Sunday, 26 September 2010

Delhi Commonwealth Games Fubar

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

As an age-old proverb so wisely states – “If it wasn’t for bad luck then they wouldn’t have any” – that about sums up the current state of affairs for India as 50 nations out of a grand global total of 54 (including India) have postponed – or outrightly cancelled - their departure for the Commonwealth Games in Delhi as organisers raced on Thursday to tackle construction, security and basic sanitation problems that have already prompted scores of top athletes to declare “Fuck this for a game of soldiers!” and pull out of the tragi-comedy pantomime – lock, stock and trainers.

Australia's Olympic Committee President Wally McBruce confided in a reporter from the Fubar Gazette that the Commonwealth Games should never have been awarded to the bunch of incompetent kleptocrats running Delhi as they lacked the nuance and know-how to monitor progress and ensure that construction deadlines were met - then stated for the public record “They’ve had seven years to get ready for this show but only started work on it less than 18 months ago. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”

While many nations have delayed – or cancelled outright - their participation in the smelly Delhi games, England became the first overseas team to reach the dump last Thursday, only to have three of their competitors croak from a dose of the dreaded Screaming Shits (ballistic diarrhoea) after eating lunch at Mustapha's Greasy Spoon restaurant and being gullible enough to believe the tap water was safe to drink.

New Zealand joined Old Zealand, Australia, Antarctica, Papua New Guinea, Canada and the sacred islet of Rockall, in opting for a delay due to the disgusting state of the accommodation for athletes at the New Delhi Games Village, which evasive organisers are blaming on heavy monsoon rains, with a daytime biting mosquito-borne Dengue fever epidemic spread across the Indian capital - leaving legions of peasants shitting blood and bits of intestine.

The Dengue factor only adds a touch more nausea to the habitual infestations of rats, cockroaches and dacoits – with the gutter press’s publication of covert photos of filthy apartments and rabid stray dogs roaming around the Althlete’s Village compound and chewing at evicted lepers only serving to further disgust would-be foreign contestants and tourists alike.

However Kenya has stated that regardless of crap conditions it would send its team, which then prompted the nation's top athletes to withdraw due to illness or fatigue, with Moses O’Dinga, the world champion ostrich strangler telling the media “Ah fuck Delhi, it’s an even bigger shithole dan Nairobi - we’ll jest sit back an’ wait awhile fer de 2012 Olympics in London.”

Wales too have put the blocks on its athlete’s participation in the games due the atrocious state of unreadiness at the Commonwealth Village in Delhi – which critics claim is an excuse due the fact their 100 meters sprint champion, Elwyn Jones, (aka Jones the Mutton) was arrested and held on remand after being and caught sheep-shagging and found in possession of a jar of full-strength mint jelly, down on Swansea’s Gower Peninsula last weekend.

Scotland faced a similar dilemma when Hector McTwatt, their foremost Caber-Tossing title holder was arrested for tossing his own caber behind a public toilet in Grampian’s kiddie-fiddling capital of Aberdeen. New Zealand champion cyclist Trev Snott became the first member of his nation's team to pull out after a gang of dodgy dacoits stole the front wheel off his bike in the compound’s ‘secure area’.

World discus champions Bruce von Frisbee and Trev Fourex of Australia have now declined to travel to the grungy games due security and health concerns, as did England's world triple high jump champion Johnson Bungeecord.
Triple Olympic sprint champion Rasta McYardie of Jamaica is the highest profile athlete to skip the event – and actually chopped his own foot off as an excuse to avoid making the trip.
Four other champions have quit due to various reasons, including self-harm type injuries, vomiting in disgust at the news photos of the games’ village accommodations, and attempted suicides.

Preparations for the Commonwealth Games – the stadium and athlete’s village -are estimated to have cost in excess of R 5,000 rupees to date – the equivalent of several hundred £ quid in real money. India had hoped to use the games (held every four years in ex-British empire colonies) to display its growing global economic and political clout, rivalling such other Asian Third World septic landfills as North Korea and Indonesia.

Instead the entire games fiasco has become a major embarrassment for the government, which is trying to weasel its way out of accusations and criticism of shoddy construction, inadequate security and unfit accommodation – all due to the government’s total incompetence - mirrored back at the bureaucracies responsible: New Delhi’s Department of Nepotism, the Ministry for Graft and Corruption, and last but not least, the Office of National Kleptocracy.

Indian Prime Minister Ramjam Singh – a former bazaar entertainer who won the India’s Got Talent contest in 1998 with his Ramjam Singh and the Betel Nut Singers act – confided to a reporter from the red top Scandalmongers Gazette “Goodness gracious me – this is the biggest fuck up since the last big fuck up – and that was only a week ago.”
“It is my opinion that the entire blame for this snafu should fall on the shoulders of that crooked twat in a turban - Mr Muttonleg Chuckabutty, the main contractor and owner of Delhi’s Sacred Cow Brewery. He is a very good friend of the opposition leader Andy McGandhi – who is always after my job as PM.”

However, Ms Constance Dandelion, the games federation chairperson, accused PM Singh of failing to recognise that events like the games carry huge international prestige and the entire clusterfuck lies squarely on his shoulders and should not be shoved off onto convenient scapegoats such as Mr Muttonleg Chuckabutty.
“Singh is a political poltroon and pomposity on two legs whose talents are inversely disproportionate to achieving the required results. His excuses concerning PR and perception management failures are just failures of his lies and propaganda to conceal his culpability for the state of affairs here in Delhi. He is an emasculated capon if the truth be known – yet another rubber-necked twat, strutting around like a flamingo and fascinated by the ability to look up his own arse.”

Mr Jimjams Jaffacake, the provincial Minister for Snafu’s and chairman of the Commonwealth Games Organising Committee, was interviewed while supervising the eviction of crocodiles out of the Yamuna River – where the swimming events will now take place due the planned Olympic-sized pool being built in the minister’s back garden by mistake.
Jaffacake related "I can assure all our athlete guests and trainers and family that security is well in place - with only a few murders and robberies aimed at foreign visitors – such as last Sunday's shooting of two tourists outside Delhi's Jam Rolypoly Mosque – but that’s about as secure as it gets around here during the Dacoity season.”

Many sporting events have hit trouble before opening, such as the disastrous 2004 Athens Olympic stadium not being completed until 2005. However polls in Dehli newspapers show that a vast majority of Indians are ashamed – with the Muckerjee Times editorial going so far as to comment “If this was a Japanese event that was so screwed up then the bloke in charge would have had the decency to commit ritual seppuku by now and let someone else sort his balls-up out.”

This press statement prompted A.K. Blabberwocky, the Organising Committee Secretary General, to tell Pox News "I genuinely feel sorry for what has happened and would like to apologise not only on my behalf and on behalf of the organising committee, but for everyone connected – including the people we have chosen to be scapegoats and get sacked and tarred and feathered."

“Alas, the ceiling in the weightlifting venue caving in on Wednesday, just one single day after the collapse of the Walk of Fame footbridge over the Yamuna River into the main stadium – which saw 27 workers eaten by croc’s – hasn’t inspired confidence in any of the visiting Commonwealth teams.”
“This is a collective failure with the only redeeming feature being that some of Delhi's outstanding infrastructure projects have been completed as the games village construction works progressed - including the installation of running water and flush toilets. We hope to have a full drainage and sewage system in place throughout major parts of the city by Christmas also.”

Thought for the day: A truism states that when things go tits up in a Busby Berkeley spectacular fashion one should simply stand back, smile and remark “Fuck it, a hundred years from now who’s gonna remember anyway.” Unfortunately in India’s case, with regard to the Delhi Commonwealth Games stadium and athlete’s village fiasco, and the whole enterprise being fubar and a total snafu, the incident will be emblazoned across the pages of the Compendium History of Global Incompetence and people a Millennium on will still burst out laughing if anyone mentions the Indian government being put in charge of a simple task like hosting the Commonwealth Games.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

1 comment:

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