A Sudanese man, Stanley Tombe, has been forced to take a goat as his ‘wife’, after he was caught having sex with the animal.
Mr. Alifi Malakal, a halal rat vendor from Sudan’s Upper Nile State, told The Rockall Times’ Births, Deaths and Marriages desk that he heard a loud disturbance around midnight on the 14th February and immediately rushed outside to find Tombe in flagrante delicto with his goat, Mimi.
"When I surprised him with: ' Hey Stanley, what the fuc*k are you up to?' his ars*e was going like a fiddler’s elbow and he fell off the back of the goat right on the vinegar stroke, so I grabbed the buggering twa*t and tied him up.”
Mr.Malakal then brought the hog-bound goat shagger before a council of village elders to decide how to deal with the case of sex with an under-age goat.
"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr. Malakal told the astonished media. Tombe, an unemployed coconut juggler, was ordered to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars (£5) to Malakal for his illicit St. Valentine’s Day love tryst .
However, an ecstatic Mr. Tombe, cuddling Mimi, his blushing bride-to-be, told The Rockall Times that their wedding ceremony would take place at Khartoum’s Church of the Latter Day Zoophiles in July, after Mimi reaches
the age of consent.
“It’s very hard to find a wife here. I had hoped to actually marry a woman,
but Mimi’s the next best thing. Every time I passed Alifi’s house, she was always flashing those big blue eyes at me. It was love at first sight perhaps, and St. Valentine’s Day seemed the perfect occasion to express my physical love for her. I took her a bunch of red roses too, but she ate them”
The Rev. Julius McBonkers, Pastor of the Church of the Latter Day Zoophiles,
informed a crowd of intrigued media reporters “We perform several weddings a month here. Last week a woman married her donkey after a three year relationship. She’s very religious and couldn’t bear to go on living in sin.”
On a downside note to the affair, while Mimi’s brother Billy is slated to give away the bride, the rest of her family will be barred from attending the actual ceremony as goats have a nasty habit of chewing the altar cloths and church vestments, and also shi*tting on the aisle floor.
The wedding ceremony and reception are being sponsored and covered by a Khartoum adult magazine chain, the Woolyback Press, publishers of the popular weekly Goat Bonkers Gazette. Mr. Ramjam Caprahumper, editor of the Gazette, told reporters “I can’t wait to meet Mimi personally, she looks such a sweetie in her photos. May God bless their union with lots of kids.”