Friday, 26 June 2009

Supermart Slimming Salads Packed with FAT

Pre-packed salads are definitely not the healthier option, with some supermarket lunchtime snackie items higher in calories and fat than a Big Mick Greasy Burger and High-Col’ Toxic Twisty Fries from the local Chew n Spew - according to a report in the current issue of the 'Heart Attack Gazette'.

Researchers from ‘Slob’ and ‘Couch Spud’ magazines also looked at 20 different salad combinations from the major ‘Eat Healthy’ deli’ counters of the Greedy Grocer and Grotty Grocer –and the prestigious M S (Moronic Spendthrifts) - supermarket chains, finding all contained high levels of MSG and aspartame - precisely what dieticians refer to as ‘carcinogenic crap’.

One ‘Pesto Pasta Duckbill’ salad from Pukesbury’s scored so high on the nasty cholesterol and colourings / additives index that it surpassed the Old English staple snackie of Drippin’ Butties – which were renown for inducing insta-strokes and cardiac arrests – and producing Mr. Creosote type obesity.

M S spokeswoman Fellatia Fuctifino told the media their Pasta with Tomato & Dockleaf Polack Pigeon "was not a salad and is not labelled as a salad, so we are confused as to why Slob magazine have included it in their salads report.”

However Slob editorial staff were quick to point out the meal was stacked on the slimmer’s salad shelves – right next to the chocolate ├ęclairs, doughnuts, fold-away body bags and chewable condoms - and did indeed contain double helpings of evil artery-blocking fatty crap.

Pukesbury’s 'Snobs' range of ‘Health Shelf’ shite included 'Smoked Hedgehog in Aspic' which Couch Spud mag’ assessed as being double the calorific equivalent of eating a portion of the Grotty Grocer’s 'Prawns Drowned in Mayonnaise' salad, which caused bulimic field correspondent Rita Slag to vomit up while eating at their top-end ‘Anorexic’s Delight’ slimming snack bar.

Covert audio and cam-corder footage of Ms. Slag confronting the snack counter staff with the complaint that “This mayonnaise tastes like semen” elicited a reply from the female chef of “I wouldn’t know – I’ve never tasted mayonnaise,” was deemed as wholly unsatisfactory and not in keeping with the mandated company policy of denying everything without an attorney present.

Conversely Greedy Grocer spokesperson Morton Scrunt told the media “We clearly label the ingredients of our slim salad products on the packaging but who the hell is going to buy the shit if we print alongside the fact that 'This meal contains calories and tumour-inducing additives – like all processed foods do – and will not assist in weight loss'.”

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