, providing penis enlargement tips, and handing out Viagra pills to students with erection problems due their booze and drug habits.

Rumours abound that this isn’t the first occasion Ms Titwank has been ‘disciplined’ for exceeding her licence concerning sex education classes and her lascivious conduct with students.
While teaching at Slagborough-on-Sea in 2008, several complaints were received from anxious parents of her all-girls class who boasted to friends they’d received their ‘Three-Holer’ diplomas - and had further been given demonstrations of ‘rug munching’ and tribbing – and taught the French art of ‘Gamarouche’ – from suck n spit basics through to evolving and perfecting their suck-swallow-suck techniques by practicing to gulp down a massive dollop of mayonnaise while sucking on a courgette.

What are your opinions on practical sex education lessons for juvenile school students? Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a course of private sex education tuition with Miss Titwank.

Thought for the day: The St Asbo’s School for Latter Day Scallies motto is 'Nihil nisi bonum' – 'Only the best will do'. Hmmm, well, Ms Titwank obviously gave the pupils her best.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Cat Binner Mary McScum Fined

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A woman filmed dumping a cat into a wheelie bin last August has been fined £250 after admitting a cruelty offence. The RSPCA charged Mary McScum of Shitbag Terraces, Coventry after she was filmed on a CCTV camera stroking Tiddles the tomcat before picking him up by the scruff of the neck and sadistically tossing him into a bin outside the owner’s (Steph and Dilbert Fuctifino) home on Moggy Mauler’s Lane.

McScum, 45, pleaded guilty to causing unnecessary suffering to a cat – with a further numpty charge filed by the RSPCA of not providing the animal with a suitable environment being dropped by the CPS as ‘simply too silly to prosecute.”

District Judge Candida Mingerot told the court the potential for harm to the cat had been substantial but the reality was she had not been physically hurt – apart from suffering 15 hours of anxiety due being subjected to sensory deprivation, hunger and thirst, and having to survive in the unwholesome medium of a pool of shit at the bottom of an empty rubbish bin – for which Tiddles was still undergoing psychiatric therapy for emotional trauma.

In her defence Coventry Magistrate's Court heard testimony that McScum was on a course of prescription medication for stress and depression at the time the cat assault incident occurred, due her elderly father being taken gravely ill after being found trapped in a wheelie bin for a week, and that he had since popped his clogs.

McScum's solicitor Irwin Bogbrush told the court his client could offer no explanation for her ruthless actions in Moggy Maulers Lane last August. "She has received hate-mail, abusive telephone messages and death threats, and had used kitty litter poured through her letter box and dead kittens thrown through her windows.

”While an initial fine of £250 quid was levied by the court, with costs of £1,171, a further fine of £120 quid was imposed by the local council for ‘bin misuse’ - dumping the cat in a green recycling bin - strictly reserved for garden waste – when it should have gone into a regular grey bin.
McScum was also issued with an ASBO, banning her from keeping or going within 50 meters of any and all small furry mammals for five years - and further slapped with a Community Service Order punishment of having to spend 15 hours locked in the Fuctifino family’s wheelie bin every weekend until Christmas.

In passing sentence, Judge Mingerot informed the court she had taken McScum’s public vilification into account – hence her display of leniency, regardless of the accused stating disingenuously that she suffered from ’Galloping Ailurophobia’ – a fear and dread of cats.

"I accept you were in a typical maniac menopausal mood at the time – just as I am myself this morning - having a sick father and being forced to resign from your job as a cormorant strangler; but that's no excuse for what you did. Personally, and as a cat lover myself, I consider you to be a frustrated, cruel bastard and a closet psychopath.”

“When you were first identified and confronted with dumping that poor family's hapless feline into a wheelie bin you declared in a typical bad bitch manner for the public record “So wot’s all the fuckin’ fuss about – it’s only an effin’ cat!" - an act you claim was done for a ‘bit of a laugh’ – but obviously the only one to see the funny side of your action was yourself – and definitely not Tiddles.”
“However, as you have been hounded by the local tar and feathers mob, spit at, and targeted with a legion of death threats for your abominable and sadistic actions, even prompting our Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg to comment “What a cunt!” - I’m letting you off lightly – so watch your step.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Tuesday 19 October 2010

Tory Plutocrats Deny Tax-Dodge Hypocrisy

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Channel 69 is currently embroiled in a mega-nuclear explosive row with the Government over their controversial ‘Scumbags Expose’ programme conducting an investigation into the nefarious financial affairs of Posh Dave Scameron’s Libservative Coalition Cabinet Ministers.

The documentary reports on, and corroborates with hard evidence, a legion of allegations targeting millionaire Ministers - including Chancellor George Oddball; Minister for Things with Wheels, Philip Scammond; and the Secretary for Wasting Time & Money, Andrew Shitchell.

Last night, all three of the ‘accused’ strongly denied any implication that they’d acted improperly by deploying tax-avoidance scams, with the obviously paranoid Minister Scammond shitting proverbial kittens and going into a ‘guilty conscience / something to hide’ defensive posture by hurling litigative threats at the programme’s producers; warning that his lawyers at Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot would be watching this week’s edition of Scumbags Expose - on the lookout for any home truths that can safely be denied and classed as slanderous innuendo.

This act prompted one reporter from the Daily Shitraker red top gutter press tabloid to speculate “While we recognise the fact that Scammond is a politician and hence a career slimeball, what kind of a half-honest bloke keeps a stable of expensive lawyers standing by on Defcon One, armed with a fistful of writs for slander and libel?”

To add a lavish pinch of piquant spice to the clamour and confusion, the Foreign Office has now got its knickers in a twist and kicked off tilting at windmills after learning that the report claims the manky civil service mandarins running the show on behalf of that inept closet case William Vague, have granted special financial treatment to the Cayman Islands – an infamous tax and drug money laundering haven – thus indirectly, yet with purpose aforethought, benefiting companies run by Conservative Party donors.

Channel 69’s Scumbags Expose has been tactically scheduled to coincide with the initiation of the painful and sanguine chop of the planned public spending cuts, and will serve to illustrate the ironic hypocrisy of the Coalition’s claim that ‘we are all in this together’, before delving into some of the ‘wealth management’ strategies that Tory Ministers are employing to avoid taxation and preserve their ever-expanding fortunes.

The report claims that Minister Scammond acted in a felonious manner last year to limit (read ‘avoid’) his exposure to the new 50 pence top rate of tax by moving shares in his Slumborough-based ‘Hovels-R-Us’ property business into the name of his wife Slapperella, who pays tax at a significantly lower rate. Scammond cunningly shifted the shares as soon as the 50p rate was announced – a full six months before it came into effect in April – a move he has since imprudently boasted saves him more than £26,000 quid a year in tax.

Scumbags Expose ably demonstrates that Scammond, who is rumoured to be ‘very, very rich’ and worth what City banksters refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’ – is guilty of gross hypocrisy if not actions that transgress the criminal code.
Scammond has stated for the public record that he personally never cops for a brass farthing from his Hovels-R-Us property business in salary, instead receiving payment in the form of share dividends – a tax-dodging measure employed by wealthy pond scum and bottom feeders to do HM Revenue & Customs service out of their due.

Minister Scammond, the Tory MP for Runnynose, a man who vainly brags of being a 5th Dan black belt in ‘cormorant strangling, is no stranger to controversy or criticism concerning his financial fiddles – as instanced in 2009 when, during the opportune expose of MP’s scandalous expenses, it emerged that he claimed just £8 quid short of the £23,000 maximum allowance for a second home at Scumborough Hamlets in London from 2007 to 2008 – even though he lived in the commuter belt town of Wankington - within easy commuting distance of Westminster.
In answer to criticism on this matter Scammond, an avid tea spoon collector, (a hobby funded by the common tax-paying peasants) protested that regardless of not needing a second home, and in keeping with his reputation as a greedy twat, he’d continue to claim his allowance for such until the Parliamentary rules were changed.

In 2009 Scammond claimed a total of £125,000 quid in expenses – on top of his already-bloated MP’s salary - and had the audacity to vote against MP’s having to provide receipts for their expense claims.
Hmmm, little wonder he is described by political opponents as ‘a cunt in cunt’s clothing’ – and a person who inspires one to count their fingers after embracing his dead fish handshake.

Scumbags Expose goes on to raise the question as to why Andrew Shitchell, the Minister for Wasting Time & Money, whose job is to alleviate world poverty, has personally made large returns on investments in the British Virgin Islands, another tax dodge haven.
It further highlights a Government policy U-turn over the Cayman Islands, which is the base for companies run by wealthy Tory donors such as Sir Hugh Skank, worth £185 zillion nicker, and Lord Michael Kuntze, worth £250 zillion.

In 2009 the then Labour Foreign Minister Ghengis McScrunt tried to force the islands to introduce direct taxation by restricting their access to loans to plug a budget deficit.

However, within weeks of the new Libservative Government taking power, the demand had been dropped and the Foreign Office had granted permission for the islands to borrow an extra £100 million quid from the UK Treasury – even though the British electorate are facing massive public spending cuts.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Would you agree that the only thing worse on the Periodic Table of Scumsters than a politician is a kiddie fiddling Catholic priest – or an Aberdeen pederast hiding behind a Sheriff's badge?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Plods Geared for Stop n Search Abuse

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

According to a report just leaked by whistle blowers working for Ox-Rat, the Big Brother abuse watchdog charity, the UK’s Plod Squads will soon be allowed to return to the dystopic days when they could stop and search people on the basis of their ethnic background - with the news threatening to ignite a row of Biblical proportions between Posh Dave Scameron’s government and civil liberties groups.

So-called ‘Sus Laws’ were scrapped in the 1980’s after the alleged targeting of coloured people (darkies) by white supremacist police officers led to race riots in London, Birmingstan and Liverpool.
However, recent Home Office police guidance, drafted under the watch of Theresa Maybe and leaked to Ox-Rat, sets down new rules that will once again allow race to be a basis for stop and search on the controversial grounds of “Ello,ello,ello, here comes a suspicious lookin’ darkie! Get the pepper spray an’ tasers ready lads – we might just have a raghead Muslim terrorist ter kick the shit out of here!”

The civil liberties group claims the proposal flies in the face of recommendations contained in the final report of Sir Wilberforce MacTwatt’s Inquiry into the 1993 murder of the visibly sun-tanned Stephen Lawrence – and would also breach Labour’s Equality Act 2010 – recently brought into force by the Libservative Coalition.

The Act, originally framed by the ginger-mingin’ Labour Deputy Leader Harriet Halfwitt, prohibits race discrimination by ‘public bodies’ – which actually does include the arrogantly autarchic Plod Squad, regardless of them boasting to be above the law and able to get away with the brutalisation or murders of innocent members of the public – as so frequently evidenced on live CCTV footage or witnessed by crowds of onlookers. (Brazilian electricians and G20 newspaper vendors)

Miss Winnebago Chuckabutty, director of policy for Ox-Rat, told a reporter from the Fascists Gazette that “Stopping and searching individuals, devoid of a genuine suspicion of any wrong-doing is divisive enough, without telling police they can directly discriminate on the grounds of race. Now they’ll be pulling up suspected pikey swan-roasters and gyppo kiddie sex pimps with their ‘Darkie Warrants’ left, right and centre. Just you mark my words and wait and see who cops for it first – Muslim Paki's and the Yardies – then it’ll be innocent Africans or Negroes going to a Halloween party dressed up with eye patches, hooked hands, brandishing plastic cutlasses, with a parrot on their shoulder and wearing a Jolly Roger t-shirt – arrested on suspicion of being Somali pirates.”

The MacTwatt Inquiry in 1999 severely criticised the Met’s inept Plod Squad for its inherent culture of racism and targeted corrupt police officers for their mishandling of the murder of Stephen Lawrence – a British-born black teenager - who was killed in an unprovoked racist knife attack by a gang of white yobsters in April 1993.
The principle aggressor, Lenny Thugg, was the son of the feared drug-smuggling Scally Gang boss Frank Thugg who paid the Plod Squad off with a series of bribes to Det Sgt Jack Pondscum – to obstruct the investigation of the murder and protect the suspects – specifically the criminally-liable Lenny.

Do you think that Section 60 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994 is a big bag of shit? Is the all-new Equality Act more at scent than substance? Do this Libservative Coalition have a fucking clue what’s going on around them?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the Plod Squad and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.