The IAEA claim the enriched Gannetonium, a highly radioactive element extracted from seabird guano, could be used to build thermonuclear weapons.
Rockall’s Electric Cooperative recently recommenced using gas centrifuges to enrich its Gannetonium stockpile and claim the radioactive element will be used solely to generate electricity for domestic power consumption.
However, citing statutes from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, the IAEA Director General, Mohamed El Bastardei, has threatened to lay the issue before the UN Security Council for their scrutiny and possible intervention.
Speaking to The Rockall Times, incumbent U.N. Secretary-General,
Kofi Anmilk, referred to a report by his own chief weapons inspector,
Hans Plix, which categorically states Rockall’s current gas centrifuges, being constructed from second-hand tumble dryers, are incapable of producing sufficient enriched Gannetonium to build a fission bomb.
Director Of Nuclear Research at the Hall’s Ledge power station, Frank Sellafield, a former Cumbrian bagpipes mechanic, spoke in depth on the controversy with The Rockall Times science correspondent Dougie Isotope.
“The IAEA ‘ave to understand our dilemma ‘ere, we can’t go on forever usin’ 12 volt dc batteries to power th’ islet’s infrastructure, an’ relying on a constant supply of driftwood to fuel th’ steam generator went tits up after th’ Gulf Stream current changed course last year.”
“One thing we ‘ave no bloody shortage of ‘ere is bird shi*t, it’s a renewable energy source, an’ we can extract enough Gannetonium to power th’ whole place forever.”
Crusading celebrity critic and roving rock pundit Bono, recently returned from a fact finding mission into sweatshop labour on the Kamchatka Peninsula, pontificated on the IAEA’s fears with his usual crackpot logic and juvenile rhetoric.
“Yeah, Gannetonium enrichment on Rockall might be okay today, but what if they ‘ave a change of government or a coup, an’ a Fundamentalist Druid faction take over runnin’ the place. Then they get into hatin’ everyone else’s Democratic freedoms an’ build nuclear bombs an’ start backin’ terrorist groups to spread their looney ideology.”