Pope Benedict – the 94-year old German Mk. XVI build-to-last Panzer model – was orating Christmas Eve Mass in St Peter's Square when rugby tackled by a radical militant debagger who vaulted a meter-high cardboard security barrier and made her dive for the ex-Nazi Pontiff.
The athletic Amazon, a mentally unstable dyke member of the Lesbians-4-Christ cult succeeded in getting her hands up the floored Pope’s cassock and ripping off his Jimmy Choo Choo designer jockey shorts before Swiss guards managed to beat her to death with pikes, halberds and battle axes.
The 106-year old French Prelate - Cardinal Gaston le Pratt, former Abbot of the infamous St. Sodom’s Monastery, who was standing next to Pope Benny during the incident, minding the Papal ashtray, collapsed in shock and suffered a terminal bowel movement, declaring in high voice “J’avec merde!”- then ballistically excreting his lower colon due a prolapsed anal sphincter.
Once the expired Frog was stretchered off in a body bag the Pontiff received a standing ovation and several rounds of applause, then proceeded with the Mass regardless - telling his amused congregation “If these feminists want a split-arsed Pope that badly they can have my job right now!”
The radical feminist Lesbians-4-Christ movement have carried out similar attacks on ranking Catholic figures over the past year, protesting the fact there has never been a female Archbishop, Cardinal nor Pope elected to date.
In May 2008 the Lesbians-4-Christ cult managed to bring down and debag Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Connor, the Archbishop of Westminster, pulling his vestments over his head and revealing the shocking fact the Prelate was kitted out in a set of Ann Summers’ black lingerie – complete with crotchless thong, peephole bra, suspender belt and fishnet stockings.
A Vatican spokesman played down scandalous reports of the incident, informing journalists “Hey, it’s no big deal what a priest wears below his cassock – it’s all about personal taste and genital comfort. Think back to Jesus’ time in Palestine – they didn’t bother wearing skiddies under their robes – just let their tackle swing free and kept cool.”
Further weirdo protests have come from one particular numpty fundamentalist Christian sect demanding the Vatican provide a more accessible cuddly type Pontiff to meet their church’s ‘Hug-a-Pope’ criteria.
As members of the 1.1-billion Catholic community celebrated Christmas around the world, thousands of sweltering pilgrims gathered in the West Bank town of Bethlehem’s iconic ‘Manky Manger’ where Latin Patriarch Cardinal Foul Twatte, the most senior Roman Catholic cleric in the Holy Land, declared the region's aspiration of Peace on Earth remained out of reach while the mad dog heathen Israelis kept up their tyrannical Zionist policies of exterminating the ethnic Palestinians and stealing even more of their land with each passing day.
Perhaps in a season of goodwill attempt to kick start World War Three the Patriarch drew his congregation’s attentions to the fact of “Remember, the Israelis are infidel Jewish types whose racist Torah holy book declares hatred of all other religions and we Christians - and just down the road in Jerusalem is where their rabid Rabbis conspired to falsely accuse our Lord Jesus of blasphemy and sedition then crucified Him on two big pieces of wood.”
Meanwhile, back in Rome and St Peter’s Square reporters were gathering spectator’s comments on the Papal debagging incident.
One devout Southern Baptist from Texas who captured the ‘magic moment’ on his cellphone’s camera, related the attacker was dressed in a red hooded sweatshirt and jogging pants, plus black boots and further disguised with a huge white beard when she suddenly leapt over the barrier and downed His Holiness, shouting ‘Ho-ho-ho – have I got a surprise for you Benny boy!”
Eyewitness Billy Bob Fuctifino, travelling with Redneck Tours told the Scandalmongers Gazette: “All of a sudden this body builder bitch in a Santa outfit sort of flew over the barricade like one of the X-Men doing a rugby tackle and the Holy Father went down like a bag of shit.”
“Next thing them there Swiss guard guys were on top of it, you know the whole caboodle there and beat the bejaysus outa the slag and dragged her off – with their CO telling Pope Benny to stop fucking around with the pantomime games and get on with the Mass.”
Vatican press officer, Fr. Guido Buggeroffi, informed Pox News that the decision to hold the ‘Midnight Mass’ two hours earlier – at 2200 hours - was to allow the Pope to attend a traditional Bavarian ‘Horst Wessel’ Xmas party at a downtown ‘Valle Giulia’ red light district lap dancing bar.
Merry Christmas from Rusty’s Skewed News Views: Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic.
A newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.
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