Cash-Up-Front Organ Donor Scheme Mulled

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

The Numpty Norman Bormann Council on Bioethics is undertaking a public opinion survey to determine if financial incentives are a morally-principled approach to increase donations of organs, eggs and sperm.

The consultation will look at all kinds of donation specifics including whole organs, blood, skin, corneas, bone, sperm, eggs, toenails and embryos, as well as clinical trials that test the safety of new medicines on unemployed and homeless human guinea pigs ready to do anything to pay for a couple of bottle of Shite Lightning cider.

While paying for most types of organs and tissue is illegal in the UK, cash incentives and the payment of funeral expenses are two ideas being suggested to encourage people to donate human organs – whether their own or some other hapless member of their family – such as an aging Granny with any internal bits still functioning and not past their use-by date.

The Bioethics Council’s proposal will explore ways of boosting donations from living people of bodily material such as sperm - which will obviously appeal to out-of-work chronic masturbators set to make a few tax-free quid on the side.

Further, the planned campaign that is intended to follow the survey is designed to encourage more people to sign up for the transplant donor register and state their wishes of how their organs may – or may not - be used by others after their death – such as ticking the ‘No Gollies or Pikeys’ boxes.

The ‘Organs Usage’ choice section has become a most controversial point after a legion of would-be donors endorsed the ‘Preference’ boxes or comments section with such homophobic and anti-Semitic remarks as ‘No Poofters’ and ‘No Yids’.

Coupled to this issue is the scandal arising from the remains of corpses that had been ‘organ harvested’ at Smegmadale-on-Sea’s Poundland Bargain Transplant Organs Clinic then dumped into a mortuary skip and sent off to a cat food factory to be processed into tinned delights for manky moggies.

As well as cash payments for organs to surviving relatives of the deceased, or the remuneration of funeral costs, other options will include priority for the donor if they require a transplant later in life – plus a ‘cash now – organs later’ scheme wherein future donors can flog their vital internal organs off while in the prime of life and enjoy themselves with the advance payments.

Following an innovative scheme piloted in Bradfordstan, transplant clinics are out to convince hard-up prospective donors that they can enjoy just as good and full a life with one kidney – or one eye if they sell a cornea – with donors up for selling both corneas being entitled to a free white stick and a Labrador puppy – plus a copy of Braille for Dummies.

Demand for organ donors has increased at such a geometric rate in recent years that now it far exceeds supply and has unfortunately created a veritable ‘black market’ in transplant organs - with the Chinese government sentencing peasants who have committed minor criminal offences – such as shoplifting – to death, solely to harvest their organs.

Further, Israel too has recently gone into total denial mode – as usual – over the burgeoning scandal that their IDF military thugs are targeting and kidnapping Palestinian youths to steal their organs – with bodies returned to families – if at all – stitched up like a patchwork quilt with all kinds of internal bits missing – following which an FBI bust has led to the arrest of two truckloads of Kikester rabbis in New York who were responsible for running an illegal mega-bucks transplant scam and flogging off all manner of stolen goyim organs.

However critics have been quick to remark that what’s the point of paying for the funeral expenses of an organ donor when the post mortem butchers have already nicked any useable body parts and all that’s left to go into the coffin is a few meters of festered intestines and the odd bunion or verruca – that might as well get dispatched to the nearest cat food factory.

Have you signed the transplant organ donor registry? How do you feel about a bunch of foreign medical students cutting you up in an anatomy class and laughing at the size of your ‘privates’? What about your vital organs ending up in a career scumbag such as a House of Conmans MP? Any thoughts on your final remains being served up in a cat’s lunch bowl?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a free one-way trip to the Swiss ‘Dignitas’ resort and take part in the next of our ever-popular assisted suicide surveys.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.